apersoncallednever

[apersoncallednever]

someone was sitting there at the piano

playing a song sickeningly slow

and they said someone must dance to this

so I stood up

and I danced alone

and we laughed

and it was funny

and then you got up and grabbed my hand

and told me to teach you the steps

I said I already had

that we danced this dance before

and you just said you didn’t remember

and you looked at me

like you did that fall evening

when we had only just met

when you were already insinuating things

when someone else was calling out your name

and I didn’t know it

when I didn’t know what trouble you were

so I put my hand just where it was that cold night

laid gentle against the bones in your back

and your hand goes to mine

and I teach you the steps

and look into your eyes just as I had that night

only this time

I was the one who pulled away

who joked

who left you standing alone

and maybe I’m cruel

maybe I’m no better than you

but this was just a dance my love

that lasted a few moments

not a dance for what you called love

that lasted as long as you made it

so I’m sorry for the joy I felt leaving you up there

for not being sorry

for the sadness in your eyes

as I sat down

as I forgot the steps

as I left you on your own

because you taught me this dance

and I can’t do it anymore

[apersoncallednever]

the other day

you were talking in our group

and you said you were a compulsive liar

and I’m the only one that knew that

when questioned you said you were joking

said you didn’t know why you were saying that

said you weren’t a liar and certainly not compulsive

said I wouldn’t know anything different than anyone else

said we weren’t even that type of close

and all I can hear

is when you said you loved me

[apersoncallednever]

I creep around my own home

scared to offend those I share with

constantly on my toes

constantly whispering

and when I’m alone

I do not drink

or yell

or run around

I just sing

and take up space

and pretend I am more

but I’m not alone now

so I tip toe in the darkness

to a view of the summer storm

and watch the lightning

and hear the thunder

and pretend I am as grand as them

[apersoncallednever]

I fell today

I threw out my arms and legs to catch me

but they just ended up getting torn up

and my face still hit the ground

when I told you about it

you laughed

said it was the funniest thing you heard all day

cause I popped right up after

and apologized to the person I slowed down

and I laughed with you

with my arm still bleeding

my legs still bruising

and my jaw still aching

tears were coming out of your eyes

because it was so fucking funny

tears were coming out of my eyes

cause it hurt so much

[apersoncallednever]

it’s strange

to be missing you

because I know why I said goodbye

and I know it was for the better

but sometimes I wonder

what would happen if I followed you still

if I didn’t send that text

if I didn’t pull away

if I still took your hand in mine

and I miss that love we never had

but I can’t tell you

because we don’t talk anymore

and we don’t share secret whispers

and we don’t sit together in a world of our own

and it’s for the better

I know that much

but that doesn’t really stop me

from missing you

[apersoncallednever]

it’s strange

to say goodbye to a pattern you’ve learned

steps worn into the floor

now leading in the wrong directions

the faces never to be seen again

the conversations never to be had

but I suppose that’s all that growing older truly is

a game where nothing is ever the same

[apersoncallednever]

if I sit here long enough

on this long forgotten swing

will you come looking for me

beside the tired waves

will you find me

under the falling trees

will you sit by me

in the dying sunlight

or will you forget me too

[apersoncallednever]

it’s a strange thing

to be unknown

to have words and thoughts and feelings

but be nothing at all

there’s a loneliness in it sure

one only experienced by the faceless

but there’s a peace too

knowing no one’s watching

knowing no one cares

knowing you’ll never be known

[apersoncallednever]

he’s sitting there

hand on your back

saying he can’t stand beer

I counter

laugh about pale ales I’ve learned to enjoy for the buzz

I tell him I like the taste

you look at me

not knowing what to make of it

I’m just happy I caught your eye

he says he likes hard liquors

I want to say that I wish I had one now

but that’s too much too fast

in your eyes I’m still drinking soda

and in my eyes your with him

and I’m wishing I were a lightweight

but I’m knowing I need to drink a lot more

[apersoncallednever]

the winds of change are coming

can’t you feel them?

this is more then a changing of seasons

this is a changing of tides

of moons

of stars in the sky

the wind is telling us to resist the traps of sand

and instead be pushed by gentle gust

and I will follow it

for I refuse to be trapped on sinking ground

I will find new land

where the sun shines on us all

and I hope you will come and follow the wind

[apersoncallednever]

in the sun we forget all of our flaws

the ones we obsess over under starlight

instead we laugh and play and run free

like we used to when we were much younger

we forget the sin that is deeper than bone

the things we can’t even confess to one another

and we live without the weight we can not carry

even if it’s just briefly

even if it’s just in the sun

[apersoncallednever]

in the summer sun

I’m briefly young again

jumping and laughing

and crying and waiting

for something so much bigger

and it’s a beautiful kind of free

the one you don’t know you missed until winter

with its long hard nights where sun never shines

and I want it to be warm always

be trapped in a dance of youth

but I know fall must come

and with it the cold clouds of age

[apersoncallednever]

and in the land holding only electric light

where night looks like day

and day feels as empty as night

you are the only true star to show the way

[apersoncallednever]

in the summer air the land transforms to sea

the factories become great mountains

the cars become roaming beasts

because all is new and different

in this strange warm air

and nothing has to be real

for we ourselves are no longer real

and we’ll dance along to the sun’s song

that we once new as sirens and trains

let this concrete jungle come alive

let it become the youthfulness of summertime

[apersoncallednever]

with my tired hands

calloused and cold

I am learning to sculpt

for I need to see you again

I need to hold your face once more

I am forgetting though

how your smile lay on your face

how your eyes framed your nose

how your ears stuck out the perfect amount

but when I close my eyes

and picture my life

I’m able to make you again

[apersoncallednever]

and we called it art

Young and stupid

“The next great artists”

Fully believing it

So there we were

Onions in our eyes

Pretending to understand despair

Not realizing we already knew it

“Tears on paper”

Slamming our heads into walls

Bruises decorating our faces

Teeth clattering to pavement

“Blood and skin on brick”

Tossing empty bottles

Saying we drank them

Far too queasy from throwing them out

“Drunk on life”

Sweat mixing with love

Almost nude bodies we don’t yet know

Dancing to strange rhythms

“Beauty on us”

Thinking we did it

“The next great artists”

No one told us it was a lie

“Stupidity on youth”

[apersoncallednever]

it’s weird isn’t it

dancing around each other like this

while someone who knows nothing of what happened

pulls us together

you should have told them

but then again so should’ve I

but now we’re stuck here in this tango

both of us silent

both of us wishing the other won’t say anything

both of us keeping the peace

the only time we’ve ever worked well together

it’s weird isn’t it

hating someone you’re posing with