apacheattackhelo

[apacheattackhelo]

Shady’s back

It’s me. I’m back. It’s been a while. I honestly thought that I didn’t need to keep writing here, and maybe my emotions had been dealt with. Turns out I was wrong.

In the past I’ve talked about my best friend who I kind of have a crush on; well its back. I thought that I had given myself sufficient reason to quit the crush, but apparantly not. I don’t think an ultimatum is smart, because circumstances always change. The sad part is I know that my feelings, as complicated as they are, can’t ever go anywhere. Of course this is because we actually alread dated, but it is also because I have confirmed through a mutual friend that those feelings are not mutual. Now that sucks, and it makes me kinda sad, but honestly, I’m okay with just being friends. Really, I am. The sad part is my lonely ass brain is now taking every nice coment that they make towords me as flirting, and I know that’s not fair to them. I mean, they KNOW that I like them. Like they actually do. That makes things SOOOOOO much worse because now I am sure they feel akward, and I hate that. I think that’s about all that I can think of to write right now, but I’m gonna write down some goals.

In regards to this unwanted crush, here is my plan:

I am going to do exactly what I did when we broke up two years ago; I’m going to ignore it. I’m going to keep on being great friends with then despite my petty feelings, and hopefully they will go away with time.

Godspeed

[apacheattackhelo]

Girlfriends Boyfriends, Wives and Joyfriends

Don’t fucking ask about the title, I don’t even know. The jist is that I was on a call with my friend again, ya know the one that I still kinda have feelings for, and those feelings just went BOOM.

I think what did it was that we were both sort of out of it, and we both had our face cams on, but I just realised all at once how much I love them. Like not love them like a sibling, I mean LOVE them. I’m gonna go off here, but bear with me.

Everything about them is perfect. Their smile, oh that damned smile. Every time I see it, I get all jittery inside. Oh my god it’s the best thing in the whole world I swear to god. No, actually it might be their laugh. Oh yes that laugh, filled with joy, but also with a touch of emberasment and sillyness, truely the best. The next thing is their hair. They have short, dark brown hair thats not curly, but not completely straight either. Whenever its in their eyes, it’s just so god damned cute, especially when they brush it out of their face. GOD IM MELTING JUST WRITING THIS. Okay, finally, the facepalm. Yes, I know, it sounds kind of strange, but hold on a second. It’s like, when I say something emberasing, they will put their head in their hands, just leaving one eye peaking out at me, and it makes my heart melt.

Okay, I know that wasn’t written very well, but it is litterally 04:00, and I am just jittery with emotions right now. I can not stress how fucking amazing this person is. Fucking hell I just want to hug them and tell them that I love them.

Ight, lets move on to the logistics, the messy part. As you (might) know, said person and I have in fact dated before, it will have been 2 years ago this spring. That alone makes the whole sittuation complex, because as we all know, you aren’t supposed to date your exes. The different thing here is that I’m not really sure it ever really ended. I mean it did, they were very clear about that, but I feel like the feelings might have been dormant and just appeared as a really good friendship, which it is. Keep in mind that I do not know for sure that they like me back, or else I would go for it immediately. I do think that the feelings are mutual, though. The main reason for this is of course the vibes I’m getting when we are on calls alone with eachother, which is about once to twice per week. Tonight (or should I say this morning) was different though. It’s really hard to explain in words, but I’ll try anyways. Basically, the conversation started with a mutual friend daring us to flirt, and we complied. The conversation then went to weired dares and truths, and then evolved into a video call. From there we talked about how we found out about porn and sex as children, but that’s not emportant here. See? I said that I wouldn’t be able to put it into words! All I’m saying is that I feel like something is different here, this time, and we both feel it. All I know is that if against all odds they like me back, AND we get back together, I will not be giving myself the chance to fuck it up as royaly as I did last time. I’m talking holding THEIR hand, kissing THEM, getting good at gift giving for THEM, and improving myself as a person for THEM. I regret to this day how I went about the relationship the first time with a general “whatever happens happens” attetude, that Is probably what doomed it.

IDK, I might be getting off topic from my original points, all I know is, it’s 4 am, I have a massive crush on my one and only ex and might possibly be in love, and I do not know what to do about it. I am hoping to the god that probably doesn’t exist that maybe by some miracle they like me back too, because, all cheesyness asside, I do think I could legitimately see myself spending the rest of my life with this person. That’s all, if you are ever reading this, my best friend, I am sorry that I couldn’t tell you myself. And to me when I inevitably read this in the future, Comment on this post how it all worked out. Untill then, I wish you the best of luck, and godspeed in your romantic adventure!

[apacheattackhelo]

the lion, the witch, and the audacity of my feelings, bitch

Oooooooooookay here goes. So remember that person that I dated a while back? Y’know, the one that’s now my best friend? Yea, I might have a crush on them again. It is completely inappropriate and those feelings need to go away now. If they don’t, I’m affraid it might ruin the friendship, and that is the LAST thing that I want to happen. So as i might have said in my last post, im gonna spew off a list of things that i adore about said person.

Yup, they’re awesome. For starters, they are just plain nice, just the perfect balance of giving me shit and being a good person. They’re funny, nice, and pretty fucking cute too. Honestly the most cliche part of it, yet not the most important part is they’re laugh, god that laugh. Always makes me happy to hear, even in the darkest of times. See, the problem with my whole “i like them now” is that they like women. I mean they like guys too, but it’s basicaly all women, and last time i checked, I still have a dick, so I’m a dude. But finally, and this will probably be the longest of the parts, they just accept me! I don’t really know if this is a healthy thing, but they are never offended by any of the messed up crap that I say. I mean, I tell all sorts of messed up jokes, occasionally one of them is actually a bit funny! But no matter how far i go (or at least for now, im know for sure I could offend them) they never get offended, and that baffles me. I know I need to work on being a more wholesome person, but it’s just so hard to want to do that, with all of the positive response that I get from them.

Because of the ‘rona, we aren’t really hanging out in person, but I guess that wasn’t really happening to begin with. We mainly talk online, it’s basically a daily relay of memes and whatever is going on in out lives. But once every two weeks or so, we do video calls. Let me just say, I spend all of my time looking forward to those calls, they always make my nights better. Those calls almost always consist of them going on and on about how their day went, and what ever has happened since we last talked. Like clockwork, They almost every time ask if they’re talking too much. I always laugh to myself at that, because they just don’t seem to understant that I could listen to their voice for hours on end and never get annoyed or even bored. Also, occasionally, while we are on one of those awesome calls, I’ll take a walk through town, often ending up behind their house around 22:00. For some reason, it doesn’t creep them out, though it probably should, I mean, wouldn’t you be creeped out if someone just showedup at your house, even if it was one of your friends? It wouldn’t creep me out, but it would probably anyone else. They also get really concerned that I’ve made it home safely, and it just really warms my heart to know that someone cares that much about me. Oh also, to try and wrap this up, I love their family.

[apacheattackhelo]

pleasing the nut

Listen, this is a very sensative topic for me, which is why I’m writing about it, to stop it from being that way. In my humble opinion, nothing should be a sensative topic, and you should be able to joke about anything and everything.

So the topic of today’s rant by a sexualy confused octapus is the wonderful world of masturbation! (sarcasm fully intended) I personally do masturbate, as does most of the world, but that doesn’t mean I have the luxery of feeling good about it. As a teenage boy, I have this thing called a hyperactive sex drive, which I hate with a passion. You see, I am a ferm believer that sex should be reserved for those that you deeply care about, mainly signifigant others. I don’t care about waiting for marrage, just wait for real love. That is exactly what I am going to do, which doesn’t really matter, because I am never gonna find love, it’s just stastistically not gonna happen.

My issue is of corse the intense guilt, as I don’t really have STRONG feelings for anyone, so whenever my god auful urges get the best of me, I just wanna kill myself for an hour afterwards because thinking about anyone I care about that way makes me sick to my stomach. On that note, I am starting to have feelings for someone again, but that person shall not be names because they might might this post, and I am not going down that shithole again.

At the same time though, I made sure that this blog was private, so there’s no way in hell it will be found. I guess I’ll do that in my next post.

In summary, being horny sucks, and every time I commit that unholy act I hate myself for thinking about anyone that I know like that, better just go ahead and kill me. 

[apacheattackhelo]

Bullshit emotions 2: electric bugaloo

So this post is about my relationship, the one a year ago, I’m not in one right now. So basically, I fucked the whole thing up, I tried to over romantisise everything. Fellas, don’t do that! I waited for them to initiate everything, holding hands, the whole relationship, and even the first kiss. Holy crap that freaking kiss. I think at that point, I was basically constantly day dreaming about it, as creepy as that sounds. It happened at at a movie night with some of my friends. They rushed me outside, and then promptly kissed me. It absolutly shocked me, even though i had been “planning” it. God kill me, I can’t believe I did that to them. I feel horable, I mean even though they have said many times that it’s okay, I can’t help but think that’s bullshit. I honestly don’t know how the heck they have put up with me for this long. As far as I am concerned, they probably should have gotten fed up with me long ago, as I am not a pleasent person to be around. I’m an egocentric narsasist, I’m not funny, I’m very often an asshole, and I just have very little capacity for empathy. I spend all day in my room, the only time i ever really leave is to go stay with my dad and his girlfriend for the weekend. Even when I’m with them, I am an asshole. I’m friendly for a little while, but then I retreat into the trailer to do “homework”. I say that with quotes because most of the time I just want to be alone, not to masturbate you lewd frick. At least not most of the time, that is. And shit that’s a whole other topic that I’ll write about.

Basically, in summary, I don’t know why I still have friends, I am a terrible person, and I’m probably better off dead.

[apacheattackhelo]

Bullshit emotions

OOOOOHHHHHH BOOOOOOOYYYYY here we go again, its been a while since I’ve done this. I didn’t think I needed it then, as it was all just a ploy to get the girl (now person), but ill be damned if I don’t need it now.

So here’s the tea right, I didn’t turn some of my schoolwork in last night because some people convinced me to watch a movie. Now it’s easy for me to blame this on them, but as usual, since I chose to watch it, it’s MY fault. I have late spanish, choir, and computer science homework so I am pretty much effed. Normally, this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but I’m basically a straight A student, so any faulter in my grades means I am royaly screwed. My best friend, and god damn it feels wrong saying that, told me that I have nothing to worry about, and my teachers will all give me second chances. Well, for my sake, I hope they are right. A bit mushy, I know, but god damn I love them. That’s a whole other story though.

So basically, just a bunch of my bullshit emotions. I mean, my god I need to toughen the frick up and be a man. I should probably try to stop saying stuff like that, though, because I don’t really want to be messed up in the head as an adult. God emotions are weired, I can’t tell if I’m slightly autistic or just an ignorant bastard.

godspeed and good luck me in six months when i read this again.