ampleax

[ampleax]

if you

if you want to see me, i'm currently staying in p.noval

or maybe i'm the one who wants to see you

[ampleax]

gonna abandon this site soon once i finish coding my new one :)

[ampleax]

i'll post soon

when my mind's clear

[ampleax]

04/09/25

This letter was made not to get a response from you, not to hear your side, and not to berate you. It was made for my own peace, as I am just so tired of all of this. It's strange how we can only communicate using letters ever since then, we can't even communicate in real-time and that says a lot already about us.

I've been backtracking these past few weeks, studying my emotions and how the situation all panned out, how it affected all parties. You've hurt me. Deeply. You opened doors only to slam them shut again, you made promises and confessed feelings you can't live up to. We talked while you still had a girlfriend, you told me you read our past messages to feel like I was still there. You made me feel like we still had a future and I believed you because I loved you.

But what you left out was the truth. Whenever I look back at how everything happened it just freaks me out, how can a person lie this much? You told me there was "no signal", when in reality you were spending time with her. You sent me pictures, but they were all taken by her. Did you, even just a little bit, feel guilty when you were sending those pictures? Genesis, I waited. I waited patiently, I had a bad feeling but I chose to trust you because what could you possibly gain from lying? I can't comprehend liars. More than anything else.

You called her controlling. You told me you still couldn't get over me but when everything came out, I was the one who took the fall. She sent me hate, the things she said are forever engraved to my head and the damage I've taken? I'll probably carry it forever. She flooded my socials while you stayed silent. I became the villain in all of this. I remember when you deactivated the day that she messaged me, you let me face everything alone. I was hurting and I didn't know what to do but you deactivated your account in order to "give me time" when all I wanted was to have you by my side in a situation like that. But even then, I didn't hate you. I don't even hate her, I'm not even the least bit angry at her because I know hurt people HURT people. I just wish her the best. I know she's angry only at me, so take her back if you regret things. Take her back if that's what you want, I take back what I said back then. If that's what makes you happy. Because surprisingly, the thought of it doesn't hurt at all.

Another eerie thing is how easy you make promises. The same confessions, the same phrases, how many times have you reused "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?". Even the same ideas for the future. You recycled what once felt sacred and gave it to someone else so easily, and scrolling through your joint account, that's what opened my eyes.

I'm not just a chapter you can revisit when it's convenient for you. I'm not a placeholder for when your life feels hollow. I'm a person who loved you deeply, who trusted you, and who believed in something that you couldn't honor. I would've given you everything, whatever you'd ask for, I would've given it to you.

I've realized now, that you didn't love me the way I loved you. You loved the idea of me. You loved knowing I'd still be there if everything fell apart. But I'm not your backup plan. I'm not your safety net. I gave you the most vulnerable parts of myself by imagining a whole life with you, which is something I never saw with anyone else. Yet you took that love and treated it like an option, like a convenience. Whatever promise we had formed together, it's not valid anymore. The moment you said I was your "last chance at love" back in 2023 should've been my wake up call.

I'm done blaming myself for responding when you reached out. I was in love and I was grieving. But I know better now. I know someone will love me the way I love, with consistency, courage, and presence. I will be loved and celebrated loudly by someone who doesn't run when things get difficult, someone who stays not just in words, but in action. And when that happens, I won't need to unlearn love to feel safe again.

You will remember me, you'll hear it in the music and see it in the little things we once shared. But I won't be haunted by you anymore. I'm not angry, I'm just done carrying the weight of someone who never once thought to carry me beyond words. Even now, there's no hate in my heart. I just wish you the best

There's no need to reply. In fact, do me a favor and please don't. I genuinely wish you the best with your band, I hope you accomplish all of your dreams.

[ampleax]

i have no mouth and i must scream

[ampleax]

funniest realization of my life puta n its like 6am

i rmember when this random guy posted abt me sa tip fw looking like jenna ortega when i did that one makeup look tapos naalala ko taste music video 😭 LMFAOOO

its kinda eerie thinking abt the similarities i have with her. i love miraculous ladybug and i've been watching it ever since mr pigeon season 1 (although i'm more of a luka girl) and one of my earliest memories is literally me singing along to a taylor swift song and she's also a swiftie.

i don't know

i just feel like in a different world i would've been friends with her? and she wouldn't be sending me reels about people who got cheated on and not spamming me on my socials

idk

ahhshsha im sorry i still love him, i dont think anything's gonna change that (unless idkk)

[ampleax]

its kinda eerie thinking abt the similarities i have with her. i love miraculous ladybug and i've been watching it ever since mr pigeon season 1 (although i'm more of a luka girl) and one of my earliest memories is literally me singing along to a taylor swift song and she's also a swiftie.

i don't know

i just feel like in a different world i would've been friends with her? and she wouldn't be sending me reels about people who got cheated on and not spamming me on my socials

idk

ahhshsha im sorry i still love him, i dont think anything's gonna change that (unless idkk)

[ampleax]

i miss when loving you from afar didn't feel like a sin

[ampleax]

or maybe i'll remove it tmr hala idk jesus christ i just miss him sm man LMAO ok i'll remove tmr and if he sees this today its a meant to b thing

[ampleax]

and keeping this open means i'll finally shut up on twitter !! yahoo !!!

yk i'll just make this account accessible to him para i can at least say what i wanna say here since songs cant capture it correctly 😠 mayb hindi na rin naman niya to makikita mwehehe

[ampleax]

do i rlly not have any happy diary entries here? bru

[ampleax]

yk i'll just make this account accessible to him para i can at least say what i wanna say here since songs cant capture it correctly ��� mayb hindi na rin naman niya to makikita mwehehe

[ampleax]

i miss him so much im genuinely going crazy LMAO this cute guy from school asked me out for coffee earlier so why am i crashing out over geno

of course i didnt agree. wouldnt be fair on the guy (altho he's rlly rlly cute 😭) i dont wanna talk to people while am hung up on someone eh

whats the use of the valentine's shit am gonna get if theyre not from him? jk

fast forward to moving on plz !

[ampleax]

01/28/25

This is so fucking corny of me, having to write another letter because I feel like I wasn't able to say everything I wanted to say. Maybe this can also serve as a response to your letter, considering the fact na it was so hard for me to even say anything earlier to you. I don't know where I even got the strength to say stuff when all I wanted to do when I saw you was hug you.

You are genuinely all I ever wanted, it was like God himself made someone for me- it genuinely felt like our souls are tied together. Hirap mo di mahalin nakakainis !! The past week I had with you literally parang everything started falling into place eh, being with you and holding your hands felt right. Being next to you feels right kaya kahit sinasabihan na ako na ang tanga tanga ko, wala eh, you're like my peace personified.

Don't blame yourself with the whole not being clean thing. I just genuinely couldn't handle any of the things that she were saying nung Saturday kasi alam ko naman na tama siya, tangina lahat ng firsts na I saved for you nakuha niya eh. Kaya I get it, sabi nga niya I'm the sad, lonely, and jealous one. And that pushed me over the edge, she just knows how to push someone's buttons siguro? Is that a BS Psych thing? I'm okay now though, nothing to worry abt in that manner. Also I'm gonna be so real, kahit sabi ko dun sa letter na I gave you kanina na you guys can get back together- that was a full on lie jusko. Please don't. Please. Pero I'm not the one controlling you naman so I can't really do anything sa closure pro max niyo mga bwisit (I'm still pissed9 !!)

I will be waiting for you, as tanga as it sounds !! Nung sinasabi ko kanina na I will be waiting, and I'll reach out once I've seen na you've gotten better as a person- totoo yon. Tangina iniisip ko pa na paano if it takes him years and naka move on na ko nun? And then I realized how wrong that was, kasi kung naka-move on ako hindi ba dapat dati pa. 😠😠😠 Hirap kasi di mahalin nakakainis !! Nakakainis ka talaga.

I also think I will never be able to feel the same love with someone else, I tried na eh. Pero being with them felt wrong and didn't make sense. It's always you and maybe it's always gonna be you. Maybe the 30 year old promise is a real thing? I hope hindi naman ganyan katagal, ngayon palang na we just split up ambigat na eh.

I will be watching you from afar. Siguro the moment I reactivate my Facebook, I'll add you back there. I have it deactivated for now kasi I don't know what your ex would do if kita information ko, at this point I'm just scared kung anong limits niya. So I'll keep it deactivated for now. In Instagram, follow me as soon as you've reactivated it. Like I said, I want to see how life will work out for you while you're working on things. I'll do the same naman, I also have a lot of stuff I need to work on !!

You know, I deliberately didn't give you the monkey plushie kasi siguro I wanted something to cling to eh. Even your pick, I'm still gonna turn it into a necklace ha! And I'm gonna wear it everyday. 😠 Complaints not accepted. I'm also gonna bring your letter wherever I go, you know how much of a hoarder I am since you've seen my wallet naman. It's gonna be there lagi.

I don't want to make this too long, I just wanted to say everything talaga kasi ayoko naman na may bigat na natitira sakin. And I don't hate you, I could never hate you. In fact I'm still trying to justify everything hanggang ngayon eh.

Ayun lang, see you around! Let's both work on ourselves para pag nagkita na tayo, parehas better versions of us yung magkasama. Kasi I really want to give you my everything and at the same time, I want your everything din eh.

I'll end things here na lang. I love you! Final na talaga to hanggang sa susunod na pag-uusap natin, re-read mo n lang to kapag may holidays tapos you're not back in my arms pa din. 😝 nyenyenye

Last na talaga !! Love you, will miss you lagi lagi lagi.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uxq5hQuntHhAiEfQ1rgpE?si=bQpU6flaSpG-fEBizVTcfw&pi=Zh8GzLubQr-go

[ampleax]

the love we have isn't something we'll experience ever again

and maybe i'm fine with that

maybe it's okay to stop

[ampleax]

[ampleax]

genuinely so fucking hard to breathe in thjs house i just want to end it already