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Oh, also! we decided on a day for our "anniversary" lol. It honestly never crossed my mind because I've never cared enough in the past or ever made it to the one year mark 😬

But he brought it up and was like "since I said 'I love you' first, you get to decide between the two dates". The two dated being our first date and the day we became 'official' in terms of the whole bf/gf terminology. I picked the first date because I didn't remember the latter occurring on the say that it did. He happily agreed and I'm honestly really looking forward to that day coming up in a couple of months 😊 it'll be my first every one year anniversary and I'm excited to make/get him something

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Oops, haven't made any entry in like a month lol

Anyway...

My bf told me he loved me 😊

About a week before he actually said it, he told me he was fallling in love with me but was scared to actually say it. I told him I felt the same and that I wasn't offended if it took him a year to say it, I knew be cared about me and that's all that mattered. He finally actually said it and got super excited that I said it back. He said he may not say it all the time because it still scares him and again I told him I absolutely didn't mind. Although, he has said it more often than I was expecting. And increasingly so in the past week, so I suppose he's getting more comfortable. I told him I likely wont say it first for a while because I didn't want him to feel pressured into saying it back and he appreciated that. At one point though he wanted to hear me say it first so he just said "you know I'll say it back rn" so I did and it made him really happy.

Things seem to be going really well but holy shit does that scare me. I'm so afraid he's going to decide he's has enough of my shit and just end it. It's pretty irrational rn because he literally thanked me for sticking around as long as I have and for not getting tired of him. So it's pretty evident he has the same fears, but it's still scary

I'm trying not to think about it too much and just enjoy it for what it is at the moment. Because he makes me unbe happy. And I really do trust him. And honestly, he might be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's early yet but based off of how I've felt before, this one feels really different. I'm probably wrong, but I really hope I'm not

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Ah yes, crying while eating taco bell in my room. My favorite pastime.

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I finally get to start working again! I had gotten the job like 3 months ago but ya know, corona. They're open again and I start in two days!

It pays pretty well and it's full time. I'm happy to have a job but I'm definitely still looking for a different one. I would prefer a receptionist job tbh. Less contact with people than my current job and the potential to be closer. The drive to my current job is about an hour. I hate it.

But yay! Job!

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As for my relationship, things are going pretty great! I gave him the painting for his birthday and he LOVED it! I also made him a small sculpture just because and it made him really happy. His mom loved it and jokingly tried to take it lol. I still haven't told him I love him yet because I'm a little bitch and am scared lmao. But that's ok, I'll get to it eventually, there's no rush. He has been a lot more affectionate as of late, which is fun. He has always been quite affectionate but rn it's like x10. He keeps telling me how happy he is to be with me, how much he appreciates me, and how much he likes to spend time with me. Literally as soon as I get home from his place, he'll tell me he misses my company and how he's excited to see me next. I know it sounds clingy but it's actually really sweet and the way he conveys it is so sincere.

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Oops, forgot about this. So, some health updates:

Emotions sort of leveling out. I get to see my gyno in two weeks though, so that's good. My appetite is nonexistent and I'm worried this birth control might be causing it.

I'm using one of those menstrual cups! I got th Saalt brand one and I gotta say, it's fantastic. My cramps are considerably better. It wasn't super cheap but after two more periods, I'd have spent that amount on tampons and pads. So well worth it in the long run, especially since I got a good one first try. It was kind of rough getting it situated the first few times but now it's just as easy, if not easier than putting in a tampon. And no more pulling out a dry tampon that hurts like hell! Only downside is when I almost shot it out of my vagina while exercising lmao. Other than that, 10/10, would recommend it to anyone that experiences periods.

I've started working out! I've been able to keep it up for about 2 months now, which is the longest I've ever been consistent with it in a few years! I'm seeing some results and they make me happy. Whether or not other people can see them, I dont know and don't care. There were little things that made me self conscious and the fact that I can see change is enough. Plus, it has been a good outlet for when I'm depressed.

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Dream occupation: troll that lives under a bridge and shouts riddles at unsuspecting travelers

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Haven't been posting much as of late because nothing has been happening. Well, the other day my bf's mom asked my if they were to go to *insert country of birth*, would I want to come with? I had been wondering if she actually liked me or was just putting on a show, but this felt like a genuine inquiry so I think that's a very good sign.

Also, I finished my first semester back at college. I've been too afraid to check my grade because I has to turn in a bunch of paintings and I only submitted about 70% of them cuz depression. But oh well, it's over and I need to go to therapy.

Also also, I'm afraid I'm never going to amount to any thing. I have all of these ideas that may or may not work for a career, but I don't even care enough to try. Because what makes me so different from others doing the same things that I could be successful? At this point, I dont even deserve to be happy. I just want to be enough for once, ya know? I just want to be good enough at the things I'm passionate about to make it a career. But I have zero imagination and zero motivation because if I'm not going to succeed, it's not worth trying in the first place. I'm literally just going to be mediocre until I die prematurely in a couple of years.

I just wish I could stop existing. My life has done nothing but cause issues. I dont want to die because that would just cause more problems for people. I wish I never existed in the first place so people wouldn't even have to deal with my departure.

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This period, I decided to try using a TENS device! I always forget people use them for cramps and I already had one for my knee injury, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It seemed to help a bit while I was using it, but not too much. However, I didn't have cramps for almost two days after! I dunno if that's why, but I'm defi willing to try it again to see.

But ooohhh buddy. When the cramps came back, that shit HURTED. Ir felt like there was someone in my uterus just slashing away with broken glass. I couldnt walk or stand. They hit while I was painting at my easel and I just fucking doubled over, almost fucked up my painting .

RIP my uterus

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This blog is supposed to be like a diary for me and it is very quickly becoming just "here, let me tell you how much I love my boyfriend" lmao. To be fair, the only things I'm doing rn are paint, play Animal Crossing, and go visit him so, yenno...

ANYWHO

Folks, get yourself someone who tells you how excited they are to see you in a couple of days like the didn't just see you literally 12 hours ago. This mans saw me yesterday and was already telling me he was excited to see me the day after tomorrow lol. It's so wholesome and I feel so appreciated. I still have my moments where I feel like a burden because that's just who I am as a person, but it's a rare occurrence now. He never fails to let me know how happy he is that I'm at his house and that he doesn't want me to leave. It's nice.

I painted him a lil something for his birthday in a couple of days and I'm really excited to give it to him along with the other stuff. It's in reference to something in one of his video games that we both love, but I made it 10x cuter than it already was lol

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Also, I dunno if my body is adjusting to the extra estrogen or what, but my mood has been CONSIDERABLY better. I haven't cried in a couple of days. It could also be that I'm making sure to spend time in the sun each day.

However, I'm anticipating being punched in the face by my depression once my period comes around lmao. I've got about a week and a half left (damn, time really flies when you're not bleeding huh) so we'll see. Fingers crossed!

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So luckily we've realized I can still visit my boyfriend, as long as I leave at like 5pm. Not tryna get arrested 👀 this has helped tremendously. I no longer want to kill my family lmao

Today we were laying down watching TV and he had his head resting on me so I could play with his hair. At one point he rolled away a little to talk and just stayed there with my arm around him for a bit. Out of the corner of my eye I kept noticing him just staring at me but he'd quickly close his eyes if I looked at him. So after I looked at him a couple of times, I just ignored it because I thought it was cute that he just wanted to stare at me and I didn't want him to be embarrassed. It was quite wholesome lol

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I dyed the underside of my hair bright pink and it looks great braided. I wore it that way to my boyfriend's house. While I was there, his mom told me that I'm really pretty and remind her of either a mermaid or Tinkerbell. Gotta say, that's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten 😂

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WOW my mental health is deteriorating.

They finally issued a "stay-at-home" order for my area starting tomorrow at midnight. It doesn't mean much will change but now I cant go see my boyfriend. And I dont wanna be all high school-ish "omg I can't live without my bf!" But like, damn. He's kind of been the only thing keeping me sane rn. He's been the only one able to pull me out of my own head. Things are hard rn but he's been here for me. I've been going to his house almost every day. Tomorrow will be the past time I can do that for a month. Which isnt bad. It could be way worse. But it's gonna be weird too because since we met, the longest we've gone without seeing each other is maybe 4 days? Otherwise, we've spent most of our time together. I'm gonna miss him so much.

Fuck this, I'm allowed to be sad about this. I shouldn't feel guilty about the fact that I'll miss him. I know it's safer this way but fuck man, it might be a rough fucking month for me mental health-wise. Especially because of how badly my hormones are fucked up because of this goddamn birth control, which I still have to wait until the end of May to change.

I'm also really scared of getting this virus y'all. I realized today that I was suppressing how scared I am. I dont want to die alone. I keep reading about how you can only see one family member if they think you're dying in the hospital. And if they dont think you're dying, you cant see anyone. I read about a mom saying goodbye to her kids and husband as she was dying through a walkie talkie. A fucking walkie talkie. I dont want to do that. But like I said, if I get the virus there is a good chance I wont make it because of my health. Completely healthy people are dying because of it, so I'm probably fucked if I get it. There's also the fact that since they're running out of resources, they're having to make choices on who they give ventilators to based on who they think is more likely to pull through. What if I get it and they dont think I'm worth trying to save?I'm so scared.

I dont want to die alone

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Rant ahead:

Oof, times are tough rn. The virus is scaring the living hell out of me. Ya girl has asthma as well as scar tissue on my lungs. So if I get the virus, there is a good chance I'll fuckin die.

Also, I finally went back to school this semester. THIS FUCKING SEMESTER. So that's all fucked up. And I finally got a new job! That haven't been able to start yet. I was scheduled for orientation on a Monday and they emailed me the day before that they're now closed so they'll let me know when they open again.

Gotta love that I was finally getting my shit together and it all exploded. Not to mention that this new birth control is making me depressed as FUCK, so goodbye motivation.

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I want to live in these dresses

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Oh look, a post that's actually just about today's events. What a concept. Anyway, my boyfriend is a sweetheart and I'm gonna rant about it.

So this evening I had a migraine for no reason. We love that. I was at my boyfriend's house, so I just hid under a blanket while he was playing video games. He noticed me hiding and started carefully rubbing my back, asking me if I was okay. I told him I what was wrong so he turned off the lights for me. Unfortunately the tv screen was still too bright, so I kept my head covered. He offered to turn it around but I told him not to worry about it. I was fine under the blanket and didn't was to be rude lol

I was too warm to be fully under the blanket, so my legs and one arm were sticking out. I just sat there for like two hours. At one point I could tell he was near my hand so I poked him and he just held my hand and massaged it. And between his games, he would just squeeze my legs or arm comfortingly.

I know it's lame and small, but I really appreciated the gesture. He knew he couldnt do anything besides give me medicine (which he did) so he was just being supportive. He also brought me cookies for whenever I felt up to eating them. It was nice to know he was paying attention, ya know?