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NA Just for Today

Just For Today February 07, 2017 This is not a test Page 39 "...we have found a loving, personal God to whom we can turn." Basic Text, p. 27 Some of us come into recovery with the impression that life's hardships are a series of cosmic tests designed to teach us something. This belief is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and we wail, "My Higher Power is testing me!" We're convinced that it's a test of our recovery when someone offers us drugs, or a test of our character when faced with a situation where we could do something unprincipled without getting caught. We may even think it's a test of our faith when we're in great pain over a tragedy in our lives. But a loving Higher Power doesn't test our recovery, our character, or our faith. Life just happens, and sometimes it hurts. Many of us have lost love through no fault of our own. Some of us have lost all of our material wealth. A few of us have even grieved the loss of our own children. Life can be terribly painful at times, but the pain is not inflicted on us by our Higher Power. Rather, that Power is constantly by our sides, ready to carry us if we can't walk by ourselves. There is no harm that life can do us that the God of our understanding can't heal. Just for Today: I will have faith that my Higher Power's will for me is good, and that I am loved. I will seek my Higher Power's help in times of need.

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Day 20 - I get to . . .

I get to today. Not I have to or she wants me to. It’s I get to. This is my “got to” list for today.

I got to go to a morning meeting. I got to tell my Tayliepoo that I love her. I got to take my dad to Palm Springs. I got to pick my kids up at the bus stop. I got to listen to my kids make fun of me for going to the wrong bus stop. I got to take my kids to the library. I got to clean the house today. I got to talk to my sponsor today. I got to argue with my wife today. I got to apologize to my wife today.

I probably wouldn't have done any of those things if I would have gotten loaded today. I ain't perfect but I'm sure as fuck better than I was yesterday.

~A Gaunt Prospector

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Day 20 - Another Day in Paradise

Holy fuckballs, I’m tired as shit! I just wanna sleep, but dad wants to go to Palm Springs so off to Palm Springs we shall go. At least he’s not asking me to drive him into LA. I hate that fuckin’ place. It’s evil!

Yesterday I was driving with my wife on a street I’ve been on 100 times before and all of a sudden I didn’t know where the hell I was. It was the weirdest fucin’ feeling. I could pick out places - Red Lobster, I know where that is - TGIF, got it - the Ontario mall, yup - but the whole entire picture didn’t make sense to me in my head. It was so fuckin’ strange. I was really confused and couldn’t make it all make sense. I had no idea which direction I was headed and had even less of a clue where I should turn to get to where I was going. And this was on a street I’ve been on 1,000 times.

I talked about this in the meeting I went to this morning and all the old-timers were just giggling and nodding their heads while they smiled at me while I talked. It’s apparent to me that they’ve heard this story before and that it was nothing for me to be alarmed about. It’s just really frustrating because I thought that the “fog” had lifted and that I was on my way. Yesterday I heard in a meeting that the “fog” could last for several months and that it can come and go for up to a year. Fuck, man, I only used meth hard for less than a year. This shit should be gone by now. Fuck . . .

But I’ll keep on keepin’ on. I’m going to 2 - 3 meetings a day right now and that’s what I see for myself for the foreseeable future. My sponsor comes back from Mexico tonight and we’ll get busy on the steps. Going to meetings and reading shit isn’t enough for me. My thinking is still fucked up. I think fucked up shit. I wanna do fucked up shit. Not using, though. For some reason, I haven’t had the urge to use since January 17th. My sobriety date is January 18th. God willing, I’ll use the tools being given to me when I do get the urge, because I know it’s coming.

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NA Just for Today

Just For Today February 06, 2017 I can't - we can Page 38 "We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis. The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie." Basic Text, p. 62 "I can't, but we can." This simple but profound truth applies initially to our first need as NA members: Together, we can stay clean, but when we isolate ourselves, we're in bad company. To recover, we need the support of other addicts. Self-sufficiency impedes more than just our ability to stay clean. With or without drugs, living on self-will inevitably leads to disaster. We depend on other people for everything from goods and services to love and companionship, yet self-will puts us in constant conflict with those very people. To live a fulfilling life, we need harmony with others. Other addicts and others in our communities are not the only ones we depend on. Power is not a human attribute, yet we need power to live. We find it in a Power greater than ourselves which provides the guidance and strength we lack on our own. When we pretend to be self-sufficient, we isolate ourselves from the one source of power sufficient to effectively guide us through life: our Higher Power. Self-sufficiency doesn't work. We need other addicts; we need other people; and, to live fully, we need a Power greater than our own. Just for Today: I will seek the support of other recovering addicts, harmony with others in my community, and the care of my Higher Power. I can't, but we can.

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Day 19 - Like You're Loved

It's okay to act like You've been set free And live like you're loved. It's okay to feel like The world is your playground And love like you've never loved before. It's okay to see the world From a different view And look around to see the sights It's okay to act Like you've been set free And live like you're loved. ~A Gaunt Prospector

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NA Just for Today February 5

Just For Today February 05, 2017 Keep coming back! Page 37 "We are grateful that we were made so welcome at meetings that we felt comfortable." Basic Text, p. 83 Remember how scared we were when we walked into our first NA meeting? Even if we walked in with a friend, most of us recall how difficult it was to attend that first meeting. What was it that kept us coming back? Most of us have grateful memories of the welcome we were given and how comfortable that made us feel. When we raised our hand as a newcomer, we opened the door for other members to approach us and welcome us. Sometimes the difference between those addicts who walk back out the door of their first meeting, never to return to NA, and the addicts who stay to seek recovery is the simple hug of an NA member. When we have been clean awhile, it's easy to step back from the procession of newcomers-after all, we've seen so many people come and go. But members with some clean time can make the difference between the addict who doesn't return and the addict who keeps coming back. By offering our phone numbers, a hug, or just a warm welcome, we extend the hand of Narcotics Anonymous to the addict who still suffers. Just for Today: I remember the welcome I was given when I first came to NA. Today, I will express my gratitude by offering a hug to a newcomer.

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Day 18 - February 4th

I should write some shit but I’m tired. Been cooking since early afternoon and I have to get up in 90 minutes to check my smoker. Hasta mana, fuckers . . .

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NA Thought for Today February 3

Just For Today February 03, 2017 We need each other Page 35 "Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity creed, religion, or lack of religion." Basic Text, p. 9 Addiction closed our minds to anything new or different. We didn't need anyone or anything, we thought. There was nothing of value to be found in anyone from a different neighborhood, a different racial or ethnic background, or a different social or economic class. We may have thought that if it was different, it was bad. In recovery, we can't afford such attitudes. We came to NA because our very best thinking had gotten us nowhere. We must open our minds to experience that works, no matter where it comes from, if we hope to grow in our recovery. Regardless of our personal backgrounds, we all have two things in common with one another in NA that we share with no one else: our disease, and our recovery. We depend on one another for our shared experience-and the broader that experience, the better. We need every bit of experience, every different angle on our program we can find to meet the many challenges of living clean. Recovery often isn't easy. The strength we need to recover, we draw from our fellow NA members. Today, we are grateful for the diversity of our group's membership, for in that diversity we find our strength. Just for Today: I know that the more diverse my groups experience is, the better able my group will be to offer me support in the different circumstances I find myself facing. Today, I welcome addicts from all backgrounds to my home group. Copyright (c) 2007-2016, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

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Day 15 - Another  time . . .

My wife just saw me writing and asked me if 15 is the real number. I told her it was. She said that yesterday I was just so giddy, she had to think I was using. I get that I told her. Water under the bridge.

We bought a new car yesterday and she accused me of using. I thought it was funny at first but it started to piss me off after a while. Get a damned test and get it over with but shut the fuck up about it. I don't blame her, though. I would have thought I was using, too.

We were talking about 5 minutes ago and she reminded me that I felt like this for about the first 3 months I quit drinking and then it all went to hell. I was miserable all the time. I was crying all the time and always calling my sponsor. Rick, my sponsor, from what my wife says always told me the same thing, "You're right where you're supposed to be, Dan." I do remember him saying that a lot. It amuses me that my wife remembers it, too.

She also reminded me that at about 9 months things started to look up for me. I could see life without alcohol and drugs. I could picture my life and what it might look like as I learn to actually feel my emotions and learned how to deal with them.

Rick was a greeat mean and I'll miss him dearly for the rest of my life. That man left a big footprint on this world. I know I'm starting again but that doesn't mean I can't pass on what he so freely gave to me . . . when it's time . . . when it's time. Right now, I need to learn how to live again.

I'm ready, motherfuckers . . .

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Day 15 - Writing I started

I started this writing probably 10 years ago. I wrote it in about 30 seconds from a memory that is still very vivid in my head, even to this day. I pull it up every now and then to work on it. I can’t seem to get past this very first page. Maybe this is all that is meant to be. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know.

Rex killed himself on August 11, 1990. He stuck a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. My mother found him in the middle of the night and screamed the most awful scream you could ever imagine. Kyle, another brother of mine, ran downstairs. You can’t even imagine what we saw. I hope go God I never have to see anyting like that again.

That night invades my sleep. The images a neverending loop in my head. The booze, the drugs, they’re the only way I know how to make them stop. Not sleeping, speed, allowed me to push the pause button for a while. My pause button has now been removed. To be honest, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to use again. The thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. But it will. When the slideshow starts to be more frequent, I’ll want to get loaded again. Someone tell me how to make it stop before it starts. Please …

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was late at night and we were walking down the road in a little town called Wilton in Eastern Iowa. Rex had just gotten off of the phone. He was wearing my Uncle Kevin’s old army jacket. It was worn, old, and I thought he looked really damn cool wearing it. I thought he walked on water. He always looked really damn cool to me. Rex was really upset when he got off the phone. As we walked down the street, right down the middle, Rex was crying. I was crying, too, but I had no idea why. I just knew that if it was enough to make Rex cry like this then I should be crying, too.

“SON OF A BITCH!!!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

I knew him well enough to know that I should just keep my fuckin’ mouth shut at this point.

“SON OF A BITCH!!! pierced the still night of our little town.

I had no clue what he was yelling about, or crying about, but I knew it was bad.

“FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!”

At this point I was pretty much crying out of fear.

“You have to promise me that you’ll never kill yourself,” he said as he stopped walking and turned to me. His face was red around his eyes, tears were streaming down his face, and his voice was shaky. “Promise me!”

“I promise,” was all I could say. I still had no idea what the hell was going on.

“Thad’s dead.”

We stared at each other, we hugged, we cried.

“Rex,” I said, “You have to promise me, too. You have to promise me that you’ll never do what Thad did.”

“I promise,” he whispered to me as we were hugging.

Thad’s mom had called Rex to tell him Thad had killed himself. He used a pistol. I don’t know the details, and I don’t need to know. Nor do I know the circumstances leading up to that tragic moment. It didn’t matter to me. Thad was dead and Rex and I were both in pain. My pain was mostly for Rex. Rex’s pain was from losing one of his best friends. I believe Rex was around 15 at the time. I was 13 or 14.

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NA Just for Today February 2

February 02, 2017

Goodwill

Page 34

"Goodwill is best exemplified in service; proper service is 'Doing the right thing for the right reason.' "

Basic Text, p. xv

The spiritual core of our disease is self-centeredness. In dealing with others, the only motive our addiction taught us was selfishness we wanted what we wanted when we wanted it. Obsession with self was rooted in the very ground of our lives. In recovery, how do we root self-obsession out?

We reverse the effects of our disease by applying a few very simple spiritual principles. To counteract the self-centeredness of our addiction, we learn to apply the principle of goodwill. Rather than seeking to serve only ourselves, we begin serving others. Rather than thinking only about what we can get out of a situation, we learn to think first of the welfare of others. When faced with a moral choice, we learn to stop, recall spiritual principles, and act appropriately

As we begin doing the right thing for the right reason, we can detect a change in ourselves. Where once we were ruled by self-will, now we are guided by our goodwill for others. The chronic self-centeredness of addiction is losing its hold on us. We are learning to practice these principles in all our affairs ; we are living in our recovery, not in our disease.

Just for Today: Wherever I am, whatever I do, I will seek to serve others, not just myself. When faced with a dilemma, I will try to do the right thing for the right reason.

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NA Thought for the Day February 1

Hardships "We felt different... Only after surrender are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction." Basic Text, p. 22 "But you don't understand!" we spluttered, trying to cover up. "I'm different! I've really got it rough!" We used these lines over and over in our active addiction, either trying to escape the consequences of our actions or avoid following the rules that applied to everyone else. We may have cried them at our first meeting. Perhaps we've even caught ourselves whining them recently. So many of us feel different or unique. As addicts, we can use almost anything to alienate ourselves. But there's no excuse for missing out on recovery, nothing that can make us ineligible for the program- not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything. There are thousands of addicts who have found recovery despite the real hardships they've faced. Through working the program, their spiritual awareness has grown, in spite of-or perhaps in response to those hardships. Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery. By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we're bound to find that we feel a part of something. And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all. Just for Today: I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principles of recovery I have in common with so many others. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me into it.

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Hey dude! I hope you're having a great day today ❤️ day 14 for you right?!

Yup - 2 weeks today. Hope you're doing well, also. Take care.

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NA Just for Today January 31

Trust

Page 31

"Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery."

Basic Text, p. 93

Learning to trust is a risky proposition. Our past experience as using addicts has taught us that our companions could not be trusted. Most of all, we couldn't trust ourselves.

Now that we're in recovery, trust is essential. We need something to hang onto, believe in, and give us hope in our recovery. For some of us, the first thing we can trust is the words of other members sharing in meetings; we feel the truth in their words.

Finding someone we can trust makes it easier to ask for help. And as we grow to trust in their recovery, we learn to trust our own.

Just for Today: I will decide to trust someone. I will act on that trust.

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Maybe now I’ll get it . . .

I get this so much better than the actual version… I wish someone had explained it to me this way on my very first day; then maybe I wouldn’t have had such a difficult time letting go and getting clean.

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Powerful words . . .

I feel like when we were growing up, we were told that addicts and alcoholics were these bad people with no real direction in life. We were taught to “Just say no to drugs!” And if you didn’t, you would end up looking like you were 68 instead of 28. They left out the part that worst thing about addiction isn’t losing everything you have but losing yourself.

They didn’t tell us that years later we would be on our hands and knees searching desperately for change so we would have enough money to buy alcohol at the store. They left out the part where being sober feels like the worst thing in the world because you can’t stand another minute without being numb to it all.

They didn’t tell us that addiction is a disease and those of us who suffer from it are sick.

I wasn’t ready for this.

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Day 13 - Clean Another Day

Remember the guy from yesterday that I gave a ride home to? I said I wouldn’t give him a ride again or if I did give him a ride I would make sure we only talk about recovery if we do? Well, I gave him another ride tonight after the meeting and all we talked about all the way home is recovery. Yay!

This dude that I respect a great deal walked up and gave me a hug tonight. That was kinda weird. I’m not a huge hug guy. As a matter of fact, it makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. My old sponsor, Rick, would be telling me to hug three people after every meeting, and he’d probably even stick on the stipulation that I couldn’t hug someone I have already hugged until I had hugged everyone there at least once. lol Some stupid shit like that, and then he would smile that smile of his and says, “It’s all good, brother. I love you.” I love you, too, Rick. Rest in peace, you silly fucker. Miss you . . .

~A Gaunt Prospector