anothersuicidesunday

[anothersuicidesunday]

Im so tired of life.

I'm just so goddamn tired of having to care about everyone else but myself.

I cant even take a toilet break much less an entire 5 minutes to myself yet somehow im supposed to be 100% happy and always have time for others. I feel like i havent had a day off since september 2023.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Apparently we ignore our child now too.

[anothersuicidesunday]

I wish like hell i had a single friend

Anyone who i could tell how much it hurts right now. How it feels to look

At your beautiful child and truly believe it would be in their best interest if you were dead 💔

[anothersuicidesunday]

Another day, another hypocrasy.

You know, I have to hear all the time the negatives about me, my family. I'm well aware we can never do anything right. And no I'll never understand why he likes me or had a child and wants more of them with me when it appears theres nothing about me to like.

The part I absolutely struggle with is how one sided shit is.

Like say Christmas for example, our kid's first one she's 7 months old, my family christmas party and little thing and its "we'll pack her up and go home if x happens".

His family though get a free pass to do whatever they want.

My family christmas we have to drive 2.5 hours to i totally get its a long drive so 6 hours plus travel time is fair even if he does complain the whole time and sits on his own and complain if people want to talk to him. Dont even get me started on if i pulled that shit with his family.

His family christmas people came to our house for an hour and then all went to his aunts for 10 hours (30 mins travel each way) when our child had her last bottle i said "we cant stay longer than 2 more hours because i dont have anymore milk for child" only to be met with "that sucks im not ready to go yet!"

And thats after his grandmother got blinding drunk and started getting aggressive with everyone. Did he at any point in his family drama draw a line and tell me he'll pack our child up? No. Would we have had a massive argument if i suggested it? Yes.

Then we take a picture and i post it. He has his tongue sticking out cos he hates pictures. A friend on my mother innocently comments saying the tongue ruins a beautiful picture. I reply to say that i prefer the honesty of the picture to fake smiles. I think thats a good reply to not be rude but defend the choice. Not good enough, he wants to do a dick reply, i ask him to please not as he would not like it if I had done that to him. So he sends a screenshot to his family group chat knowing full well his family would do the dirty work for him. Turns out his siblings are blocked and his plans are foiled and it starts a whole new side drama. And the cop out is "i dont know why you are mad at me i didnt reply! Good to know you wont stick up for me too"

Like excuse me? The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch!

And the absolute kicker.

"I stuck up for you with my dad and Kerry!"

No you didnt, you hate Kerry and she finds new ways to cross your boundaries that include me, you are pissed off that they do that to you not that they make me uncomfortable by dragging me into it. Especially when "i took the day off work to make sure she doesnt come near you and the baby" but when she did i looked for you begging to help and you were busy on the piss with your friend anyway. And then knowing the usual that if i made a scene i'll be in trouble but if i do nothing im going to hear about it anyway i opted to just do nothing about it cos atleast its just you pissed off and not your entire family.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Another knife to the chest.

I have spent every single day from conception to today sacrificing everything for our daughter, all my time, money and sanity goes towards her yet every single time she has an issue it's apparently my fault? Like im sorry you spend barely any time with either of us and see absolutely nothing so that means i neglect her.

[anothersuicidesunday]

When he gets one single day off and spends it away from us playing games on a phone so it's just another day alone with the baby

[anothersuicidesunday]

When he gets one single day off and spends it away from us playing games on a phone so it's just another day alone with the baby

[anothersuicidesunday]

So fucking sick of always being the bad guy.

I get that you think you're alone.

But i'm the one alone with an actual baby i never get the day off from.

[anothersuicidesunday]

I am so completely over being told how I feel 🤬

"You forget what it's like once the baby comes!"

Well she's 4 months old and I still think pregnancy sucked Cartman's balls, birth is awful and I'm still in pain sometimes.

"Yeah but you'll want another one."

No, I really don't. I have one perfect baby whom I love more than life itself but if it was completely up to me I fully understand that I find her overwhelming sometimes and don't want another at all.

"Yeah but you said you wanted none and now you have one so now you'll have more"

Well actually no, I just had no desire to be a single mother to a baby with a deadbeat dad. And I was getting older and accepting that I might not find someone who was worth it. I found someone worthy and now I have a kid with him. And I'm only agreeing to one more as a compromise because I wanted one and he wanted three so the compromise is two.

What they also dont realise is I had such a horrible experience that I had to have a serious discussion with my partner that if he does want another one I'd rather do it again straight away cos if I ever got my body back to a point where I felt good 95% of the time I would not go back through it again.

You DO NOT FORGET what you went through, you just decide you dont care cos you want more.

[anothersuicidesunday]

I fucking love being ignored 😒

[anothersuicidesunday]

When you become a mum, people's consideration tolorance for you is 6 weeks. Once you pass that 6 week check from your doctor, thats when everything you feel doesnt matter anymore. That's when you're supposed to cater to everyones needs no questions asked. He's not going to offer to take the baby so you can eat, and if you ask him to he's going to say "just put them down, it wont hurt them to cry a bit" because no one considers it hurts you to hear them cry. Or ask them to watch them so you can shower is going to be "why arent you taking her in the shower with you?" Because god forbid I have 5 minutes to even wash myself. When the novelty of having a baby is worn off for them all bets are off. When you've made me feel like you dont even like me as a human being and the baby is okay so I sneak off to cry alone and you decide to come find me and you dont deny it and instead you tell me "I'm a mum now i cant just go off on my own" even though you're a dad and should be perfectly capable to take care of the baby too? Its not like i left her completely alone in the house with a dog for a babysitter like peter pan! And I carry all this alone and you still have the audacity to say you dont feel wanted because i dont make time for you. When if you helped me, id probably feel like id want to spend time with you. But since the baby is the only one that shows me any affection at all every day all day, why would i want to leave her?

[anothersuicidesunday]

I used to have so much respect for the police.

I would legit say "I couldn't do thier job knowing the court system is going to fail them"

And when people say they were all corrupt because they know whats happening around them and do nothing to stop it i'd say "well if they do they ruin their career and you have no good people left at all"

I realise i was completely wrong. The police force is complacent as a whole. Even the ones that "wanna help people" will turn around and help the wrong ones get into the police force to have more complacency.

It's so funny because I spent all this time thinking you were so much better than me and I should be more like you but that was so stupid! Now don't get me wrong I dont think im better, I know exactly what I am, i'm still good for nothing, broken, too smart for my own good, wildly erratic and despite having plenty of good role models on how not to raise kids still wont be a great parent either. And have no trust in anything. But that's atleast normal for people like me. You think you're so much better than anyone, so much smarter than anyone, you're too good to let your trauma effect your outlook. Yet you pick and choose who you make excuses for. Like me for example, you wouldn't make an excuse for me. You were only with me because I was the only girl who had patience with you, had any sort of empathy for you when you needed it, now you only stay because I had your baby. You dont like me, or even respect me, that's why you can throw my life in my face everytime it suits you. But someone like your sister, she chose to do drugs with her friend, she has the free will to say no but to you it's still the friends fault because the friend supplied it. She's not dumb by any sense of the word. She knows exactly how to get you to do what she wants and to be honest, i dont want our kid to end up like any of us. We're all shit examples of the human species.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Well let's see, I think I survived 8 weeks PP without post natal depression. Though is post natal anxiety a thing?

Here goes..

So I got induced 2 weeks early and the doctor was fine with me trying a vaginal birth. I got an epidural. But you cant feel anything after so I dont think I did well at pushing, she did however get stuck, go into distress and I had an emergency c section.

Should I have just done that as advised anyway? Maybe.. but I've never had a baby before so I had no idea what to expect of anything. All I knew was recovery times were drastically different. My personal takeaway is this..

I'd happily be one and done with children still. I HATED pregnancy, birth is unpredictable and I got a really good baby. Why mess with perfection. Also though I got an easier baby than some I still have my share of mental load capacity which I need some venting space on.

So if we go back to the birth, I had my uninvited mother barge into the hallway, freaking out and pissing off nurses that took my birthing partner away from me to deal with. Upset 1.

Upset 2 however was that said birthing partner made me feel like it was my fault the baby got stuck. Which i was assured by the midwife was in fact beyond my control. There was nothing actually wrong with the vaginal delievery except that the baby wedged herself into my pelvis. Which is not where the doctor thought she'd get stuck. So that was the hospital upsets.

Being home is a journey. As the mum you care more about things. Like when she is in pain and crying, i want to find ways to fix the problems. I wouldnt care if i had to change the formula 10 times if that was the problem. He gets annoyed at me. So now I feel like I'm suffering with her because I feel as though I'm not allowed to try.

I'm not usually the kind of person who cares what people think but it's becoming really overwhelming to be constantly told you are doing something wrong. I'm not concerned with developmental milestones. I just want her to be healthy. Plus how do you expect her to achieve developmental milestones if her little body isnt functioning the way it should be?? In my head if we addressed her stomach pains she would be more comfortable and then be more willing to do tummy time or even sleep alone. But hey what do I know....

Even though I chose not to breast feed due to my touching aversion it's funny how you still feel touched out because even though he'll argue he took 8 weeks off work you still do 90% of the childcare. Especially since she started sleeping 7-8 hours overnight. I just feel mostly overwhelmed and it makes me feel even more so like I can't leave her.

He wants a physical relationship and things on his terms and I dont think he ever really considers how I might feel. And I dont say anything because I know he's just going to tell me he's been home for 8 weeks therefore my feelings are irrelevant.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Sounds like i better be prepared for birth alone..

[anothersuicidesunday]

Well, the doctor might be right that you forget how bad pregnancy and birth is but you'll never forget being 34 weeks pregnant with the worst pains you've ever felt in your life and your "partner" completely ignoring your sufferring. Hope your next girlfriend has a better pregnancy experience cos i'm not doing round 2 of being treated like this

[anothersuicidesunday]

Marriage and pregnancy have something in common, and that thing is that it's too late to go back and change your mind and people show you exactly who they are.

Now i still believe as a father he'll be good. But as a partner, i'm still not an equal. All this trauma is mine alone to bear. I'm the one sick, i'm the one vommiting, i'm the one on restricted diets, me again, being poked and prodded and the closer this babies eviction date comes the more terrified you are about birth and there's no easy safe option for you to choose. There's no way you come out the otherside fit and ready to go and that's the time I thought i'd finally matter, i'd finally come first. But somehow I still just dont and now i have a whole new thing to be terrified of. Im going to be tired, distressed and in pain and because everyone else is too selfish to wait 4 damn days you're not asking me, you're telling me that if i dont agree then you're just going to take my child away and out of my sight. I can't even explain how traumatic this is going to be for me. I almost wanna take her and run because it took everything i have left in me to make her, she's got every ounce of energy and strength i have left. And now I'm just nothing without her.

You call us toxic for our trauma seperating us to be able to love eachother.

Without realising your trauma put you toxically close to eachother where you're more like a couple and im just the incubator for this weird relationship you have.

No one is normal here.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Another week, another lonely struggle.

And we know i've found the whole experience so far to be extremely depressing in the lonliness of ways.

Where to begin...?

So week 26, 14 to go. I still have alot to do alot to be scared of.

Part One - Opinions Wont Keep You Warm At Night

I obviously have some female trauma as previously mentioned. So while for years I always knew if I had a baby boy he'd be named "Oliver Jensen" now my compromise when you add a father into the scenario became "Oliver Joseph" and that was okay but girls names I only ever considered Max. It wasnt a girls name and it didnt remind me of anything bad. It's what I could live with. Now this came up for discussion and I still hated everything so Max become Maxie because I do not like Maxine as a name and again Maxie I can live with. Middle names where a struggle i was even going to leave it blank but I decided fuck public opinion my guy is Gary Payton II and she can be "Maxie Payton" so thats the name. And I'm already sick of the court of public opinions on the subject.

My aunt made a maxi pad joke immediately.

My partners grandmother turnt her nose up and asked what the other opinions are as if it was going up for vote. Didnt like being told there were no other options.

My own grandmother true to form first got upset that my mother did a gender reveal in a family group chat. Then called the baby Maxine anyway and got pissed off when my mother corrected her and went on a tangent how we all name our children names we never intend to use and then couldnt accept that "maxine" is not going to be used at all, the birth certificate will say Maxie and be her legal name. And this was just another of her arguments for arguments sake cos at Christmas when she tried to look great in front of her friends she decided to announce she'd already brought soaps. And I said "thanks but I wish you'd have asked me because we've decided we would use a certain type of soap and lotion considering the skin conditions that run in the families." Which turnt into her losing her marbles about being ridiculous to wish that on your child (i certainly dont wish for it but i'd rather spend an extra few bucks on safe options than deal with an uncomfortable baby if they do happen to have sensitive skin.) And that my generation is ungrateful. So shes not speaking to me at all.

Which brings us to Part Two - the UNgrateful dead.

I'm definately grateful that people want to buy so much stuff for us. But sometimes it feels like you dont get to pick anything your child is going to have. Like people buy so much clothes that you feel like you cant buy anything that you like cos you have so many already or someone brought a baby bouncer that you feel like you now had to use even though you'd seen one you would have preferred. Or like my grandmothers argument over soap and feeling like you cant even have an opinion on goddamn soap! Its so overwhelming. Sometimes you really just want to say no thanks and get what you actually like but social convention bullies you into taking things and smiling through it. I get it you're excited but I used to be too before you all crushed my spirit.

Part Three: Give Me Novocaine

There's no 'one size fits all option' for pregnancy. But everyone still wants to tell you to do as they did and you'll be fine. It very clearly does not work that way and quite honestly my body and pregnancy just don't seem to gel. I've been sick since week 6. Its week 26 and I sometimes am still running off to vomit. So you get all the people who tell you what you should be doing instead as if you havent googled it yourself and tried the whole damn list. Some people just have to suffer through. There's no magic trick for them to fix it. Its absolutely okay to just say sorry it sucks for you without trying to demand your trick is the greatest trick of all tricks. I get alot of pains. Leg pains, back pains, hip pains, vaginal pains, ive never carried this much weight before pains. Again, i'm trying things to feel better, i walk around, do weird stretches, compression aids but you still have people who wanna tell you you're wrong and they are right and it grinds my fucking gears. Here's reality, if I walk around too much i get exhausted and sore, if I sit too much? Exhausted and sore. If i stretch something hurts. There's no winning in this game and I cry alot when I'm alone.

So the sickness thing improved, I've still never had a craving, i still dont have a good relationship with food all I know is that this baby in fact hates things.

Bread thats not white, bread crust, salad, cheesymite scrolls, anything deep fried.

Honestly quite alot of the things i normally would eat, plus the things doctors tell you not to eat. Its hard for me to eat these days and i have no passion for it now. So to face the high possibility to have gestational diabetes was crushingly devastating. To take even more food choices away from me is fucking hard.

So i'm completely alone again to feel defeated. No one gets it again. You just quietly go through the motions and it's hard fucking work. You're not supposed to sit in your scrappy nursery crying by yourself.