allmythoughts2

[allmythoughts2]

Loud

 My thoughts are so loud. They’ve been nonstop all day. I want to eat more, I shouldn’t eat more, I’m a failed anorexic, I don’t really haven an ed, why are we doing this, why can’t we stop?

I’m binging right now. I really am. I want to eat everything in sight I’m so scared and anxious. I’m hurting right now. So so badly. My heart feels like it’s thundering my head wont stop shouting. 

Italics = “binge” me 

CAPS = ED

BOLD CAPS = regular me

EAT EAT EAT, goes to eat, EAT MORE

DON’T YOU DARE EAT MORE WE’VE HAD ENOUGH TODAY FAT PIG DON’T EAT MORE

PLEASE PLEASE EAT MORE I WANT TO EAT SO BADLY

WE’VE DONE SO GOOD TODAY DON’T FUCK IT UP! NO STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU EATING

THANK YOU I WANTED FOOD

WE WERE AT 700 CALORIES AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO REACH 1,000 THAT’S THE NEW FORBIDDEN NUMBER PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP EATING

....

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT. THANKS TO WHAT YOU JUST DID THE SCALE IS GOING TO BE AT THE SAME GOD DAMN NUMBER THAT IT’S BEEN AT FOR A WEEK NOW. THIS IS THE SAME FEELING AS GAINING WEIGHT, NOT LOSING ANY AT ALL

You’ve fucked up

IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR TELLING ME TO EAT. DID IT SOLVE ANYTHING? NO!!!! SO WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO EAT HUH?? YOU’VE JUST CREATED MORE PROBLEMS FOR US BECAUSE I ATE. FUCK YOU

4-9-19 9:05 pm

[allmythoughts2]

Angry and jealous

I’m so fucking angry. I’ve been watching anorexia stories pretty much some of my morning and I just clicked on this one, and the GIRL IS 14 YEARS OLD and she’s sharing her anorexia story.

The last one I watched the girl was fucking 16, she spent 2 years in the hospital and like, I’m fucking jealous. I said it. I’m jealous. Here I am almost 18 and still at my start weight pretty much from years ago. I haven’t had to lie to my family about eating, I haven’t been hospitalized, I haven’t been forced recovery, wasn’t forced to get a therapist and recover.

I’ve been dealing with these thoughts since I was 13 or 14 and I’ve gotten nowhere. I’m not scared to eat certain foods, I don’t cry over 500 calories, I’m not harsh on myself, I’m just a fat fucking failure of an anorexic. I swear to god I’m never going to get to my goal weight. Ever. I keep eating and binging. I fucking hate myself so god damn much.

That’s the only sign of a potential ED, the fact that I fucking hate my body and hate myself with SUCH a passion. I want to lose this weight so I look the part, because I don’t look it right now, so I don’t feel like it. 

I wish to god I could finally fall down the rabbit hole already. I keep waiting and waiting and nothing has happened. I haven’t flipped that final switch because I can’t find it. It’s hiding from me like the bastard it is and it’s just going to torment me instead like the asshole it is. It wont EVER let me see the weight and gets off on the fact that I’m suffering because I’m not being good.

I’m eating 1,000 or more calories some days. I’ve been good all but 2 days this month but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m still being called fat and ugly and a failure because my weight has been stuck at 77 lbs for a week now. I seriously don’t think a limit of 1,000 is enough anymore. I’ve yoyoed too much at this point to where my body holds onto whatever it can get. That means I’m going to have to cut down to 800 a day. That’s my new goal. If I reach 1,000 calories, I’ve gone too far. 900 is okay and 800 is where it’s at.

Please, please, please let me have found my fucking trigger. I’m not sick enough yet. I’ll do anything at this point to get there, just please let me be there.

4/9/19 - 1:50 pm

[allmythoughts2]

Things no one talks about when it comes to ED’s:

- You’re always tired. I’m not even exaggerating, every day by like 9 or 10pm I’m already dying. I wasn’t a nap person, but now some days I just can’t go through the day without one. Getting out of bed is difficult and moving around is exhausting. 

- On that note, all of those posts saying “can’t wait to be thin so that I’m not always out of breath when I climb up a flight of stairs” are utter bullshit. If anything, you’ll be struggling to catch your breath even more than before.

- Chest pains. I’ve always thought the other people in this community were exaggerating and that it would never happen to me, but it’s true. Sometimes your heart seems like it’s about to jump out of your chest and you’re not even doing anything. 

- Your skin gets dull, your nails get brittle and your hair falls off. I think a lot of people know about this one, but it’s still worth mentioning. It is real and it fucking sucks. It doesn’t matter how much conditioner you put or how much lotion you apply, the only solution to this is eating more.

- If you purge (as in, throwing up, I know there are other ways of purging), your teeth WILL rot and your mouth WILL be ruined eventually. I’ve never purged, but I know of people who have and their entire mouth and throat area are horrible now. Especially if you sing, purging will destroy your vocal cords and you’ll lose your beautiful voice.

- It’s never enough. No matter how much you restrict, how much you lose, how much you work out, it’ll never be enough. This is why this illness kills, people. You’ll just keep lowering your GW and eventually you’ll be a walking skeleton, and trust me, that’s not a beautiful sight, like many people believe.

- You lie. So much. You get so used to lying that you automatically say stuff like “I’m not hungry” or “I’ve eaten already”. You lie to everyone, compulsively.

- You’re lonely. You cancel plans because they involve food, or because you need to exercise. Eventually, your friends will just think you’re not interested and stop asking. It’s heartbreaking.

- Your life is a constant math problem. “If I eat x amount of calories now, and exercise for y minutes later, how many calories are still in my budget? Should I really have that 50 calorie apple if I know I won’t have the time to burn it off later?”. You can’t stop thinking about all the food you’ve eaten, all the exercise you need to do later, calories, calories, calories. You’re obsessed.

I wanted to make this post to remind people that this illness is not pretty. It’s not desirable, it’s not a fast way of losing a few extra pounds. It kills. I didn’t even list all of the bad things that come with this illness, because there’s just so many. Literally, everything about ED’s is bad.

So, please, if you can, seek recovery. If you’re new in this community, delete your account, stay away from this hellhole and don’t look back. Trust me, your life is so much better when you don’t have this stupid illness holding you back. 

[allmythoughts2]

*sees the number on the scale go down*

Me, without fail: nice! time to binge!

[allmythoughts2]

Me: *in the middle of a mental breakdown*

Also me: yeah everything is gucci I am just overeacting stupid me. Its not like I have anything I am just isolating myself from everyone probably cause I want attention haha. I am such an attention whore

My last braincell:

[allmythoughts2]

hey! rb if you’re around 5’0”

i’m 4’11, looking for more shorties to follow!! 🤧💗💗

[allmythoughts2]

[allmythoughts2]

Me: should I eat? I’m really hungry…

Me: maybe… Maybe just on bite *gives one bite* maybe another one!

Me: ok, let’s eat the whole thing

My ED:

[allmythoughts2]

logical anorexic after binging: okay, let’s fast for the rest of the day and burn off the calories

me: guess my only option is to EAT EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE AND THEN CRY

[allmythoughts2]

“I’m never eating again”

*4 hours later*

[allmythoughts2]

ED culture is getting heart palpitations and quickly making a quesadilla and telling your heart, “haha just kidding! look! I love you!”.

[allmythoughts2]

I had a weird moment the other day where I started internally yelling at myself shit like, “THINK OF HOW MAD FUTURE YOU WILL BE. THINK HARD. IS THIS WHAT UR SKINNY BEST SELF WOULD WANT FOR YOU?” Then proceeded to laugh and stuff my face like, “lol no, but she’s a fucking BITCH and I do what I WANT” Then I cried

[allmythoughts2]

February Rules

Foods I Can/Can’t Eat

No Cheese

No Chocolate

NO food from work

Chicken is okay now

Still no milk

2 Smoothies a week

Try to eat more green beans and bananas

No Sprite/Soda

Calorie Goals

1,199 calories or less

TDEE must hit 1,250 every day

Net of -200 or more a day

Other Goals:

I want to be down to 76 and maintaining by the end of the month

I want to fast a lot more than I did in January

That being said ACTUALLY TRACK THEM. Even if you’re not planning on fasting, always start one when you finish eating for the day, it might be an unexpected fast, who knows

Misc:

No food before 10 am

I’m allowed 4 days of 1,200 or more. That’s one binge day a week.

If I really want to binge, I should write what I want to eat down and promise myself that I’ll eat it on my binge day

For the above, once it’s written down, say out loud, just a few more days and I’ll eat it. I promise.

Binge days, I am allowed the forbidden foods, so cheese and chocolate and then Sprite too

1/31/19

[allmythoughts2]

New Rules (1/24/19)

Well I dropped out of regular college, moved back home. Obviously most of my goals are out the window now, as I sit around all day and have no way to a free gym. These will be modified at least once more when I start working (sometime this month) and when I start school (March)

Exercise/Sleep:

Pace anytime I can at moms, at least 15-30 minutes a day

2,000 steps a day no matter what

If I have to, pace to get there

Laying down by 1 am every day

7 hours of sleep minimum

Calories:

1,000 a day or less

Net of -200 or more

TDEE has to be 1,200 or more

Food Rules:

No Poptarts

No soda

No more solid milk

Try to cut down on cheese

Vegetarian every other month

Eat more fruits and veggies

Eating Rules:

No food before 12 pm

No food after 9 pm

16 hours of fasting

Start to track Grams of Fat

Goals:

To be 77 by the end of Jan

To be 70 by December

To Track using My Fitness Pal

Use my physical journal again

[allmythoughts2]

Rules For 2019:

This year has got to be good. I gained a lot of weight at the end of 2018 and I was supposed to have reached my UGW by December. I have a plan though.

Exercise/Sleep:

Go to the gym at least once a week (Tuesdays), when you don’t have work

The gym day can be replaced by an hour of non-stop pacing

6,000 steps a day, no matter what

If you don’t do anything all day, at least pace to reach step goal

Laying down to sleep by 2 am every single day

At least 7 hours a sleep a day

Calories:

No more than 1,000 a day

For every 100 calories I go over, that’s 30 minutes of pacing

If I’m over 200 cal or more at end of day, add 1 hour of pacing to next day

The weeks total must be 7,000 or less

On Saturday night if the total is over 7,000, 1/2 hr per every 100 over

Always have to have a net of at least -300

If a good week, I am allowed ONE 1,200 day if it fits in to the total

Track them using My Fitness Pal

Food:

No any type of soda

NO MORE POPTARTS. EVER

NO MORE SOLID MILK, this means glasses of milk or anything used to make milk like hot coca, instant breakfast, etc

Keep cheese in  moderation, try to cut down

Try to cut down on the amount of meat (explain later)

Eat more fruits and veggies

Goals:

To be vegetarian every other month, January starts with being vegetarian

To hit 76 lbs by the end of January

To hit 70 lbs by December

To be more organized

Organization:

Track calories in My Fitness Pal

Keep thoughts and feelings in A College Boy’s ED Adventure on Pancakes

Track rules and stuff in a physical journal

(Modified 1/5/19)

[allmythoughts2]

Rules For Week 1 Of 2019

I have rules for the rest of the year, but that’s more focused on when I’m at school and work. I don’t go back until January 7th so I’m going to need goals that I can easily hit while still at home, since I know I wont be hitting no 6,000 steps a day, especially if I’m at my boyfriends.

Exercise/Sleep:

At least 2,000 steps a day, no matter what

Pace to get there if you have to

Laying down before 2 am while at BFs and 12 am anywhere else

At least 7 hours

The rules for the calories stay the same

No more than 1,000 a day

7,000 should be the weeks end total

1 hour of pacing for every 100 cal over

Same for the end of the week

Net of at least -200

Track in journal and MFP

The rest of the things on my OG list is more of a broad thing. These are the things I’m going to try to accomplish at the end of the day.

Explanations:

I’ve noticed that when home, I usually only hit around 1,200 steps a day or so, so 2,000 would force me to get up more and move.

2 am is that way because while at the BFs we sometimes don’t go to sleep till really late/early in the morning.

When the week is over on January 7th if my weeks total is over 7,000, I have to pace for 30 minutes for every 100 that I’m over.

That’s about it though. I’m have a layout for my journal. I also got sticker to make it cuter. Here’s to hoping I stick to this. I think since I have a battle plan I’m going to succeed this year.

January 1st, 2019

[allmythoughts2]

a gentle reminder that you did well this year. you met new people, learned new things and felt new feelings. you did so many things that made you scared. you picked yourself up off the floor after feeling completely defeated or heartbroken. there were some really tough nights but you survived them all. you made people happy just by existing. you accepted many goodbyes but the serendipitous meetings made up for them. it was your own hard work that paid off but you always downplay it or compare yourself to others. that’s not fair on yourself. you’ve come so far from the first day of this year. you have more wisdom and strength now. yes, other people seem more “successful” but does that even matter? please don’t think so lowly of yourself to only think about your failures. 2018 was your year of growth. I hope you take a moment to be kind to yourself, and believe that 2019 will be even better.