amidissociative

[amidissociative]

hello. i need help from the OSDDID community.

hi there. call me C. i need help figuring out whether what im experiencing is common in the OSDDID community or not. not going to put too much identifying information here but the body is 20+.

TWs for rape (in adulthood), childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc. under the cut.

thanks for opening the post.

i seriously am confused and scared and a little bit angry because how would this sort of thing not be obvious to both myself and other people. yeah i guess dissociative disorders are meant to be covert but... come oooooon.

i've been raped 5 times as an adult (by the same person, long sad story blah blah), and have one extremely strong memory of a family member probably molesting me. the memory has never changed nor faded but i didnt actually acknowledge it as molestation until earlier this year when i realised, hey, maybe thats a bit fucked up actually.

anyway, i took the MID (Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation) test a couple days ago and i really did not like my results. I was as honest as i could be, since the test was self-administered and i wasnt trying to impress anyone or prove anything or whatever the fuck. These were the first results i got (dark blue line is MY average, yellow is DID-patient average, light blue is OSDD average, pink is non-dissociative patient average):

obviously to me that reads as Bad and also Extremely Consistent With DID which i really don't fucking like.

Today i spent some time doing fucky little things to the answers i gave to the test. By which i mean, i went through my answers, and dropped all of the numeric scores by 2 points, unless the scores were a 2, 1, or 0 already. Therefore a 10 became an 8, a 5 became a 3, etc., but a 2 became a 1, and both 1s and 0s stayed the same. That means all the answers i gave an answer ABOVE 0 to, still had an answer above 0, but the drop as was consistent across the board as i could make it. The chart i got from that was:

NOT IDEAL.

so i went back and dropped ALL of the answers by one more point, regardless of what they were originally. meaning, 1s became 0s. everything dropped one entire point. the chart i got then was as follows:

AGAIN. NOT IDEAL. DOESNT MAKE ME HAPPY TO LOOK AT.

in essence i want to ask the OSDDID community: what am i looking at. is this real. is this possible. because i really actually don't want it to be, i dont like it, i dont want this. i would actually be happier with a schizophrenia diagnosis which is probably saying a lot since that disorder is also heavily stigmatised.

like yeah sure i guess theres 3 people in my head that like to take turns piloting the meatsuit but GOD ABOVE I THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL? HOW ISNT ANY OF THIS JUST NORMAL?

i am on my hands and knees here begging for insight, for advice, for anything. please. please.

before you get on my ass: YES, i am actively looking into psychiatric advice. my therapist as well as my gp/pcp have already made moves towards it. my country is just slow as fuck.