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Help I can’t do this

Help, help, help is all I can think of. Apart from the fact that I think it would be easier just to end it all. It is so hard knowing that all I really want to be able to do is lead a normal life, with a normal relationship with food and not worry about my weight. Well in reality I want to be slim or thin but have a positive relationship with food, be able to eat real healthy, maybe even a plant based diet or lean meat every so often through a week and be able to exercise again. I mean have the energy and passion for exercise that I used to have or even more. In saying even more I mean eating healthily and having a positive acceptance to my body which enables others to build the body they want through food and exercise. I know though the exercise thing will be a slow process but hopefully if I can get the food thing right my energy and strength will come back. 

Having the issue of needing to express myself and how I am feeling. I don’t know who I can talk to. Jason has his new job with his hours and if I start being not well he will quit. I however need someone to know how hard I am finding this at the moment. I can’t talk to Aileen as she has Eula and her own stuff. Plus if I tell her anything about struggling she may then not trust me with Eula, although I know I would never put her in danger. If I wasn’t feeling right I would not agree to be with her. Can’t talk to Tania as I am going to be helping in her class and I can’t let on that I am mentally weak, what if she then doesn’t trust me to do stuff. Can’t tell Mam or Dad as they don’t get it and although yes I desperately want to be with someone day and night I know they will not notice if I binge and can get away with purging. 

Sometimes I just want to cry not to be asked what’s wrong just be able to release how I am feeling through tears. They may not say anything and they may appear weak to others but for me they allow me to release the inside of me that is hurting, the inside of me that can’t cope. I just need to be held, need to be able to feel some love coming from someone. 

I feel so bloody huge. I am 8 stone 6lb this evening, I need to purge the crap I have eaten. I could then get myself don to at least 8 stone 4lb which would then hopefully let me wake at 8 stone 1lb. Or if I could purge further then wake less. But all I seem to do this past week is gain. I am fully disgusting. Would quite like to not be here at the moment. Was imagining in my head earlier that if it wasn’t for Imogen how I would end my life. Like if anything ever happened to her which I will do my utmost to ensure nothing ever happens to her, but if something did, I would have nothing to live for. It would be my permission slip to get away from this. What would I do though? Insulin overdose on top of pill overdose. Bloody hate alcohol and so don’t think I would want to face the disgustingness of getting that down my throat. 

However, now is now. I know I am going to wake up fat. I am fat, fat, fat, fat and can not cope with it. I can not cope with it yet I binge. Why? I desperately want to wake and not want to eat, or not feel the need to eat. Not have the preoccupation over food, not crave crap to raise my sugar. Not overeat. Fuck it I’d rather be anorexic. I remember the feeling of control that gave me. I was powerful with my mind. I could achieve whatever my mind wanted me to. I didn’t need to waste time on food. I didn’t need to think about it or crave it. I was afraid of it yes but now I would just not have it. Yes I would worry about the weight gain but I guess as long as I didn’t let the weight go above a certain number I could cope. Maybe start with having my porridge (40g with water) and then work out a timetable for the rest of the day and what foods I can eat. I’m thinking berries (I love the sweetness, want to wean myself off but know will be more satisfied with berries than a vegetable) low in carbs and calories. Raspberries are best for that. and maybe some 0% Greek yoghurt the protein in it to help fullness and the 0% fat for obvious reasons. For dinner something more savoury as it is getting to winter some kind of veg soup that I could make at home or buy, ensuring low in calories and fat but will fill me. I need to shrink the size of my stomach so I do not want food as it will be full enough. 

I am hideously fat, I am so uncomfortable in my body. I hate that I feel the need to overeat why do I do it. I was kinda going to be OK this evening I wasn’t going to have anything for dinner as I figured we would be eating here and so I could get away with  creating something that was basically nothing, my weight was 8 stone 6 earlier and that would have went down by now. But Jason got a call out to London and then called to say we will eat at the Market Cross. We ate at probably about 8pm. I ordered the innocent sounding chicken and bacon salad, then bloody ordered full fat coleslaw had a heap of mayonnaise and salad cream. Purchased bags of sweets that were on the bar for the local hospice so frigging have then had big bag of jelly babies and some pear drops then stopped at Sainsburys petrol station and had a share size bag of Maltesers and the same of buttons. I am disgusting. I can not cope with me, I do not want to be me. I do not not want to wake up and do this again. I do not want to wake up fat, I can not keep doing this I want to give up. 

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12th July 2017

Wanting to hit self destruct desperately. Guess one motivation is wanting to look after Eula overnight on Friday. So don't want to be told I can't. Will be heart breaking and I know I'll lose it. Not sure how will get through today at all. Got to use the dbt phone coaching today. Would rather not but it's homework and I didn't Monday. Stopped and got a take away costa before getting on the bus to aileen's. Managed to let 2 buses speed on by but third time lucky. Just a matter of making sure I get it to stop at the right place now. And then getting my coffee cool enough to drink.

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11th July

Actually don't know why the hell I was put on this earth. All I am doing is killing myself. Constantly killing myself. I am unable to get let alone keep myself healthy. It's like my insides don't want to carry on. My mind won't let me recover why won't it let me get better. Why does it think that by eating ok the world is going to be so hard. Why do I get so scared of gaining g weight that I binge and purge or not take my insulin so that I don't. I hate that I want to get better because I want to be here for imogen and Jason and Eula and much family. But I can't or won't I'm not even sure which. I am so weak. My legs are in so much pain. I can't walk stairs without struggling. I can't run. My leg gives way so I'm too scared to try moving other than walking. I'm tired when my blood sugar is so high. I feel the need to vomit when I over eat and get urges to binge that I can't give into. I hate me

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2nd March 2017

Out of hospital full day. Second morning. Already screwed up last night. Great. What the hell am I doing. Struggling to cope that I have gained so much weight since being in hospital. Waking this morning I have a stone to lose. Taking insulin is going to prevent this so initially going to target myself to lose half a stone. Really hoping some more comes off from water retention but not sure if there is still more left. Taking water tablet got yesterday. Took senakot, think that's how it is spelt, last night and have managed to go this morning. Sure should be more but is a start as haven't since Saturday. Bought something called kilo off yesterday which should somehow flush my system whether it works is a different story. My insomniac tendencies at the moment had me up from about half 3. Not in a motivational way to do stuff so am chilling with the tv. Taken insulin though, even novorapid which would take with my porridge but figured taking now will mean sugar should be grand this morning. Will decide if want or need my porridge later at breakfast time. Got to wash my hair this morning. The thought is making me want to change the days plans and just stay in. The idea of getting dressed is fulling me with dread as again not going to be able to fit into my clothes. Hate it. Got to use my dbt skills. Had text conversation which is actually easier than talking with Jason last night and splitting was actually mentioned in a serious way. I actually am beginning to think it would be a good idea. Am sure would cope and actually be able to make steps forward. Guess we will have to see. If we did I would just hope I would be able to afford everything I needed. Bloody missed meeting with Carol yesterday and am gutted. Want to go back to pilates but not while bloated and ridiculously wobbly. Head at the moment is like a cage full of proper negativity and intrusive thoughts.

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19th February

Struggling. Struggling with my head and trying to stay positive. Was really bad the other day think Friday but as days just merge I could be wrong. Was verging suicidal which is such a horrific feeling. Today I felt so nauseous earlier yet rather than this allowing me to restrict nope I go binge and then to top it off can't purge it. Well if I had been trying for ages I probably could but just couldn't muster the energy or want. I just want sugar level to kill the calories so here is hoping. May need to have some more high sugar stuff. Even writing this I can here how ill it sounds. I know I am literally killing myself and I have a beautiful clever little girl who I need to be here for. I love her with all my heart. Worried new meds aerial starting to negatively affect my back ground mood. Am also concerned that I do not know myself as Jason often making out I have spoken with an attitude which I thought I knew I wasn't doing. Would love life to be simple.

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14th February 2017

Kidstime day in Flitwick today. Have Helen, Beth and Alex a lift got little lost as in put totally wrong town into the sat Nov to begin with. Took part in the Flitwick Youth Hub which is a wee building used as a wee youth club type place I think and Jesus Christ was so bloody cold. Thankfully I had the big jumper I had worn to London on Sunday in the boot of my car as I don't think I would have managed the whole day there without it. Imogen didn't really participate with the street dance in the morning although i think deep down she wanted to. Towards the end of the morning when the dance was being put together she with the two leaders Ashleigh and another lady joined in at the back and quickly learnt the dance. If there had been more people she knew actually wanting to do it I am sure she would have from the start. As it were we only knew beth and Alex both of whom did not want to do it. Was impressed when she did it. After lunch a dad I recognise from Dunstable Icknield was teaching the African Drumming Class. He was so good with the children, everyone enjoyed it. He followed the drums with didgeridoo's. He made it look ridiculously easy. But er no one else did.

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Kidstime African Drum Class

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This is how I started to get back on track // follow me for my process!

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Body Goals 😍