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Dear friend,

I am being punished.

Yours x

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Dear friend,

How do you look at the person who gave you life and tell them you don’t want it anymore.

All my love,

Yours.

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Dear friend,

Several months have passed by since I’ve last sent a message your way. Things have been feeling rocky for quite some time. I feel tragically misplaced. I don’t feel whole. In fact, I haven’t felt whole since this time last year. June 2024 felt like a particularly strong month of being me. Since then, I feel like I’ve just lost myself in all the turmoil. I felt close, somewhere in 2025, in the journey of reclaiming who I am. A close grasp but it slipped right through my fingertips. Presently, I feel distaste with things. People, work, relationships and most sadly, myself. I feel so tragically misplaced. I don’t have the words to quite express it to anyone that may be close enough, but the feeling is there. I feel as though I will awake from my slumber some sunny morning and I will go back to feeling quite like myself but my honest hope in that happening feels slim and near impossible. I guess I haven’t lost faith just yet but I worry it’s wearing thin nonetheless. The horrors persist but so must I?

I’m not sure if you will hear from me again, perhaps when the dust settles. I have the strongest urge to disappear. To just leave. Perhaps I should do that for a bit. Maybe it would be a healthy alternative for me.

I need you to know, I thought of death today and it scared me quite a bit. I’m glad to feel that once again, for quite some time it didn’t seem to create a rattle in me.

Until we chat again, I suppose.

My love,

Your friend x

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Dear friend,

I don’t think this emptiness is ever going to leave.

I don’t think I’m going to feel okay.

What do I do?

X

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Dear friend,

It’s true what they say.

It’s going to come rushing once more on me. I’m not so sad about that part. It reminds me that I’m human and that I’m navigating through life as best as I can. In other ways, I don’t like the sadness. I’ve found myself to be patient with myself during this time, a quality that not many would grace themselves with. As humans, we’re so adamant on spending our patience so quickly, we rush it so quickly through our systems for one another. I am glad I’m holding that space for myself. I’m glad that I’m patient and gentle with myself for I, too, am still learning this life and the experiences that come with it. I’m grateful.

My heart still very much hurts. And that’s okay, it’s allowed.

As a side note, I worried for the longest time the darkest parts of you were going to return to me but they haven’t. I realise now my fear of your arrival would be so tainted but it’s you that’s been patient with me, it’s you that has allowed me this space. You’re the sound of the birds calling in the morning and the gentle caress of a warm breeze on my cheek. I’m so sorry that I feared you returning to hurt me.

You’ve shaped and made me who I am today. Without your arrival, I may not have been as strong as what I have been.

The sadness I experience and feel so deeply now is worth it as the sadness I would have experienced would’ve been too deep to handle.

I’ve gotten so better at voicing how I feel regardless of how stupid I think it’s going to make me sound.

Thank you for developing into a garden full of bloomed flowers. You previously brought me so much rain that it’s nice to see it all come together now.

With all my love,

X

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Dear friend,

It’s March 3rd. Just over two weeks since it all ended. Yesterday felt bittersweet. I wanted to know why, why I wasn’t enough. Why I wasn’t worth fighting for. Why someone could lie and say, we’ll talk it through, I won’t ignore you but proceeded to do just that. Is it me? Is this mine to carry and be weighted by? It’s crazy, just a day before it I had given him an entire Valentine’s Day gift basket full of all his favourites, many mementos and a card jammed pack of reasons why I loved him, how my heart couldn’t contain all the love I had for him and he just turned cruel on me.

Is this mine to carry? And if it isn’t then tell me how to stop.

Please,

X

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Dear friend,

Unfortunately I cried a little at work today, but I also realised I fought for us right up until the end, until I couldn’t fight anymore.

I did my best.

Yours,

X

[alias-space]

I’m not worth time, effort, I’m not worth being seen or fighting for. I’m not the person you follow out the door as they leave. I’m not worth sending that massive apology to or sending flowers to the door. I’m not worth a “just because” purchase. I’m not worth a surprise breakfast in bed. I’m not worth a Valentine’s Day card or a drive with good music to clear the fog from the day before. I’m not worth being looked at while I walk out your door for the last time. I’m not worth being looked at during arguments. I’m not worth staying beside to fix the problem while it’s happening. I’m not worth cuddles in bed on a full tummy.

I’m not worth it.

[alias-space]

Dear friend,

It’s Tuesday, 25th February and I so desperately miss him. In particular, his scent. I can’t remember what it’s like.

I’m also painfully aware of the fact some of his last words to me were telling me to get help for I would always impact relationships with people if I didn’t. This came from the unfortunate fact that I experienced two anxiety attacks around him.

If I didn’t have that second one then would we have been fine? No. That’s the problem with always putting yourself down. You let others walk over your feelings, allow them to tell you your feelings are wrong and it spirals again.

But why wasn’t I worth something?

Why was I never enough?

I feel so sad this evening.

I just wish I could call him up and tell him that I’m just all crumbly. I just wish he’d listen to me. I wish he’d take accountability for his actions. I wish for so much but I’m still going to be wrong.

I always feel wrong.

I always feel small.

Today is just really hard for me to get through.

Yesterday felt easier.

Yours,

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Dear friend,

My truth is today I miss him. I haven’t cried since he sent me that message Friday but I just feel so overwhelmed by my feelings today. I just feel so consumed. Heart aching. Chest heavy. Stomach discombobulated.

Like a wave.

I miss him so much right now.

What is there to miss? I wasn’t treated right. I feel so foolish.

Send healing thoughts my way please,

X

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Dear friend,

I can’t believe I begged for a place at his table when in reality I would’ve never been picked anyway.

I begged and I begged and I begged.

Please tell me I’m just temporarily misplaced.

That I can and will be better.

Can I be loved…

X

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Dear friend,

What if he’s surrounded by all the things I’ve given him, the reminders of me, the love I’ve shown… and feeling nothing?

Who should I be more sad for? Me, that really has nothing to truly remind me of him or him, who has received so much out of love?

I’ve been told by a friend that if I am not able to eat a lot, to consume high calorie foods such as ice cream to allow my body soak in a form of nutrition.

I know it’s over and I’m aware a lot of emotional and mental things have occurred but sometimes I just find it hard to remain strong, but then I think of him… I fear he’s truly experiencing nothing. That his days are truly filled without a thought of me, potentially perusing dating websites, the scent of me gone from his room, flowers he gave me and I gave him dead, my little giraffe slippers in the bin along with anything else I left there. Is he still consuming the valentines boo basket I made for him? Did he pass the Valentine’s Day crackers onto someone else? Did the tamagotchi I get him die just like mine died? Is he hugging Simon on the nights that seem harder to get through? Has he thought of contacting me at all?

I have all these questions. I’ve all these feelings. It’s 6pm. I’ve lasted longer today without feeling the weight of it. Tomorrow will be a day closer to a week. I’m already feeling like I’m accepting the loss of it all. Feeling like I’m able to take care of myself. Picturing a future of me smiling and laughing again. Picturing a future where the middle of my chest doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. I don’t think anyone can hear me ramble anymore, friend. I guess that’s why I’m constantly here.

I’m going to leave it here for now.

Thank you,

X

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Dear friend,

That’s the painfully funny thing about lack of clarity. Perhaps he’ll never really see the good things I’ve done, how I tried to keep him interested, how I tried to be the best for him and to him always.

I could never make him see me. I never could. I wish I could. I cried that I could.

But maybe, he just wouldn’t?

Today I feel the weight of it all again.

Yours,

X

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Dear friend,

I’ve just put Buzzfeed Unsolved on and I feel safe inside. Like a familiar feeling.

Maybe it’s the packet of gummies I’m currently eating. Maybe I’m slowly picking myself back up.

Maybe I’m going to be okay.

Yours,

Gal in her healing era.

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Dear friend,

He broke up with me because he wouldn’t get me a card or make me feel valued/special on Valentine’s Day — my dad went to town and got me a rose and one of my favourite chocolate bars.

So, was it really that difficult after all?

He broke up with me because he preferred to ignore me, not try to fix what happened even though I asked, constantly let me down, he wouldn’t feed me, or mind me when I was full of anxiety — my sister’s girlfriend drove to town to get me food, chocolate and gummies.

So, was it really that difficult after all?

The point is, if he wanted to, he would. He didn’t want to love me the way I deserved. He said he would be better for me, but continued to give me below the bare minimum quota. I made him feel valued, loved and special nearly everyday I was with him. Even on Valentine’s Day. 48hours after he told me how he wanted nothing more to do with me, didn’t want to meet my family, how a future with me would be miserable.

I was always wrong, I always felt like I was not good enough, I always felt like I was never going to reach the mark for him. I believe he wanted to bring me down so he felt like he was doing enough. Every day I told him he was enough, to be gentle with himself, that he was doing great.

I told him I never felt this way about someone before, his response? “Aw”. On Saturday, the day before the break up? He kept telling me how much he loved me, I asked him “what’s does it feel like to be in love with me?” His response “it feels great!”

I wanted to be loved loudly and I always felt deeply inside so stupid to want that but never again. If I ever find a form of love again I wish for it to be loud, I want to be loved loudly, as loudly as I love.

I ensure to love someone loudly in the future again, and I ensure to be loved loudly in return. I won’t ever again accept less.

Yours,

A healing friend x

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Dear friend,

It has begun.

I’m going through the heartbreak, the heartache.

I’m going to be kind to myself during this time regardless of the conflict between my mind and heart. I am going to retract a bit from my online persona and not be as present.

To be honest, friend, I’ve struggled for quite some time. Always felt I wasn’t enough, always felt I was too much as a person, a constant daily thing I said, a constant daily thing I felt. Deep down, I knew, I knew I wasn’t worthy of time, effort or love…. But just by him. It wasn’t actually me. It was that he didn’t want to give it to me.

To my darling friend, I’m going to be fine. I can feel it as each minute goes by, despite the dark clouded moments that seep in. I’ll be perfectly fine.

With love,

Your friend.

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Dude, what the fuck.