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them: i love you

me: that’s nice however that is Impossible™ considering i am, to the very core, fundamentally unloveable

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CONTINUED FROM || @companysman

          “And calling her a PET of all things is what seems to be making her angry --- Geez, wonder why? You don’t have to be such a miserable person. You’re well aware of that, yeah? You’ve been walking a thin line all day and I don’t know what’s exactly wrong, but if you wouldn’t mind knocking it off that would be GREAT. I’m not the one who walked in here with a sour look on his face and refuses to talk about it. You made one mistake, but it’s one mistake that could’ve been avoided, Rhys.” 

          “If you’re going to be angry, feel free to leave and come back again later. If you’re going to talk to me, sit down and cool down while I figure this out. I’m not here to fight with you. I’m here to do my job and perhaps even be a good friend.”

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3 LITTLE WORDS... || starter pack

Send me one to see how my muse reacts. Some are fluffy, some are angsty, some are smutty, some are something else entirely…

Some of these may be triggering or NSFW!

“I love you.”

“I hate you.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“I guess so…”

“I guess not.”

“Love me, please.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Please, hold me.”

“Pain changes people.”

“You haven’t changed.”

“Please don’t go.”

“Look behind you.”

“Go kill yourself.”

“I can change.”

“Don’t ever change.”

“Want a hit?”

“Do you smoke?”

“Fuck me now.”

“Take my hand.”

“Lead the way.”

“Duck and cover!”

“Just go home.”

“Take me home.”

“Walk me there?”

“Everyone, shut up!”

“Just shut up.”

“Please stop it.”

“Please don’t die.”

“I need you.”

“I want you.”

“Want a hug?”

“Want a kiss?”

“Are you sure?”

“Are you lying?”

“That’s the truth.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Oh my God.”

“For fuck’s sake!”

“I got it.”

“I found it.”

“Call me later.”

“Text me later.”

“Don’t call me.”

“Are you crying?”

“I wasn’t crying.”

“Please don’t laugh.”

“Please don’t cry.”

“That’s a lie.”

“What’d they say?”

“What’ll it be?”

“It’s last call.”

“It’s almost midnight.”

“Do you promise?”

“That’s a promise.”

“Are you serious?”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

“I punched him.”

“I killed him.”

“I kissed him.”

“I love him.”

“I hate him.”

“I lied before.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not sorry.”

“I’ll come over.”

“Can you come?”

“Want to cuddle?”

“Maybe we should.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“You don’t say.”

“Make me come.”

“Did you come?”

“I stole it.”

“I broke it.”

“Any bones broken?”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you hurt?”

“That must’ve hurt.”

“He was lying.”

“It’s our song.”

“Can I help?”

“Help me out.”

“Please, for me?”

“Anything for you.”

“I doubt it.”

“I believe you.”

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( ASH )

          “ Hey—-HEY! ”    He just couldn’t control himself, police his own ironically violent need to quash whatever ailed his best friend, his dearest. Though he remained cold and weak in the face of his own small sacrifices, he still managed to lurch over and grab for Gary’s arm, pulling him back into the fold with some minor force. As he awkwardly manouevred Gary back into place on the couch, he reached over and firmly took hold of each of his arms, holding Gary steady so that he could see his face—really see what frantic frustration and sorrow was staining his cheeks with tears and his mossy eyes a bloody-minded red.    “ Just calm down, ”   he insisted, his head ducking down to meet Gary at eye-level.   “ Look at me—calm down… ”

          Yet, in that moment, a familiar conflict bore down on Ash like a drill. What was going on here? Why was this happening? Though he searched his own mind frantically for some kind of clue, some kind of answer, he came up short as always and could only offer Gary a look of pure fear, worry, concern.    “ What’s going on…? Gary… ”    Softly, his voice came, his brow knotted beneath his nest of dark hair. Back and forth, he gently stroked his thumb over the soft skin of Gary’s arm, back and forth, back and forth, a metronome to just breathe to.    “ Gary, talk to me, ”    he said, no, almost begged.    “ You’re not bein’ stupid—you’re never bein’ stupid, but I’m fuckin’ worried, man. ”    As though the drive to heal seemed to germinate and bloom in his heart, he very carefully reached up to guide the mess of soft brown hair from Gary’s face, gently cup his cheek and make sure he was really seeing him, really listening.

          Everything hurt, he thought, and yet this was nothing new. This was his purpose, though. His own struggles meant nothing; it didn’t matter how his soul ached for completion, knowing that his missing pieces were sitting right in front of him, it didn’t matter how much it hurt to see Gary tear himself apart like this. Where there was suffering, so Ash would be there to soothe and heal, that was his job—his only good function.

          “ Why would I still be here, after all this time, if you weren’t worth every second? ”

          With all the strength of his being, he wanted to fight back. He wanted to struggle and stop it before he dug that grave too deep. That much was obvious by the tenseness in which his muscles lay beneath much larger hands as Ash seized them to prevent further damage. Maybe that was the smart move here. The time for rationality it seemed had long passed in Gary’s head. His hands were visibly shaking beneath the touch holding them so that his face was visible. He was still ducking his head in that ashamed ocean that he felt nearly drown in.

          The call to look at Ash nudged at him and he caved, fixing his gaze to ashamedly look into those beautiful --- absolutely beautiful --- worried eyes that it seemed always found their way deep into that boy’s glance. That constant dogged loyalty heroism and damned worry... Charming in its very nature. His voice and slow touch ran across his tensed nerves and slowly, he felt his hands beginning to give. His muscles eased and melted down to his lap as a hand guided itself up to his face to brush past the tousled hair. What a time for sudden dry mouth that left his tongue feeling too big to speak. The difficulty that came with swallowing was followed by a pause and never-ending look crossed being longing and sorrow.

          Any man that could deal with someone as difficult as he was being deserved at medal. At least, that was the realization the difficult one himself was coming to realize. All that rational --- all that worry. He didn’t know what to make of it himself. Those very last words prodded right at his heart and began pulling it right down to his stomach. He held his breath with their eyes locked and his throat tightening so badly he was having a hard time breathing.

          To him, the movement seemed so harsh. His hands flashed up to the sides of his face. Rocking forward despite their awkward positioning on the couch, he wound up kneeing to get the leverage behind him to just lean toward Ash. Lacking the entire amount of courage it took to do it proper, he pressed a clumsy kiss right on the corner of his mouth before throwing his arms around his neck to pull him in close before there was time to think about what had happened. His face burrowed deep against his shoulder, muttering some sort of half apology. After a deep breath, he closed his eyes with the tumbling force of repercussion.

                                                   “---I can explain.”

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( ASH )

        AS MUCH AS ASH WOULD HAVE LIKED to simply sweep it all under the rug, Gary had broached their relative peace the moment that first sob left his mouth, a damage seeking repair. Smiling halfheartedly, if even wearily, he awkwardly shifted himself around to face Gary properly, his legs drawn astride the other’s; after a protracted pause between the two, Ash spoke gently, carefully.    “ Well, I did just order the pizza a second ago, ”    he attempted, straining for Gary to latch onto this olive branch he may as well have been flailing right in his face. Nevertheless, he’d have been lying to say he couldn’t understand Gary’s self-imposed right to remain silent, not that any kindred feeling would ever really rein in the throes of dread and worry curdling in his gut.

          “ Gary, ”    Ash breathed his name, tired and laden with an empty desperation.   “ I get it—you don’t wanna talk about it—fine, ”   he surrendered, his hands raising around the blanket in a feeble gesture of submission.   “ But I can’t just… pretend you weren’t just cryin’ all over me back there. Y'know I just wanna help you but ’m not gonna be able t'do that if y'don’t let me, ”   he professed, admittedly stunned the racket in his chest didn’t rhythmically hitch his voice in time. Lucidity was truly a remarkable thing to experience when it was seldom seen to begin with—perhaps the persistence of Gary’s supposed rationality was catching on.    ’ Could this be it? ’   he wondered tiredly; Gary’s less than calculated behaviour picking holes in the crippling doubt weighing him down like a ball and chain.    ’ Am I getting my hopes up again? ’

          “ Y'don’t have to crawl away from me like that, y'know… ”    came his remarkably small voice, his head resting against the back of the couch and his forlorn gaze peering from over the top of the blanket he’d pulled over his face.    “ I’m just worried about you… you’ve been kinda actin’ funny. Just… ”    he trailed off, seeming to struggle for a beat, letting the blanket limply drop to his chest,   “ just tell me if there’s anythin’ I can do… I didn’t like seein’ you cry like that. ”

          Gary, unsurprisingly, didn’t accept the offering. He backed off completely from the jokes and games --- immediately seeming to shut down any hint of emotion that could possibly remain in that estranged form he took each time he felt the slightest threat to the integrity of what he’d built up as the Oak shield. No weakness, no fear. Well, he had many fears. None of them were spoken of and rarely were they found out. Ash had to have come across them in the past. It was impossible that he hadn’t. It was simply a question of whether he figured it out or not. Still...

          What was he so scared of? He’d broken down right smack in the middle of the kitchen. He was tried to hide behind a vale of happiness that he could hardly keep up long enough for it to fool anyone. He exhaled in a sigh, grasping at the blanket to play with the edge of it between his fingers. “There’s nothing you could help with, Ash.” He said all at once, the slight breach of everything he was holding in flooding from his lips. Just like that, he felt it all weighing down on him. He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. He was being honest. What could Ash do for something like this? It wasn’t some person making him upset besides himself. There was no outside source that could conceivably be to blame... well, that he wanted to deal with.

          His legs began to curl up toward his chest, leaving the blanket to fall away from him onto the couch. His jaw shifted as he thought about the words just about to leave his mouth. He closed his eyes and pressed his head to his knees. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” Somehow, he was withholding the tears that always seemed to follow this dreaded topic. “I...” He paused, words escaping them. “It’s just some st--- tupid identity crisis, okay?”

          The words he did speak betrayed him. He frozen up just as they were spoken. His legs shoved down from his chest to the floor, he went to stand. “I need another drink or--- or something.” He frantically tried to cover up the tears starting to well up once again. He caught a glimpse of Ash’s face from the corner of his eyes, pursing his lips. “You really don’t need to bother with someone like me being stupid.” He spat out, “You deserve a lot better than someone like me!” He shook with the force of his words, one arm curling around his midsection. “Fuck---” He ran a hand through his hair just to catch a fistful of it in anger. “Fuck!”

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                                         ——weep for yourself, my man. you’ll never be what is in your heart. weep little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. rate yourself and rake yourself. take all the courage you have left. wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. || gary oak from pokémon. penned by ethan. est 22 sept 2015. reboot 5 march 2017.

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( SERENA )

                 ❝   really?   ❞

a hop & a skip  over to her bag that was attended to by her braixen , the pouch sat on the pokémon’s lap. she reached deep into it , until she pulled out the pokéball she had been looking for – then held it toward gary , ball in the palm of her hand and  expectance upon her features.

            ❝   then , why don’t you borrow one of my pokémon? this is emolga , she’s always happy to spend time with a new friend.   ❞

         Gary was hoping to avoid this situation altogether. She was a nice girl, sure --- but he wasn’t much for unsupported flying. Give him a Charizard, he’d be happy to fly around without a care in the world. Something about unguided flight on his own gave him a weird feeling. “That’s nice of you!” Was it getting obvious how against this he was yet? Maybe he took after his grandfather more than he’d like to admit --- being nice to a fault in some situations. He tentatively reached out to take the ball, looking it over as she explained which one of her companions it was. “So, how does this work exactly?” Read: how am I getting up in the air?

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( ASH )

          “ What a fuckin’ joke —- i mean Jesus might not have ev’n been real! Me? LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DIED FOR YOUR BITCH ASSES! Where’s my midnight mass, sucka? Where’s my god damn Passion of The Ketchum? All y’all are dumb. “

                  “The    real    joke here is your IMPULSE CONTROL, Ketchum.”

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( ASH )

        PREOCCUPIED, ASH SEEMED TO LET the glare of his phone consume his gaze for a hot minute, his autopilot eyes reflecting the static inertia of the screen in front. As one flyaway thought crashed into another, each trail of consciousness seemed to congeal into the next, a whole flurry of feeble what-ifs, the endless possibilities and impossibilities all cascading through his otherwise threadbare mind at once. In truth, he was listening to Gary somewhere behind that blinkered visage, recognising an input but making no sense of it whatsoever. The more he considered Gary’s impromptu metamorphosis between two contrasting extremes, the more it… bothered him. Even if the weight of Gary’s much leaner form pressing gently on that pillow in his lap caused his breath to hitch, forced his reverie to simply snap and break on the spot, the worry didn’t leave him.

          Maybe it was the sheer lack of energy clouding his judgment, maybe it was the sight of Gary’s loose shirt riding just above his soft, slightly padded out hips, maybe it was the drink, but something just snapped into place in that instance. A blind man was beginning to see. So in a surprising show of gentle strength, he clasped onto the hem of Gary’s shirt and tugged him back into place on the couch beside him, taking the controller from his hands as he went.

          “ The documentaries can wait, ”    he heaved along with a sigh, taking another swig from his bottle before setting it down on the table again. With intent, he fixed Gary with a clearly lucid, but still somewhat perturbed stare.    “ … I wanna talk about your uh, your little outburst… back there, ”    he quietly professed while continually cheering for his own bravery on the inside, not daring to look away from Gary’s face, not for a second. His own feelings no longer mattered, they stopped mattering the second the first tears breached Gary’s pretty green eyes. For a moment, though, Ash seemed to stop, break his gaze if only to think–I mean really think. Had it really been so long since he’d seen Gary so vulnerable?    " … Gary I haven’t seen you cry like that since… well, since you were in college. What’s going on…? D’you need to talk? “

          If he were a more emotionally conscious person, Gary might’ve noticed his own horrendous attempt at hiding what appeared to be drastic mood swings between sobbing in the kitchen to now sprawled across the couch with a big smile on his face. He was scrolling through various movies and TV shows when he felt something grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him back. He’d had a few drinks, but he still had enough of a reaction to try and rebel against the force.

          He sadly failed, He blinked a few times, grabbing for the controller as it was pulled out of his hands to be placed elsewhere. “Aw, c’mon. I wasn’t actually going to put them on. I wanna watch something like---” He protested although Ash quickly stomped out his current outburst by bringing up his previous one. He ducked his head slightly, gazing up at a glowing green-brown stare. “S’this mean we’re not getting food?” He halfhearted tried joking, smiling to see if Ash would return the gesture. He quickly learned that route wasn’t going to get him anywhere real quick. 

          Instinctively, he tried putting space between them. He shifted his weight off Ash and scooted to his own corner of the couch from underneath the blanket though he stretched his legs out to stick underneath the larger man to siphon the heat away from him. “Can’t we be all talked out for the night? I’m really not feeling it right now.” He murmured, leaning over to hug at his stomach. All that unconscious affection was quickly seeping away faster than it ever formed. He was not a easy person to talk feelings and emotions with. The slightest breach of something he deemed as uncomfortable made him want to clamp back up again. “Listen, it was something stupid, okay? I don’t... really wanna talk about it. Don’t worry about it. I have everything handled.” Yeah, handled was one way to put it. How do you bring up the fact you don’t have any conscious memory of your parents or any sort of life prior to living with your grandfather without totally killing the mood. Not that there was much of a mood to ruin in the first place. More or less, he felt stupid for thinking about something like that in the first place.

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

          “ Nah, I’m good, man, ”    he played off as blase as ever, his nonchalance perhaps almost convincing even him, but they all knew his fluttering pulse had other things to say. Gary just did that to him–it was a miracle to consider the other hadn’t cottoned on to Ash’s unmistakable pining yet–the way his voice would often falter and stumble at the simplest of obstacles, that preoccupation with Gary’s sweet face blockading any prospect of a fluid conversation. Either Gary truly didn’t realise it, or he did, and he was acting out of mercy–either way, Ash had to take it, even pity was better than nothing. So he settled comfortably into place with Gary having nested himself so dangerously close, their limp and heaped forms silently straining to align. Every so often, he’d catch the subtlest scent of Gary’s hair, leaving his heart weak and singing like a bird trapped in a cage.

          After all, this wasn’t anything new. Ash had lost count of the times they had fallen asleep on each other after long, stagnant nights of doing absolutely nothing together; nothing but drinking and drowning the lounge in smoke to pass the time. Would it have been cliche for him, however, to lazily sling his arm over the back of the couch? Though the colour had begun to trickle back into his face, his bare arms still bore goosebumps, his other broad hand slightly unsteady as he pulled up his phone to order their food.

          “ Y'know how much that healin’ thing takes it outta me, ”    he said rather matter-of-factly, his voice distant, eyes fixed upon the static burn of his phone screen.    “ Trus’ me, I’ll be fine, some beer n’ some pizza ought to straighten me out, ”    if of course either of them could pardon the pun. Any allusion to straightness would have just been a joke at this stage, and a bad one at that. Even Ash had the foresight to conceal one of the throw pillows in his lap beneath the blanket–just holding onto it for comfort, if anyone asked.    “ You wanna put somethin’ on the TV? ”   He asked, reaching over awkwardly to grab his beer from the coffee table; the controller sat right next to it, an inert screen before them waiting for input.    “ —-nothin’ lame, though, or no wings for you. ”

          Gary wasn’t oblivious to the weird ways both of them reacted. Yet, he continuously chalked Ash’s strange ways up to pure coincidence or his own mind overthinking the details. He could hardly hold himself steady in the moments where he found his knees growing weak --- thankfully, they were sitting. Even better, he was glad that there was no more question of his momentary breakdown in the kitchen. He wanted to talked about it, yet he hadn’t the courage to bring it up again. He easily nuzzled his way in against the other, melting into his form though some part of him seemed rigid. It was more difficult to get comfortable after he had some tempting ideas in his head of what he’d rather do. He attempted to relax himself in a heavy sigh, watching Ash retrieve his phone.

          “Yeah, exactly why you shouldn’t be pulling that crap on me.” Was he scolding him? Yeah, he tended to do that. While he was looking at Ash’s phone, he was also trying to catch a glimpse of his face. He wanted to believe he was okay, but a part of his heart kept aching every time he thought about something bad happening.

          “When do I EVER put anything lame on? I don’t do lame.” He taunted, a hand connecting with Ash’s chest as he pushed him away from the coffee table and halfway crawled across his lap to get his hands on the controller. He hummed, laying across him as he went to pull something on Netflix instead. “Unless you wanna watch a 12-hour marathon of Pokémon documentaries.”

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

        AS HE LAY THERE LIMP AND PRONE he couldn’t help but scorn himself for a wasted opportunity. He listened to Gary’s faint footsteps padding across the kitchen tile and wondered vaguely if that was an opportunity to be real and sincere, an opportunity he quite obviously laughed in the face of and tossed it into oblivion. Ash couldn’t bring himself to entertain such an idea; though the feeling of Gary’s hand so gentle on his face left a ghostly impression he just couldn’t shake, the idea of him knowing… the prospect of rejection filled his veins with ice, a coldness he’d normally have the strength to overcome and yet he stared into the middle distance wondering where all that fight went. It was strange though, he thought, to miss a man mere metres away.

          Pulling the blanket up beneath his nose, he tiredly eyed Gary as he encroached beneath the lounge lights. Ash didn’t say anything, he merely freed one of his arms and intently patted the empty space right next to him.

          “ Y'only get wings if you sit here with me. I’m cold. ”     And it wasn’t a lie by any stretch of the imagination, but if asked, Ash wouldn’t lie about intentionally milking his own momentary weakness for all it was worth. Even if he would never breathe a word of his real feelings, even if this was as close as he’d ever get to anything resembling that, he just wanted to be near Gary again. It wouldn’t be enough – it would never be enough – but it was better than nothing. He’d take each hurdle one at a time, after all, just as he had done for years; just as he would continue.

          Above the rolled hem of the blanket, Ash’s tired eyes locked on Gary with expectant patience. Warily, he pulled the blanket aside and held it just above, wondering if that sort of proximity would perhaps be a step too far, and yet…   “ C'mon, I’ll ev’n share the blanket. ”

          Gary pushed aside thoughts of moments past, trying to not appear shaken as he came in bearing drinks. He eyed the blanket he’d been using, perking an eyebrow curiously as a silent question of what was going on. He watched Ash shift, freeing up space for him as he continued to stand in silence. He’d wait for some sort of explanation, placing Ash’s drink down on the coffee table as he went to open his own.

          “Does that mean you’re paying for everything?” His excitement of food was a mere cover-up to make it appear as if he wasn’t eager to take a seat. He felt the flush of his cheeks as he noticed how excited he was at the very idea of getting so close to him. It was embarrassing. How excited could he get over getting to sit on a couch with his best friend. Well... pretty excited, apparently. He covered up the smile on his face by taking a drink. He fell down into place on the couch and pulled his legs up to curl underneath himself, butting right against Ash’s side as if by accident. “You feeling alright? Y’look tired.” He asked though that was far from an exaggeration of his worry. 

          He pulled at the blanket to shift it over himself as well. It was far from cold in the room, but he’d take being warm with Ash above anything else. “I can get you something else if you need it.” He offered with none of the intent of moving without being asked to.

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

          “ Don’ be silly, ”

        OH, HOW HIS HEAD SWAM, languid and staggering as this tiresome fog only thickened around him; he was so weak, and Gary was just so, so…   ’ Oh my God, is he going to–? ’   His breath clamped firmly within his throat, those glazed, vulnerable eyes of his locked onto Gary’s like he was seeing the very sun collapsing in on itself in perhaps the most spectacular display he’d ever seen; his heart almost ached to feel Gary’s hand on his cheek, so softly caressing back and forth. Was he hallucinating? His splitting heart flooded fire through his veins, the gratifying burn of the sacrificial pyre in his chest he laid tribute to day after day after day. And all for what?    ’ All for this, ’    he thought to himself, an unsure hand carefully curling around the slender fingers subtly divining the topography of a face Gary probably knew like the back of his hand. Like Ash knew his, down to every freckle, the slightly discoloured patch of blue in the left of his otherwise evergreen eyes.    ’ I love you, ’    seeing that small smile, ever familiar, rising like the hazy light of dawn, he couldn’t help but smile back.    ’ I always will. ’

          “ — Shit, ”   he hissed lowly, his reverie immediately ruptured by the possibility he said that out loud. Immediately having come to from his impromptu daydream, he realised he hadn’t, and instead let his hand continue to travel upside his own head.   “ Sorry, headache, ”   he professed; not exactly a lie in itself but a convenient cover up if nothing else. His heart thrashed away beneath his rib cage a mile a minute, the heat more than likely lighting up his face like a damn cherry. What Ash was surprised to find, however, as he began his ungainly shuffle back to the lounge, was that his reflection shone back a rather more sickly looking image than he was expecting. Frowning, Ash ran his hand through his hair, a thin layer of hot sweat having beaded on his hairline. When he made it back to the couch, he shuddered, instinctively reaching for the blanket that Gary had left behind.

          “ D'you wanna order some pizza or somethin’? ”   He called from the lounge, fumbling as he tried his best to position himself in such a way that the blanket covered as much of him as it possibly could. Before him, YouTube’s front page stared at him silently, a tattoo seemingly forever on that god damned screen.   “ A li'l food oughtta get me some energy back. ”

          If he were being honest, he would rather stand there all day --- just to be close to him. To feel the heat of his skin beneath his hand though the pallor color on his face gave him reason to worry. His movements all paused, not wanting to be the first to move as his eyes fell into deep trance of a locked gaze with Ash’s own. God, he was staring for too long. His heart felt like it was collapsing yet soaring all in the very same moment. ‘ You’re too good for me... ‘  How did he fall so far for that scruffy beard and those warm eyes? He was handsome... beyond that, even. He’d seen him grow up in snapshots. He could recall every step of the way and found himself tripping over himself at his heels. It wasn’t even all the looks. It was that confidence... that genuine personality that he’d grown to love despite the bravado. All that energy was much appreciated. Dare he say he loved him for it. ‘ Please, don’t ever leave me alone here. ‘ He would trot in the footsteps of this man across the world and even then never get sick of seeing that smile on his face. 

          Then all of a sudden, their connection had broke. Ash was left rubbing his head and shuffling into the living room. Gary blinked and everything was over. His smile fumbled, falling into a halfhearted expression. With a sigh, he went to the fridge and grabbed a couple of drinks. Kicking it closed behind him, he turned to place them on the counter as he ruffled his hands through his hair with it all bouncing back into place. He leaned forward onto the counter, shifting in place with a bit of discomfort as he rolled his shoulders. Rubbing his hands down his face, he pulled his glasses off to clean them on his shirt.

          Ash’s voice occupied the empty space where his thoughts were starting to flood back and it brought his smile to return again. “Yeah, pizza sounds good. Can we get wings too?” He called in response, picking up the drinks and fixing his glasses as he walked toward the lounge.

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

        TO SAY THE SHEER EMOTIONAL INTENSITY of the situation wasn’t completely decimating him on the spot was perhaps a slight understatement. As his last drink began to sink into his system, he found the pure proximity to Gary almost too much to bear. His mind raced, jumping from track to track second after second; one moment he ached that Gary was feeling this way, wanted to stem the tide of those tears by any means necessary, and yet…   ’ oh God, is he going to nuzzle into my hand? ’   Gary’s unprecedented move closer almost startled him, trapping his breath in his throat.   ’ Fuck. He’s clinging onto my shirt. Fuck. ’   All he could think about at that moment was the stampeding of his own heart, drumming away through his bones;   ’ I can’t let him notice. ’

          Though the heat of Gary’s skin may have been infectious to him, there were more important things to worry about, after all;  each breath of the same air between them left him shaken. With hands holding Gary at either side, he gripped him more firmly and carefully moved him away – a safe distance – somewhere he could see his face.

          “ Gary, stop it, ”   he said so softly he almost whispered, his inner turmoil as plain as the daylight so often absent from his eyes these days; brow furrowed, the emotional maelstrom there for all to see.   ’ That’s enough. ’   Falling to an overdue wave of defiance and will, Ash quickly turned his attention to the wound Gary had managed to inflict on his hand. Scowling slightly, he gently scooped Gary’s wounded hand into his own and covered it with his other. If he could not heal the lesions Gary had torn in his own mind, he would at least ease any other pain where he could; not that he was oblivious to the consequences of transferring aura, but he was willing to roll the dice.

          “ I didn’t have anyone else either, ”   he said, finally managing to reestablish eye contact with Gary. The faint blue glow of aura in Ash’s hands illuminated his eyes like crystal balls, ever prophetic and all-telling.   “ I had you, though… n’ you had me, right? ”   Though he spoke slowly, deliberately, his voice began to falter and weaken as he felt his own energy siphoning away through his fingertips. It was almost like getting anaesthesia, he thought, a very painless and gradual loss of control, and eventually consciousness. Of course, Ash wasn’t going to let it go that far. As his head heavily began to lull, he stopped the stream and loosened his grip. Gary’s hand, hardly flattered by the poor lighting in the kitchen, had nonetheless completely healed; only dark blood now congealed and dried where the splits in his skin were previously.  

           “ Forgot how much that really takes it outta me, ”   he managed, mingled with a breathy, tired laugh.   “ C'mon, we should sit down—- ”   he tailed off, stopping himself short only for his head to heavily cant downward. He paused a beat, allowing his shoulders to gently rise and fall, one deep breath after another. A brief moment later, he raised his head and stretched out his shoulders.   “ D'you– d’you wanna grab a couple drinks? Let’s just— sit down n’ talk this out. ”

          Long forgotten were the last drinks they’d finished off. Gary was either completely wracked by it or it had long left his system with the adrenaline and guilt in his stomach. That nagging feeling of nausea wasn’t very friendly in any case. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t find Ash’s attention rewarding... even if it was for all the wrong reasons. He felt his heart skip a beat when he was moved back, away from the warmth and the calmness.

          His hand seized, Gary flickered his gaze from Ash to their hands. His good hand reached and took his glasses off his head to fix them on his face. Suddenly, the world looked a little clearer though his vision was still foggy from the tears that may have begun to stop. He sniffled, knowing well enough that he must’ve looked like a god damn mess. He felt like a mess. His lips parted slightly, he just watched Ash as he spoke and felt his fingers twitch at the feeling seeping into his skin.

        “---Ash?” Voice vaguely confused, he quickly caught up and bit down softly on his lower lip. He let their eyes meet with some consistency though his gaze look guilty and sorrowful for what he’d done. He stayed quiet as he spoke before his free hand reached to take Ash’s cheek in a sudden reaction just as he’d finished taking care of his wound. He was right, though. They’d had each other for as long as he could remember and even beyond. He’d thought of that before and it hadn’t quelled the horrible thoughts, but right now... hearing Ash say it himself, it made it feel a little bit better. “Y---eah... we had each other.” It sounded as if he were beginning to find his voice again though it was remaining shaky.

          His newly-healed hand follow suit, going up to Ash’s cheek and rubbing small circles to his skin as he just barely bit his tongue. “You didn’t have to do that.” Softly, he murmured as if he’d been unworthy of some sort of kindness. In some ways, he thought that true. “Yeah, sit... we can sit...” The way he saw him get physically tired so quickly drew him to compose himself and flicker into a worry. though he swallowed most of it upfront. “I’ll get drinks.” With a nod, he paused. It was second or two later that the glint of a smile curled up on the side of his face. “Thank you.”

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

        WHEN ASH THUNDERED THROUGH TO THE kitchen, he did so thinking Gary maybe had an accident; jamming his finger in one of the drawer fronts, or something. Somehow, finding that he had in fact done this to himself was all the more painful to consider. Where a glimmer of relief briefly twinkled, he found himself immediately swallowed up by a new breed of fear entirely. Gary wasn’t just hurt – it looked like he was shivering apart at every seam – the immediate sight split Ash’s heart into pieces.

          Nonetheless, Ash would conquer this fear once again, like he had done so many times before; though his fragile heart ached to consider just what may have been running through Gary’s mind, he still felt an obligation to remain steadfast in the face of it. Carefully, he dipped his chin lower to rest gently on top of Gary’s bowed head, a new sense of purpose driving his broad arms to gingerly wrap themselves around Gary’s suddenly so very vulnerable form. An unsure hand found the back of his head, that familiarly unruly shock of soft brown hair tangling between his fingers so readily as he carefully ran his thumb across Gary’s scalp, back and forth, back and forth…

          “ It’s okay – it’s okay, ”   he soothed, first caring only to worry about softening whatever blows Gary was probably swinging at himself internally.    “ I’ve got you, I’m here… ”

          If anything could ever shatter Ash’s illusions of personal suffering, after all, it was the suffering of anyone else.

          “ Course you belong here, silly, ”    he said softly, closing his eyes as he ever so subtly canted his head downward; for all of its comforting familiarity, Gary’s scent still found a way to completely envelope him.    “ Who else’s gonna scare the shit outta me like you do, huh? ”    He added,, the calming tone to his voice strained in the fallout of that initial adrenaline hit. True, though, who would? Exactly what could scare the mighty Ash Ketchum any more? Loneliness? Loss? Instinctively, he held the other a little tighter at the thought, an almost insecure clinging. What could possibly make Gary feel like he didn’t belong here? The question occurred to him as a burning one, a worrisome one, prompting a rush of all manner of horrified thoughts of Gary leaving again, Gary isolating himself, Gary generally not wanting to be around anymore…

          A lump formed in his throat, one he swallowed down with difficulty and some seldom seen fortitude; he had to remind himself that this wasn’t all about his fears, no matter how all-consuming they proved. Carefully, he shifted his hand from Gary’s hair to his jawline, instead cupping his hot, tear-streaked face in place. Where has this Gary been? He thought to himself, vaguely wondering just how long Gary had been biting down on all this – he hadn’t seen him openly weep like that since they were teenagers. Maybe. In time, Ash just had to force himself to make peace with the grey mass of emotional inertia that Gary had grown into, but maybe he was wrong. After all this time, he still hoped, maybe he was wrong.

          “ Where’s all this comin’ from, Gary…? ”

          To have the feeling of arms around him was comforting, but all too foreign to him. The closeness of such a gesture wasn’t something he commonly welcomed. Yet, the fingers in his hair brought him some ounce of comfort through the turmoil of his own thoughts. Gary shook with the intensity of his sorrow --- shaking like a scared deerling. Ash’s voice was all the comfort he wanted and more. Somewhere inside of him, he craved this sort of attention though he would never quite admit that.

          What formed in his throat was something between a scoff and a grunt in response to Ash’s halfhearted attempt at humor. “You’re good enough at scaring yourself.” He murmured as he reached up to latch his fingers into his shirt. He could feel the warmth underneath the fabric and instinctively moved a bit closer. In a way, this is where he felt safe. Years ago, they weren’t so different --- things like that weren’t meant to last. Ash grew like a tree while he himself never quite bulked up. 

          Where would he be if he didn’t belong here? There was a place in the world he’d be right now if it weren’t for events that were still unknown to him. He tried to bury his face away though his cheek was guided into the palm of the same man he was scared of facing just moments ago. Torn to wanting to push away and run, he forced himself to stay steady. His mouth hung open and he couldn’t come to the words he wanted to speak. Were there words for something like this?

          The dull throb in his head was a sign that he was already over his usually capacity for crying. When he did cry, it was short and reserved... far away from the eyes of anyone else. Now, he was truly feeling the brunt of it all. His heart was still racing and tried to rub what was left off his face opposite the side Ash was holding steady.

          “I’unn---no.” He exhaled carefully, attempting to slow the tears. It was (sort of) working. His glasses were still displaced and he was making no attempt to replace them. The less he could see right now, the better. “It’s complicated. I’m--- I don’t---- why am I here?” He was asking the most vague of questions will no base to go from. Ash didn’t know his inner conflict with identity. He didn’t know the days he stayed up comparing photos of he and his grandfather. He didn’t know how long he searched for any hint of a parent or sibling that he’d never know if he had. “Your mom... you always had your mom. I’ve always had gramps--- only gramps.”

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

        ASH DIDN’T DEIGN TO SPEAK or make any kind of mental note that Gary had actually left his company; see, there was always a certain apathy about Gary, so strong that it tended to infect everything it came within breathing space of. It was the languidness of his limbs loping lazily down the hall, the permanently somniferous haze cast over his everglade eyes; it was like a yawn you just couldn’t ignore, something you almost had to compete with. So. rather than shake himself loose with some forced sense of enthusiasm, Ash opted to crash heavily into the couch and switch on the PlayStation 4 instead, its soft blue power light eking out from beneath a thin layer of dust. He longed to dull his mind, he thought, he longed perhaps for the anodyne of a warm analogue sound. The music drifted by him, feeling so soft around the edges it could whisk him back to the milder days of his childhood; a juvenile happiness boxed within the pastel coloured Taco Bell he and his cousin haunted. and the walls of Viridian Airport that mirrored their shades whenever he flew home to see his mother, to see Gary…

          By the time he came to, the ambient background music to the console menu had already looped once or twice – his train of thought had since petered out into scrambled noise. Awkwardly, he reached for the controller again and opened up the YouTube app – when something occurred to him. Where the hell is Gary?

                                                                        <THUMP!>

          “ Gary? ”   Ash launched out of his seat with such a spring in his step, you’d think Samara herself had just crawled out of the TV screen. He thumped awkwardly around the couch, between the side tables and even more unsteadily launched himself along the hallway and into the kitchen doorway; the look on his face reflected a sort of childlike fear, seemingly uncharacteristic of a man like him, yet his ribs could barely contain the mighty thundering of his heart, rapping away at his bones at a mile a minute.    “ Gary… ”    Almost inaudible, his breath came, as he attempted to focus on what he was seeing, attempted to make tangible sense of why Gary was in tears, why one of his knuckles had split and begun to bleed. He almost choked – his heart thundering so imperiously, he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. All he knew was that there was panic, and with panic came hurt. Gary was hurt.

          “ Hey, hey —— ”   He said so softly it could only amount to a whisper, remarkably careful hands reaching for Gary’s shoulders despite the wavering of his voice.    “ What happened? Are you okay? ”    Are YOU okay? Ash couldn’t even bring himself to chastise his own lack of control when he very nearly reached up to wipe a tear beading on Gary’s cheek, his hand awkwardly rising and falling to his side in a matter of split seconds. He felt so helpless, so many soothing nothings springing to mind but none quite leaving him. Behind the pursed line of his mouth, his breath stopped and started at an awkward pace, nothing but the feckless fumbling of a scared man trying and failing so incredibly to keep it together.   “ Talk t'me, Gary… ”

          Time halted in his head when he’d literally hit the wall--- er, the fridge. He haphazardly pushed his hands up to his face when he heard a voice and felt foreign hands at his shoulder. His glasses were shoved up onto the top of his head as he sniffled and rubbed at his eyes childishly, body hunched over with something between embarrassment and fear churning away in his stomach. God, he hated pure EMOTION. He hated the way his own breath stung the back of his throat and the way tears tried onto his skin. The feeling of his stomach getting upset while his heart pounded in his chest made him feel like his head was going to explode. 

          “Ash---” His voice was broken with a simple name. He didn’t want to turn and face him --- not with tears in his eyes and pain in his shaking hands. He hugged his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together the best he could as his shoulder shook with the tears that began streaming down faster and a soft whimper in his throat. He wasn’t crying out of pain anymore. He was crying from the sorrow. The sadness he’d felt for feeling lost for so long. He’d been hiding behind good face and a cool demeanor for far longer.

          And all at once, he’d collapsed in on himself. He turned to face Ash with the most pitiful looks on his face though he was trying his hardest to bury his face down low with the ugly crying he was desperately trying to stifle. He leaned forward with his arms still locked around himself and pressed his head against his best friend’s chest. “I--- I didn’t mean it.” The tears stung the longer he tried to keep his eyes open. He gave up, balling his hands back up to furiously rub at them to stop the stinging. “I’m fine...” He murmured under his breath, “I’m fine.” 

          Thoughts fought against him. One side of him was telling him to hide it all again, yet there was a nagging feeling to grab hold on him and yell everything all at once. He had no reason to fear Ash. Not one reason in the entire world. He was his best friend, for fuck’s sake! What did he have to be scared of? His hand throbbed as the bit of adrenaline sapped away from the immediateness of it all. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, glasses still shoved up on his head and now tangled in his hair.

          He pinched the bridge of his nose, sniffling and trying to stop the crying. He wasn’t a child. He was an accomplished researcher at this point. He’d been all across the world trying to make his name made and now he was questioning the integrity of it all. He stared at his own hand as he rested in a fist just in front of his mouth. He swallowed, opening his mouth with no words for a moment. He sucked in a deep breath, shaky as it was. “What if I don’t belong here?”

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

          “ Does a Bewear shit in the woods? “   Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers, as the old adage goes; granted the unduly acerbic nature of his response was probably something commonplace by now. As time eked on, Ash’s personal cynicism bulged to a bursting point – it probably came to be between the two men that Ash’s mental devolution came on so gradually it begged the question whether Ash had really changed much at all. He can’t remember how or why he let it get this bad.   ( Ugh, this is giving me a headache. )

          Swinging his legs over the edge of the couch they shared, he hunched over with his elbows to his knees and let slip a less than satisfied sounding sigh, turning to peer across at Gary with a deadened sort of look. How many times was he going to just get wasted with this man and pretend it wasn’t just corroding him away from the inside out.

          “ Well – y’know me, I’ll never say no to a drink. “

          Gary may have been banking on that response. If anything, they could both depend on their tendency to drink themselves stupid. Well, they were sort of stupid to begin with. Every time was the same --- make a plan, plan falls through, drink until nothing makes sense anymore. Not the healthiest of coping strategies, but he’d managed to convince himself it was the best with what he could do. He simply pushed himself from his seat and fell into step. The kitchen was only a moment away where he paused at the fridge with his hand on the handle. 

          What was he so SCARED of? He was never afraid of Ash. He was never in a position where he had to hide something from him for years. He’d been trying to push him away yet keep him close. He had the poor guy on a leash, but just kept on kicking him like a broken dog. His knuckles were beginning to turn white with how hard he was gripping. Ash was always good to him --- even in the years where they were across the entire world from each other. Hell, he still tolerated him at his worst. He knew his own feelings for Ash, as complicated as they were. He loved him and resented him. They were affectionate feelings, but he resented the person Ash was becoming. He was quite frankly a mess, but not beyond repair. Heh --- they were both a mess. Gary just appeared to be better at swallowing it down to leave a hollow shell behind.

          He could feel his face heating up as he stared at his glossy reflection on the fridge door. His cheeks burned red with his eyes itching with the irritation of tears. He didn’t know what he wanted to believe anymore. He’d been in turmoil with himself for so long. His own grandfather --- if he was even that --- refused to speak with him every time he tried to mention the time before he came to live with him when he was very young. It was a taboo topic since his teenage years and he let the issue go until it ate at him from the inside out. No goddamn surprise he had attachment issues. There was no wonder he sometimes broke down at the thought of getting close to someone if there was a chance they were hiding something from him. All he wanted was someone to be honest with him.

          Gary lost track of exactly how long he’d spent staring absently at himself with his hand in a death grip on a stupid handle. His fingers fell free from it only to ball into a fist to punch the metal surface where his own face had reflected. He heard a crack with a few tears breaking free to run down his cheeks. His shoulders shook as he hunched forward with a throb in his hand. He glared at his fist only to raise it again and drive it into the door once more. He fell against it with his hands pressed flush against the cool surface. His skin was burning hot as he choke on his own tears and heavy breaths. “O--ow---” 

[aemulatus-blog]

( ASH )

        ALL GARY WOULD BE PRIVY TO WAS a wordless sigh – Ash had since curled himself limply on the couch, his unfocused stare fixating on nothing in particular but the middle-distance and the forest of empty bottles sprouting from the coffee table. Nothing, he thought, nothing had changed – therein lay his ever worsening little conundrum. If there was anything Ash couldn’t stomach, it was stagnation. 

          “ Nothin’, “   he groaned wearily, the arm curled under his head inconspicuously readjusting itself. This was an elaborate game at this point; every subtle move betrayed something. Despite himself, though, despite his efforts, his gaze eventually fell upon Gary, if only briefly. It never stopped hurting, to behold him, to see him contend with this strange limbo Ash had probably forced them into all by himself. Truly, he thought, he was awful, it was no wonder that he should suffer in this way. 

          “ Well, I mean—- “   he abruptly, though softly started, his tired limbs swinging to as he pushed himself upright.    “ Gary, for fuck’s sake, I’m thirty and I was only ever really with someone when I was like eighteen, “   finally, some emotion. His visible exasperation with his own personal pervasive emptiness went quickly masked, however, as he reached for his half-empty bottle. The unholy amount of nameless hook-ups and one night stands under his belt, though, those didn’t count, he thought.   “ D’you not think that’s just fucked... “    Pathetic, even. He pitied the sight of himself coldly reflected in the dead television screen opposite. True, it was fucked, but really… could be be surprised?

          Unfixed on anything in particular, Gary’s gaze mirrored his counterpart’s. Although, he was facing Ash with his back to the arm of the couch. A blanket was draped over his shoulders somewhere in the course of the evening. He was protecting himself from some invisible monster --- his own thoughts. His own emotions. He could hardly even be recognized as that loud, abrasive kid from years ago at this point. Sitting there alone with his own mind was enough to drive him mad.

          His eyes only flickered into focus when some semblance of emotion was shown toward him. His mouth was still buried behind his arms, biting down on the long sleeve of his shirt to stifle himself from speaking out too quickly. When was the breaking point? He’d seen a... steady decline in his best friend over the years yet he knew nothing of how to aid him. He hadn’t really tried to help him either. What was he supposed to do? He’d tried to help long ago to no avail. After a certain point, he was bound to give up.

          Yet, he didn’t want to give up. He simply felt exhausted with it all. Ash was hard to read. He was overly expressive, but clumsy. Every thing he said was bound to have a twist to it, whether it be a fake smile or lie of omission underlying it. If anything, he hated a lie. What did Ash have to lie to him about? They’d known each other for just about as long as he could remember. Why did he hide behind himself? That overwhelming bravado and feigned confidence. At some point, all that gold vaneer peeled away to show nothing but rot beneath.

          How did he still love the man? Love was strange ---  strange to define. Strange to express. He was never good at it. He shifted in discomfort, eyes shifting to the side. He could see Ash’s reflection in the blank screen --- his eyes turned upon themselves. That emptiness he saw there made his heart sore. He lulled his head to the side, resting it on his arms with his face finally exposed. He’d shared in his own guilty moments with people he hardly knew and rarely spoke to again. They were so faint in his mind that he barely gave them thought. Gary simply stayed quiet for a moment and chewed at the side of his cheek. When he finally spoke, his voice had a foreign strain to it as if he’d forgotten his own voice. It finally had some feeling behind it, however hard he tried to swallow it. “Why are you telling me this?”