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I quit drinking on 1/20/20. I have never wanted to go back and hope I never do.

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I don’t know how many years ago I wrote these posts. Looking through them, how exhausting it seems to have to track my drinking. I stopped drinking altogether on January 20 of 2020. Now it all just seems like a stupid and petty waste of time and energy. Anyways… Life is better now.

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Drinking less alcohol than before, it feels like I more immediately see the effect of alcohol on my brain. We were on our last morning of vacation yesterday, and I had several mimosas. I felt buzzed but nothing more. But by afternoon I felt this hint of hopeless sadness, and not just end-of-vacation blues. My world just felt it had a bit less light in it. I hope this more immediate attenuating feedback can help me stop drinking or at least continue to reduce. I did make good decisions at other times this vacation, and drank wayyyy less than I would have a few months ago. I wonder if the whole "progress not perfection" concept is realistic here, or just an excuse. It feels I've made progress. But alcohol dependence is so slippery, it's easy for me to be dismissive, and find myself back where I started.

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Spouse and I are vacationing with the lady who officiated our wedding, and her husband. I won't try to lie or justify- I have not stayed sober. Right now I could provide a litany of things wrong with me, or bad choices I've made. I will list one- I peed in a pool yesterday for the first time in my life. At the urging of a friend who assured me, "that's what the chemicals are for."

What a hell of a week it was. Back into the storm tomorrow. I was thinking earlier about various things alcohol has helped me with, but no longer does. But forgot what those were.

I'm going to resume drinking coffee beside this pool. We have to check out in 19 minutes.

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I work as a mental health crisis counselor. Two early mornings per week, and three afternoons per week. Sometimes the job puts a pit in my stomach. Getting up early those two mornings per week, almost always puts a pit in my stomach. Early mornings are not cool. Singing in my car gets the knot out of my stomach sometimes. Emmylou Harris's album Spyboy is on repeat. It has the dramatic heartfelt ballads, and also upbeat road trip sounding music. That album got me through my first few years after college back in the late 90s. So anyway, singing is another thing that's been helping me with slowing down, and feeling less anxious.

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"Midnight stars could drop their ladders"

Back to work tomorrow. Tonight, a camp fire in the backyard. Dog is dutifully guarding us from mice and rabbits. The moon is waxing and shining down on the neighbor's giant sycamore tree and our magnolia tree. Both trees are swaying in the moonlight and a north breeze. One of my favorite albums ever is playing- Meet Me at the Edge of the World, is playing in the dark.

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I tried making donuts, but my very unimpressed dog was like "no", and I realized how much I don't like boiling oil in my house, and I quit after 4 "donuts".

My dog is like a big furry Prozac. When work is stressful I look at his picture or even think about him, and I'm smiling. And smiling feels good when it's real. Plus if I don't walk him 2 miles a day, he always makes me regret it. So the exercise and sunshine lift my spirits.

In fact our daily walk after breakfast seems to calibrate me. And I get to practice patience because my dog will launch in-depth investigations into a dead leaf or a lamppost, while I twiddle my thumbs and remind myself to just breathe.

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Meditation

I don't even try to meditate. I can't sit still very long, and I can't shut my brain off. But making things with my hands does help a lot.

I considered this drawing a meditative success. I would sit down at it, and all of a sudden three hours have gone by, and I am in such a state of peace. Today I'm trying to make donuts from a recipe that I found in the times a few weeks ago. One thing I heard, and it's ringing true, baking is chemistry. I'm an artist, not a chemist, and damned if that dough is not rising so much as a centimeter.

I am not an emotional person, and not a talkative person, usually. That makes it hard to feel spiritually connected to God or people. I was raised in a very conservative Christian culture. I still consider myself a believer, but I'm sure a lot of people from my background would not consider me a believer anymore.

Which is sort of OK with me. I went to a great church in my 20s and 30s, where I was able to learn to stop caring about what people think (as well as how to mix a good stiff drink), and I stopped having to impress people or God. That was kind of a natural lesson for me to learn, I think because it meshed with my personality. There are other things that are hard to learn, and go against my grain.

Patience, for instance, does not come naturally to me. I have to struggle to drive below 70 mph. I almost dropped the F bomb on a client two nights ago because I was angry at what someone in her life was doing. I want to physically shove people out of my way at the grocery store. My husband has to remind me to slow down when we walk somewhere.

Maybe the alcohol helped me slow down. I have noticed myself becoming so impatient lately. I don't know if that's from removing alcohol from my daily life, or a combination of that and coming off the antidepressants, but I feel burnt out lately. So I'm taking a long weekend. My weekend started on Wednesday night. A year ago I would've gone through a 12 pack of beer between Wednesday night and now.

I think one of the many reasons alcohol used to work for me, but it doesn't anymore, is I was able to commute everywhere by train, bus, or bicycle for 15 years or so. About a year and a half ago I had to start driving. That really makes you take notice of how much you're drinking.

What a gorgeous stretch of days! The husband and I are walking up to the Italian neighborhood for some dinner when he gets home.

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9/29

I am not living up to the standard that I so fervently set for myself after that incident in the target parking garage. On the other hand I'm doing better than I might have otherwise expected myself to do. Not drinking every day, not getting drunk, not drinking on work nights. Also it's nice to realize I can enjoy things without a drink in hand.

I thought that I would need to permanently cut alcohol out of my life. Maybe I will still decide that down this road somewhere. I've never really been a disciplined, rules oriented, all or nothing type of person. Thankfully I am usually pretty good at self moderating in all the areas of my life. It's just a matter of seeing whether or not I can continue to moderate my alcohol intake.

I was visiting an old friend last night. We went to Bible college together. We are from the same hometown, and we are from the same little network of evangelical churches. When I moved back home, I lived with her and her kids for the first few lonely months here. I had a room down in her basement. I got to the point where I was going through a bottle of wine at night just to sleep. I was dealing with serious depression during that time. I was going through maybe a bottle or more of liquor a week. I went to my doctor after it had been feeling unmanageable for too long. She had me stop drinking for eight weeks, and started me on anti-depressants, for the second time in my life.

Now I am almost done weaning off of the antidepressants, for the third time in my life. Anyway, I started saying that I hung out with my friend last night. We used to split a bottle of wine on her front porch every week. Now that her kids are teenagers, going to bed later, and dealing with all kinds of their own business, I don't get to see her as much. Last night was like an oasis! And it felt really good, after one and a half glasses of wine, to just not really want anymore.

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8/31

Last night I really wanted a beer after work. Instead I learned I can have a good time binge watching Hulu into the early hours, without finishing the better part of a six pack. Little things like that have been sort of eye-opening, or learning experiences recently.

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8/27

I'm still going. Not counting the days anymore. I don't think much about it anymore.

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Twelve

I love this lady: http://www.hipsobriety.com/home/

She has a lot of good things to say, including the concept that we don’t have to reach rock bottom in order to change. Over the weekend one of the out-of-town guests and I were talking about the progression of alcohol dependence. And I mentioned that I don’t want to reach The end of the spectrum. I don’t want to see where the road goes.

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Evening eleven

Today was alcohol-free. I’m happy about that. 😊

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Day eleven

I drank a glass of wine yesterday. I guess I’m justifying myself, but I had a four-day weekend that included my dad’s birthday party, an evening cook out/camp fire w/ more out of town guests, an eclipse party, a day out showing our out-of-town friends some microbreweries here, and a day in the pool with my awesome next-door neighbor. So over four days I had three drinks. I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. I’m not going to drink anymore this week either. That’s my plan, that’s what I decided. We have a weekend vacation coming up in October with other friends. I’m not sure if I will have a beer or two then. But my plan right now is no more alcohol until then at least. I wonder when I reach a point, where I stop focusing on not drinking, and start noticing more positive things, more things that are present, rather than things that are absent.

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Day ten

I had two beers yesterday. I planned ahead that I was going to. We were taking friends around town, and stopped in two microbreweries. I had a beer at each one. I'm not sure if I should feel OK about it or feel wrong about it. I stopped after those two beers. And I did not feel tempted to drink more last night when other out-of-town friends showed up for a grill out. I also guess that I should probably try not to become overly confident, and think that I can get away with a beer here and there. In my experience that has led me to just having a casual beer or two every night, which overtime leads me to getting drunk on Fridays while my husband is at work. Actually two nights ago I started to drink a beer, on impulse. I got about a quarter of the way into that can, and realized it wasn't worth it. So my husband finished it for me. I want to stay on track. I don't want to start having drinks on the weekdays and on the weekends, and not at home. I don't necessarily even want to drink when we go out. I think I would rather try other options. I guess I feel like I'm still on track. Not going back to drinking. Still going to try to be alcohol free.

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Day eight

I’m still going. I really wanted a beer earlier, after finishing some housework. I was feeling more wiped out then usual, and by habit I felt like a beer would boost my energy. But I ate a piece of chocolate instead. I keep thinking I’m trying something new here. I’ve already tried the drinking option when I feel like a drink. Now I’m trying out a new option.

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Day seven

I am glad to be alcohol free for another day. One week ago this morning was the last time I drink. Last night a beer sounded really good. Not good enough to go back though. So far life doesn’t feel like it’s lacking anything. Today is my dad’s birthday party, and tomorrow weekend guests arrive.