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New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.

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2017; you taught me more than I could handle. I learned love, loss, everything in between.

caracactus  (via wnq-writers)

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First admit that you are unhappy. Then admit why. Then understand you need to let go. Allow yourself a moment. Breathe in the moment deeply. Then the healing will begin.

Nikita Gill, How to Start Healing (via thelovejournals)

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@wnq-writers @wnq-anonymous @wordsnquotes-net

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crossroads are just eye openers

Nothing in my life has come easy. It wasn’t until I was old enough that I realized I had it harder than most. And for a while, i was angry. I was mad that I had an abnormal family and an abnormal come up and that all the girls I was friends with, had so much more than I ever have and ever will. It wasn’t until I was old enough that I realized my mothers drinking habits weren’t normal and that people knew of me as the girl who grew up with the young, alcoholic mother. It wasn’t until I was old enough that I learned the only way I can prove that its okay to be different is to make it work for me. It wasn’t until I was old enough I realized that it isnt normal to spend your nights taking care of your beligerently drunk mother when you should be going out and doing what most middle schooler/early high schoolers do. I learned a lot at a young age and once I realized theres nothing to do but except it and use my past to shape myself into someone better, things got better. Ive always been known as the happy, partying, outgoing, smiling girl. Ive always been seen as someone with a good head on their shoulders. But deep down, I’ve always had struggles with depression and anxiety. These past few months, I have grown so much and become so much stronger than I used to be. I’m going on three months without cutting myself and as hard as it is sometimes, I don’t plan on relapsing. Thats the longest I’ve gone in four years.. crazy progress. For the first time since alex and I broke up, a year and a half ago, Ive found someone I really like and care about. I always told myself it would be a very long time before I would let someone in but I did and it scares me everyday. I also see a lot of progress in how I am in a relationship. It’s so hard not to be crazy and controlling and overprotective like I always was but thats something else that I’ll learn with time. The one thing that scares me most is relapsing. Falling back into a dark, deep place. A place where all of the friends and people I have in my life right now, never knew me. They love me for the older, more mature, more sane Amber. And sometimes I get so scared that once they see even the slightest side of the old me, things will change. I have these days where I just don’t feel okay. I feel unmotivated and sad and don’t want to leave my bed. And those days more than anything, I want to hide from all these new people in my life because its harder than anything to hide my feelings. I can barely speak without wanting to cry and theres no explaining my feelings. It’s so hard but at the same time, I know these people are different. Less judgemental, more caring. But you always think the best about people and they switch it up and do the exact opposite when you least expect it.

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i’m just waiting

Everyone’s always waiting for something. Waiting for their chicken nuggets to be done, waiting for people to get their heads out of their asses, waiting for a text or phone call, waiting for a person who may never come, waiting for clarity, waiting for happiness, waiting for love, waiting for a sign that life will get better. These among many other things, are all things that I’ve been waiting for. Life’s hurdles will never stop me, but they definitely slow me down. Now more than ever. I know its perfectly okay to be confused and lost but I just wish there was some equation or app to tell us when life will make a turn for the better.

I’ve learned a lot at 19 and still am learning things everyday. I’ve learned how to cope with my sadness better. I’ve learned how to care less about what people think and say. I’ve learned that you can’t be enough for everybody. And I’ve learned what kind of people I need around me. I never thought I’d go from the crazy, outgoing girl with too many friends to balance, to the girl who keeps her circle small & could care less about the party scene. I also never thought I’d fall out of love, move back home, and never thought I’d get through the part of my life where I had no interest in waking up to see another day. But I did and I’m here, not exactly where I want to be yet but in the process.

2017 is the year of learning to love myself. Looking at past mistakes and falling outs and relationships, one conclusion I can come to is that if I had loved myself, I would’ve been able to love others so much better. Learning to embrace yourself for all that you are after years of disliking everything about yourself, is SO hard. There are so many setbacks everyday but the one thing that really keeps me motivated to keep working to find myself is definitely the idea of how beautiful the outcome will be. It’s a goal to wake up everyday and love myself and my life. And once I can do that, I’ll be so ready to give all the love in my heart to someone else and love them better than Ive ever loved a person. And I can’t wait to do that. I already find myself giving so much to people I care about but I know I shouldn’t be without caring for myself first. But once I can balance both, it’s going to be beautiful.

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To the first man who had the chance, but never loved me

I’m not bitter. I’m not sad. Part of me is angry. But most of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you weren’t a good person. I’m sorry that you didn’t have your priorities straight enough to realize what an amazing life you’d be missing out on. I’m sorry that you weren’t a part of my biggest success but were my biggest failure. I’m sorry that you made decisions that lead to you having to live a life without me in it. Im sorry that I’ve accomplished so much in my life and you know nothing about it. Im sorry that you have no right to be proud of me. Im sorry that I have no interest in you ever being a part of my life. Im sorry that you were too blind to realize how amazing my mother and I both are. 

There were times I look back on when i was young and wished I couldve shared it with a father like a normal kid. Like father/daughter events. But then, I just get a sense of pride in myself.I know how strong I’ve become just because of your lack of existence. Growing up without a biological father was the best thing yo happen to me. I want you to notice that I said biological. I had so many people take your place. My mom, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my friends parents, the list goes on and on. You were simply not needed. I would like to thank you for this. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how bad I want someone in my life, it doesn’t always happen.  Not having you in my life made me strong, powerful, careful, and happy. I was able to experience things differently than my friends who had a two parent home. The credit that you don’t deserve is all given to my mother. I built a relationship with my mother that is twice as strong as it would be if you were around. For years, I watched my mom grow with me. At the time I didn't know it, but I now I see that she struggled. She wanted only the best for me and she did whatever she could so that I would have it. She understood that early mornings and long nights would be tough in the moment, but help me in the long run. My mother played both roles and I couldn't be more proud of her. I hope that one day I'm at least half the women that she was and twice the parent you could ever be. I'm proud of myself that I finally understand that my life is perfect without you in it, even though I spent years trying to figure out why you weren't apart of my life. I have family who supports me and friends who are always around. I'm proud that I was finally able to realize that I did not need a biological father because I had many different father figures in all of the people around me. Blood does not always symbolize family and sometimes water is in fact thicker. I wish nothing but good things for you, but my life is better because you were not there.

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To The Girl That Loves Him Next

I don’t know who you will be, how you will meet him, and what not, but I already am so jealous of whoever you are. Here are some things to know about this amazing boy you’ve been blessed to find whom I once loved with my whole heart.

-The snoring will get better, once you realize how amazing of a feeling it is to fall asleep and wake up with someone who makes you feel so loved and safe, you won’t mind.

-Your family is going to love him. He’s exactly the kind of guy they’ll want you to have and they’ll love him as one of their own.

-He will spoil you!! It’s not all about materialistic things, he will shower you with love and will go to ends to see you smile.

-Sometimes it might seem like he loves his car more than you but just know that that car is his only other baby. That’s the only competition you’ll ever have to worry about because that boy is more loyal than you can imagine.

-Don’t forget to make sure he knows you’re always there and how much you adore him. Everything that he has gone through has made him the person he is today. His past will haunt him and it may affect your relationship, but don’t give up on him. He’s been through more than you could imagine, so take it all one step at a time. Don’t go a day without reminding him how much you appreciate him.

-Be honest. Nothing hurts more than being lied to so leave it all out on the table so that there is no trust issues. He doesn’t need anymore of those.

-His kisses are addictive. You’ll never get tired of those lips.

- Lastly, do anything you can to be nothing like me. Don't hurt him, don't lie, don't move far away, don't break his heart. He doesn't need to deal with that again.

All I hope is that you always choose him. Put him first because he’ll be doing the same. As much as I had wished that the girl he’d love forever would be me, as long as you make him happy, I know that you two will do wonders.

xoxo

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why 2016 can go into the books as the shittiest year yet

I’m a firm believer of the cliche that things will hurt bad before they get better. I’m just waiting for the better part and have been for quite a while now. But regardless of how much my heart is aching and how much of a mess it is in my head, I do a mighty fine job of keeping it together. It’s not so much that i’m scared to come off as weak, but more so that I’ve always been the friend who is there for everyone and knows the right things to say and I love being that person. For about 10 months now, I’ve been stuck in this rut and as hard as i try to do everything right, it seems i do just the opposite. Within the past 18 months, I’ve experienced so much. Nothing prepares you for adulthood and growing up and all the things included. Moving far away from home was the best and the worst thing I have ever done. I was one of the few brave ones in my graduating class who went somewhere far away for college and I picked such an amazing place. Wyoming is great, the people are great, the school is great. I’m so thankful for this opportunity and all the new experiences I’ve had. But what I didnt know was how much moving away was going to ruin my friendships and relationships, and take such a toll on me. Moving somewhere new, where you don’t know anyone, isn’t easy at all but luckily Ive met some great people. But I didnt think that I would lose so many people from back home. I also like to believe that people walk away to open the doors for new friendships. But there’s not a day where I don’t feel nostalgic about the memories and times I had with people I no longer have in my life. I also went into college very confident that was in love and that I would always have that person there for me. Regardless of the distance. 18 months ago, I was effortlessly happy. Every smile was genuine, every laugh was real, and there was no walls around my heart. And don’t get me wrong, I’m still my smiley, fun, outgoing self but theres just a part of me that isn’t there right now. It kind of feels like a repetitive cycle of one shitty thing after the other. But as hard as things have been, I’ve come to the point where I have gained the mindset where I can handle these hard times in a positive way. A year ago, I was in a situation I didnt think I could push through, two years ago i was in a situation i dint think i could push through. But i did and i will this time.

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This year I only want to be around the people that love me, not the people that pretend they do.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

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To the Man Who Stepped In

I have seen my mom at her best, worst, prettiest, and ugliest. I have loved her through it all and she will forever be the most idolized woman in my eyes. She will always have my unconditional love but just as my mom is not enough for me, I am not enough for her. Then you came along and added light to her life I never thought possible.

My mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. She may play a tough game and act like she has it all together, but the more I mature into adulthood, the more I realize my mom is an average human being just like everyone else in this world. I don't mean that to downplay how much of an amazing woman she is. I just mean she can't do this life alone. But then you came around and she finally had an actual "person" to be transparent with in life. I see a new life in her that I have only seen in spurts before you came around. Five years ago, I wouldn’t think we would be where we are now but I realize thats because I was definitely a bratty kid that tried too hard to protect my mom from the best thing that could happen to our little upside down family.

To take on not only ONE, but TWO crazy women, shows how strong you are and does nothing but prove to me that you’re the one for my mom. It probably wasn’t ideal to have to deal with a crazy, spoiled teenage girl but you did it and did a pretty awesome job. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you around when my mom didn’t understand very common, millennial things like “turning up” and understanding my love for NWA. Picking on her has definielty become easier having someone to back me up all the time.

So thank you. Thank you for all the rides to who knows where, for all the nights listening to me cry over silly things, for accepting me, for being someone to count on, and for stepping into our lives. Most importantly, thank you for making my mom happy like she deserves. I think its safe to say neither of us would trade you for the world.

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WHY LOSING A BEST FRIEND WHO YOU ALSO WERE IN LOVE WITH IS THE WORST

Everyone has seen those movies where the main character helplessly falls in love with their best friend. A love that nobody saw coming or expected. A love that started out as an amazing friendship where one person had feelings and the other was too blind to realize what they had in front of them for years. Suddenly, when he starts telling you about some girl he was with, this weird jealousy overcomes you and you’ve never been so confused because why would you be getting jealous over your best friend? You’ve always told each other everything, every guy and girl, always been each others shoulder to cry on. And now, your stomach is in knots because the thought of him with a girl hurts but it just doesn’t make sense.

Laying in bed at night you realize he’s all you can think about. You start thinking of things you’ve never thought of before. “What would it be like to kiss him?” “Would we look good together?” And you shake your head because what the hell are you thinking! He’s your best friend and has been since elementary school. I mean yeah, people have always said he likes me but he’s my best friend, we could never date. You tell yourself to just sleep it off but when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think about is him. You are at constant battle because your heart is trying to tell you to love this boy, but your head disagrees. After a while, hiding these feelings isn’t even possible anymore. Maybe it isn’t a good idea but the heart wants what it wants. And it’s him, the boy you never saw yourself loving until now.

Skip forward and you are happier than you ever could’ve imagined. Kissing him is the most amazing feeling, you guys make a beautiful couple, and every doubt you ever had has disappeared. All you ask yourself now is why didn’t these feelings surface sooner?! This love is the most amazing thing that could’ve ever happened and you two are the couple everyone loves together. Your families love you two together and each take the both of you in as if you belong. The questions you used to ask yourself turn into things like, “Wonder which places he would want to travel to and explore with me?” “Can we just run away together and be alone and disconnected from the world?” “Does he see himself growing old with me too?” No words can explain the way he makes you feel.

Many amazing months go by. Despite the small bumps in the road, you stay on your high horse and nothing can bring you down. Well, so you think. Unfortunately, life really sucks. And sometimes, it throws things at you that make everything so hard. So many different things cause people to fall apart. Sometimes the love just fades, sometimes jealousy and protectiveness becomes overbearing, sometimes distance gets in the way and makes it hard to remember what it’s like to kiss and hold someone you love. Sometimes you can’t fight the battle between your head and your heart anymore. Sometimes you lose the ability to fight, you become drained in every way possible. Mentally, emotionally, physically. And sometimes, you’re forced to take a look at the bigger picture and decide if you can continue on.

He was the first person I’ve ever been in love with. He was the one who loved me all along and waited in hopes that one day I would feel the same. He was the one who watched me date other people and watched me go through heartbreak, and stayed through it all because I was all he wanted. He loved me in a way that most teenagers don’t experience. He loved me for every thing that I was and everything that I wanted to be. He loved me with all his heart and did everything he could to make sure that I knew it.

And me? I ruined it. I let go of probably the best guy I could’ve ever found. I was selfish. Even though it wasn’t necessarily a bad kind of selfish, I gave up when I should’ve done more and tried harder. I thought I had realized that I can’t revolve my world around a boy. I thought I had realized that long distance at 18 isn’t worth my time. I thought I realized that he was dragging me down and making things too hard. But I was wrong. He wasn’t just some boy. Long distance doesn’t make things easier but it sure as hell is no excuse. And he wasn’t dragging me down, he was keeping me strong and giving me an excuse to want to wake up every day. Two months later and I now realize that the only thing dragging me down is this guilt of breaking the heart of someone who loved me unconditionally.

Everyone  knows what it’s like when everything reminds you of someone. I go to the gym and walk by someone who smells like he did. I play music and majority of songs remind me of my days spent with him. Clothes, jewelry, shoes, EVERYTHING reminds me of him. And on the outside, nobody would ever guess I’m still hurting so badly. I’m the one who ended it so people automatically assume I’m some cold hearted person and Im moving on without a problem. I always look happy and I always keep myself busy but thats what I have to do to keep these emotions bottled up. I have to look strong because being weak will just make me look stupid.

What nobody knows is what it’s like to come back to my lonely room every night and have nothing or nobody to stop me from looking at all our pictures & videos, listen to sad music, and cry while reminiscing until I have drained myself and can fall asleep to escape the sadness. Nobody knows how badly I just want to call him to hear his voice. Not the voice of the boy I loved but the voice of my ex-best friend who I could just talk to forever and know he would listen. Nobody knows that I still sleep in his t-shirts. Nobody knows that every night for the past few weeks, I dream about my hopes of running into him once I’m home. Dreams where he just holds me, and I hold him because we do still love each other and we both are hurting. Then there’s the bad dreams where he’s moved on and found somebody. If that were the case, I’d be happy. Happy that someone could give him all I couldn’t because that boy deserves more than the world has to offer. Nobody knows, that under my make up, clothes and smile, is a girl who’s missing the other half of her heart. I walk around everyday feeling empty and knowing that he’s walking around somewhere too with the piece of my heart that he stole from me. He was my person. He was the best friend I’d ever had and the best love I’ve ever had. And there was no way to keep one but not the other. So I lost both.

I tell myself everyday that everything happens for a reason and that if it’s meant to be, it will be. The most cliche things are sometimes the most helpful. But more than anything, I wish I could be psychic so I can see whether having these high hopes will pay off in the end. I also wish I could go back in time. Im not sure if I would stop myself from falling in love with my best friend or if I would just get a do-over at our love story. There’s a lot of things I don’t know and don’t understand but I do know that if I had the chance to love him again without life getting in the way, I would love him with the entirety of my heart and soul. Anything just to be in those arms that made me feel at home one more time.

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Nine Things I’ve Learned at 19

1: Loving yourself  Middle school and high school is the time to be awkward and confused. You go through the stages of looking funny, acting funny, doing whatever the “cool” and “in” things to do are. But once high school comes to an end, adulting begins. For some, it happens sooner than others and definitely is not an easy adjustment. But now is the time to realize that no matter what anyone thinks of you, at the end of the day, the most important thing is learning to love yourself and all that you are. Anyone who has anything different to say or think, clearly isn’t mature enough to understand that who you are, doesn’t concern them. Being the best version of you is being the person that makes you happy regardless of any one else. You are your own best friend and its time to learn to be independent and love, accept, and cherish yourself. All flaws included.

2: Creating goals Real goals. Goals that you are determined to accomplish and become your focus until they are attained. Goals that are serious, no longer childish and unrealistic. No more singing in the shower and thinking damn I’m good. Or looking at the stars and think, i want to be an astronomer because space is so cool. Now is the time to decide what direction you want to go towards in life. There’s nothing wrong with changing your goals because we all know life happens sometimes but this is a time in life when your future is important. It’s the time for you to decide who and what you want to be. For some people, maybe a singer or astronaut is an attainable goal. For some people, it seems impossible to know. I’m one of the more unfortunate ones who isn’t good at anything and isn’t sure whats right for them. But one thing I know is that there is something out there for me and when life is ready for me to find out what it is, ill know it instantly. In the mean time, small goals and taking it day by day will have to do.

3: Accept the past for what it is and don’t let it affect your future  Making mistakes and having regrets aren’t things that will stop once you grow up. Everyone will always make mistakes and wish for things to be different. Letting your mistakes affect your future negatively is no way to go about life. Whether the mistake is small like not feeding your fish and it dies and now you’ll be remembered as a fish murderer forever, or something as big as ending a relationship for what you thought at the time was the right reason. Regret and remorse and making mistakes are all very human and help make you stronger. They help you learn in more ways than you think and they might not be clear at first but you have to look at all sides to a mistake. Maybe that fish is dead now, but he’s living a better life in fish heaven. Maybe you ruined what could’ve been love, but you also did what was best for you and can learn a lot for future relationships. Everyone has something in their past that will always be a part of them, but learning to take that and turn it in to a motivator, is whats important. I grew up with a single mother who gave her everything to make sure I had it all, that motivates to me to do all I can to make her proud of the baby girl she raised.

4: Heartbreak is inevitable Heartbreak is proof that you love and care hard. It’s that gut-wrenching, so-real-you-can-feel-it kind of pain. Its life shattering and life altering. It empties you, robs you, and consumes you. Sometimes is slow and other times, its like jumping into ice water: the pain is immediate and breathtaking. But somehow, someday, you will be better because of it. I’m a believer that heartbreak is a good thing. It can come from significant others, close friends, family members. It comes in all different forms but it all hurts the same. Hurt is Hurt. Unfortunately, some people experience heartbreak way more often than others, and it will never get easier. But there comes a point where you have to  admit that you’re hurting. I’m as guilty as anyone for claiming to be so strong and tough, but even I have to break down and admit that my heart is genuinely aching. Heartbreak teaches a lot, but most of all, it teaches how to appreciate real love when you finally find it. If you have a series of trusting the wrong people or opening up your heart too easily like I have, you know how hard it is to jump back up and get in the “game” again. Heartbreak prepares you for what could happen so that if it does, you’re stronger than before and you’re ready, It teaches you the difference between something that looks like love, but isn’t quite love. It teaches you how to spot the different between what could lead to a puddle of tears and what could be something so true and unimaginable. Heartbreak will push you to pick yourself up, keep pushing forward, and remember who you are. In the darkest of times, we find the light in it all. Life is an adventure and it is not always easy, but everything we do shapes the human being we become for the world to see.

5: Learning to let go and move on from any negative situations Relating to my previous post, the moving on process and letting go is so hard for everyone. Learning the smart ways of coping and finding a good mindset is so important. Aside from heartbreak, theres a lot of times you’ll need to move on and let go. Doing bad on a test, dealing with drama (which shouldn’t even exist at this point but some people never grow up), not getting a job you tried for, saying/doing something you shouldn’t have. I don’t know about theres a lot of things lol. But for me, letting go and moving on from people and from certain times in my life, is what’s hardest but I know it’s what I need to do for a better me. To begin to move on, you have to remember the times that you shared with people were worthwhile. You enjoyed yourself, you enjoyed being together, and you created lasting memories. It may hurt to look back on them now, but they’ll be bittersweet memories once your heart can heal a little more. When you look back at the good times, you’ll be sad that they’re over. But you have to put all hard feelings aside, and be thankful for the time you did have with whomever you’re missing, and realize that this person/people were brought into your life for a reason. Even if it was only to bring you happiness for a short time.

6: You are going to lose people I think 2016 is the year of losing people for me. This is the age where everyone goes their own ways but never did I think I’d lose the people I thought would be there till the end. Losing a friend will be the biggest heartbreak you ever have to experience. The thing about a best friend is they are pretty much with you 24/7, you love them without even realizing, and they become your family. Especially in my situation where I up and left my actual family back home, I had thought I had found my person/people in my new home. The hardest part is realizing they are not your family and can leave at any time. They don’t have to stay. Sometimes people don’t need you anymore, and sometimes you drift apart without realizing how painful it really is. One thing I know for sure, is that these friends didn’t need me like I needed them. There’s nobody to blame because life happens in mysterious ways but its the process of finding new people when you’ve had ones for so long who knew you from top to bottom that makes it hard. Moving far from home caused me to lose a handful of amazing friends, but it opened the doors for the people who had been there from day one to come back into my life. One of my longest friends, I fell in love with and it was inevitable that we wouldn’t be able to be the best friends we were before feelings got involved. And the ones that I thought were going to be my life long friends I met in college, I knew it was too good to be true. Because beautiful things never last, that’s why fireflies flash.

7: Learning that being confused and at a crossroads is OKAY There’s so much pressure on this generation to have it all and to be successful and to finish college in four years and to know what youre doing with your life. Well, the chances that anyone has all their shit together at 19 are VERY slim because college is just one huge ball of stress made up of unreal amounts work, tears, ramen noodles, thoughts of becoming a stripper instead, and occasional fun. By occasional fun I mean going to Walmart at 2 am and buying as much junk food as you can on your low college student budget. Some people have passions and have a plan, but that can change at any moment and that’s OKAY. Taking your time to figure out what you want to do with your life is the smartest thing to do. There will probably be a lot of trial and error but as long as your progress in finding yourself and where you belong, time shouldn’t matter and neither should the pressure of how society makes things seem they should be.

8: Accept your wrongness Being honest with yourself and all others around you is SO important in marinating healthy relationships. It is okay to be wrong!! Everyone makes mistakes and as much as you feel like shit in the moment, it WILL blow over. Be honest with how you feel, what you think, communicate with everyone to avoid any miscommunication because just speaking your thoughts is harmless. Worse comes to worse, you accept you were wrong and you move on from it. People will respect you more if your honest and own up to your mistakes.

9: Sometimes being a selfish person can make you a better person Society encourages us to grow, mature and learn everyday. But how can we do that if we aren’t thinking about ourselves and making ourselves a priority? Putting ourselves first at this time in our lives is not a bad thing! You have to do what is best for you, always. Right now, it's just us. We don't have anyone dependent on us and no one else is affected by what we do. Ten years from now, we could have a spouse or even little ones who need us more than anything. So why not take advantage of this time we have for ourselves? At the end of every day it's just you. And most days, it's you who is going to have to save your own little heart. Pick up the pieces and find joy in the fact that you still have those around you who love and appreciate you. Be selfish and make your own happiness. Don't let anyone else define your life for you.

[ambz1234321-blog]

The Truth About Single Mothers

A single mother is the epitome of beauty and strength. I don’t think we think about it enough: the struggle of the single mother. What people don’t know is that single mothers do the work of both mom and dad, and that being a mom is a 24-hour, 7 days a week, thankless job. The sacrifices made by a mother are so innumerable it’s ridiculous. When the responsibilities of a father are added into the mix, it is a job that only strong woman can do. Single mothers deserve more praise and appreciation, and are not nearly thanked as much as they should be. So here’s a few things I want to thank you for:

1. Thank you for working crazy hours to make it possible for us to have it all. I never experienced a birthday or christmas where I didn’t get what I asked for and that wouldn’t have been possible without all your hard work. 2. Thank you for putting me first. You’ve sacrificed so much for us. Even when I’m a total pain, you’re always selfless and make me your first priority. 3. Thank you for dealing with all of the attitude I give you (even though I definitely got it from you). 4. Thank you for teaching me morals and how to be a good person. I would never want to disappoint you and try everyday to make you as proud as I can. 5. Thank you for supporting my every decision. Even when you disagree, I know you’ll always be there for me every step of the way. Without you, my dreams and aspirations wouldn’t even be possible. By being so strong and carrying on when times are hard, you’ve taught me so many lessons. You’ve taught me that a bird with a broken wing can fly, that the sky doesn’t stay dark forever, and that a problem is only as big as you think it is. You’ve showed me that the impossible is possible through hard work, love, and, positivity.

It takes something special to be who you are and do what you do but you stay killin’ it. Even if we have our ups and downs and argue from time to time, I want you to know that I appreciate the strength you have every single day raising us. You're the "cool" mom who isn't afraid to tell people what you think. When my friends tell me, "I love your mom," I couldn't be more proud. It's because of you I understand the value of being selfless. And I know that I don't need a man to do anything for me. I can do it myself. Because of you I know I need to work hard for what I want. And because of you I am following my dreams and working hard to give back what you've given to me my whole life. You are my hero, my inspiration, my motivation, my badass single mom.

I love you more than your tacos and grilled cheese. xoxo.