anearnestmansramblings

[anearnestmansramblings]

Intricate lace

Unravel my web of lies with a single look, a single touch, a single breath. I'll pick up the strings, twisting and turning, tangling us together until we're knotted as one. I'll stay stuck until you kiss me softly and say it's time to go. Untie the strings of my dress and watch it slip off my shoulders like it does in the movies, slouching and folding until it reaches the ground.

Grab my waist, watch me melt in front of your eyes, in your arms, like a heatwave struck our bedroom alone. Ravish me with just a look, make me weak in the knees. Run your fingers up the lace of my lingerie. Move softly and slowly, caress every inch. Feel the petals of the flowers, circling each and every one, , let them guide you on this unknown path you travel. Let them be your friend.

Love me tender, love me sweet, replaying in your head like a record stuck on loop. Feel the warmth of my love in every breath I take. Love me until the end and cover me in lace.

[anearnestmansramblings]

scars

My eyes are covered in scars 

My blood’s turning to tar

All here as bones and flesh

We don’t know where we are

I’m coughing up maggots 

Water is pooling in my lungs

My skin is turning to rot

The bells have already been rung

Left alone for all of time

Our bodies feel so bare

We are no longer in our prime 

There is so much wear and tear

Some of us will float

Some of us will drown

God has proven not real

It is hell that we have found

[anearnestmansramblings]

i want to feel

I want to pull my flesh off my bones and see my organs fall to the floor. I want to hear the blood dripping on linoleum and the crashing of my bones like drumsticks on rawhide. I want to see carmine pool below me. This intricate system of a million moving parts ceases to be. That’s what I want to see. I want to feel the knife glide through muscle and the nerves snapping. I want to see the nothingness. 

I am the nothingness.

I want to feel it all.

[anearnestmansramblings]

I want the touch of another person. I want to feel skin touching mine.

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

femininity

i wash my hands until they’re raw

i soak my wrists in lavender

i keep my window open at night

i talk to the moon when i’m lonely

i sit in windowsills and hate the sun

i stay hidden in the shade 

i skate on thin ice,

i dream of drowning below 

my body cries with passion

i hate love songs but love love 

i recite poetry under my breath

i am talkative yet reserved 

i drink lattes in cafes 

i hate being alone

i love fields of flowers

and the quiet dripping of my tap

i love to swim in my hoodies

i hate the dust on top of my fan

i love passing cars and winding roads 

i hold ladybugs in my fists

i love making gifts 

i hate nothing more than christmas 

i paint my face for the world 

i am pitiful and sincere 

i hate wine and love whiskey 

i have makeup swatches on my hand 

my nails are painted and calloused 

i want to be clean yet feel so dirty 

i dance in the rain

i walk alone every night

i yearn to feel at peace

i love myself and wish i’d change 

[anearnestmansramblings]

sex.

It’s not soft and slow. It’s not romantic and sweet. It’s fast and rough and passionate and awkward. There’s no love behind what we’re doing, naked bodies tangling into one. Yet something still feels so warm and kind. First experiences and shared embarrassments. There’s something very intimate about the vulnerability. The nudity, the touching, bodies intertwined. There’s comfort in the trust. Letting hands roam, letting lips touch, skin touching skin in a way like never before. It’s not about raw emotion, it’s about raw pleasure. Two empty souls trying to fill space and time. Two young people trying to feel grown. Two bodies wanting to feel something, anything at all.

[anearnestmansramblings]

something about someone or something

i’d believe any thing you said to me. every word spoken, another brush stroke on a mural painted for the gods. i hung on to every word, every sound, every breath. every movement you lived had meaning and i wanted to see it all, hear it all, feel it all.

when i was a little girl i trusted anyone and everyone and they painted me with wisteria and rose. an acrylic masterpiece that ran deeper than skin, deeper than blood. i was no longer pretty and clean. i no longer saw faces in the rain and fairies in the fireflies. i could no longer look at anyone. i could no longer see anything. the colours didn’t swirl anymore, they were replaced by a tar pit begging to swallow me whole. 

then i met you and my bitter tasted of candy, i was engulfed in your light. i became forgiveness, i became closure, i became everything i needed. i became new in your presence. you were the beacon to a future away from here. you were my hope and my forgiveness. you were my nature and my nurture.

you haven’t changed. you’ve stayed the same through it all. like a flower encased in resin, you’ve remained perfectly authentic; perfectly intact. you’ve been undisturbed by the tornado that ravished the town i once knew. You represent comfort and feeling and acceptance and i hate you for it.

you will never again give me warmth like a  blanket from out of the dryer. you will again never represent safety like the booster seat i covered in princess stickers. you will never again give me the feeling of being seen that i long for time and time again. you scare me more than any villain from disney films ever could.

[anearnestmansramblings]

when i woke

when i woke up

i couldn’t breathe

i couldn’t breathe the night before

i couldn’t breathe the night before

i choked and wheezed and cried 

i suffocated all night long

i suffocated all night long

like the night before last

and every night that will follow 

and every night that will follow

starts to bleed into my days 

i can never fill my lungs

i can never fill my lungs

but not because i am sick

i am not sick in my body

i am not sick in my body 

i am sick in my brain

my head won’t let me inhale 

when i woke up

i couldn’t breathe

[anearnestmansramblings]

I still sit here in your bed

I still wear your shirt to sleep

Saying I love you with hopes

One day you’ll say it back

I’d hug your pillow if I could

I’m afraid your thoughts will flow

Through like knives in the coffin

Where I’m destined to lay -ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

How I Died

I died in a dark place

A stingy gas station bathroom

No thoughts to fill the room

Only cigarette smoke lingers

Smog thickens the air

Filling my worn out lungs

Lights tend to flicker

Casting an orange hue

I stare into the void

You can bet it stares back

The mirror starts to break

It can’t take the weight

I can’t seem to find god

But he’s been here before

He’s seen what I’ve seen

That’s why he won’t come

He’s peered into the abyss

It knows all his secrets

He’s too scared to save me

So he leaves me to die

In a gas station bathroom

I will meet my demise

But never meet my maker

God’s more cowardly than I

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

tick tock

Head in my hands

Fingers start to lock

I can’t live like this

So I stare at the clock

Watch the time change

Hands moving to tell

Stories by the hour

Saving me from hell

Knock knock knock

Here they are again

Always coming back

They are not my friend

The clock starts to spin

Time’s moving too fast

Something is wrong

Tonight may be my last

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

The Pathway

Meet me halfway

Find me in the pathway

I’ll break every bone

For walls made of stone

My body’s been ruined

You’ll find some glue and

Piece me together

We’ll stay here forever

Life feels so serene

On this cobblestone of green

Our special little spot

All our worries naught

We’re starting to get old

The air is getting cold

This may be the final time

But for now I feel sublime

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

home.

Ice cream covered hands

Sleepy car rides home

Collecting worms in the rain

Trips to the park alone

Screaming matches with knives

Flesh melted to bones

Cracks left in glass

Things that feel like home

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

The Casket

How many hands will touch the carvings

The wooden box in which i lie

How many eyes will roll to black

People I love are destined to cry

I wonder what’ll be on my headstone

Words left written on rocks

Ceremonies held next to puddles

Going home with soaking wet socks

The dirt piled on me gets heavier

Time to kill ‘til the casket breaks

Maggots don’t care about my scars

A faint rattle, my decaying body shakes

I can feel the trees feeding off of me

Going from flesh to root to trunk

I think that this might be the end 

Huh, who would have thunk

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

leech boy

I hope you don’t love me

Because once I’m attached

I’ll leech off your soul

You’ll surely be no match

I’m gonna suck it out of you

Like a fat, slimy parasite

I would never want to hurt you

You’d never put up a fight

Suck the sick out of your soul

Make room for flowers to grow

Space for feeling to blossom

Your beauty will overflow

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

Skin & Bones

I’m skin and bones

That’s all I am

Skin 

It stretches for miles

Covering more than you’ll ever know

So beautiful and elastic

Concealing the body’s horrors

Nothing can ever compare

But bones

Broken and cracked

Carved from the finest ivory

Then smashed with a hammer

A million little pieces

Can never be repaired

Soon bones start to crumble

Poking through skin

Tearing apart muscles

Leaving me bloody

Leaving me bruised

Suffering eternal

Such promising potential

Destroyed from the inside

-ℒ.ℳ.

[anearnestmansramblings]

❝I want to be loved for who I am and not who people need me to be❞

-ℒ.ℳ.