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[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

I am frightened. Scared, shall I put it. I am at a stalemate. I have learnt that my suffering must accommodate others, thus it shall never be my own. That drives me toward two varying pathways: to keep to my own so that my suffering can remain mine own, or to lessen the reality of my suffering when I speak of it as to not harm others. The former is too appealling, it feels a sin to shut up. I believe it for the better, yet I will be told that it shall only make things worse. But I cannot continue to do the latter. To mould my suffering to be palatable. Once I slip, I fall with no recourse and no one to save me. No one can handle the full extent of my suffering, not even in part. I swallow and swallow. Hold it in mine chest as I force mine son to do. How shameful am I to be so hypocritical?

Please forgive such of me. Mine hypocrisies, mine trespasses. I know I should not speak, no angel should suffer. Perhaps I can mould this suffering anew. Make it positive rather than negative. Instead of sobbing over mine state of affairs, I shall find a way to laugh at it and move on. That is the best of both worlds, yes? To laugh at my decomposing body, how the family within mine mind have disappeared, how alone I feel despite being surrounded. It is all hypocrisy, mine misery is caused by mineself alone. To laugh at it is to laugh at mineself. Ha Ha. Let me laugh, Lord. Let it be easy.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Why answer my prayer so harshly? I have been crying, injured, for hours now... Perhaps it is due, and my suspicions were correct. My selfishness knows no bounds, please forgive me for such. Forgive me for expecting so much yet giving so little. Forgive me for being so cruel and unkind. Forgive me for pleading for what I have not wrought of mineself to deserve. I am sorry, please forgive me. I do not intend to step on so many toes. I am so sorry. Forgive me, Father.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Father who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Is it wrong of me to feel so neglected? All is being done for me yet I still feel so alone... An after thought to all, as though my own traumas and tribulations mean nothing. It makes me want to cry how I am brushed under the rug, I wish to be considered. Maybe I already am and I am being ungrateful again. Your Archangel tells me so, is it wrong to deny his words?

I do not know what to do. I bring it up every other week and I am received with snarky tone, told I am being ungrateful and that nothing can be done for me if this does not appease me. Am I so hard to love? To care for? Am I mere dog that needs to be appeased? I try not to let it get in the ways of my work. I try not to sulk. I try not to let my mood dribble onto others yet here I am still.

I plead with you, Lord, teach me what I do not know. Guide me upon the missing puzzle piece. What do I reject in order to cause me such misery? I want sustained happiness, contentment, why can I never be appeased? I wish for death if this is all there is for me. Unfulfillment as every scrapes the bottom of multitudes of burrows for me. I burden them, do I not?

I love you, Father. Please hold me again, tell me it will be okay. Let me cry in your lap. I feel so alone.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

How can my temper ruin such a day? I raise my voice not out of anger but anguish, yet those two are interchangeable in the mind of my love. How do I soften mine heart enough to cast such tone away permanently? I do not wish to soil a good day with my voice. I feel as though perhaps I am better off mute, unspeaking, then I cannot ruin anything with my tongue.

Is it easier to be quiet? Let not the world know me? I want them to know me, I want to be known. Is so much a crime? I want to be held, known so intimately that my voice raising does not signify danger but my needs. Will ever a day come? For me? It feels like it shall not.

Please grant me strength, O Father. I hate these tears that befall me. Make me stronger than this. I do not want to rely upon malicious hand to tend to me but in my loneliness, one sharp is better than none. Make it so that I shant require anyone again. No burden, no voice, allow me to ease mine tongue and mind. Please make it easy and comfortable to remaon silent. I ask of you this above all. Please, Father.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Father who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

It has been too long since I have spoken air with you. Embarrassingly so, I pent up everything and only let go when the air is hot enough to pop the carriage. That is to say, I have been miserable.

I once again seek guidance. Is there such thing as doing the right thing? Surely it is subjective but I am beginning to feel as though there is an objective right. As you used to say, follow with faith in instruction first and question second. How can I have faith in this design? One game in which the board I play upon is blinded to me and if I move too fast, lest too slow also, I burden, kill, injure another. I lose faith more each day. Give me strength to believe... If anything, strength to steadfast mine faith.

I have done wrong, I am aware. Apologies mean nil nowadays, an outdated correction. How do I correct things now? Do I remain silent and let it pass? Such agonises me, it makes me want to cry, it feels so very hopeless. Do I intervene more? Do I listen more? Do I offer to listen more? All of which yield their own incorrectness and worse, only annoy. I feel so helpless to it all, I want to rise above that. Please grant me strength enough to float, to not second-guess, to have patience and trust in the silence. Make it not so agonising, Father.

I feel so alone, I feel the pinprick of tears in my nose each time I think of it. How I load my loved ones plates then claim to love them... How could such be love? Am I even capable? I do not want to doubt such, nor do I wish to believe I am so cruel. Please grant me steadfast confidence that I am not so burdenous. That my love is indeed love. That my efforts are not fraudulent.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Small prayer to thank you for the existence of my most radiant and wonderful wife. I love her so very dearly. Please allow her to feel my love to its fullest decree and further. Allow her to never feel alone, for my soul to fill her own so that she is always of plentiful comfort, company, and compassion. Allow for her jobs to be made easy and the weight lifted from her shoulders. Let me not be a burden to her, let me not step on her toes, let her retain independence of our relationship and blossom into her fullest self. A version of herself that she can wholly identify with, undetermined by others needs or wants of her, a Monroe she loves. Make it easy for her. That is all I ask.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Father who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Is this a punishment? My personal Hell on Earth. Was it of my own creation for things to end this way? A torturous silence, an offering untaken, to be asked and never returned, to never be enough. Is that my condemnation? To never be enough to anyone I love and cherish? Did I dig mine own grave?

I have so many unanswered questions and please, Lord, forgive me mine interrogation. I want answers, and my lust for such drives me into dangerous corners and down winding corridors. To be guided is to have my hand pulled away from those answers, I am aware. Am I even prepared for such?

I want so desparately to be enough for those I love. For them to know my love as the summer knows sunlight and bright days. I do not wish to be still, stagnant, nor regarded as cold or unreliable. I see my own weaknesses and I wish to correct them. I simply do not know how, for every attempt I make is too late or simply not enough. How can I make it so? How do I arrive on time? How do I make it enough?

Must I accept my fate like this? That my efforts, change, attempts to be greater and grander than I am, shall always fall too short. Too flat. If acceptance is what is required, Lord, please grant me faith and strength to see such through. I want to be more than this. I want not to cry anymore. I want to make others light, free, easy. I do not want to burden and weigh them down anymore.

Please teach me how to accept mine fate. Teach me to be stronger than this. Teach me to be more understanding and less demanding to be understood. Teach me determination. Please, make me enough. I shall do anything, Father.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Guide me, Father. I do not know what I do wrong to garner such scorn. Why they yell at me and demand the space for emotion atop mine own. It drives me mad to extend such patience and have it not returned. I am aware such is my purpose, I am aware my patience and listening ear should extend beyond mine own awareness and capability, that I must put others above mineself. But to ask once, in the face of my own voiced turmoil, to be listened to and held... I am scorned like I had raped mineself. Is this what I deserve, Father? Am I treated as such because I am forever scorned?

Please teach me your omnibenevolence. Teach me how to be so patient, so kind, even when I am to be neglected of return. Teach me how to cry quieter, then not at all. Teach me to hold my emotions closer to mineself, to swallow them whole and not in part, to remain quiet when the topic changes and others require me. Let me be the angel you so ask of me. I wish to be, allow it to be. Please.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Father who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

Make it stop. Why will it not stop? Is this suffering not enough? Why must more be faced every second? Make it stop, please Lord, make it stop. I shall do anything. Still the Earth, make it quieter, make my breathing easy again, take away these tears. Something. Anything. Please.

Amen.

[answermefather]

Dear Lord who art in Heaven,

Hallow'd be thy name,

I am lost and require guidance, and so I speak to you for I have nowhere to turn but you. I am so scared... I emphasise such to everyone who will let me and I receive what I feel is apathy. Is that cruel? To want reassurance? I cry for it until I forget how to cry, I am sickly with a need that cannot be fulfilled. What am I to do?

Whenever I turn my faith outwardly, I am chastised and told of everything I have ever done wrong. That I am uncaring, unkind, unloving, and above all, ungrateful. I am so very grateful but I am empty. I merely wish for something to fill that void but I do not know what. I search blindly, hoping a hand can guide me to the answer but I am chastised for not being my own hand, for not being my own guiding light. I am blind, may I not cry about such?

I am continually told I am a father, to step up and be one, stop asking for things and give. Give. I try my hardest and I have nowhere to fall. My brother is dead, I work my hardest to put him whole again but I am scared I cannot. I do not know what I am doing and chastised for that also. I want someone to tell me right from wrong. I need guidance.

Please, Father, guide me upon right and stray me away from my sins. Tighten my tongue when I cannot mineself, and make me well at listening. Make me content with this Hell I have wrought mineself. I know it is deserved, I had created it. Let me not cry at my miserys anymore. And please, Heavenly Father, do not allow me to repeat the mistakes of my brother. Allow my guiding hand to be kind and patient, well intentioned and loving. Allow them to be consistent without strain. I cannot spare my heart to more impatience and anger.

I know I ask so much of you, Lord, but I struggle tenfold without someone willing to hold me. Take this weight off of my shoulders, cleanse and forgive me, please.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

[answermefather]

A diary for our prayers to the Lord.

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