ainahsaur

[ainahsaur]

oh my god, i never thought i will be in this era again. the broken me and all, but guess what? it is somehow different because we have a daughter. a very beautiful and healthy daughter. it's really exhausting and tiring to be keep on hoping that someone will change and will finally see your worth??? i mean, not just the bare minimum because i know i am more than that. this is a really big decision for me. sobra. breaking up with my baby's daddy is really hard. but its too much. my mind is always all over the place. its not healthy anymore, i know. because my mind is on verge of hurting him because of this anger inside me. i resent him sooo much that i want to punch him in the face. that maybe one punch will make him realize that what he's doing to me is not okay.

i mean, yes he is providing to his daughter. he's providing financially. but is that all? does money conquer all? no, love is. i know that it is cliche, but come on. i need money, yeah. but so is love. tf. i look like i am begging him to treat me more that the bare minimum, but he's not up to change. this is really tiring. i'm so fucking tired of all these. as long as i wanted to stay, to keep this relationship so that my baby will not experience a broken family, i am afraid i couldn't do it. i'm scared that this relationship will cost me my life. just by thinking about it, i started to realized that nah, this is not worth it anymore. my daughter needs a healthy and happy mommah. not a depressed one.

ps: please, if someone is reading this, please. talk to me. hahaha xoxo

[ainahsaur]

sana ako din okay na. sana masaya na din ako. sana ako din.

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

Girl in Pieces — Kathleen Glasgow

[ainahsaur]

Yes, we need sex education, but you know what else we need?

Body education. 

We need to learn what’s normal for our own bodies, we need to learn how they’re supposed to function so we know when they go wrong. How do you tell what a lump looks like in breast cancer? What does skin cancer look like? What do bruises mean and when does skin get infected? Did you know that your areola (the bit around the nipple) can grow and shrink in the heat? Or that they can be different sizes? What does it mean if your pupils are different sizes? Periods have pain but how much? When?  What’s the recovery position?

Basically, when they say you know your body, not everyone actually does. And not knowing how other bodies work means that if something’s up with yours it may not be caught until it’s too late. 

(This is from someone who’s spent their adolescence and early adulthood going, “Wait, your body doesn’t do that?”) 

Body education. 

[ainahsaur]

“But you’re always gonna be the boy who made me forget how to drive after we kissed. The boy whose smile could light up an entire town. The boy whose chocolate brown eyes I’d pick over any scenery in this entire universe. The boy whose mere touch led to sparks all over my body. The boy whose sadness broke my heart more than my own ever did. The boy whose dreams and happiness meant the world to me. The boy I write about. The boy who made me realize my love is such that no word in any language could do justice to its extent. The boy I can’t hate no matter how much he broke and destroyed me. The boy I’ll love forever and always. The boy I’ll never be able to let go. The boy I don’t wanna let go.”

— The only boy I’ll ever be able to love with a whole heart.

[ainahsaur]

What happens to those of us who never move on? Who can’t move on? Do we just spend the rest of our lives trapped with all that pain and all those memories? Is there any peace for us? Or is unrelenting suffering all that our life is going to consist of? Does that chest pain ever go away and if it not go away, does it ever dull?

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

fuck. i’m hungry. AGAIN

[ainahsaur]

so i cleaned my room and it’s a different kind of day today yayyy

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

oct 2 and still you

[ainahsaur]

omg its so good to be back

[ainahsaur]

[ainahsaur]

how do i become easier to love