aliilafferty

[aliilafferty]

Cant make feel me nothing about a man

Who finger fed me

Washed my feet & hair in the shower

Would take bubble baths with

Tied my shoes

Because I know that’s the typa love he’ll never have for you unless its forced

[aliilafferty]

Smile more. It tricks your brain into thinking your happy.

It can’t tell when weather your sad or not it can stop you.

That’s why when I’m done crying I end up smiling or laughing

so i dont feel anything more.

[aliilafferty]

Sometimes people ask me why I’m never single or move on quick

Or with different guys most of the time

I guess I just love loving someone 

I love sharing my life with someone

I love being loved or in love

I love having to think about someone other than myself

Its less lonely 

And makes life for interesting

I never get to close and fall madly in love

But cute dates, letting someone in on my life just a tad, late night talks and cuddles never hurt

Who said life was only supposed to be about yourself

We all choose to live life differently 

I just like caring about what someone else is thinking or could think

I like caring about someone other than myself

I’m always putting others ahead of me

Its one of my insecurities and something I need to work on

But maybe thats just apart of being me

Just apart of who I am

[aliilafferty]

When I was with you I was so obsessed with you wanting to love me that I kind of changed my personality to something that I thought you’d like. Id work out watch what I ate. Always tired to gets jobs and make money. I always made it clear that I had a boyfriend to any guy. Dressed up and did my make up almost all the time. I hid the funny goofy side of myself sometimes. Which was a waste of time. It still wasn’t good enough. What makes you think that years later now than I would ever think about anything towards you. What makes you think I would ever cross my boundaries or lower my standards that you basically made me set for myself

[aliilafferty]

You lie, you’re like to manipulate and use people.

I know because I was one of them

Every time i see ya I miss all the good memories and just us

But that just means that I’ve grown and I forgive you not that Ill ever forgot all the bad that came with the good

I don’t see or will ever see a future with anything between us ever be more than what ever it is now

That fact I can be corduel with you and even be around is a big thing for me

Ive healed and matured 

You even said your self that I’ve changed and I’m different in a good way.

The thing is that I see the way your are and your life now

That thats not my life anymore

You will always be and will forever be the way you are

You will never change at least for now anyways

[aliilafferty]

People who still have parents or at least a safe place to live then take it all for granted piss me off. The people that try to diss you about the money you make, the people you surround yourself with, or the actions you take. The kind of people who can choose to be better that can choose to get help the people have the income for it. They have no idea about the people that just cant get away from it all no matter how hard they try. Its in bedded in their blood. Its not who they’ve become its who they are. So I try not to listen to those people who can judge you for who you are because you’ve grown into it. You know your true self and intentions. You know the in and outs. You know the good from the bad. I feel sorry for those people who choose to make fun of a life that they decided to choose themselves. I feel bad that they’re choosing such a life that could have been way better for them. Because I would take full advantage of that in a heartbeat.

[aliilafferty]

[aliilafferty]

Marcel Proust, from The Complete Works; “Remembrance of Things Past,”

[aliilafferty]

I saw a big shooting star the other night. One of the biggest I’ve ever seen. no one else paying attention or noticing made it, and me feel even more special that only i saw it, i think. It gave me hope. It reminded me of all the magical and imaginative things I use to be so passionate about. It made me  feel at home… at peace in some way.

[aliilafferty]

You promised

You promised to love me forever

And then you left

You left like we were nothing

Like I was nothing

You left without an explanation or even an excuse

Now I will never trust anyone like that ever again

No matter hard they try or how they try to convince me

I will never be able to trust or be able to love like that again

Thats how much you broke me

I hate that I still miss you and always will

I hate the power you hold over me without you even knowing it

[aliilafferty]

[aliilafferty]

I’m trying to get back into reading and writing again. I forgot how much it helps with coping, dealing with stress, and when I can’t turn off my brain. I had the longest writers block with not wanting to deal with my own thoughts and emotions. I’ve decided to do it even rough draft in my notes any thoughts I may have. Even if I feel like its not worthy enough to post. That’s a start to journal entry everyday or just write in general, also to motivate me to read other pieces or books.

[aliilafferty]

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

Josephine Hart

[aliilafferty]

[aliilafferty]

I’ve been loosing myself lately….

[aliilafferty]

I refuse to date anyone, I refuse to let anyone get that close to me. To know me like that ever. To know the way my mind works. Know my entire body. Know how to read my face expressions. Know my past. Things I've done. Things I want to do. Know my secrets. Or make new secrets together. I refuse to let anyone in like that again. I want to be more mysterious with myself. I hate how I can be such an open book at times.

[aliilafferty]

What is something that you can confess

That I don't think I could ever be confident in my own body. I’ve had an ED since I gained consciousness. Now I eat whatever I want but my relationship with food is always a constant battle. Having this disorder makes you physically and mentally ill. Someone who doesn’t have It wont understand. That fact of being in love with food and being over obsessively thinking about it but never getting yourself to actually want it. It effects the way you see your body. A couple sick days from a person with an immune disease almost makes you feel proud of yourself for not eating. That rumbling sound in your stomach gives yourself a pat on the back. Loving the first look of the way you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. Watching food tiktoks even though you have such a hateful relationship with food. You notice some people notice you haven't been eating and then offer. Someone who doesnt have this disorder doesn’t know questioning weight or offering food can make you disgusted in yourself or make you wanna cry. Even though they might have good intentions they will never be good in your own mind. Someone who does have it will think your crazy even though doing things sometimes is totally normal to you. Like thinking to yourself did I eat today? What did I eat today? How much salt or sugar did I consume today? How many snacks? “If I eat shitty tonight I can eat healthier tomorrow” “I ate to many carbs I’ll eat only 2 meals today” “everyone around might think I’m a pig for getting a second plate” “some meats have bugs or might be spoiled or raw? Having this disorder is bb not only thinking about your wait. This is a mental illness that can take over your life at times. There were times when I would never eat in front off ppl my snacks were fruit or soup. Times where I had track, and an it together tag game in the same day when the burn in my body felt so good. Where multiple days of not eating the rumble goes away then theres this empty numbness in your belly. Then watching food videos to make your feel that hungriness. Where I couldn’t get my self to go out of the house because of how I looked. Days when I would cry and eat or binge snacks by myself and hiding it. When a normal person wouldn’t even think or question it. It will always be a life long journey the way my mind works but I can say I don't count calories or run twice a day anymore. Make sure to eat at least 3 meals a day. I remind myself its okay to have a second plate or not be able to finish my first. I never step on a scale unless its at the doctors. I eat whatever and whenever I want. I try not to look at the ingredients list or look at my food to long. I eat to enjoy or celebrate. Also if i feel that feeling in my tummy thats telling me to listen and take of my body. Reminding myself that its not a good feeling.