alter-dreams

[alter-dreams]

Near-Term Goal: 03/25/25

1) I will become a profitable day trader (70% win-rate & 25k short account)

2) I will become a profitable swing trader (60% win-rate & 30k Roth IRA)

3) I will learn One Summer’s Day on Piano completely by end of August

4) I will visit Taiwan

[alter-dreams]

Night Thoughts: 09/28/2024

So I’m 30… I made it. I’m not exactly content with the way things are: corporate slave, near meaningless relationships (romance and friends), no monies.

I failed. That’s really what it comes down to. I failed to make it on my own and have been struggling the last 12yrs.

So this is a checkpoint… i want to be financially independent. In order to do that, i unfortunately will have to move back with people or go back to Tennessee… it’s a step backwards, but it’s not sustainable.

What’s my checklist? What’s going to make me have a happier life?

1) dog/cat

2) own place

3) upgrade my damn car

4) travel

5) monies…

At the root of it, it’s money… what a time to be alive. I’m living the dream

[alter-dreams]

Dream log: 07/10/2024

It took place in McGavock High School. (S) were in my geography teacher’s classroom with the school almost empty.

We both got naked to go have sex in the restroom, and I knew it was a bad idea. (S) stated it aloud in the hallway for it to echo.. and Mr. Powell said “no you’re not” heading towards our direction. We tried to stay quiet and juke him, but this dumb bitches feet were slapping the ground.

We end up going into the girl’s locker room. Terrified, we made out for a bit. I wanted to penetrate her; we were going to get in trouble anyways… but alas I went ahead and said I’ll take the blame. (S) nodded and agreed…

Her timer went off as the punishment committee enters and catches us embarrassed, blushing. (S) walks out with no one stopping her??? Hello? I proceed to just own up to the idea, and she needs to tend to her grandma. The committee goes along with it and says they have to write up the paperwork… Ms.Jordan proceeds to right a remedy of strawberry tea as my ailment treatment.

Recipe:

- Peel the strawberry

- add tea leaves, mint, jalepeño, chili

- lime juice

Surprisingly enough that was the consequence. Suddenly the locker room became the teacher’s lounge with all the ingredients laid out. I cut a hole the in strawberry stuff it with mint, peppers ,and chili bits. Poured some tea concentrate into it. Then a drizzle of lime juice. I use the lime peel to squeeze everything like a taco and compress the juice out. MMMPH, supposedly good stuff.

Krystal from Ted walks in, and I proceed to “what had happen was..”

But I wake up.

[alter-dreams]

Dream log: 06/26/2024

Setting was a blend of CSULB and Vanderbilt, it was Autumn.. so everyone was dressed in nice warm yet stylish clothing.

I was walking with a group, taking friends, an SO (I’ve never met), her mother, her family, and friends out to explore and have fun.

It was one of those feelings where time wasn’t a feeling of constraint. I was checking on each group that formed to see if everyone is okay. SO seemed a little off but didn’t mention it. Her mother and I made some small talk, implying we got along.

One group of friends mentioned we should watch a movie. And everyone liked that idea.

There was a movie title that had 3 different movies playing, unrelated to each other… it had double letters in them. Something like aatracix, aatrxic: blah blah, aatracix the animation — some live action, C tier film (those so bad that it’s entertaining films), the anime; all completely different stories.

Scene changed to the movie theatre.

We were at the Grand Ole Oprymills mall in TN, walking to buy our movie ticket.

My ex was there, joining my friends, and made an inside comment “2 months” and looked at me, in the dream it meant we had a sexual relationship for 2 months or something like that — I forgot the deeper meaning there.

I bought the ticket for SO, her mother, and myself.

I went to get seated, they they went to use the restroom. They were taking a while, so I went to check on them, crossing paths with the mother.

The scene changed again, and I was comforting my SO on the floor on my room in TN. She wasn’t feeling okay and wanted alone time. I was back the theatre upset that she didn’t communicate with me sooner, which led me to the wrong movie (the live action one) in room 3

They were handing out this isosceles triangle cheesy potato stick and bread as snacks. And I left during the intro, realizing it was the wrong movie.

Joined my friends in the anime, room 5. And noticed the SO’s side bought the C tier one, since I didn’t see them in the live action one. I had a seat with college acquaintances, more-so my ex’s friends. Mine were on the other side… and a bit of me was feeling quite sad as my emotions went from having a enjoyable care-free day to upset there was no communication to now “maybe she isn’t even real” and surely enough, I woke up and it wasn’t

[alter-dreams]

Dream log: 06/24/2024

It was at CSULB I was heading down to the science hall to study. And Tiff was trying to keep up with a rolling cart that her friend was handling. But her friend couldn’t stop.

So I was like “you need some help” and she did your thing where you decline help, but I put my notepad and book down on the pavement. Then sprinted (I was fast as fuck boiiiii lol)

I grabbed the cart and stopped it while her friend/acq was holding onto it with roller skates on…

Tiff caught and both thanked me. We walked the met up with a food truck that grandma set up already. And the cart was an extension with extra stuff.

Johnny and his friends were already there as customers ‘cause they had DIY cotton candy.

Tiff was giving people she knew and liked 1 free item. And I gave Johnny my free pass.

Had other dreams too. I was in an aquarium/airport/cocktail lounge.

… Prologue…

Made some laps around the aquarium ‘cause my family was slow. Decided to buy a lime cocktail and the bartender was also an airport concierge. She charged me $10 extra bucks with the cocktail ‘cause I was late to my flight to Singapore. Take off time was 7:09pm, it was 7:00pm.

They escorted me VIP through the hybrid airport and I was chillin, heading to the UK, Belgium, etc. (we were going the long way — EU to Asia). I messaged when my family was boarding the flight and they had like 4hrs to go.

Fast forward I was in a lounge somewhere, watching a broadcast. A child got kidnapped and was held hostage at that hybrid airport. I recognized one of the kidnappers and knew their affiliates.

Went to pee and I took a long piss at the larger stall at the end of a public restroom. One of the affiliates was trying to get into my stall, but went to the one next to me. The walls were low, so you could peep over. I peeing sideways like a dog… he peeped over with his female companion on his lap (guess they were about to do it?) and tried to flip my penis messing up my stream.

I was like “how dare you try to touch me” in my head and pointed my pee stream at him.

He freaked out and went to check with someone if he could commit a crime.

[alter-dreams]

Dream Log: 04/03/2024

I was on a cruise, not exactly sure where it was coming from or going to, but it hardly seemed like one. The interior seemed like a bougie hotel mixed with dorm rooms. The cruise staff hosted evening events to get everyone to socialize from Magic the Gathering free-for-alls to beer pong, but everyone seemed like they were on cocaine.

A staff member announced a grand prize (I forgot what it was, but it was good) for anyone who could pop a SpongeBob blowup doll, but in the most unconventional way… people had to get their nipple shocked (how it pops SpongeBob is beyond me). That’s when another staff made a shout out to the princess. Apparently there was a princess on board (princess of an arbitrary small country but an important figure). A collage of all the activities rushed through my vision before I saw this princess. That’s when a rush of panic occurred.

Everyone was getting slaughtered. Assassins were after this royal family. I made it back to the house in TN, when I saw the incident being broadcasted on the news. When I saw the TV, my perspective changed to the princess.

She, now me, was stuck in her cabin playing dead. That’s when the cellphone rang. Her parents were trying to reach her. An assassin heard the phone vibrate and came to make sure the princess was dead. Princess’s mind was annoyingly irrational trying to silence the phone. My mind took over and spewed nonsense, so the assassin was confused. Apparently, this one was the princess’s best friend at the time. I was crying ‘cause I had this girls body and shared it… eventually I snapped the assassin’s neck and went to find the parents of this body.

I ended up in one of those round lecture rooms that usually shows autopsies. And my perspective changed back to me and my body… the professor wanted us to rate how we felt a movie was like in each scene by using a list of famous people in sequential order…One was the princess.

My ass didn’t do the assignment ‘cause I didn’t understand how you give a person a scene. It was almost like a Gen Z/Gen A type of assignment where they say “it’s giving…” and you have to know each person’s personality and compare it to the scene.

I woke up saying from saying I’ll just fail this assignment (and part of me saying that’s unacceptable) and trying to process what just happened.

[alter-dreams]

Dream Log: 03/22/2024

It took place in my room upstairs. Instead of living where I currently do, it was a strange multiplex structure resembling the family restaurant, Spain/Korea, and a bougie Fountain Valley house. For whatever reason, there were two different doors on my floor. An entry/exit from outside to the other connected multiplexes and down the hall pass was the door for the stairs.

I shared the place with Crespo, so family & friends were always visiting downstairs.

I was hanging out with (E), dickin’ around and watching something on an older blocky TV. That’s when Tim walked in… at this point, I’ve had my peace and no qualms with this garbage tier human, proceeding to question why he’s here. Apparently he was Crespo’s Smash buddy, and this completely made sense to me.

He asked if I wanted to play. For old time’s sake I entertained him with a game, and per usual he had his shitty gamer attitude. Taunting and copying the same characters. I could feel his ego inflating and his superiority complex getting fed… My tunnel-vision kicked in as my muscle memory for the game wasn’t coming back. Unknowingly Tim gave Ketamine in pill form to both (E) and me while we were both distracted. We both took it thinking it was a mint. Our minds were beginning to wander, going in and out of consciousness. I immediately knew Tim was up to no good, making conversation with (E). People were using my room’s entryway to go in and out the house for whatever reason. But I couldn’t snap myself out of the tunnel-vision and wandering mind to stop all of it.

We finally snapped out of it for a quick moment as (E) decided to go home, and I got up to walk her. I feel this guy’s insecurity emitting from him, walking outside.

As we headed to the car, my mind wanders in and out again. I’m back to reality but she disappeared. I panic and see her across the street over a fence, booking it and pulling the most ungraceful parkour maneuver to catch up.

Finally reaching (E)’s car in a one of those shaggy liquor store parking lots with rocks everywhere, we get into her gold/beige Camry V6 but the driver’s seat is on the right side…

She begins to take me home, but now a road into a forest where it begins to get darker. Both our consciences are fading. SHE begins to fade. I asked “what did y’all take about..?”.

“We talked about how it is, moving to Irvine”

We approach a cliff AND everything clicks as I begin to wake up.

Crespo is in TN and has no ties to Tim. WHY THE FUCK were people doing through my room with their SHOES on. I don’t even live with people. Why did i let this dude back into my life. Where is (E), why is she disappearing, that’s not her car, why are we on the wrong side of the road. We were drugggggggeed. What would’ve happened if I moved to Irvine?

Interpretation…

- recent events with encountering but not engaging with Tim and MLE saying she TOO saw him in Irvine.

- seeing (E) more lately the last few weeks and our conversations: blocky tv, Camry, her going MIA

- thoughts of visiting Korea and Spain

- conversation about ketamine

- Crespo might be a mix of Smash and MLE’s ex’s name

[alter-dreams]

Dream log: 01/18/2024

We were back home in TN, getting snugged and ready to start a movie. I was nibbling on (T)’s breasts… She got upset at me for biting near her breast aug scars. I felt quite guilty, so I make her some snacks and get a blanket for us. We start to cuddle. I’m extra cautious about hurting her yet she says it’s okay to get close. Somehow it led to a series of flash forwards.

I see her in a wedding dress and up in a semi-familiar house. With a round arched entryway in the kitchen. It’s board game and social day at the house — we’re hosting.

I wake up to my alarm… take it with a grain of salt. How PG-13/R rated content leads to marriage and game night, I don’t know. It was just a dream after all..

[alter-dreams]

Deja Vu: 12/14/2023

Laying in bed, snugged, preparing to fall asleep. Doing Japanese practice, when it dawns on me… Thinking about (E) while Japanese is registering in my brain feels like it happens before…

Did it?

[alter-dreams]

Fireflies: 11/23/2023

She gave me butterflies...

I was numb for so long...

A glimmer of hope...

No...

She gave me fireflies...

Occasional visits toward the evening,

A catch towards the end of summer,

She was welcoming, mesmerizing,

Dimly lit and waving her floral scent.

Moments with her, surreal yet pure bliss,

Bringing back memories of the past,

Enjoying the present, but seeing no future.

And like that, summer ended.

The luminescent flutter faded.

[alter-dreams]

Late Night Thoughts: 11/12/2023

I need to list out her flaws to move on… i don’t want to tarnish my thoughts of her and want to cherish our memories, but it’s for me, all of me to get on board.

She’s a mentally disturbed individual who prioritizes others, their affairs and opinions over herself, leading her to be physically unhealthy (internally and externally).. Not used to rejection, so she masks her insecurity and loneliness by filling her calendar and disregarding her social energy. She fills her void by seeking attention from others and afflicting her toxic behaviors onto the victims, leaving them feeling confused, unworthy, and addicted.

She:

1) Used me

2) Did not see a future with me

3) Was ashamed of exposing me to her close ones

4) Pitied me…

5) Chose someone else

7) Dropped communication

8) Had poor physical and mental health

9) Had unrealistic standards

10) Demonstrated toxic behaviours

Move on Albert and the rest..

[alter-dreams]

Late Night Thoughts: 11/06/2023

Scorpios.. I’m not the type to believe in horoscopes, but it’s 3 for 3. The season has finally concluded in the most roller coaster of emotions type of way…

I dare say, my suspicions were correct. Red flags correct too.

What even was today?.. a combination of shit that happened the last few months. We continued to flirt even though platonic boundaries were set. She tested me and I showed up. Continued flirting in person, took her to warm her up, then I saw fear in her eyes… Her trauma triggered. I wanted to protect her more than anything. I shared my vulnerability with her, which led to her being in the mood again??? We fucked, no… she fucked. Then all the pieces of the puzzle began to line up…

Don’t fucking pity me ‘cause you care about other people’s feelings. That’s the worst thing you can ever do. I really had to ask all the right questions to find out I was stabbed in the back.

As plain as it is, I wasn’t enough. Okay, fine. This time around, straighten your fucking back, Albert. Be more welcoming … Those are my improvements to make.

It’s not just me. Here are the truly dumb reasons why it didn’t work:

- gut feeling

- friends will judge/not get along

- met authentically in person

Obviously from deduction, since we can’t be straightforward with each other..

How does this make me feel? I’m angry. I’m angry that these are such stupid reasons. But I will admit my flaws (even with some work put in) are still apparent; I can be grateful of that at least.

Absolutely. Frustrating. I feel my head fuming

[alter-dreams]

Late Night Thoughts: 10/29/2023

Well, we’re back here… 2 of 3 tasks complete. Got that projector and (E)… Date #3 never happened; she didn’t “feel that romantic spark”. Platonic friends doesn’t sound awful, but I’ll need some time.

Going through that downward spiral again “what did I do wrong”, “what’s wrong with me”, “I’m not enough”… what is it though really? Not everyone’s going to feel the same way, maybe I was too early. Two months to address the situation… my learning lesson here is to never address it anymore until they address it the “situation”.

I wanted to experiment and do such nasty, lewd activities with her. Ugh.. but I already knew her daily habits were terrible. Our long term goals differed. And I had the hunch that I didn’t want to believe, but she was — no, still is — in her healing phase no doubt…

I don’t want to think of her negatively. She gave me some hope of making out of the sinkhole that we call dating apps — Fireflies per se, not butterflies; a slight glimmer of hope, memories to cherish, dimly lit, but not forever-lasting. It’s almost that time of year again, so I should say “thank you, (E)”.

And back to the last task(s), I don’t know where to live… I’ve accepted the price will be insanely stupid high, but where do I go? What area? No where feels like home. I know I don’t want to be in the city nor the ghettos… Decent area with decent roads and food. Doko?

Therapy.. Let’s do it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Tasks for next time (reminder to not pile things to do):

1) Move out

2) Sign up for therapy

3) Finish Japan videos

4) Resume Merry Go Round Of Life

5) Resume Nihongo

[alter-dreams]

Late Night Thoughts: 09/27/2023

Here we are again… I turned 29. Last year of 20s..

What do I want to achieve during this last year here? Well, let’s list 3 to make it simple: 1) Move out and live alone, 2) solidify where I stand with (E), 3) buy a projector.

This is my first year spending my birthday doing something I’ve always wanted, and that’s cuddle and spend time with someone I truly care for… 29 years is all it took.

I’ve never been so satisfied yet so disappointed, but I asked for it.

Those questions from before still remain. My anxiety and insecurities are overflowing my mind. Therapy…

Abandonment issues, fear of being replaced… will this consume me? Let’s just add therapy to the list and stick to the plan… we’ll wait to see after date 3… whenever that happens I suppose

Eyes are getting heavy luckily, so these thoughts will be transcribed another time.

[alter-dreams]

Late Night Thoughts: 08/20/2023

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I suppose we’re slowly building our way back up.

However quite a bit of thoughts race in my head:

Did I trauma dump? Was I too touchy? Did the date suck? Wait, she’s good for another date?! What’s the next date? What’s the right pace with her? Her traditional parents, what do?! Should I start therapy now? Boot camp? PMP? How do I buy a $2mil house? Start canto class?

Hnggg 🤯

Okay, I’m feeling some type of way. Why? I haven’t felt an intimate connection for a very long time, but it feels right with E. Skepticism blurs my rational thoughts because I’m afraid that I’ll be another body count, another dumpee, another moment left behind…

What I need to do is transpose this intimate feeling into romantic dates. To overcome my skepticism… I need be attentive, put in the effort, cherish our moments, and more importantly communicate even for hard topics. Therapy might help too — It doesn’t hurt to try it once.

The rest.. what am I capable of? Literally anything I have interest in and deems itself worth it. Okay, so what’s worth the time+effort but also interesting to me… data, design, editing.

Editing 🤔

Editing? Hmm

Let’s look into it.

[alter-dreams]

Dream Log 05/26/2023:

For whatever reasons, I was invited to hang out with streamers. It started out as innocent and playful a friendship could be. Rachel was giving me the most attention, being the tour guide of the house, introducing me to other streamers in this humbly-sized home.

We joked around walking through the corridor, until we got to her room. She said I’ll be staying in her room for my visit, which has lots of bunk beds for whatever reason. Then moved onto the next room to meet other famous streamer and a former famous one.

The two left us in the room with this aura that implied “we get it you like each other; we’ll get out your way”. So Rachel said to try this housemate’s bed, which was stupidly comfortable. She started to give me a massage as we continued to laugh until I took it too far.

I stood up and gave her a deep meaningful hug, explaining that I didn’t mean it. It led to her look deep in my eyes to see if I was lying. The sunlight beaming towards us through the windows as we gazed at each other, set this mood. I acted on it, tilting Rachel’s face up, and slowly leaning in for a first kiss. Right before making lip to lip contact, I hear “spicy girl, spicy girl, spicy girl!”, but make contact anyways.

We stood there in awe. I’m registering what she meant by “spicy girl” and assessing her reaction to understand the meaning of “spicy girl”. She’s silent, shocked, flustered, blushing. I’m conflicted; was she nervous? Was it her safe word? Did she mean she felt hot?

We both storm out the room, splitting different ways. Eventually, confronting each other later. There was a scavenger hunt later. One-sided, I apologized “I didn’t mean to fluster you. The mood seemed right, but I may have interpreted it wrong. I deeply am sorry if you don’t feel that way, and if that’s the case, let’s continue being friends. I’ll do my best to win the scavenger hunt to prove what I mean”.

The scavenger hunt involved traveling to 5-6 locations set up in SoCal: Santa Monica, Irvine, etc. — Quite a drive, right? I was with Rachel and her sister as my partners, but for whatever reason after the montage of us getting clues, my partners become (K) and her sister.

They’re both tired and I offer a piggyback to get to the car. (K) hesitates as her sister eagerly accepts. (K) smiles noticing I get along with her family. Am they transform back to Rachel as we bump into other streamers who’re far from complete in this hunt. However, the streams gradually catch up to our 98/100 from 50/100 as we spent too much time on these last two.

We finally get a clue for the last 2, which were in this tropical bar, #99 stuck under the bar counter, while #100 requiring us to order a cocktail. Rachel and I smile at each other as her sister pieces these 100 items; it forms a puzzle.

… then I wake as she reaches towards my arm and before the puzzle is complete…

[alter-dreams]

So let’s start with my default avatar.

Facial expression: charming, smirk

Body language: welcoming, straightened posture

Eye contact…anticipate and observe the interaction. Assess the moment