aphra7

[aphra7]

Danger v. Danger

My origin story is purple ponytail Butter Jungkook. I was hooked by the lip the moment he autoplay sauntered across my screen while I was innocently scrolling Facebook (of all places) and then YouTube suggested ON and one video led to another and the next thing I knew I’d forked $22 over to Weverse so that I could call myself a card-carrying ARMY. Literally the same day. And then Sowoozoo (Miami JK) happened and someone on Reddit was like “hey you should watch My Time” and I have been mainlining Bangtan ever since. But it took me forever to explore content as far back as the Dark & Wild era because when I went back that far, Jungkook was just so damn young. It was too weird.

Yeah haha very funny.

With time, however, I realized that my true primary affections lay with Jin, because Jin is total husband material, and he was already a hot grownup when Dark & Wild came out. Problem solved!

Not sure how I slept on this Seokjin. Forgive me, my darling.

I still love you, Jungkook. It’s just, I’m married now.

Anyway, all of Dark & Wild is great, but I have an inordinate fondness for Danger. First, it sounds like a long-lost Michael Jackson song, and I am an OG MJ fan. Second, the guyliner. So good. Finally, my absolute favorite form of BTS content is performance videos, and there are a million bazillion performances of Danger.

My original plan was to rank every performance of Danger, and I began that project, but it turns out that Tumblr won’t let me link that many videos in a single post and its UI sucks too bad for me to break what I already have into multiple posts. I might still finish someday, but in the meantime, why don’t we put the video for Korean Danger up against Japanese Danger and see who wins.

First up: Korean Danger

This video features members doing things that are things other members do. Jimin is boxing instead of Jungkook. Jungkook is playing the piano instead of Yoongi. Taehyung is cutting his own hair instead of Jin. Jin is wearing a muscle shirt instead of Namjoon. Namjoon is brooding, which is something he does, but he is also tattooing himself, which I cannot in five million years imagine him actually doing. Only Yoongi (basketball) and Hoseok (dancing) are engaged in on-brand activities.

The angst is so thick, it’s chewy.

Something is wrong; there’s a palpable sense of unease throughout that isn’t resolved. The lighting is mood and the stakes seem high. They are all suffering, but you don’t know why. You can almost see HYYH and its neverending cycle of misery* on the horizon.

They’re… in danger.

* Don’t @ me. I love HYYH.

The challenger: Japanese Danger

What is with this thumbnail?

I usually avoid Japanese versions of Korean songs because they weird me out, but I love that BTS often goes to the trouble of making separate, fully-realized videos for the Japanese versions. They look incredible in this. The lighting is better than in the Korean video. (I’m a sucker for high contrast.) The choreo is much easier to follow and the vibe (other than dance Hobi’s accusatory expression, seriously, I never want to be on Hoseok’s bad side) just feels different. And there’s a storyline. The underground club gang fight/dance battle subplot with Tae waiting fruitlessly for some girl (probably) to message him back is low-stakes, easy to follow, and satisfyingly resolved.

Also, how cute is baby JayKaaaaaaaayyyyyyy?

The club sequence begins with young thug Jimin busting the door open (I cry) and ends with Tae apparently triumphing in a rap battle. (Did Tae write this storyline?) It’s so good! There’s a happy ending! I love this story! Who needs girls? Not rap king Taehyung!

The verdict:

I realize this is a spicy take, but based purely on the videos, Japanese Danger is the superior Danger.

The settings are better.

The styling is better.

I can see the choreo better.

Jin is extra super hot in this version. It’s not just me, look at the comments. BACK OF THE LINE PEOPLE HE’S MINE

There’s an actual story instead of just “wow these guys sure do have a lot of feelings.” Not that there’s anything wrong with guys having a lot of feelings.

The climax of Japanese Danger is Tae winning a rap battle. The climax of Korean Danger is… he cuts his hair. Which I can’t take seriously because I watched the behind so I know he accidentally did cut his actual hair and not just the forelock toupee, so it makes me giggle every time.

The only better things about Korean Danger is it’s in Korean (I will only suffer through the disorientation of listening to the Japanese version for the sake of watching the video) and Namjoon’s hair. I love his edgy Japanese Danger hair, but I have a real soft spot for the soft serve/Marilyn Monroe look.

Who in their right mind would give Namjoon a tattoo gun?

I take no pleasure in this verdict. I’m Korean-American and never willingly admit that anything Japanese is better, ever, due to the traditional enmity between our peoples. I will entertain arguments in the comments, if anyone has any. But I’m not wrong.

헷갈리게 하지 마

[aphra7]

Butter at The Music Day, July 2021

This performance appears to be set in Albuquerque.

The cast is as follows, in no particular order.

Jungkook: (hot) park ranger

Namjoon: (hot) real estate agent

Seokjin: (hot) used car salesman

Jimin: (hot) sketchy strip mall personal injury lawyer

Yoongi: (hot) high school math teacher

Hoseok: (hot) trendy salon hairstylist

Taehyung: (hot) serial killer

I’m working my way up to a ranking of every Butter performance, but I’m not there yet. Until next time…

[aphra7]

Obvious interpretations of The Fact 2021 special BTS edition photos

You know I'm right about all of these.

In honor of the fact (ha, ha) that The Fact annually publishes what appear to be wedding photos of Bangtan, I hereby present Bangtan as wedding attendees. Thanks to @mahoneysuga for the HD scans.

The groom: He's used to being in charge, but although it is his day, he is not in charge today (see wedding planner, below) and does not know what to do with himself until the ceremony begins. He changes into the tux too early and wanders around asking the staff if there's anything he can do to help until the wedding planner (see below) intercepts him. He is the tallest man here. During the ceremony, when he sees the bride walking down the aisle toward him, he cries.

The best man: He's handsome. He's funny. He's kind. If you don't know anyone else at the wedding, he will be the first to appear at your elbow and guide you to your seat and introduce you to everyone sitting near you so that you feel at ease. He has the rings tucked safely in an inside coat pocket because the groom knows that he won't lose them, but the groom would. He's the one who introduced the groom to the bride in the first place. The only problem with the best man is that the bride's best friend is his wife.

The wedding planner: This man is extremely handsome and impeccably groomed, and is no less meticulous in his work. He has orchestrated this wedding down to the last half-second and personally overridden a dozen questionable choices by the bride and groom along the way. He applied blocking tape to guide the wedding party down the aisle with his own hands. If he has this half-smile on his face, you know everything is going to plan. If it is not, he will have a very different expression on his face.

The mysterious groomsman: Most of the guests at the wedding do not know who this man is. Everyone on the bride's side thinks he's with the groom, and everyone on the groom's side thinks he's with the bride. He is actually an old friend of the groom's, but he tends to disappear for long periods and reappear as if he never left. No one knows if he is single, or dating, or for that matter he could have a spouse tucked away somewhere he never told anyone about. Most of the bridesmaids would like to hook up with him after the reception.

The wedding singer: The bride and groom had to be talked into having live music at the reception, but they might have been better off going with a DJ. This man is outrageously seductive, and the aunties are all terrified they are going to find one of the bride's unmarried cousins in the back seat of his car at the end of the night. The maid of honor ultimately solves the problem by running off with the wedding singer in the middle of the reception.

The bride's younger brother: He's supposed to make a toast at the reception, which makes him very nervous. The aunties cannot stop gushing over what a handsome young man he is and how much he's grown since the last time they saw him. The groom's 13-year-old cousin spends the entire night following him around with googly eyes. He is flustered by this. He is too young to drink, but the bartender does not care and does not ask before serving him. It is definitely way past his bedtime.

The piano player: A bridesmaid spends the entire reception sitting on the piano and flirting with him, but he politely ignores her. There's a glass of whiskey (neat) sitting on a coaster on the lid of the piano just above his right hand. After the wedding singer runs off with the maid of honor, he matter-of-factly turns the reception into a karaoke party. He can play any song a guest requests, either on the piano or the guitar. At the end of the night, you find him leaning against the wall under a light just outside the service door with his jacket over his shoulder and a Zippo in his hand, thinking about lighting a cigarette. You convince him to quit smoking and leave with you instead.

THE END

[aphra7]

An analysis of “Perfect Man,” a cover performance by BTS

Official video: BTS - Perfect Man (Original by SHINHWA) https://youtu.be/AMMx1hOwH-4

Introduction

“Perfect Man,” originally released by OG Korean boy band Shinhwa in 2002, is an unremarkable pastiche of every 1990s American boy band song ever recorded, complete with familiar backbeat, utterly predictable melodic progression, and nonsensical English rap verse. Even if you’ve never heard this song before, you’re pretty sure you’ve heard it before. If you fed an AI the entire Backstreet Boys catalog plus “Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears and told it to write a song, but in Korean with an English rap verse, this is what it would spit out.

BTS covered “Perfect Man” in a televised performance for MBCkpop in December 2015.

Materials and methods 

For the purpose of this study, I reviewed every view and fancam of the December 2015 “Perfect Man” performance that I could identify on YouTube, a minimum of three and a maximum of (probably) 75 times. (See References.)

Overview

The “Perfect Man” vocals are indeed perfect, and the choreo is precise and characteristic of other BTS choreography, at least until the bridge. All of the members pour far more passion into its execution than the song probably deserves, but what happens after the bridge, when the performance unexpectedly and quite delightfully blossoms into full-on male exotic dancer territory, is solely the responsibility of one member. 

Comments on individual members in no particular order

Jungkook: For almost anyone other than Jungkook this would be his A-game, but even the most devoted JK bias would have to admit that for him this is a workmanlike performance. One would think that this muscular, aggressive style of choreo would suit him better than Jimin. He looks fantastic, sounds fantastic, and hits all of his marks with his usual precision, but this isn’t his stage and he knows it. I hate to accuse JK of phoning it in, but comparing his execution of the hip thrust before the first chorus to Jimin’s tells you all you need to know.

Jin: Jin, possibly the hardest working member of BTS and the one I want to marry, is tucked so far in back and shown so little on camera that you would have to know his voice as well as I do to realize he sings almost a quarter of the song. Considering how hard he says it is for him to learn choreo and the brute force of will underlying the fact that he never screws up, I’m annoyed. But I also understand, because ultimately there’s one member whose performance matters here and it’s not Jin. 

Suga: Yoongi, along with Tae, is only here to fill out the formation. He’s probably wondering why they bothered to mic him. That said, although listening to him talk you’d think he can’t dance, this performance makes it obvious that he dances just fine, it’s just not his “thing.” He starts having fun about midway through the song. I get the impression that he is fully aware of how lame this song is, and that’s why he’s laughing. Maybe he’s laughing because they’re doing stripper choreography. Maybe he’s just happy that Hobi got stuck doing the goofy English rap verse and not him.

J-Hope: Hobi, as always, is flawless. His dancing is precise and the looks he serves bitingly fierce. Unfortunately, you’d never know from watching the official video, which doesn’t even feature him during the rap verse. Maybe the cameraperson was also (by which I mean, in addition to me) secondhand embarrassed for him for having to rap lines like “Don't let the clues get ya, they not fear.”

V: I wondered why anyone had bothered to make a Tae fancam, because he doesn’t sing at all and is in the back for much of the performance, until I watched it. He’s the only member other than Jimin who sees the potential of the choreography after the bridge, but he’s not the center and can’t capitalize on it. Tae biases will be very satisfied with this fancam. 

Jimin: Where to start? Whether by simple accident of line allotment or by design, this is a relatively rare group performance featuring Jimin as the center. I don’t know why he’s not the center more often; when he is, magic happens. In this case, the magic happens the moment Jimin pulls off his jacket and runs his hand through his hair like a man grimly determined to finish the job once and for all, no matter what it takes. I would not be surprised if he workshopped this move because he saw, correctly, that the costuming was an obstacle to the optimal expression of the choreography. YouTube commenters wonder, “Why can’t I stop watching this?” but the answer is really simple: Jimin’s biceps. Don’t believe me? Just watch JK doing the exact same moves in a double-breasted jacket. The other obvious reason is that he goes for it 1000% harder than the song warrants, but Jimin’s bare arms are why this performance has been viewed over 117 million times. What a freaking genius.

“Perfect Man” brings me great joy. I watch it for the endorphins. I am really, really tickled by the fact that the choreo is straight out of Magic Mike and that Jimin saw that and gave us what we didn’t know we wanted in as family-friendly a way as any performance of a song this lame that is only two minutes and 21 seconds long and includes that many hip thrusts and concludes with them dropping to their knees can. This is the definition of understanding the assignment. Legend. The fact that the song is called “Perfect Man” is the icing on the cake.

RM: Sorry, Joon. I didn’t even notice you weren’t there until like the seventh viewing. 

Conclusion and recommendations 

They should make Jimin the center more often. And they should do this again, with everyone in short sleeves. Or, maybe not. I’m imagining a modern reenactment of this performance including Namjoon and his current physique and honestly, I don’t think armys could handle it.

References

BTS - Perfect Man (Original by, SHINHWA) https://youtu.be/AMMx1hOwH-4

60FPS 1080P | BTS(OT6) Cover Perfectman Most Viewed Video In MBCkpop 20151231 https://youtu.be/LYaBsHc1t6I

[BANGTAN BOMB] BTS (방탄소년단) Perfect boys 2015 https://youtu.be/SgVDQGbnxiM

151231 가요대제전 Gayo Daejejeon - 방탄소년단 BTS - Perfect Man https://youtu.be/sEcnVaqs3_A

BTS - Perfect Man performance (Special Edit.) 방탄소년단 [ 가요대제전 ] 151231 https://youtu.be/1t4vGPHVMT0

《繁中字幕》151231 방탄소년단 BTS - Perfect man (fancam) https://youtu.be/p3flFMzhDF0

151231 가요대제전 방탄소년단 perfect man JIMIN focus https://youtu.be/pl_39WIvMbY

151231 MBC 가요대제전 방탄소년단 - Perfect Man(JIMIN MULTI CAM VER.) https://youtu.be/rS27XxBg0n4

151231 가요대제전 Perfect Man JUNGKOOK FOCUS (ver.multi) https://youtu.be/NA25oWhNz5s

151231 가요대제전 방탄소년단 Perfect Man (정국Focus) https://youtu.be/Aex_MKWVoZM

151231 우리 정구기 19.99살에 찍은 영상 Perfect Man / BTS JUNGKOOK FOCUS FANCAM 방탄소년단 정국직캠 https://youtu.be/sw6tPV3yPGE

[151231] (PERFECT MAN) JIMIN & JUNGKOOK focus https://youtu.be/2juo5rDE-sQ

Perfect Man - [Jin Focus Edit Ver.] (Original by SHINHWA) https://youtu.be/X1nfZdbsv24

❤JIN FOCUS❤ BTS - Perfect Man (151231) https://youtu.be/mLBJWeqfiY0

BTS - Perfect Man, Yoongi Focus (mirrored) https://youtu.be/_jj1C7_9KwY

(BTS)151231 MBC 가요대제전 Perfect Man [J Hope focus] https://youtu.be/_g6qYL1yT0I

151231 가요대제전 ; 방탄소년단 퍼펙트맨 BTS Perfect Man (V. focus) https://youtu.be/CFZ8DdgxGeY

v4, 11/2022