anon-public-diary

[anon-public-diary]

[MON, 6:52 AM, 4 NOV 2024]

honestly when i turned off my alarm clock, i was kind of hoping that it would let me just never get out of bed. i don’t know what i was expecting… but i still feel like going to sleep and never waking up.

[anon-public-diary]

[SUN, 4:58 PM, 13 OCT 2024]

ominous bell toll

[anon-public-diary]

[SUN, 9:19 AM, 6 OCT 2024]

things haven’t been too bad, in actuality. i might have just been a dramatic coward in the end, but oh well.

[anon-public-diary]

[TUE, 9:15 PM, 1 OCT 2024]

a bit pathetic for me to say that i’d stop and proceed to write another entry, but i couldn’t care less.

i really dread what tomorrow will bring me. all i can think about now is the disappointing tone of my dad talking while he drives me to school, the questions my friends will ask when they notice that i haven’t read a single message yesterday. the joking remark of my classmate, telling me how i look shittier than usual. that tiring, loud voice of my martial arts master because of course the most mentally exhausting day of my life should be followed up by a physically exhausting day. my geography teacher asking why i haven’t sent my project in yet (and probably deducting my marks).

honestly, it all seems like too much. i can’t tell anyone, they’d judge me more than give actual comfort. why the hell have i committed so many sins at such a young age? the fact that i don’t know either is worse.

[anon-public-diary]

[TUE, 8:50 PM, 1 OCT 2024]

so, they found out.

it’s not like i was expecting to keep it a secret forever, but it really sucks that it had to be today.

though, there’s only me to blame, i guess.

i don’t actually read anything during prayer time, that what my parents found out. they’ll confiscate my devices unless it’s for school work, which also really sucks because this is probably the moment where i would need to use this stupid blog the most. whatever.

i’ve always had this train of thought that i’d keep everything about me to my grave, today just reminded me that that’ll never happen even if i tried.

this is just the consequences of having people who care about me. the fact i got off this lightly is a miracle, but makes me even more guilty, honestly. i don’t think i’d want to look at my parents in the eye after this. or any of my relatives. or any of the teachers. or any adult in general, actually. it’ll probably be difficult to look at my friends and classmates too, knowing that if they knew about this, they’d judge me relentlessly.

i’d hate to see the look of my homeroom teacher, who’s so passionate in our religion, realising that her student was just an awful human being disguised as a shy teen girl. i don’t want to hear the muffled voices outside of my room, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with their daughter.

there were more things that happened prior to this that makes this day even worse. but i don’t think i’ll have the time to tell you about it.

i should probably stop. i’m supposed to re-learn all the prayers right now, which is the only reason i still have this damn ipad in my hand. god is probably looking down at me in disappointment. he knew about all this, of course he did, you can’t keep a secret from god. and it’s probably better for me to learn now as a sinner at thirteen then die as a sinner at twenty and going to hell in the process.

i just wish i was allowed to dream a bit more.

[anon-public-diary]

[FRI, 12:08 AM, 13 SEP 2024.]

i don’t like how my school talks about suicide. (TW)

sure, it’s done so in a way to discourage children from doing suicide, but it’s spoken as if suicide is just edgy and cringy, despite it being a tragic consequence of humanity’s cruelty.

yeah, it does sound weird that a teenager killed himself because he was so scared of his parents getting mad at his test results. but what about his parents scared him? what did they do?

it doesn’t actually take a weak-willed mind to jump off a building.

suicide is wrong, obviously, and i wouldn’t know what suicidal people go through. im just sick of adults who treat it like it’s a silly joke, and then still expect kids to reach out for them.

[anon-public-diary]

i don’t actually know what to do with this.

exactly what it says, a diary but posted on the internet. or. tumblr i guess.

i’ve always hated diaries. too much writing. it’s only slightly better in text.

but i made this anyway, i know, im surprised too.

most posts will be queued to a couple days after created, so if the timestamps are different than the time it’s posted don’t mind it.

maybe vent-ish? i dunno, my life isn’t that bad. im just a teenage girl with too many thoughts.

…highlight on the teenage girl, please. even though i probably won’t tag these or interact with other people most of the time, i still think that’s important.