alfaxluis

[alfaxluis]

Hey mom... Its me again, Its been five months already, this Thursday it was my sisters birthday, she's 32 now, we had a nice day together. J, Dad, A and me had breakfast together, we talked about our week, how things are finally moving again, how the weather has been dark and off, but they keep going without stopping. I wish I could tell you Im doing the same, I am not. I went to school right after and couldn't concentrate during English, you know how much that class bores me, I just kept thinking how stuck I feel, have I done things to move forward? Yes. I have. Do I feel okay? Not yet, I do feel better than when you left, but I just feel so alone now, Im closer than ever to Dad and A, but they're just too close, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. We went to that comedian show we went to with Dad a couple years ago, the clown and the pink guy were there, you would've loved their new material, Grandma L and S loved it, they want to go next week for a special show, who know if we'll go hehe, A had the biggest smile throughout the whole show, her laugh filled the room and she shined as bright as ever, Dad was feeling old with the songs the comedians were using, I told him L and S knew them too, he felt better after. I just kept looking for you on my left, every small joke that reminded me of you I tried to catch your smile, a small gag that reminded me of our inside jokes made me look for your eyes. God I miss you. Today we had a small gathering for A, well, small isn't quite right, lots of people came to spend time with her, at peak we were close to 40, me and J tried to keep A calm and focused on enjoying it, moving things, making sure everything was perfect, doing our best to keep her smile on at all times. You would've loved it Mom. It was perfect. Except, Well, You weren't there, Im sure I wasn't the only one who was thinking of you, any song we listened to on the ride back home after school made my heart skip a beat, every comment on how much I look like you made my breath stop for a second, a treat you could've had, a second we would've shared after organizing the food made me tear up. I am not okay Mom, but Im doing my best to keep it together as if you were still here. It's been two months since D and I broke up, I still see him every couple of weeks, basically talk to him everyday through text, I haven't told anyone but my friends, I'm okay with how things evolved, we are just good friends now, he says he is done with relationships as a whole, wonder how bad I was for him to get to that conclusion, Im kidding, he says he enjoyed what we had, but that he isn't built for that kind of relationships. Did it hurt? Oh definitely, Am I angry? A little but I know him best second only to him, Im glad he trusted me to try and make things work, D has been there for me for so many things. I could never hate him. I am, so tired Mom, each day without you is a big struggle for me, obviously it is similar to A and Dad, but I am struggling so much here. School has been good tho, besides my horrible schedule, my grades are going up. Home is, different, yeah different fits, Dad and I are getting things right, we finally took down those ugly curtains we hated so much hehe, we eat well and home is alright overall. Things are moving forward, there are good and there are bad days, but Im doing my best Mom, for you and me. I still love you Mom.

A new era

Hello. As I'm writing this post it's been four days since I've lost someone very near and dear to me. My first friend. My first relationship. My first memory. My first family. My mother. It is with great pain in my heart that I type these words out seeking some sort of comfort from this brand new reality I must face from now on, I will be writing in this thread to help myself grieve in some way I'm familiar with, so that I can begin to understand the new challenges I have to face without you in my life, you were always there for me, helped me find myself in a world that did not expect me. And try and find a way to keep moving forward. Today I thought of you many times, the smell of fresh cheesecake invaded my nose as mass came to an end. Grandma brought the sweetbread we used to share while we talked about so many different things. After that we waited outside of church for our usual ice cream, the simple act of ordering your usual almost slipped my lips. Your friends came up to me, my second and third mother figures, I must be looking like hell if they insisted on hugging me and brushing my hair. You always tried to keep my hair in good condition, the mere sight of your spray bottle made my eyes fill with tears immediately. Anyways, As we managed to go back home with my godfather, my grandma, your brother and Dad, o' Dad. He is devastated without you, there is no moment where his eyes don't yearn to meet yours once more. I'm trying my best to keep him steady, he is trying to do the same with me, I don't know if I can hold it together as he is. I got side tracked. We went with my other godfathers, you know them well, your friend, her husband and their little girls, we shared a nice breakfast talking and finding our peace together, I can't help but to look for your sweet smile every other moment, or a hint of your perfume on the wind. Gods I miss you Mom, We left after so many laughs and a small boost we all needed, I still hope to find you in the kitchen to tell you about this weird dream. No. Nightmare I feel like I'm trapped in. There are moments where I feel alright, and others where I'm seconds away from crumbling and crying for just another second with you. I don't feel ready to face this world without you Mom. I know you hated making people worried about anything related with you, but I can't help it right now Mom, you were my center, my equilibrium, my North Star. But I'm trying, Gods be my witness, I'm trying my dang hardest. Tomorrow I start school again, I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but I can promise you I will try my best Mom. For all of us. I still love you Mom.

[alfaxluis]

A new era

Hello. As I'm writing this post it's been four days since I've lost someone very near and dear to me. My first friend. My first relationship. My first memory. My first family. My mother. It is with great pain in my heart that I type these words out seeking some sort of comfort from this brand new reality I must face from now on, I will be writing in this thread to help myself grieve in some way I'm familiar with, so that I can begin to understand the new challenges I have to face without you in my life, you were always there for me, helped me find myself in a world that did not expect me. And try and find a way to keep moving forward. Today I thought of you many times, the smell of fresh cheesecake invaded my nose as mass came to an end. Grandma brought the sweetbread we used to share while we talked about so many different things. After that we waited outside of church for our usual ice cream, the simple act of ordering your usual almost slipped my lips. Your friends came up to me, my second and third mother figures, I must be looking like hell if they insisted on hugging me and brushing my hair. You always tried to keep my hair in good condition, the mere sight of your spray bottle made my eyes fill with tears immediately. Anyways, As we managed to go back home with my godfather, my grandma, your brother and Dad, o' Dad. He is devastated without you, there is no moment where his eyes don't yearn to meet yours once more. I'm trying my best to keep him steady, he is trying to do the same with me, I don't know if I can hold it together as he is. I got side tracked. We went with my other godfathers, you know them well, your friend, her husband and their little girls, we shared a nice breakfast talking and finding our peace together, I can't help but to look for your sweet smile every other moment, or a hint of your perfume on the wind. Gods I miss you Mom, We left after so many laughs and a small boost we all needed, I still hope to find you in the kitchen to tell you about this weird dream. No. Nightmare I feel like I'm trapped in. There are moments where I feel alright, and others where I'm seconds away from crumbling and crying for just another second with you. I don't feel ready to face this world without you Mom. I know you hated making people worried about anything related with you, but I can't help it right now Mom, you were my center, my equilibrium, my North Star. But I'm trying, Gods be my witness, I'm trying my dang hardest. Tomorrow I start school again, I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but I can promise you I will try my best Mom. For all of us. I still love you Mom.

[alfaxluis]

I didnt know México had one

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)

[alfaxluis]

Clouds

[alfaxluis]

no thoughts head empty