apatheticchocobar

[apatheticchocobar]

life plan forward

so this is not working for me - i can't keep thinking of dates 3 months away and then hope that by some miracle i will gain the discipline and will power, that i never had in my entire life, to follow a schedule so that i will achieve my weight loss goals

still the same weight, no disciplined exercise schedule, still eating ordered food, barely any friends, so many nice clothes that i love but not able to wear them because i feel so fat in them, so tight

have stopped believing in myself

on a positive note - happy with the new house, much less depressing, more natural light, have space other than the bedroom, tasks are divided with flatmates, flatmates are nice enough, a little annoyed with cockroaches though

BUT

i feel so stuck, in a rut, just bed rotting and doom scrolling

started watching gossip girl recently, as an 11-12 year old i used to think, 'wow! they are so cool, their lives are so interesting', and they are supposed to be 18 year olds!!!

my life even at 23 is so boring, i want more drama, things to happen in my life, i want to fall in love, deal with heartbreak, do some dumb things, learn life lessons through life experience, stop living just in my daydreams

nothing too extreme of course, but a little bit

and i need to make them happen myself, put myself out there, get out of my comfort zone

i should plan what i want in life long term, 1 year from now, 5 years from now

personal goals:

stop hating myself, can't change like this

work on self love

be confident again i used to be confident during school years, i knew what i was doing, that i would be successful, didn't feel jealous of others, helped them out

add exercise to schedule and stick to it, learn to enjoy it

keep up with skincare, actually use the products i bought

start doing things i enjoy again

put in more effort into how i look, dress, present myself

stop waiting to live after achieving a certain goal, live now, this is life too

work goals:

do actual research - (make that analysis about what i did and didn't do last time)

be more social, extra curriculars

plan what i want to do next, if i wanna pivot to some other field or get a new job, research options, prepare for that

[apatheticchocobar]

2 years to this page…

But feels like nothing has changed

I’m fatter than ever

Depressed

Dread going to the office, just want to hide, don’t want anyone to see me

The little interaction I had with colleagues has also stopped

I guess they forgot that I even exist, can’t blame them I have gone to office so less

Just twice this year till now

I want to change

I don’t want to be like this

I want to be my true self, reach my full potential, not want to hide, take up space, have friends, do meaningful things with my time, improve myself, and my skills,

Getting out of bed has been difficult the past few days, and taking baths

I bought all these skincare products but I don’t even use them

The tongue cleaner and floss, glycolic acid,

I WANT TO CHANGE!!!!!!!

[apatheticchocobar]

4.5 months into the job

On the 2 year anniversary of this page, i would be a changed person (12 Feb 2025)

who would have thought having no social life, living alone, and having unrestricted access to money would get me to the unhealthiest i've ever been

i weigh 70 kg now :///

none of my clothes fit me, i hate having to go the office, i feel so uncomfortable

cannot let this get any worse

this is me at 22, its only downhill from here, imagine at 30 and weighing even more. this is just an invitation to all kinds of diseases

and i have been sick before, it sucks really bad, i don't want to have a life like this

and i would never have more time and lesser responsibilities than i do now

absolutely have to make a change

atleast the job is going fine, the people are nice

no friends still :(

[apatheticchocobar]

me next year

I’m at my goal weight

I wear a green sleeveless top and wide legged denim pants

On one hand I have a casio vintage watch and a silver bracelet and on the other a fitbit

I smell nice

I’m moisturised

I go swimming

I have muscles

My hair is shoulder length

I am confident

[apatheticchocobar]

solo date ideas

bookstore Bahrisons Booksellers Galleria Kunzum - DLF Mega Mall

library couldn't find anything nice in gurgaon :(

Different language libraries in south delhi https://www.reddit.com/r/delhi/comments/13ovdmb/libraries_in_delhi/

swimming Fitso Gallant

therapist

misfits (book club)

walking (eventually running)

exercise in room

cooking new recipes Jamie Oliver

kathak

guitar (buy and learn online)

malls Ambience Mega Mall

reading books

journaling

skincare, haircare

movie in theater

learn french

[apatheticchocobar]

almost a month already

...since job started

its nice i guess, i already know some people at work, only trainings going on for now

but i don't have any friends here, i don't think there has been even one weekend when i haven't cried about the loneliness

i don't have anyone to do anything with, i don't want to come off as desperate but my co workers are just that... coworkers

i resolve to try to do things on my own till i find someone, i will not become a sad person who does nothing on weekends just binge watch, eat junk food and masturbate

why can't i make friends easily, why am i so awkward :(

[apatheticchocobar]

apping

i don't wish to sound ungrateful, i'm very glad to have a job, to be given this opportunity but i don't want to live in gurgaon

it's just not for me, the safety issues, pollution, extreme temperatures...

i'll try to apply for more jobs and write my experience here, as mom said i have nothing to lose

first i need to make the dreaded resume

to be updated...

[apatheticchocobar]

trying

recently i have just stopped trying

to get something better, to learn something new, to do something even if i'm not good, even if i won't get anything out of it

this feeling that i don't deserve anything and i should be happy to have got what i did

that there are many people better and more deserving

i don't want to be like this

i'll try to get what i want, i'm capable, i'm deserving, if others can do it then i can do it too

be it a job, or any other opportunity

with this post i'll start trying

[apatheticchocobar]

last 5 insti days

i don't think i have ever been more stressed than i was in those days. just a reflection on what all happened and how i feel about it now 6th night starting with the attempt. we went to valfie, was so sentimental, cried a bit. went to a club after that, so many elec people. on the way there, we decided the degree is over now, no one was in the mood to go back to work on that last shit assignment. for the first time, i danced freely, well maybe not completely, but i actually had fun dancing in a crowded loud place. i felt so free. and also sad that it's ending, everything would be different now. came back, and was drinking aamras in the gymkhana, soaking it all in, when we got the call. it sounded unbelievable, i didn't know what to say or do, none of us did. we started running like crazy, in the middle of the road. somehow made it to energy, searched there frantically. went back to our hostel, tried everything

[apatheticchocobar]

(last) summer to do list

arrange room get rid of useless clothes/other stuff write yearbook messages check if any mastercard work remaining look for pg in gurgaon learn to drive scooter and car loose weight gmat prep go through all saved reels organise spotify finish writing the 5 days post

[apatheticchocobar]

is this it

10 days to go and idk what i feel like. definitely sad, also this feeling that i didn't make the best use of the resources i got. didn't do anything exceptional. didn't make a lot of friends. well going in i was worried if i will make any friends at all so at least i did a bit better than that but still. i've always wanted to do something big and idk if i'll ever be able to do that

[apatheticchocobar]

short term plans

what i can do now

to be updated

[apatheticchocobar]

some things i want to learn

dance guitar singing swimming gym driving french ice skating skateboarding makeup investing in stocks reading books skincare ADHD management badminton tennis kathak (complete degree)

[apatheticchocobar]

big dreams

i have these big dreams, one day i'll be a ceo, i'll travel the world, i'll write a book, i'll fall in love with someone while on an adventurous trip, i'll go to harvard...

realistically, they seem really far away. as of now, i have an okayish job in gurgaon and a very average transcript, graduating in 15 days.

i don't know what the future holds, but i really hope i get to do atleast some of this, that i get to take risks and try new things

i don't want to be 27, with a dead end job i hate, and getting arranged married to someone

or even if this happens, it's by my choice, not just because of circumstances

i don't want to be left with thoughts of "what if.." i had done something, but it's too late now

at 22, maybe i'm naive but i never want to stop being curious, open to new things, and enjoying life to the fullest

maybe i should start planning for the short term, what can i do in my job now so that these new doors open up

20 years from now you'd give anything to be this age again, have this time, and be this healthy

[apatheticchocobar]

to be bought list

my year of rest and relaxation

the bell jar

exciting times

razors edge

before the coffee gets cold

loveless

we learn nothing

girl, woman, other

rich dad poor dad

[apatheticchocobar]

the end of an era

i clearly remember going to my first offline class in insti, 302 (controls)

we were all wearing masks, took a picture in the end in the LH

was so wowed by how pretty the classrooms were, had sent the picture to mom and she was so proud and emotional

and now, it's the end. had my last class ever today. i don't know what i'm feeling. the graduating feeling has still not fully set in. but i do feel a little sad.

god knows how i'll be feeling on 10th may

We're only gettin' older, baby And I've been thinkin' about it lately Does it ever drive you crazy Just how fast the night changes?

[apatheticchocobar]

watchlist

MOVIES

The Wedding Guest

Lion

Wes Anderson movies

Madgaon Express

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Monkey Man

TV SHOWS

The Newsroom

Skins