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AT's Public Anxiety Journal #1

Hey Tumblr. I just need a place to transplant some anxiety thoughts from my brain ATM, so if reading the very wordy, likely depressing stress journal of random internet people doesn't interest you, that's fine. This is mostly for me, for reasons I'll explain as we go. I admit I've never used Tumblr before, so for all I know this is wildly inappropriate: Forgive me if that's the case, I'm just trying to take advantage of the provided anonymity to exorcise some anxious thoughts from my brain meat.

I'm a 30-something guy with a ridiculous case of avoidant personality disorder. For the uninitiated: Have you ever had trouble sleeping or focusing because of an intensely stressful thought or life situation, especially a social worry? Did you wish you could just tune it out and occupy your brain with anything else? I have made the Faustian bargain that allows me to do just that! Are you jealous?

The downside is that the more you do it, the more it becomes a regular coping mechanism, then a habit, then a compulsive behavior, and finally - if unchecked for a decade and you reach your final form as I have - a completely automatic process.

For example: My car needs a bit of work done. It has needed this for years now - I'm pretty confident it's the alternator. Occasionally I go to turn it on and the battery is dead, and I have to Uber to AutoZone, pick up a $300 battery and some tools, replace the battery, and then I have a few months to get it to the shop before the battery will die again.

But you know, auto repairs are pricey, and that's stressful. Being without a car for a period of time is stressful. Checking your account balance to see if you can afford the work is stressful. So I replace my battery, I decide 'I can deal with this tomorrow' - and I put it out of mind.

For the next couple of months, occasionally I'll have the thought: "Oh right, I need to get that work done on my car!" and the immediate and intense wave of shame that follows from not having done this very simple task for years now is so overbearing that my brain just... pushes it back and away. If you were to catch me at this moment and ask, "Hey, have you thought about your car recently?" I would absolutely say yes - I would remember the internal monologue I'd just been through... But if no outside force acts upon me, it's like I can no longer call it to memory. It gets repressed before I even have a chance to assess whether I have time and funds to do it.

This is a bit of an odd example, because most people know AVPD as being related to social anxiety - and it is - but it reaches out to every stressor in my life - avoidance is one of the most common coping mechanisms for stress of all kinds.

But heck, for social situations: I've gone literal years without checking my text messages or voicemail. My phone rings, I see it's a relative who's tried to call me three times this week and instantly I'm infused with shame for never answering when they call - it's been so long, and they just want to hear from me... And the shame is so intense that I reflexively silence the phone, toss it away, and withdraw into a daydream or a youtube video or a mindless video game. Anything that pulls my attention away from the source of stress.

The obvious problem is that stressors and sources of shame don't tend to go away when you ignore them - they tend to get worse. And as they get worse, so does the shame of not having completed these simple tasks, which makes the automatic reflex to suppress them that much stronger.

On the one hand, I have trained my brain to deal with any and all stressors in a way that eliminates the stress.

On the other hand, I have trained my brain to do nothing about the sources of stress in my life.

So here I sit: I'm about to have to move on the 23rd. I've filled out an application for a new apartment, but my credit score is super low because I ignored a bunch of calls from my creditors when my debit card changed and my autopay failed - I ignored them for so long that they went into collections, despite having the money to pay them, because it was stressful to deal with. So hopefully that doesn't make it impossible to find a place.

My car's battery has officially died again, and now in addition to other moving expenses I really need to replace one of its tires and get the alternator fixed, but I'm on a really tight timeline - I need to get my things to storage or to a new apartment pronto.

I'm out of medication, but once again I've missed pharmacy hours because taking an uber and being in a car with a stranger makes me want to die.

My family are concerned, but I don't want to burden them with my depressive and anxious worries when they have their own thing going on.

On Monday I call the apartment place and talk to the lady who handles my application and try to show her that I have bad credit, but I'm always on time with rent and I have the money to cover my debts, I just can't handle making all the phone calls needed to track down who I now owe money to (since collection agencies have shuffled it around).

Before then, I need to get a new battery and take my dog to the vet to make sure his shots are up to date so the new apartment can give him the okay stamp.

Before then, I need to get my stuff to storage and get my medication.

And all of these are going to take a lot of phone calls - the bane of my existence. I admit it feels so self-absorbed to say "I can't handle making phone calls", as if the person on the other end of the line is judging me rather than just... doing their job, talking to tens or hundreds of random people a day that they don't remember... And yet it's true.

With all that said, lists help. As does forcing myself to focus on what's stressing me rather than pushing it down - hence this post.

Wish me luck, Tumblr.