anoodleyqueer

[anoodleyqueer]

genuinely can’t stress enough if you’re in high school rn and anyone is telling you that’s the best time of your life they are lying. it gets better. hs is arguably the worst. if you can survive that you can survive anything. despite the horrors i know i’m always posting about i swear life is so much better as an adult

[anoodleyqueer]

genuinely can’t stress enough if you’re in high school rn and anyone is telling you that’s the best time of your life they are lying. it gets better. hs is arguably the worst. if you can survive that you can survive anything. despite the horrors i know i’m always posting about i swear life is so much better as an adult

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

Source: Critical Role

Mere moments before the Titania prison break 😆

[anoodleyqueer]

It’s me. I’m the problem hehe

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

You can't just casually mention garlic cock man and not tell the story that's against the law

Are you sure you know what you’re asking of me? Are you sure? Well, okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. This post is long and contains description of genital injury.

So as you’ll know, I worked three and a half long, hilarious years at an NHS sexual health and contraception clinic. I loved that job, and packed it in because the Tory cuts to the service meant running it became hideously untenably stressful, but that’s a story for another time. 

One of my duties at the clinic was to take phone calls. Patients liked me on the phone because I have a nice voice and I’m basically completely unflappable, and they felt happy to tell me things. A vital skill in the wang biz.

One day, a man called. This was not unusual.  “Hello,” he said. “I need to see one of your nurses about my, er, my chap.”

“Righty-oh sir,” I said, “are you experiencing any symptoms that you’re concerned about? It’s just a yes or no kind of question.”

“Well,” he said, and I instantly felt a dark and terrible energy pulsate down the phone.  “Well… sort of. But, uh, it’s not symptoms of anything, it’s just…”

I would come to regret what I said next. “Is everything all right, sir?”

“Well.”  There was a pause. I heard fidgeting.  “I got a yeast infection.”

Phew, easy peasy. Yeasties are easy to fix. I sounded reassuring and buoyant. “Well that’s nothing to worry about, sir - if you don’t want to get anything over the counter from the chemist, we can-”

“No, no, that’s not the problem. Listen -” he sounded serious. “Listen, I’ll just tell you what’s the matter, and you’ll see what I mean.”

This is where, whenever I tell this story, I like to ask the listener to play a little game with me. The game is “Where Would You Tap Out?”  I’d have already tapped out by going to the chemist and getting some Canestan.

“I didn’t want any chemicals on my chap, so I decided to go for a home remedy.  Internet said garlic was good for yeast infections, and I’ve got a lot of garlic, so I figured that’d be all right.”

I made sympathetic noises.  Home remedies for yeast infections are normal, and garlic is actually quite effective.  “Oh good,” I said.

“I wasn’t sure how much to use, but I figured, I have a lot of garlic usually, so I minced a whole bulb.”

The dark energy wafting down the phone intensified.

“I packed it all over my, you know, knob, made a poultice.  Packed it all over the head, like a hat.  But, uh, I wasn’t sure how to keep it on..”

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to scare him off by sounding judgemental.

“..so I just duct taped it all on. Wrapped duct tape all round it.”

Still with us?  Tapped out yet?

“So er, that worked, kept it on nice and tight, and I left it on over night.”

Over night. All night with your cock mummified in garlic paste like some sort of fiendish chicken kiev.

“But, uh, when I took it off the next morning, well… garlic is…”

“Caustic,” I said, before I could stop myself. “Garlic is caustic.”

“Yeah! Yeah, it is!” he said, sounding cheerful that I, too, understood the Way of Garlic.  “So I unwrapped my dick and, well, it looked kind of like… melted.”

I sat, silent, on the phone. Already I’d missed 6 other calls, watching them sail by on the other line while this saga unfolded. 

“So I figured,” he continued, the terrible juggernaut barrelling unstoppably through this phallic disaster, “I should probably exfoliate it.”

“Exfoliate,” I echoed weakly.

“Yeah,” said this abject human disaster, misinterpreting my echolalic expression of horror as hearty encouragement.  “So I had a look around the kitchen -” he was in the kitchen for all this “- for anything I could use and got my brillo pad-”

For anyone not in the UK, that’s what we call one of these:

I must have betrayed myself and given a gasp of horror at that point, because he quickly reassured me - “No, no, no, it’s okay - it was a new one!” before going on to describe scrubbing the affected area to remove the alkaline chemical burn that he’d inflicted on his poor, blameless cock.

“So you want to come in because of… this?” I said, assuming he would want a new dick by this point.

“Oh no, no -” he said, jovial again. “No, it’s all fine - it just, my knob’s gone all… well, it kind of looks camo print now.  I was wondering if you could do anything about it looking camo print.”

No, sir. No, neither we nor anyone else can do anything about your camo print garlic cock mistake.

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

my potion #MyPotion

[anoodleyqueer]

Happy Make A Terrible Comic Day!! Featuring Max and Chloe from the hit video game Life is Strange (2015).

I think Chloe would actually love Barry HBO.

[anoodleyqueer]

As , the United States, potentially heads into another forever war I can only think of this quote.

[anoodleyqueer]

What you should and shouldn't do about censorship in 2025:

DO:

✅️ Spread the word on all platforms that you have an account on.

✅️ Sign as many petitions as you can.

✅️ Call, email, and fax your Senators and representatives about KOSA, the Screen Act, the BEARD bill, the HR 9495 bill, and COPPA 2.0.

✅️ Call Visa and MasterCard.

✅️ Cancel YouTube Premium if you have it.

✅️ Find alternatives for YouTube and refuse to use it at all on August 13th and for every day afterward until they remove their age verification policy.

✅️ Save everything that is important to you on USBs.

✅️ Protest.

DON'T:

🚫 Submit any form of ID to any social media platform or website.

🚫 Comply with censorship regulations of any kind.

🚫 Let anyone tell you that this is to "protect the children." If they wanted to protect kids, they would release the Epstein files and arrest everyone in them.

🚫 Give up.

[anoodleyqueer]

[anoodleyqueer]

the cucks have unionized

[anoodleyqueer]

Every time I read one of those age gap posts the age where you're still helpless and being taken advantage of gets higher and higher, like 26 years old is too young to interact with older people what the fuck? I have lots of friends who were/are well into doing a PhD at this point. My dad had me at 26 years old. You're a whole grown ass person participating in society, you can vote and join politics, you can work, you can live in your own.

This smolbeanification has to stop, it's frankly embarrassing.