amc-thoughts

[amc-thoughts]

12 March 2021

wow...... its weird that i read my past journals and i remember the emotions i felt during those times. im honestly glad i wrote these journals as a way to remind me of such hard times. tbh im crying rn bc it was so sad...... summer 2019 abigail... u were just one sad bitch let me tell u 😂😂😂 its funny i can laugh at myself now bc now way did i ever think i would get to this point in my life... 2021 abigail vs 2019 abigail are two different people experiencing different points in their lives... isnt it just funny the way life works??? i find it quite amusing but i supposed thats how life is.... life has a funny way of teaching us things and im glad everything happened to me. break ups, break ups with ur friends LMAO, traveling to a foreign country, corona virus (who would have known huh anyways fuck rona).

tbh idek what im writing.... im kinda just typing whatever comes into my head.... umm currently ur in ur dorms crying in the dark bc u remember how worthless ur past self was feeling... what a crazy time.. i have not cried like this in a while.. which is fine. i am human lol. i guess a part of me just feels lonely... i think i just get sad time to time bc i wish i had a bf HAHA to put things plainly... i miss feeling excited/get butterflies for a stupid boy ... with covid and everything life is just hard to meet ppl... being at hufs and having my classes be online suckssssss. i wish i could meet my classmates and make more friends. but gradually i am getting there ☺️ i met celia today so woohoooo she was fun.

i guess i think in the back of my head how nice it would be to have a bf but rlly having a bf isnt everythinggggg like yes i could die single than to be with a toxic ass boy

***********

me: lol gurl u kno ur type is toxic

also me: gurl u right 🤪

HAHAHAHAHA

***********

i say i want a bf but opening up to a boy is so scary!!!!!!! wtf!!!!! how would i even know a boy here??? i cant go on tinder bc im too shy!!!!! scared!!!! i dont wanna go on a date and he kills me!!! ok i know that was being dramatic but hehe.... i know things usually happen when u least expect it so imma just chilllll.. vibe u kno... haha thats how i have been lately. u just a cool bitch and im PROUD OF YOU!!! me 2 me im proud of u bitch!!! u were so sad and pathetic but now u glow’d up!! look at u makin moves here in koreaaaa!! who else is traveling during a pandemic???? like u badass gorl hype ya self up!!! dont feel sad for urself anymore!!!! (thank u <3 ㅋㅋㅋ)

talking to myself like this makes me feel better. i get to just sit here and self reflect and its nice. i constantly push my worries to the side but u gotta talk about it sometimes

~ in ur letter to shitty ex bf u thanked him but in this letter i want u to thank YOU bitch! thank urself for getting this far in life and doing things you always wanted to do. you’re in a different country for COLLEGE!! thats so excitimg!!! go u!!!! ur so hard working and loving!!! keep being urself bc ppl will only love you for your personality and you will attact what you put out!!!

you’re a different person now....

2021 abigail 🤝 2019 abigail

time to be excited for what is yet to come ☺️ we never know what tomorrow will bring us but we should not let fear consume us and hinders what awaits us ✨✨

[amc-thoughts]

method acting at it’s finest 

[amc-thoughts]

19 July 2019

Wow its really crazy it took me a year to finally get back on here...... maybe when im just really depressed I talk to myself on here idk why i keep this journal of depression. i think its kinda cool so i can see what kinds of things bothered me at certain times of my life.

well... here you have it. cameron and i broke up on july 13..... tbh idk why my summers are hard for me? like i dont get it. what did i do to deserve this shit every summer..... but yeah. im sad as shit. very sad. In my head i know i shouldnt keep holding onto him, but i do :-( why am i so pathetic? 😞 when he easily can move on but im having the toughest time. this literally has got to be one of the hardest things that I have to go through bc im so fucked up emotionally, physically, and mentally. its like my whole world spiralled out of control on June 15. The day my world ended. I told myself at spring semester ended, that I wanted to have a good summer and i wanted to work on myself. did that happen? no. i used to work out and be happy. now im depressed and lost weight due to not eating...... i dont feel like explaining the whole story bc i know already lol.

but my biggest question to myself is why?

why do you still hold onto him?

why are you so weak?

why are you so nice to others when you get taken advantage of very easily?

why cant you focus on yourself?

why am i scared to be alone?

why cant you be strong for yourself?

why cant you decide which job you want to keep?

i really dont fucking know. everything in my life rn is a disaster. and i dont know what to do with myself. time wont stop for me so i can just cry and think what can i do for myself. i just wake up every morning and go to work. i got a stupid second job so i can go off island with cameron. im tired of this shit. im tired of being so fucking sad. when will this end? pls end soon so i can move the fuck on with my life.

to be cont..

[amc-thoughts]

04 Nov 2018 2:36 AM

my own bf stresses me out

i dont know what to do

................

update 3:58 AM

a lot of things are stressing me out.... i want to take a break from my whole life: school, studying, work, love life, friends...... i just want to be by myself. i want to lay down or go to the beach at sunset and just take in the moment.

only i know myself better than anymore else. i should be the one to make myself feel better. but sometimes u let others hurt u and u deal with it. that is life sometimes and it is not fair. love is not always beautiful and love is not perfect.

i havent felt this way in a while...... maybe i just hold everything in until they release whenever they choose......

i forget to breathe sometimes.... pls remember to breathe :-( i know you’re congested but pls breathe. its okay. *hug* :-(((((((

one thing goes wrong and another goes wrong :-/ sometimes i dont know what to do with myself..... sometimes i wonder why i bounce back quickly acting like everything is okay...... but then again u must not wallow in your own self depression. u must grow and move on. maybe thats just how i am but i also leave things unsaid. one day i will say them but they will go unheard. harsh reality sometimes.

someone listen to my heart......

my heart is in pain

but i will wake up today and going on with my life.... its okay.... its okay.....

[amc-thoughts]

i’ll be strong for u even if im not

[amc-thoughts]

31 May 2018

it is currently 2:36 AM..... i didnt realize yesterday would have been horrible but i hope for the best honestly..... i just wanted a fun summer.. not this crap

[amc-thoughts]

29 May 2018

Well I finished my first year in college!!!! Its pretty awesome actually. I got straight A’s and a 3.9 GPA. Im so proud of myself, because I really pushed myself for all my classes. Its kind of crazy because I didnt think i’d do this well. I thought that if I take 5 classes, it might be difficult, but I guess not. Im so proud of myself!!!!

In other news at least its summer and I have a break. Im taking MA151 in summer session C. In the mean time I want a job and to get my driver’s license.... Thats my goal. I want to be able to drive to school and at least get a job for the month of June..... I hope haha.

[amc-thoughts]

My 13 Reasons Why Dream

I am writing this so I don’t forget what happened. I believe it was a pretty cool dream hahahaha.

So from what I remember, I was sitting at a baseball field (it was night time) and I was sitting next to Clay, Justin, Zach Dempsey, and Tyler. I turn around and see that the baseball boys are all in this hidden pathway thingy in the trees. It domes a little bit. It seemed like they were going to do something bad, since they were blocked from everyonems view. All the festivities were on the right side of me. Lots of people were there. Then I hear some guy call Justin. I told him not to go, but he said he has to... Then Dempsey gets up and I tell him not to go too, but he’s apart of the baseball team, so he’s obligated to go..... I was worried about the both of them. I see that Tyler is behind me and I tell him that we have to tell an adult. I said “im scared for justin. what if they hurt him?” then Tyler said “you should go check it out. hide in the bushes or something.” then I say “but there wont be any time for my to report it if I go.” then Tyler suggests that he will go for me. I was surprised he did that for me and I thanked him. Then i remember running off to the crowd trying to find an administrator to report the incident.

NOW THE SECOND PART

I remember being in the court yard of a school and just walking around. I faintly remember seeing Justin and Dempsey. Then when the school day ended, i remember walking somewhere. It looked like a ticket booth and I see Dempsey buying TWO tickets. I assumed he was gonna ask me on a date, but I also wanted to ask him on a date. I looked through my phone bc I remember Tyler DMing me Zach’s number. For some reason I couldnt find it.... Which was a bummer and Dempsey left to idk where. Then i was just walking around.... and it ended LOL.

I wish I remembered more... hehe

[amc-thoughts]

College starts next week

Its kinda crazy. lots of things happened this summer and it was good. i try not to remember the bad times but thats what that other text post was for. I hope things get better as life continues. Lets hope for no nukes from North Korea come this way. I still havent gotten married and had kids yet. Dont take this away from me Kim Jung Un.

Im excited for college. Lets see where life takes me. ✨

[amc-thoughts]

ah i love him 💗💗

[amc-thoughts]

why do i feel lonely sometimes and why am i crying

[amc-thoughts]

you never want to talk to me 😭😭😭😭😪

[amc-thoughts]

Summer 2017

Well in all relationships of course everything isnt perfect. Somehow everything only seems perfect when its just me and you. Besides that I've seem to worry more whenever im not with you. Not because im clingy, but i just always feel bad vibes from your friends. Thats none of my business i know but idk. I always just feel like i cant trust what you say. You go MIA, forget i exist, then come up with some sorry excuse and yet i always forgive you. Ever since you started vaping and smoking i feel so weird and sad. I wish you didnt but what can i do. I cant change you. I accept the things that cant be changed but doesnt mean i approve? Idk about you sometimes. You drive me crazy and sometimes its fun, but other times I just wonder.... I cant hate your friends because they're your friends and thats your way of having fun but :-/ i dont feel right. I know im going to have to live with this. There is no perfect man out there for me and he's not real so. I hate having to find out things from other people. I know that this is a problem we've faced before but it always just keeps coming back. Maybe i feel like im losing trust in you is because you dont tell me anything and think its best to keep things from me a secret. Like how many times have you ever smoked? i have no fucking clue. Why do you know so many stages and actions from smoking weed like you're some expert? Why do i have to find out from my best friend or anyone else, things you havent told me? How many things dont you tell me???? Maybe my dream of that pregnancy is just my thoughts deep deep down trying to tell me something i didnt think i felt. What am i to u besides sex? thats all we only ever seem to do when we're alone. Besides that, you're always just on your phone or your attention is else where... like ur unmentioned friends that come over. If u were going to invite ur friends, i wouldnt have come. Especially if they were doing shit i hated. I literally just sat there on my phone. okay maybe i was being a bit too hard on those last few but i guess that's just my feelings..... sighhhh. problem after problem. what else is new.

[amc-thoughts]

to my last text post

its getting better a little bit better. he gave me a penguin and money for my grad gift. that was cool

[amc-thoughts]

i miss when u used to be sweet :-/

[amc-thoughts]

is it wrong i just want to feel special to you? well if its not then why hasnt it happened?

[amc-thoughts]

Senior Night

tbh idek how to feel. so many feelings that need to be felt. happy, sad, disappointment, cheerfulness, perseverance, independence, and heart broken. no we did not break up but he didnt show up. i feel like it was my fault anyways. i told him not to go bc whats the point of him being there and i already know he hates it. whats the point in receiving his gifts if he's not even proud of them? it was just gonna be awkward and he's just gonna say "i hate being forced into things because of you" so i told him not to go. yes, that did hurt my feelings i said that but maybe it was better that way. i did great in my races but after that it just felt weird. i told myself that i will not let some boy interfere with my mind and let it effect my race. i worked so hard to be where im at and i cant ruin my chances. so in a way it helped motivated me. im pissed off that u decided to be selfish and only care about your feelings and didnt stop to think "maybe she deserves a nice senior night" or "maybe i should not be selfish and go for her bc it'll make her happy", but no. i didnt get that. sometimes i even wonder if u actually love me or you just say it because i say it to you first..... sometimes i wonder what thoughts go into ur head. i had the most horrible night bc it was raining and my posters were getting wet. i was irritated that i had to wait in the rain for my brother and also watch for my turtle. i cant do so many things at once. my heart has its limits too. i wonder if it's gotten to that point yet.....