amalgamed

[amalgamed]

Suit Makes the Man

"So, seriously guys... I don't trust that guy."

"Shut up Mikey, just play the game. It's fun!"

"Come on, he's wearing a goddamned helmet."

"You know he can probably hear you, right?"

"Nein! Tis not twoo."

[amalgamed]

- No kidding? You learned to play cittern in college?  Wow! - Yeah, my parents gave it to me one Christmas. - Well I got something for you. - Oh, a letter.  Huh... why? - Just read it. Dear  "Claudio Monteverdi", Your cittern playing is really good. Seriously. Keep playing super loud at all times with the doors open. We really love those modern classics by Gabrielli, Lully, and Buxtehude. Definitely not overplayed at all and it is even better to hear them sung poorly at home. Keep it up. Seriously though, stop. It's terrible. The cittern is a douche instrument. Learn the hurdy gurdy and some Renaissance jams, cause that's when they could really rock. Then you can get back to us. Sincerely, Everybody Else Living Here -  Umm, wow, you could have just asked me to keep it down or something you know.  This is, uhh, kind of rude.  

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OOOUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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Little Girls and Strange Habits

Whenever Uncle Eddy comes over I have to go out to the field and pick as many flowers as possible. We are not related, but mother tells me I am to call him Uncle and I am to be a good daughter, so I will listen to her. She told me that I cannot tell papa why I pick so many flowers, too. But my papa always asks me, "My darling, why do you always bring home bushels of flowers three or more times a week? You used to do it but once a month, and I am afraid at your current pace there will be no more left to pick!" He laughs and mother smiles, but I do not know what to say. I am to be a good daughter. I do not understand them. One day I will say, "Papa, I pick so many flowers because Uncle Eddy comes over and I go to the field and they wrestle in the bedroom." And he will laugh again after realizing it is such a silly reason. And mother won't be mad if papa laughs. Next time. Next time.

[amalgamed]

The Long Descent into Spinsterdom

It just you and me Mr. Purrfect. For now and forever. I don't need another man in my life. Definitely not that Antonio. He doesn't understand what we have. I cant believe he said I care more about you than anything else. Now drink you milk so you can stay strong and handsome.

[amalgamed]

Promenaders on a Big Day Out

"Shrooms, mali.  Shrooms, mali."

"Oh dear, I seemed to have strolled into a bad area of the park."

"Pharmies....?"

"Good day sir."

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A Crime of Passion of the Christ

"Ok you guys, time to settle down." Their incessant banter continued. "Oh My god, tee hee,I am so angry. Come on, I have such big news to tell you. Ugh, doesn't anyone listen to me, tee hee -- I am so funny sometimes. Alright, seriously please be quiet!" His effeminate tone reached an alarming high, which resulted in his dinner party giving him their full attention.  

"So first, I want to say thank you guys so much for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. I want to say thanks to Bartholmew for bringing the bread. His twice spiced Italian herb wheat bread was divine, if you know what I mean... And oh my goodness, John this wine is out of this world. I don't want to know what you had to go to get this Chianti, but let me tell you it is to die for, tee hee." They were both thankful of his holiness' praise. "Also, in case you were wondering, the dip is handmade and 100% organic with freshly picked arugula straight from my garden. Anywho, I gathered you guys here today to tell you some big and also very important news. Mary Mag, this sweet girl sitting next to me with a mouth like sailor, and I are... getting married!" Cheers broke out across the room, but not all was what it seemed. There were a few who found what the man of honor had to say disheartening. They kept their thoughts to themselves though and clapped along.

However, there was one among them who was visibly unmoved from such an announcement. He was stoic on the outside while his mind raced with thoughts. This man was Judas. He knew something about Jesus that only a few suspected and the rest would never have believed. And once the party settled back to do its routine after the wave excitement passed, Judas confronted Jesus on the veranda.

"Jesus of Nazareth! What do you think you are doing? How could you do this to me?"

"What do you expect from me? I can't go on living like this, not in this time. You have to understand that the suspicion was too much. Our secret will be harder to deal with now, but I know we can do it."

"No, you're wrong Mr. High and Mighty. We cannot do anything. This is over. I cannot believe you..." And he left the scene of merriment and surprise with the taste for bitter revenge because of a broken heart. 

The party continued and Jesus, perhaps a little drunk on wine, decided it was time to wash the feet of the males at the party, one of his favorite things to do. Up on his rooftop in the open air he was sensually scrubbing his closest friend's feet. Oh it feels so good they would say. And Jesus would smile. But the ecstasy of the moment was broken when Judas came busting through the door. He walked right up to Jesus pulled him to his feet and kissed him passionately and lovingly on the lips. That perfect combination of romance and pain, of emotion and bitterness. They embraced clutching their draping clothes. Mary Magdalene feinted. Paul threw up. Others grinned with self-satisfaction. Then the guards rushed in, "Round up that homosexual Jesus. That's a crime!" 

With a tear in his eye falling heavy like the feeling of guilt a child has for disobeying his parents, he said "I'm sorry." Jesus replied, "I'm not. We both know what happens in prison."

[amalgamed]

The Truth Behind a Big Hit and a Small Bullet

Dear Carol,

Look, I know the whole earthing was weird. I get that now. I was in a moment and you know how I get-- I'mpassionate. That is just the guy I am. But this passion is about you Carol: I love you. You need to know that.

I need you to stick by me now. Things have gotten tough lately. This whole painting thing has to work out. You have to believe in me just like I believe in your artistic career, too. Your songs are great. I mean, my paintings might be better, but your work is still pretty awesome.

Anyway, I hope you understand and I am giving you this gift. No! It's not my other ear. LOL. It is a painting of… guess who? ME! Your favorite person. How bout we meet up for dinner this week?

Thinking of you,

Vin~

Dear Vincent,

Yes, the ear was bad. But being able to recognize that is very mature of you. That being said, I hope you understand that this, us, cannot work. It is just too much for me right now. Too be honest, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, you are a little too self-obsessed for me. The painting is a perfect example of that. I mean who sends a painting of themselves to say sorry. I loved your early work, but these days, it’s all about you, even outside of the art. Either way, I still hope we can be friends and I'll have you know that I am currently writing a song that I think is going to be a hit.

Yours,

Carol K.

Carol,

Goodbye.

-Vin