alwaysaliighthouse

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Astrophotography

The Gods stare down at us From their diamond thrones in the sky. I wonder if they're up there Pulling our strings like marionettes; Making us fall in love.

Do they grant me this muse - Silently - Like Calliope and Erato?

Or do they simply sit in silence And revel at the beauty they've created Between two people Staring back at them?

3/3/21

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Card Tricks

The King of Pentacles - the rich king,

Dances in my hand.

I'm allowing myself to tend to my kingdom,

You are my wealth.

Your love is worth more than it's weight in gold.

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Birds

We sail south for the winter,

To escape the frost setting in.

The Caribbean sea embraces us like her children,

White sands hug our toes.

Palm trees dance for us,

And the sailor's lullaby lulls us into sleep.

We awake from the warmth,

To be greeted by cold.

Wind whistles in the cove,

And the Caribbean in your eyes drowns me in love.

We sail into the sun,

To escape the ever-building frost;

If only in our dreams.

Two birds of a feather,

Flocking together;

My everlasting summer.

[alwaysaliighthouse]

A Love Letter to Myself

Please love all of your curves,

and all of your scars too.

The way you lisp on certain words,

and stumble over others.

Please love yourself,

the way others love you.

->

Please love your laugh,

and radiant smile.

The way your eyes squint when you're happy,

and shut when you're at peace.

Please love yourself,

the way others love you.

->

Please love your emotions,

and the intelligence they bring.

Love your depression,

and all of your anxiety.

Please love yourself,

the way others love you.

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Orion Setting behind Mt.Fuji February 2021 - Credit: Hisayoshi Kato

[alwaysaliighthouse]

A Bit of a Writing Dump

A little dump of the last couple of month’s of writing down my thoughts:

1/30/20 You are Sirius; Filling my bleak, dark skies with the light of a thousand suns.

You are Venus; Rising with the horizon, bursting with a new dawn.

You are Castor; Welcoming Geminids to brush past my Earth, offering me handfulls of wishes.

You are Polaris; Keeping me safe in rough waters, guiding me home to your arms.

You are Andromeda; A galaxy of stars, untouchably beautiful. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/1/20 - An ode to Bub You are rays of sunshine seeping through my blinds, Comfy, like early morning stretches, And sleepy yawns.

Raindrops on books, Quiet afternoons inside, Hiding away from the world.

The simplicity of life, Even in a bustling city, All wrapped up in a tiny bow.

You keep the calm, in the calamity, When the world is coming down.

You're the best decision, I've ever made; On a whim I decided to take you home, And love you.

And love you I do. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/6 There was a time I was so broken I could barely eat You watched as I crumbled, a human to ashes Atlas shrugged crushed by the weight of all his burdens. I crumbled slowly, and then faster as time went on When the calamity eased, I lost you amidst all my rubble.

Three months it took to allow myself to mourn the loss Five months it took to begin to rebuild my tragic empire Seven months it took to forget the way your honey brown eyes looked at me Nine months it took to embrace a life without you.

One day it took for you to dust my ashes off yourself And show up on my doorstep unannounced I embraced you like I never set you on fire to begin with Only to spark a new flame. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/29 There will always be days That you crash down on me like thunder. Days where I forget the rainbows after the rain, And instead drown in the overcast. I know that I'll be afraid that it will never end, The storm will turn to a hurricane; the hurricane a monsoon. Sometimes I feel like a child caught in the storm, Helpless and heavy with sadness.

------------------------------------------------------------------- 8/24 My brain wracks itself for memories that don't involve you. It seems as though lately I'm in a subconscious state of nostalgia. I wake from what I believe to be a restful sleep, only to be hit with vivd recollections of my dreams. The way your cologne smelled when I nestled my nose into the crook of your neck, Matt. The way you smiled at me the first time we met, Dylan. The gorgeous way your soft hands felt in mine, Jae. I have so many tears built up for my past loves. I rarely let them see the light of day; but sometimes, on days like these, where I dream so vividly, I can't seem stop the flood of the overcast. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 9/13/20 Today is September 13, 2020, and I'm single for the first time in my adult life. I have no idea where to go from here or what to think. There's part of me that feels liberated, and a second part that feels completely petrified.

Physically, it feels like a huge weight on my shoulders and heart. Mentally it's exhilarating - even if I feel like crying and I'm afraid of being alone.

What does one do with themselves when they just get to.... be? I've looked on forums desperately trying to figure out what I do with myself now. Most just tell you to "work on yourself," or "do all the things you've always wanted." I think I've been part of someone else for so long, I don't know what I want.

I'll probably spend the majority of my time working and busting my ass to get a higher promotion. I also want to start writing again. I miss it, and it's something I've always loved doing. Aside from that, I feel lost. Being in the middle of a pandemic, there's not much you can do aside from being alone.

My brain keeps telling me to be with a woman. While it's not a bad idea, I can't help but only go for men. Maybe that's because I don't know any LGBTQ+ women.

I'm still in love with Dylan. That's a fact, and it's something I'm going to struggle with for a long time. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. Even two years later he gives me butterflies. We plan to sleep together when we feel the need to, with no strings attached. I think having this to hold on to might help me through this time.

Collapse I'm petrified, I'm nervous, I'm so incredibly sad.

But I'm free.

This is the first day of my life.

------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/23/20 Water fills my mouth and I can breathe again. You have palm trees in your hair, and the carribean in your eyes. You taste like adventure You feel like a sunrise.

Your voice - like a siren song to my ears. I embrace your melody, allow it to wash over me. You're the moon and I am the tide; You sway me. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/22 I told you I want a sparkly love story, You told me that we could be sparkly. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 11/29 These days I'm too jaded to believe in love, I've lost myself so many times in others, That I've forgotten where I come from.

I'm a phoenix - Rising from the ashes of my heart, Again and again as I'm broken.

I'm the King of a desolate wasteland, With a rusted crown, And a throne that can't carry all the weight of his burdens.

And I'm a vagabond, Wandering into the broken hearts of others, Simply to repair them and take my leave.

I'm sorry that I don't love you, I don't think I'm capable any more. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/19/20 Maybe there is hope For a sad soul like mine. Wading through waters, Dancing on my tiptoes, Miles from the shoreline. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/3/21 I'm anxious and sad. I don't want to talk about it, or let others know what they may be able to do to make me feel better because it just makes me feel needy and hopeless. So I just do it on my own. And then I just feel lonely. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/5/21 I could have been an astronomer, Wading through the atmosphere of Jupiter. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/10/21 Yesterday I knew I loved you. For the first time I had the epiphany that my heart could burst from all the love I have for you; Curled up in the back of your Jeep in the garage, drifting off to sleep with your arms curled around my head and my face in the palm of your hand. I thought I wasn't capable any more - I felt so jaded. You've sparked so much happiness in me. I'm capable. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/21/21 There have been a handful of moments where I felt the undenying "I love you" feeling. Like when you leaned on me while we were rafted up with Glen and Kat on Saturday. When we were sailing out and you started singing the Game of Thrones theme song, I found myself almost saying it without thinking. You're so good for me. On the water is where it began, On a cloudy day, Trying to mend something that was broken.

[alwaysaliighthouse]

From the moment we started talking I knew that I wanted you around.

(via i-love-you-from-a-distance)

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Save your heart for someone who leaves you breathless.

(via i-love-you-from-a-distance)

[alwaysaliighthouse]

And I’ll take you in- no matter what your chaos brings.

Something in You, Dopamine, Third Eye Blind (via theguardianofwhisper)

[alwaysaliighthouse]

I’ve never been the princess type. I’ve never been locked in some far away castle, waiting for my Mario to come and save me. I’ve always been the Samus type. Strong willed, independent, capable of fighting for myself. But I realize that you don’t need to be a damsel in distress or a princess locked in a castle to have a savior - a protector. Even Samus had Adam Malkovich.

June 8, 2016. 5:44 am

[alwaysaliighthouse]

“I may be a mystery, but you were beyond belief.”      Exiles, Third Eye Blind

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Sitting at my computer desk, 10:43 pm. The room grows warmer and I begin to smell the scent of my grandfather. Like coffee and Marlboros. A comforting, warm chill embraces the left side of my body and sweeps into my face, and then slowly onto my right side. My eyes began to tear up. It’s been so long since I’ve felt you here. You gave me an embrace when you knew I needed it. I feel you both in everything. 

May 20, 2016.

[alwaysaliighthouse]

You make me want to better myself.

Yours is a Renaissance heart in a Victorian era, so full of beauty and art in a world of mechanical beings. 5/19/2016

[alwaysaliighthouse]

B. Photo by @danielodow

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Beautiful Quote #NewPost [5]

[alwaysaliighthouse]

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. I’m struggling with this, because my mind wanders back to places I haven’t been in a long time. Minds have the tendency to do that, right? When you’re in the midst of a fight all you can think about are the bad things about a person But when that person is gone for good, your mind wanders back to that one time they did something beautiful and your brain materializes all these little snippits of beauty that you haven’t thought of in ages. Seems like sometimes your mind is against you.

But then I come back to reality, in a whir of color and voices. I believe that everything will be alright. There will be a part of you in me, always. We learned and we grew together as lovers, but mostly as friends. It’s been a long time since I have been in love with you, but the friendship was always there. And I realize I am losing my best friend. Part of me is clawing at the walls, trying to reach out, but the bigger part of me is letting go; simply and easily. 

I know that there are better things out there for me. Better things in this life. There are sunrises and adventures and love. Actual, real love. Love in friendships, love in romance, love in another’s eyes. I have a group of people in my life at this moment that love me so much. They see things in me I didn’t know were there. They find love and light. Happiness and solace. They show me things about myself that you never cared to look for. 

I will sail these turbulent waters. I will tread these high tides. There is a lighthouse in the distance. I will reach that beacon of safety. 

5/8/2016