aionshadow

[aionshadow]

Him

He looks at me and my knees buckle , his smile makes me flush and my heart race, when he plays with my hair I melt, when he touches me I blush and am overcome with the warmest feeling I’ve ever known. I’ve never truly known what love was or what love can do to a person. I leave him and I feel like I’m leaving half of my self with him. Our relationship isn’t perfect and is sometimes pretty difficult but our love is strong and nothing can break it. Sometimes I get scared because I’ve never felt anything this strong in my life, they way I feel when I see him for the first time after a long period is unexplainable, if I were to try I could only explain it as every feeling of joy , love, caring, and tenderness all wrapped into a ball and dropped into a vat of kindness and nurturing. He gives me strength when I’m weak, makes me smile when I’m sad, helps me push out the negative, cuddles me when I need to feel his touch. He is so much more then I will ever deserve but I am so glad that he wants to be with me, he’s perfect in every way and I will stand besides him until my soul is gone. For once I think I can understand what people say when they talk about soulmates, I used to think it was a myth and that they didn’t exist but I believe that I have found mine. I hope you can find the one that makes you feel as good as he makes me.

[aionshadow]

[aionshadow]

Me: I’m not going to react, I’m not going to become emotional, I will not be irrational, I will keep my cool.

Me 5 seconds later: *screaming* *crying* *destructive* *fighting urges* *suicidal*

Me 2 minutes later: I think that went quite well. Excellent. Bravo.

[aionshadow]

In so much pain right now , my chest hurts so bad and my mind is starting to play its games I just want it to stop.... I don't want this to be what my life becomes. I'm supposed to be strong and help out but instead I'm getting weaker and weaker. Ive literally cried all day I can't stop no matter what I do. I can fake it but the truth is I'm so hurt and alone and scared . not even scared terrified to the deepest part of my soul. The worst part is I don't know how to make it better. I feel like an inconvenience and a problem I don't like to tell people I need them or anything because then they feel bad I'd rather play it off like its just a scuff instead of a gaping hole. Posting these things has been helping a little but I feel so gross every time I post something. :(

[aionshadow]

Concept: you and me on the beach at night, and your splashing me with the salty water and I chase you around. We topple over and lay at the edge of the shore, and I kiss your salty sweet lips and I can taste the vast ocean in your mouth, and I can smell the salty breeze in your breath. And our hair is messy, our skin is gritty from the sand, and we our wet and sticky, yet completely at peace and our hearts sync up to the crashing of the waves. We are in love under the the moon and in the sea.

[aionshadow]

im pretty sure the secrets to healthy happy relationships are literally just human decency, genuine sympathy, ability to self-reflect, and like? just? talk to them? like. even if you cant do that other shit… just talk and listen. talk a lot and listen always. 

[aionshadow]

Not even sure how I should feel right now to be honest. I'm extremly sad and yet I'm just extremly numb. It honest doesn't matter, I'm not gonna talk about it. I just wish this feeling would go away. I just wish I had more time. I wish I didn't know what I know and that my brain would stop making me visualize it.

[aionshadow]

Ashes of Time (1994) dir.Wong Kar Wai

[aionshadow]

Disgust and being in love are two nearly indistinguishable feelings.

[aionshadow]

I'm laying in my bed and all I can do is think of him and all the dreams he has. He hikes so tightly to them even when nothings working he still holds to them. It's inspiring and makes me love him more and more. I want to give him all of his dreams, even if it means sacrificing my own. Anything is worth seeing that man's smile and happiness

[aionshadow]

Starting off Deep

Recently I've been feeling so hopeless, been watching my dreams fall and dissipate into nothing. I don't honestly know where to begin one minute I'm on cloud nine the next I feel like a stuffed animal forgotten on the side of a bed. I'm tired of feeling like this, sometimes I wonder if it's because of stress but mainly I worry that it's becuase of other things. I have a big suprise this weekend planned for my boyfriend, but the thing is I've had this suprise planned for him for the past 4 months. *sigh* I want to go through with it but I've been feeling unimportant recently and it's been scaring me I don't want to expose every part of myself to just get hurt, I've never been more serious about a person in my life. Part of me wonders if it's becuase I'm in a poly relationship when I'm mono but honestly idk what I am anymore. All I know is that where he's at I want to be and that it feels like I'm being stabbed when I have to endure him talking to the others, but I don't say anything, he has enough stress and drama in his life I don't want to be the cause of anymore. I just don't know I want to open up I want to give him everything I want to expose exactly how I feel about him but I'm more terrified then I've ever been. I'm scared that after everything happens I'm just gonna be the fallback girl again. We barely txt thru the week becuase he's at school and I work and even though there's valid reasons I always end up going to bed dejected sad and alone. The past 5 months haven't been very good to me there was a very big incident in my life that has affected me in to many ways. I've become more introverted, I am constantly having panic attacks and I constantly feel alone and unsafe except when I'm with him. I haven't been able to tell him a lot becuase I've been terrified of how he would react. In the past 5 months I've had 3 suicidal scares... I stand in my bathroom just staring at the knife then I think of my family and him I think of what it would do to all of them and I cry and put it away. My leg has 3 light scratchs on it from me trying to deal with everything. I cut and then shove the item away and just feel disgusting, I feel like I'm disgusting to him, he's the reason I pull out of these stupid suicidal fits he's the one I want to see again. Eveb now I sit here and wait for a txt I know I won't get becuase he's busy with the others or not paying attention. I guess I sometimes just feel like I'm a toy to pass the time. I know how he feels about me becuase of how much he tells me and the way he looks at me. I feel guilty for having these feelings I just don't think I could take being hurt by him. *sigh* so what do I do. Do I act in love and go thru with everything I have planned or do I act in fear and just pretend I'm fine.