apatheticdoppleganger

[apatheticdoppleganger]

The older I get, the more I glow down. Aging sucks.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I need a new form of language to be invented. I've thought so much, wrote so much, said about as much. Every words my brain brought to this reality feel like I'm plagiarizing myself over the years. How uninventive seriously

[apatheticdoppleganger]

Like, they're insanely hot, great dancer, killer smile, excellent listener, soft voice, supports actively minorities and social justice, cat (animal) person, great sense of fashion, and... For fuck's sake I'll never have the guts to go and talk to them, let alone initiate anything. Way out of my league there

[apatheticdoppleganger]

Rave crush is driving me mad. Like. How dare you come and stare at me, then smile with all your might and then leave??? MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THAT YOU BLUE EYED PERFECTION

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I wish I could curl up into a small ball and somebody would pick me up so often

I should stop wishing for things that won't happen

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I wish someone heard my scream. My real, gut scarring throat wrenching scream. The one I keep trapped behind my smile when I just want to level with all of the noise and disruption around me. It's not a humane scream, it's not a howl, it's not a shriek. It's rage, blind and pure rage I just want to let out that's banging daily in my head. It's the constant misophonia and sensory icks I've endured silently when I just wanted to throw fists and bite whatever was getting on my nerves.

I wish someone knew how angry I truly am, behind my calm mask. How hurt I can be. How lonely and worthless I feel. I wish I had someone with who I could share this.

But I feel like it's so much. I don't know if I can even bring it up to anyone without weighting them down.

I don't know.

I feel like I expect shock. To discover this part of me. Sympathy, to be felt more than heard. It may be petty but I want confirmation that this pain I'm dragging around is heavy.

I fantasize about spitting hate, rage, throwing tantrums at my hearts will, breaking down in tears on someone's shoulder until my body is emptied out of its water. Punching walls until my knuckles are bloody.

And on another side, I also wish I could laugh... Laugh and enjoy life the way I see some people do. Without this bitterness. Without this constant sarcasm and just plainly enjoy. Feel euphoric until dizziness, content in beautiful contemplative moments, satisfied for more than 5 minutes.

Fuck. Just... This. All this life is so tiring. All about constant. balance. Seeking like a maniac the perfect equilibrium to a point of it being unhealthy.

I don't know. I really don't know. I should ask for help, go see about a friend. But I've rarely met anyone who would listen. Truly listen to what I had to say without making it about them. I don't think it ever happened. And I'm done paying a shrink for that. Just done.

I don't know.

I just wish I was heard and seen more.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

You were and still are beautiful

That's very sweet of you to say. My body image is a struggle. Health and beauty are tricky to tie together sometimes

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I don't know really why I'm posting this. I guess in a stance where I can't really see how I look, I can still see the difference between the two pics. The one on the left was taken in October. On one month sobriety, 400mg of aripiprazol shot in my system causing a malignant neuroleptic syndrome. The one on the right was taken this month. In May. I still occasionally use during parties, but I do not buy anymore for my own consumption.

I guess I'm posting this so I can mark down the blindness towards my own state I can find myself in. On the left I felt beautiful, wanted and desirable. But I was pushing my body to its extreme. Few to no food, sleep nor time to lie down. On the right I don't feel as beautiful or confident. The weight gain is weighting (no pun intended) on me. I don't know why I don't dare to go see my friends as much as I used to when I was this diminished. I struggle to feel good. When chemicals aren't ruling my brain anymore, I find myself back in charge and it's fucking scary. I don't trust myself. I don't trust I'll blindly follow a path that'll lead me to more pains and difficulties in living. I don't know if I want to get in shape again, find a job, if it's only to find myself falling from my pedestal with no one to catch me back. I don't know really. I wish I did.

It's crazy how people have preferred the me on the left. Went out more to tell me I was beautiful, while I hear none of it at the state I'm at. What the fuck kind of twisted perception of the other are we living with? It scares me even more. I can't be trusted. People around can't be trusted. Everything's biased and we're just swimming into a blurry pool where judgment comes before observation.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

J'en suis rendue à un point où échanger sur mes idées, mes expériences est devenu impossible à l'oral. Les mots ne s'alignent plus. Mes idées et mon initiative de parler est tout simplement morte.

Pour rétablir cela il faudrait que je fréquente du monde. Mais allez fréquenter quelqu'un qui ne dit rien. À peine capable de me présenter ou bien de souhaiter bonne nuit. Toutes les "conversations" sont devenues des prises d'otages qui finissent par me vider psychiquement.

J'ai trop peur de reprendre un travail dans ces conditions. Je ne sais plus vraiment vers quoi me tourner. Je veux aller mieux mais ça va déjà faire 4 mois que j'attends ça.

Même ma diction écrite est modifiée.

Une lobotomie chimique. C'est ce qu'ils ont trouvé pour me faire taire. Bande de bâtards manipulateurs et escrocs.

Je suis bloquée dans une forteresse de chair que je parviens à peine à faire bouger de son propre chef.

Je ne suis plus le chef de moi-même. Juste un spectateur inerte. Coincée aux tréfonds de mon cerveau.

Brûlez les hôpitaux psychiatriques je vous en conjure.

Mes pensées ne sont même plus linéaires, ni arborescentes. Elles sont éparses. Comme des points sur une feuille perforés au hasard. Je n'arrive plus à produire de fil de pensée cohérent. Tout est distordu. Déconnecté de la réalité. Même conduire me terrifie. J'ai l'impression d'être enfermée dans une simulation.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I have enough to OD.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I keep thinking of this full tab of sleeping pills. And I keep thinking about it. And it's honestly all I really think about when I'm not thinking about swallowing each one of them.

Psychiatry fucked me up. And I don't know how to recover from that anymore.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

Roxy Paine: Crop (1996)

[apatheticdoppleganger]

Sorry to break it to you but you literally have to face your fears and slaughter them. Otherwise you will live a small life that you do not want. You literally have to view your biggest fears and attack them head on. You have to fall into the abyss to find your way out. The easy path does not exist. There is no get out of jail free card. You have to allow yourself to die a spiritual death over and over again in order to reinvent yourself into the person you are actually supposed to be. And you have to be painfully honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s horrible but it’s truly the only way.

[apatheticdoppleganger]

my social anxiety extends to the online world btw

[apatheticdoppleganger]

Some.thing are moving

[apatheticdoppleganger]

[apatheticdoppleganger]

I used to dream of jumping off that height. Now my thoughts circle around the swing of the blade into the flesh of my forearm.

Will I even survive myself.