archive-buddiedreams

[archive-buddiedreams]

buddie smooching💕💕

[archive-buddiedreams]

what if you were BISEXUAL and your credit score was ASS and your first boyfriend BROKE UP WITTH YOU and your seven year situationship MOVES TO TEXAS and you’re down so horrifically bad that you MOVE INTO HIS HOUSE and your sister is KIDNAPPED and you don’t even get to keep the DOG

[archive-buddiedreams]

7x05 / 8x10

[archive-buddiedreams]

loml | 3.9k, G, pre-buddie

Eddie is leaving him. Buck handles it... exactly as expected.

read here on AO3

Eddie joins him on the couch a minute later with two mugs of coffee, passing one off to Buck as he takes the iPad back. “You sure you want to stay for this? I promise, I am capable of picking a place to live.” Eddie sips his coffee, waving a hand around. “I picked this place.”

Buck scoffs. “Don’t you lie to me, Eddie. I know Pepa found this place. I’m telling her you took credit!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t get a chance to respond before his iPad is alerting him to the meeting time on Zoom. Buck shuffles out of frame, clutching the warm mug like a lifeline. Eddie and the voice of the realtor fade into the background as he lets himself just kind of… float.

Disassociating, Dr. Copeland had told him a while ago. He hadn’t ever realized that’s what it was, but as soon as she’d put a label on it, it made sense. It was particularly bad after his leg injury, when he’d lay in the hospital bed for hours and hours floating on pain medication and lose track of time, and even who had been there to visit. No one had ever brought it up to him, although he suspected they all assumed it was fogginess from the pain and the medications. It got worse once he was home in the loft, barred from being back at the 118, with nothing to do but wallow in his apartment all day. He’s not even sure how much time he lost just lying in bed then staring at his ceiling and feeling absolutely nothing.

It’s been a while, though. He’s been in a good place, or so he thought. And he wants to be happy for Eddie, of course he does. Chris deserves the world and it breaks Buck’s heart to be missing out on so much of his life like he has been for the last three months, so he can understand Eddie wanting to do something about it. But moving to El Paso? That feels rash, even for Buck, who has a clear and discernible pattern of not thinking things through. 

Although, it’s not like Eddie really has a reason to stay here, anyway. Especially not with Chris putting down roots in El Paso, making friends and settling in for virtual schooling, which Eddie had spent hours on the phone working out with Durand, since he didn’t want Chris to have to adjust to an entire new school the year before high school. The thought of Chris and Eddie staying in EL Paso makes Buck want to throw up, which he absolutely will not be doing in Eddie’s living room, while Eddie is on a call with a realtor. Except… He blinks, refocuses, and realizes that Eddie is silent beside him, and the iPad screen is dark.

“Where’d you go?” Eddie asks, softly, like he’s worried he’ll spook Buck. Shit. Eddie wasn’t supposed to see him like that. 

He shoots Eddie what he hopes is a reassuring smile and shakes his head. “Just zoned out. You get everything sorted out?”

Eddie frowns. “Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that? She suggested virtual tours, which… I don’t know. I kind of need to be in a space to visualize it, so I think I’m going to narrow it down to a few choices and take a trip down.”

Buck nods, just once, and sets his now cold coffee on the table in front of them. “Just let me know when you need a ride to the airport, I can drop you off.” He clears his throat, wiping his palms on his pants as he stands. “I-I should go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

He’s sure Eddie says something as he’s all but fleeing from the Diaz house, but he can’t slow his brain down enough to even register any words. He’s not even sure he’d want to hear whatever Eddie had said, anyway.

He spends the night deep-cleaning his kitchen, since he has nothing better to do, and resolutely ignoring his phone. He doesn’t even think about checking it until just before he gets into bed, and his chest hurts when he realizes that Eddie hasn’t so much as texted him. Except it shouldn’t hurt, or at least, he should be used to the hurt by now. Everyone important in his life has left him, so why would Eddie and Chris be any different? There’s something fundamentally wrong with him, and he’d thought for the longest time that maybe Chris and Eddie had seen it and were okay with it, but apparently it just took a few years for them to figure it out. Hell, his own sister hadn’t even stayed, why would Eddie and Chris?

Logically, he knows Chris didn’t leave him, specifically. He knows Chris is taking after his father and running from his problems instead of talking them out. It seems to be a Diaz trait, at least from what Buck has been able to piece together over the years. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though, and it sure as hell doesn’t make him miss Chris any less. It’s like a gaping wound in his chest that he can never quite stem the bleeding from, hands slick and sticky as he tries to hold himself together while half of his home is in Texas. 

Bitterly, he thinks that at least both parts of his home will be together soon.

Their next shift is nothing special. Eddie doesn’t bring up the move to the team, so Buck keeps his mouth closed and his words carefully trimmed so he doesn’t accidentally drop that bomb in the middle of their shift. He’s had enough bombs at work to last a lifetime, although this one might hurt worse than the actual bomb. 

Eddie asks him to come over after work, and Buck is weak, okay? He’s fucking weak for Eddie’s stupid brown cow eyes and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it, so his dumb mouth is saying yes before he can come up with a reasonable excuse. Although, if he’s got a finite amount of time left to hang out with Eddie, he should probably learn how to stuff his feelings down far enough to enjoy their remaining time.

“What’s going on with you, man? You keep zoning out, I hardly ever seen you do that. Are you okay?”

Buck blinks down at the now warm beer in his hands, frowning. He hadn’t even realized he was disassociating this time, much less doing it so obviously in front of Eddie again. “Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine. Just, y’know. Haven’t been sleeping well. I’m sorry. What did I miss?”

Eddie scrutinizes his face, and it takes everything to keep from squirming under his best friend’s critical gaze. “Talk to me. Please?”

Buck can’t help the scoff that tears past his lips, but he does regret it immediately. But hey, everyone’s got a breaking point, right? “Why? We haven’t talked about this giant pink elephant the entire time, why would we start talking about it now?”

Eddie frowns. “Chris? What is there to talk about?”

Buck stares. He can’t help it. He knows that Eddie hates talking about his feelings, and that suggesting therapy would go over about as well as a punch to the face, but… he can’t really be this blind, can he? “What isn’t there to talk about? Your teenage son fled to a different state because he didn’t want to talk about his problems. And I don’t know which part of that is worse: the fact that you’re moving back to a place you hate instead of talking to him about your issues, or the fact that you let him in the first place.”

Eddie has the audacity to roll his eyes, and Buck can feel a hysterical laugh caught in his chest. What the fuck is happening? “I don’t hate El Paso.”

Buck sets the bottle on the coffee table harder than he means to, flinching at the loud noise in such a quiet room. “That’s what you got out of what I said? And you know what, that’s besides the point anyway. You moved here to get away from El Paso!”

Eddie shrugs. “What else am I supposed to do?”

The hysterical laugh rips its way out of Buck’s mouth and he’s up pacing before he even consciously thinks about moving. “Instead of buying a plane ticket to move to fucking Texas, buy a plane ticket to bring your teenage son home and show him that running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything! God, Eddie, you’re so worried about not doing anything wrong with him that you’re ignoring your job as a parent. You’re supposed to teach him that this won’t get him anywhere, that he should be confronting his issues and talking them out, even if it’s not with a therapist, because letting yourself stew in bad thoughts is a recipe for disaster. You and I know that better than anyone. Be a fucking parent, Eddie. Be his parent.”

When Buck finally looks at him, Eddie’s arms are crossed tight over his chest and he’s staring at Buck with perhaps the coldest expression on his face that Buck has ever seen. Buck realizes startlingly quickly that he’s overstepped. Massively overstepped. He’s fifteen miles past the line and his feet are cemented to the ground, because there’s no way to shove his outburst back into his chest and keep it there, like the caged animal that it should have remained. 

“You’re out of line, Buck. He’s my child, and I will parent him as I see fit. You don’t get to tell me that I’m shirking my responsibilities, you’re not a parent. You don’t know what it takes.”

And if that’s not a slap to the face, Buck’s not sure what is. Because as wrong as it feels, Eddie’s right. He isn’t Christopher’s parent, and he hopes to whatever higher power there is that he never will be. He’s the backup plan. He’d known that, sure, but he’d let himself get too comfortable, because Chris feels like his kid. He feels like he’s been ripped in half this whole time because his son is in another state and hasn’t so much as texted him in the three months he’s been gone, despite Buck’s attempts to reach out. But Christopher isn’t his son. He’s Eddie’s son, and while Buck might think Eddie’s approaching it wrong, he has no concept of how a parent should treat their child. He’s had the shittiest role models, on top of the mountain of abandonment issues he’s got.

And that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Christopher isn’t his son, he never was, and Buck was always going to end up alone. Chris and Eddie were always going to move on and maybe be a family with someone Eddie fell in love with, or just by themselves. Buck was just filling a space for whoever came next. Story of his fucking life, turns out. Just filling a space destined for someone else. He filled the role of brother for Maddie, of son for his parents when he couldn’t save the son they wanted. He spent his early twenties being a stand-in for all the people he slept with, who probably went on to fall in love and move on with their lives. And here he is, past thirty and still stuck in the same spot he’d been at 26. Tired, depressed, and destined to be alone.

As Buck’s world comes crashing down around him, he sucks in a shaky breath and grabs his jacket from the back of the couch. He doesn’t bother looking at Eddie as he leaves. He can barely stop the clawing in his throat from spilling out in a sob, because he feels like he’s nineteen again, fleeing in a hand-me-down Jeep without anyone in the world to care about him. Except this time, he flees back to a loft that feels as hollow as his chest. 

He can’t figure out what to do to keep himself busy and, quite frankly, all he wants to do is curl up in his too-big bed and cry. It’s not like he has anything better to do, anyway, so he changes into his comfiest pair of sweats and an old, ratty LAFD tshirt and crawls under the blankets. 

He’s not sure how long he’s laying there before he hears keys jingling in the startling silence of his apartment. He doesn’t even know who he assumes it should be. Maddie has no reason to be here, Bobby even less of a reason since they don’t have a shift until tomorrow, and they didn’t have plans. It’s sure as hell not going to be Eddie, not after what he’d said before leaving Eddie’s place. He burrows further under the blankets until just the top of his head is poking out, and listens for any clue as to who it is. The footsteps on the stairs sound heavy, so that rules out Maddie. 

“Buck?”

Buck nearly flinches as he realizes it’s Eddie’s voice. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, he really doesn’t think he can handle it. He knows how far he overstepped, he knows Christopher isn’t his, and he can make that clear, but not right now. Not when it still feels like there’s a knife digging into his chest, stuck right where his heart is supposed to be. He can’t listen to Eddie tell him that he needs to take a step back, to stay in his own lane where Eddie’s son is concerned. 

“Buck?” It’s softer this time, like Eddie’s afraid he might be sleeping. He could pretend to be sleeping. It might get him out of the conversation, at least for the time being. He could maybe organize his thoughts enough to convince Eddie to keep him around, to still be his friend even after he moved to Texas.

“Buck, come on. I just want to talk.” There’s silence for a moment, then a couple of quiet steps. “To apologize,” Eddie corrects, and Buck can hear the frown in his voice. But… apologize? What does Eddie have to apologize for? He digs himself out of his blanket cocoon enough to peek an eye toward Eddie, who looks… well, miserable feels kind of mean, but if the shoe fits. 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Buck says, quietly, his voice a lot scratchier than he’d anticipated it being. Has… has he been crying? 

Eddie scoffs. “Yes, I do. I shouldn’t have said that you don’t know what it takes to be a parent. I’m…” Eddie groans, dropping onto the end of Buck’s bed heavily. “I was mad because you’re right, and I know that you’re right, but… I don’t know if I can do it.”

Buck shuffles around until he can sit back against his headboard, arms resting limply on his knees. “You’re not wrong. I’m not a parent, I don’t know what it takes to raise a kid, much less a teenager. I overstepped.”

Eddie turns to look at him, frowning. “You didn’t, Buck. I know we don’t exactly talk about it, but you are a parent to Chris. You have been for years, even if none of us ever acknowledged it.” Eddie laughs, though it’s devoid of any humor. “God, I don’t even know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there. It would’ve been a disaster if I’d been parenting by myself this whole time.”

He rolls his eyes. He can’t help it. “Eddie, you don’t have to lie. It’s fine. I get it. But you should go talk to him. I really don’t think he meant for this to be a permanent thing.”

“No?” Eddie asks, softly, almost like he’s afraid of the answer.

“No, of course not. His entire life is here, man. All his friends, our family, Carla. Eds, he loves LA. He just needed some space, he doesn’t need you to move halfway across the country for him.”

Eddie hums, a small smirk on his lips. “You’re just trying to get me to stay, aren’t you?” he jokes, but Buck can feel his face falling.

“I mean, of course I don’t want you to go. Everyone always leaves me, and I thought—well, never mind. It doesn’t matter. But if I thought it was the right move, I’d tell you. I wouldn’t lie to you, not when it’s about Chris.”

Eddie’s gaze snaps to him, and Buck can’t help but shrink. He hates admitting to his abandonment issues, but… it’s not like Eddie is unaware of them. After all, he’d encountered Buck in the throes of his abandonment from Abby. 

“Oh, Buck, I-I didn’t even—”

“Think about it?” Buck interrupts, shrugging. “I didn’t expect you to. He’s your son, Eddie. It’s not about me, and I’m an adult. I can deal with my own issues. Christopher should always be your priority.”

“You’re important too, Buck.”

“It’s not about me!” Buck scoffs, shoving his way out of bed to pace at the foot of it. “Chris is your son, Eddie. You need to be there for him, and you need to trust that whatever you think is right is what you need to be doing. You’re a good dad, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If you think you’re doing the right thing, then I’m positive you are. Whether I like it or not doesn’t matter. I’m an adult, I’ll handle it.” Buck’s shoulders slump as he sits back down on the edge of the bed, suddenly sapped of all his energy. “Chris is more important. I miss that kid like crazy, but if Texas is what’s best for him, then I’ll keep missing him. A-and you.”

“I… Buck, I need you to look at me, okay?”

Buck shakes his head. He doesn’t think he can bring himself to move again, much less see whatever expression is on Eddie’s face when he inevitably tells Buck to fuck off.

“Please, Evan?”

His eyes snap over at that, and he feels like he’s been thrown back to that hospital room again, sitting next to a very injured Eddie while being told that Eddie gave him the most important thing in the world, that Buck had a responsibility now. One that he’s going to lose sooner than he’d like.

“I’m not leaving you, Buck,” Eddie says, voice firm, but it feels hollow. Maybe Buck just feels hollow. It seems irrelevant right now. “I’m not leaving you. I will be back, and I’ll bring Christopher with me. Okay? But you’re right. I need to be there for him, I need to do what I can to fix my mistake before it’s too late, and I can’t do that from California. So I’m going to rent out the house here and stay with Sophia and her family. They’re only 20 minutes from my parents’ place, which is far enough to give Chris his space, but close enough that we can still work on… everything.”

The thought of strangers in the Diaz house makes his skin crawl. Still he forces what he hopes looks like a smile and nods once. “I’ll be here.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie leaves two weeks later, to the day. It’s a Thursday, and a day they both have off, even though Eddie is officially on a leave of absence effective yesterday. His two suitcases and his carryon are tucked carefully into the back of Buck’s Jeep and Eddie is in the passenger seat, rattling off a list of things he needs to do once he gets to El Paso. Buck isn’t really listening, just sort of letting the cadence of Eddie’s voice wash over him, trying to reconcile the fact that this will be the last time he sees Eddie for… who knows how long.

The traffic at LAX is, predictably, horrible. Buck had expected nothing less, though, which was why he’d insisted they leave with plenty of time to park and get Eddie inside before his plane boarded. Surprisingly, he finds a parking spot relatively close to the entrance, and dutifully takes Eddie’s second suitcase and follows him across the road to the airport.

He vividly remembers the last time he’d been here, dropping off someone he fully expected to see again. He hadn’t gone past the glass doors that time, and he already knows he won’t this time, either. He can’t. If he so much as steps foot into the airport, he knows he’ll be buying a seat on Eddie’s flight in three seconds flat, and he can’t do that. He’s barely keeping it together as it is, he can’t afford to follow Eddie like a lost puppy all the way to Texas.

Eddie pauses at the entrance, and Buck clears his throat and passes the second suitcase to him. “Guess this is it, huh? You’ll text when you land?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, Buck. I’ll text you when I land.” Buck nods, and Eddie scrutinizes his face for a moment before frowning. “I’m coming back, Buck. This isn’t permanent.”

Buck doesn’t want to fight. He really, honestly doesn’t have the energy for it. And he really doesn’t want to fight when this might be the last face-to-face conversation he gets to have with Eddie. So he just nods and forces a smile onto his face. 

“I know. You don’t have to keep saying it, I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.”

That only seems to deepen Eddie’s frown, but Buck just really cannot handle anything serious right now. His nerves are already fried, and he’s positive he’s not even going to make it out of this stupid fucking parking lot before he breaks down. He pulls Eddie into a tight hug, long enough that he gets a little bit of comfort from it, but not long enough for Eddie to recognize just how tightly coiled he is right now.

“Text me when you land, and let me know how you get settled in, okay? I’ll see you when you get back.”

Eddie looks like he has more to say, so Buck takes a couple of steps back. Eddie seems to get the message, sighing and nodding. “Sure, Buck. I’ll text, don’t worry. And Chris and I will see you soon.”

Buck stays standing on the sidewalk for as long as he thinks he can get away with, watching Eddie’s retreating figure weave through the airport, until he loses sight of him getting through the security line. Even after that, Buck remains rooted to the spot, unable to shake himself from his stupor enough to stumble back to his car. He has to, eventually, though, so he manages to swallow back the rising panic long enough to cross back to the parking lot and get into his car.

He knows Eddie isn’t coming back, is the thing. He’d been so sure Abby was coming back, sure enough that he’d promised to wait for her, even when she had seemed hesitant about it. It’s the exact opposite, now. He wants Eddie to come back with every fiber of his being, but he knows deep down that if Chris is as acclimated to Texas as Eddie’s parents have said, that Eddie will end up moving so that he doesn’t disrupt Christopher’s life. Because that’s the right thing to do, as a parent, Buck knows that.

Doesn’t make being left again hurt any less. Especially when he’d been so sure Chris and Eddie would be the ones to stay.

Turns out, maybe Buck just isn’t worth staying for.

[archive-buddiedreams]

Anyone made this connection yet? I’m watching Lone Star for the first time, and Carlos admits that he “was trying to fix something that wasn’t broken” AKA him being gay. And we have Eddie, saying “i’m broken… and I don’t know if I can fix it” 👀👀

[archive-buddiedreams]

falling together | 1.8k, buddie

read here on AO3

rating: general tags: Falling In Love, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley is Christopher Diaz's Parent, Accidental Relationship

They never even get together, is the thing. Not officially, anyway. Chris came back from Texas three weeks after Tommy dumped him, and a week after that, he found out that his building was being sold and converted into condos, which he definitely couldn’t afford, even if he wanted to (which he didn’t; the loft had always been more of a place to crash than his actual home). He’d bitched about the situation to Eddie that Friday night, after Chris had already ditched them to play online video games with his friends. Eddie had frowned and suggested that Buck crash with them while he was looking for a new apartment and… well. Buck is only a man. He’d agreed almost immediately, even if it meant sleeping on Eddie’s way too small couch for the foreseeable future. 

In his defense, he did look for an apartment. He looked for three months for anything even slightly habitable, but with the housing market stupidly inflated and Buck living off the salary of a public servant, there was basically nothing that was available, unless he wanted roaches. Or a studio apartment, which he was vehemently against. He was an adult, he deserved an actual bedroom. Sue him. 

And anyway, it wasn’t like Eddie and Chris were trying to kick him out. Actually, it felt like the opposite, most of the time. He and Eddie split the housework, he took over cooking and Eddie took dishes, and it actually worked so seamlessly that Buck was a little shocked. Obviously, he and Eddie are a well-oiled machine at work, but it was good to know that extended to domestic life too. And it was nice to consistently have other people to try his recipes on. He and Eddie ended up carpooling more often than not, which meant he got to tag along when Eddie picked Chris up after school, and Buck… well, Chris is his favorite Diaz, he can’t be blamed if he wants to spend as much time as possible with the kid, especially since he’s getting old enough to realize that hanging out with his—with him and Eddie wasn’t exactly cool, when he had friends to talk to and video games to play. 

And honestly… it was kind of nice to be around people whenever he wanted. Eddie and Chris are his favorite people, so it’s not exactly a hardship to be around them, and it was especially nice after a rough shift. Before, he’d go back to his loft alone and try to sleep away the crawling of his skin caused by a bad shift, and especially by a loss on the job. After basically moving in with the Diaz boys, though, he gets to see his favorite kid and give him a good squeeze. Chris seems to be able to tell when they’ve had a bad shift, and lets them be a bit clingier than he normally would. Plus, he’s got Eddie to lean on, since they’re usually going through the same thing. It’s… it’s nice. 

He’s been there six months when Eddie nervously comes out to him over the lunch they’re sharing at the kitchen table. Buck really hadn’t seen that one coming, and it makes something odd happen in his stomach, but he grins and reaches over to squeeze Eddie’s hand, telling him how proud of him he is and how honored he is to know. Eddie visibly deflates and shoots him an exhausted grin, squeezing Buck’s hand back. 

They don’t talk about it, but there’s a shift after that day. Eddie is more open about the discovery process that led to his coming out, and how he’d been to see Bobby’s priest, who had actually managed to help him. It seemed like a weight was lifted off his shoulders once he’d come out to Buck, and a warmth Buck wasn’t very familiar with settled into his bones.

They still don’t talk about it, even after the admission leads to more casual touching between them. Buck’s always craved physical affection, and Eddie idly admits that he’s trying to get better at expressing his affection with people other than Chris, and he’s still uncomfortable doing it with words. And it’s not like Buck is going to stop him. His skin always feels so tingly and flushed after Eddie’s hand touches it, always leaving a pleased smile on his lips. 

They don’t talk about it when the casual touches turn to less and less personal space. When he slips behind Eddie to show him the proper way to chop an onion, or how to flambé safely (thank you, Bobby). Or when Eddie says one day that it’s stupid for Buck to keep sleeping on the couch if he’s going to keep staying here, that Eddie has a perfectly good bed and it’s not like they haven’t slept in the same bed before, more than once. 

They don’t talk about it when sharing Eddie’s bed leads to spending far too long whispering to each other in the safe darkness of the room, admitting all their deepest fears and, even scarier, their deepest wants. Buck admits, for the first time out loud, that all he wants is to feel like he belongs to someone. Maddie has Chimney, Hen has Karen, Bobby has Athena. And Buck longs for that, longs for a relationship like that. For someone to have his back. For someone to truly be his partner.

They don’t talk about it when Buck realizes that he’s in love with his best friend, and even scarier, that he has been for god only knows how long. That’s not something he can voice, even in the darkness of their bedroom (because it is their bedroom, Buck’s been sleeping there for two months by this point, his clothes are taking up half the closet, and Eddie’s sleeping in one of his old LAFD shirts). But god does he long to. He wants nothing more than to close the small distance between them and wrap his arms around Eddie, never let go, but it’s not his place. He’s not going to fuck up the one healthy relationship he’s had in his life, not for anything.

They don’t talk about it when the late-night talks turn to what can only be described as cuddling. But again, Buck’s never been one to turn down physical affection, and Eddie’s not complaining. In fact, Eddie is the one that’s more often than not seeking Buck out, pulling his arm over Eddie’s torso as they’re falling asleep.

They don’t talk about it when the flirting starts. They’d spent a rare Friday night off out with their coworkers, getting stupidly drunk and catching up on all the things going on in everyone’s lives. Maddie and Chimney are out for the first time since Kevin Daniel Han was born, and they both look exhausted but so stupidly happy that Buck can’t help but think about Eddie and Chris, and how adorable Eddie is with his son. He doesn’t even realize he’s said as much out loud until Eddie’s cheeks turn a cute rosy color, and it takes all the strength in Buck’s body to keep from leaning over and kissing the spots. That seems to open a dam, though, because after that he and Eddie are trading sincere compliments back and forth whenever they think of them, which quickly devolves into funny pick-up lines when they’ve run out of compliments. The pick-up lines keep going for weeks, until one day, hands still wet from doing the dishes, Eddie grabs the front of his shirt and kisses him. 

They still don’t talk about it, but… nothing has really changed. They keep kissing (which Buck can honestly say is his absolute favorite thing in the world, he’d like nothing more than to die happily with Eddie’s lips on his) and trading flirtatious jokes and compliments. They don’t even talk about it when the kissing inevitably leads to sex. It seems silly, but Buck doesn’t even think they need to. He’s known how to read Eddie like a book for over eight years at this point, he knows they’re on the same page of the exact same book. 

They don’t even really talk about it when they get engaged. They’d had a bad shift and Buck had admitted in the darkness that he feels like Chris is his son. Eddie had smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek, softly admitting that Chris had been his son at least since the well, and then quietly asking if Buck would consider adopting him. Buck had failed spectacularly at choking back the tears the question had prompted, but Eddie had just smiled and brushed them away. Buck agreed (obviously, he’s not an idiot) and Eddie offhandedly mentioned that it would be easier to do if they were married, before pulling Buck’s arm around him and promptly falling asleep, like he hadn’t just chucked a grenade into the middle of their bed. Buck spends a majority of the night staring into the darkness, absolutely dumbfounded. He’s not even mad when Eddie and Chris wake him at lunch time and present him with a ring, which he eagerly accepts.

That’s what breaks the streak, in fact. That night, when they’re laying in bed, Eddie finally addresses whatever they’ve been dancing around for the first time. 

“I know we haven’t really talked about this, about us,” he whispers, shifting around to face Buck, “but is it… you’re okay with it? With this, with me and Chris being who you belong to?”

Buck swallows against the sudden rush of emotion that tears through him at Eddie referencing one of the first midnight chats they’d had. And any other time, any other relationship, maybe he’d be anxious about how little they’ve faced what they are, how they’ve barely addressed it with their loved ones but really… nothing has changed. At least, nothing important. Sure, he’s allowed to kiss Eddie now, and have sex with him, but other than that, their relationship is the same as it’s always been. They’re best friends. 

“I… I don’t think I realized it when I said it originally, but I think I was just waiting for this. For you. Both of you, but mostly just waiting until you were ready, I guess,” he whispers back, smiling when Eddie’s fingers thread through his own. “Besides, I’ve really always belonged to you and Chris, if we’re being honest. It’s why none of my relationships ever worked. I was trying to fill a role that was already occupied,” he admits, bringing their hands up to press a kiss to the back of Eddie’s hand. “It sorta feels like this was inevitable. Does that… make sense?”

He can’t see it, given the darkness currently surrounding them, but he can hear the smile in Eddie’s voice. “The inevitability of us just… falling together like we have? Yeah, Buck, honestly? That makes more sense than anything else in my life ever has.”

[archive-buddiedreams]

911 Bingo Masterpost

School Class Visiting the Fire House

Accidental Stimulation

Truth Serum

Only One Bed

"If I was meant to be controlled, I would've come with a remote."

"You don't know what I look like when I'm not in love with you."

First Valentine's Day

"No, I checked my receipt, I didn't buy any of your bullshit."

Restraints/Bondage

Groundhog Day

Fingering

Meet-Ugly

Free Space

Accidental Feelings Admission

Watching the Sunrise

Telepathic Bond

Alternate Timeline

Argument Leads to Sex

"I don't want to survive, I want to live."

Interrupted Kiss

Sex Toy Shop

Meddling Friends

Someone Says the Q Word

Nightmare Comforting

"It's just a flesh wound."

[archive-buddiedreams]

give up control | buck/eddie PWP

read here on AO3

Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Light Dom/sub, Dom/sub Undertones, Dom Evan "Buck" Buckley, Sub Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bondage, Light Bondage, Making Out, Loud Sex, Begging, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Anal Fingering, Anal, Anal Sex, Top Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bottom Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Aftercare, Cuddling & Snuggling, Post-Coital Cuddling, Naked Cuddling, Orgasm Denial, Orgasm Delay, Orgasm Edging, Eddie Diaz Speaks Spanish (9-1-1 TV)

Read below the cut

“You said you wanted to give up control, right?” Buck murmurs, fingertips skating up Eddie’s bare side, making him shiver. Eddie can’t bring himself to answer verbally, so he nods, but he knows Buck won’t let him get away with that. 

He nearly whines when Buck’s heat disappears from behind him. But he had promised to be on his best behavior tonight, and Buck had promised to wring every ounce of pleasure out of him, so he’s not exactly eager to do anything to fuck that up.

“Please,” he manages to gasp out, biting his lip. “I-I want you to be in control, Buck. Please.”

Buck’s answering chuckle is throaty and way hotter than it has any right being, but then he’s pressed to Eddie’s back again, his hard cock resting perfectly between Eddie’s ass cheeks.

“Good,” Buck praises, petting down Eddie’s side again. “Remember your colors?”

Eddie nods jerkily, breaths coming heavy and hard. “Green for good, yellow for time out, red for stop.”

“Good boy,” Buck practically purrs, punctuating each word with a kiss to Eddie’s jaw. “On your back on the bed, arms above your head please.”

Eddie scrambles to comply, crawling up the bed and landing back on the pillows with a slight bounce, watching as Buck rummages in the drawer of his nightstand. His eyes widen as he sees Buck remove the pair of leather cuffs he keeps in there, swallowing back the jolt of want that goes through him. He’s never been restrained in bed before. Usually, Buck is the one that lets Eddie do whatever the hell he wants, and that’s great—Eddie loves learning all the ways Buck likes to be touched and all the noises he can drag from his boyfriend’s mouth—but ever since Buck had mentioned wanting to tie Eddie up, it’s all he’s been able to think about. 

“We’ll try ropes next time, if you like this,” Buck murmurs, having read the expression on Eddie’s face. “Easier to get these off if you end up not liking it,” he explains with a shrug and a smile. “Color?”

“So green,” Eddie breathes out, squirming with the anticipation of having his hands tied uselessly above his head. Buck laughs, leaning down to capture Eddie’s mouth in a bruising kiss. He’s so distracted that he doesn’t even notice Buck fastening the cuffs onto his wrists. In fact, he only realizes when he tries to thread his fingers through Buck’s curls and meets resistance. He grunts softly, tugging against the chain that’s clipped to the hook on Buck’s bedframe, and swallows thickly when he realizes just how much he likes the feeling. Buck, the bastard, laughs and leans back to look at him.

“Good, right?”

Eddie nods, feeling a flush creeping onto his face. “Y-yeah, it’s… fuck.”

Buck grins, gripping Eddie’s chin with his thumb and pointer and kissing him roughly. “Good. Let me know if you need to readjust your arm, hm? Don’t want to hurt your shoulder.”

The warm feeling that rushes through Eddie then has nothing to do with the blush currently coloring his cheeks and everything to do with how goddamn considerate his boyfriend is. Buck knows his every ache and pain so thoroughly that he’s sure Buck would be able to know the moment his shoulder starts to ache, probably even before.

Eddie’s ripped violently from his own head when Buck's warm mouth closes around the head of his cock, making him suck in a sharp breath and strain against the cuffs. “Oh, fuck, mi amor, yes, your mouth,” he moans, squirming beneath Buck’s stupidly talented tongue. Buck hums around him and the feeling makes Eddie groan, low and loud, and he’s never been so fucking thankful that Christopher is old enough to not want to spend all of his time at home with them.

Buck’s hands are all over him, brushing up his thighs, pinching his nipples, dragging nails down his stomach. Eddie’s so overwhelmed that he’s on the edge in only a few minutes, barely managing to stutter out a warning about his impending orgasm before…

Buck slides off with a wet, obscene pop, and Eddie whines. It’s so loud he’s half concerned the neighbors might hear.

“N-no, no, why? I-I was so close…”

Buck smirks. “Sorry, sweetheart. You only get to come once tonight, and it’s not gonna be until you’re begging for it.”

Eddie barely holds himself back from pouting. “What if I beg now?”

Buck laughs, leaning over Eddie to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “It’ll be good, I promise. It’s called orgasm denial. I’m gonna bring you right to the edge a few times and then when you finally come…” Buck lets out a breath, shivering. “It’s gonna blow your mind, Eds.”

Eddie huffs, tugging at the cuffs mindlessly. “Buck, c’mon, please.”

Buck smirks, dragging his nails down Eddie’s chest. “Color?”

“So fucking green,” Eddie breathes, gripping the chains of the cuffs as Buck’s warm, calloused hand wraps around his cock. “Oh, fuck, yes, please.”

Buck laughs, warm and soft, thumb brushing over the head of Eddie’s cock. “Love having you like this, Eds. You’re so beautiful, all blissed out like this.”

He squirms, still a little uncomfortable with the praise and the weight he knows Buck’s compliments carry, but the cuffs prevent him from moving too far. He’s stuck where he is, chest heaving as Buck’s hand works him toward orgasm again, and he can’t find it in himself to do anything except let a litany of curses and encouragements fall from his lips. He thinks he’s swapped to Spanish at some point, but he’s so close to coming he doesn’t even care to switch back.

And that’s exactly the moment when Buck backs off again. Eddie lets out a frustrated whine, hips rocking up off the bed in search of anything to rub against, anything that can tip him over the edge he’s currently tip-toeing on. Of course, there’s nothing. Buck made sure of that, sitting far enough away that Eddie would only be able to reach him if he stretched his leg out, and that’s not going to help him get off. He tries to shoot Buck a glare, though he’s sure it comes off more pleading than anything.

“Buck, amor, please, I wanna come,” he manages, grip tightening on the chains. Buck just hums, trailing a finger up Eddie’s inner thigh. 

“Color?”

Eddie whines. “Green, bright fucking green.”

Buck laughs, leaning down to capture Eddie’s mouth with his own, and Eddie momentarily forgets about trying to get off, content to have his boyfriend’s warm lips pressed to his, his tongue sliding into Eddie’s mouth as soon as Eddie’s lips part. He’s so lost in the kiss that he doesn’t even notice Buck grabbing the lube and slicking up his fingers, only managing a gasp when Buck’s cool fingers brush against his hole. 

“Couple more times, alright baby? I’m gonna open you up and get you to the edge one more time and then I’m gonna fuck you until you come. That okay?”

Eddie nods sharply, groaning softly as Buck’s finger pushes into him. Buck is rough and efficient and Eddie is reduced to a panting mess within about two minutes, which is when Buck takes the opportunity to press his fingers against Eddie’s prostate and massage. Eddie’s pretty sure if spontaneous combustion was actually a thing, he’d be on fire right now, although it feels like he might be. All his senses are narrowed to Buck’s bright blue eyes watching him and his thick, perfect fingers bringing him to the edge of orgasm embarrassingly quickly. He’s just about to stutter out that he’s close when Buck backs off his prostate, instead just working him open. He’s positive his wrists are going to be raw after this, based on how often he’s been tugging rather roughly at the cuffs, but he can’t find any space in his brain to give a fuck about that right now.

Buck slides away from him and Eddie can’t do anything except whine and force his eyes open to figure out where his boyfriend disappeared to. He finds Buck gazing at him with lidded eyes, stroking his cock lazily with a handful of lube.

“Buck, please, c’mon, want you to fuck me.”

Buck smirks. Eddie wants to kiss it off his stupid mouth, or maybe stare at it some more, he’s not entirely sure. Before he gets a chance to decide (and subsequently beg for it) Buck is kneeling between his legs, nudging them farther apart with his knees. “Color?”

“Buck, c’mon, will you just fuck me already?”

Buck laughs. “Is that green?”

Eddie groans. “Yeah, green, Buck, fucking green, I want—oh, fuck,” Eddie gasps as Buck slides into him, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. “Yeah, yeah, feel so good, Buck, god you’re fucking incredible.” He’s babbling. He’s reached the point where he’s not even sure what’s coming out of his mouth anymore, and he’s not really sure that he cares, especially when he finally manages to wrap his legs around Buck’s waist and tug him closer. He tries to reach out and thread his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, whining when the cuffs limit his movements.

“Shh,” Buck whispers, leaning down to kiss him gently. “Let me take care of you, sweetheart. I got you.”

Eddie shudders, gasping for breath as Buck sets a rough, punishing pace. He’s stuck making breathless little grunts and groans as Buck grinds against his prostate, legs shaking where they’re still wrapped tightly around his boyfriend’s waist. 

“Buck, mi amor, I-I’m… oh fuck, oh fuck,” Eddie manages as his vision whites out. He tugs at the chains as he arches his back and comes harder than he ever has before, shivering through it as Buck keeps nailing his prostate with a precision that should be studied. He blinks a few times as his vision finally comes back, eyes focusing just in time to see Buck’s eyes snap shut and jaw drop open as he comes inside Eddie. It’s a beautiful sight, and if his brains hadn’t been liquified by his orgasm, he could probably wax poetic about it. Instead, he finds himself just laying there, staring at Buck with exactly zero thoughts in his head. He’s not even sure if he’s capable of complex thought anymore.

He barely manages a whine when Buck slides out of him, which earns him a chuckle. “I’m just gonna uncuff you so your arms don’t get sore and get you cleaned up, okay?”

Eddie huffs, nodding. He doesn’t want Buck that far away, but both of those things sound phenomenal right now. Buck makes quick work of the buckles on the cuffs, thumbs rubbing over the skin of Eddie’s wrists once they’re finally free. 

“I’m just going to be gone for a minute to get a washcloth, alright?” Buck murmurs, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Eddie’s lips. Eddie hums his acknowledgement, blinking sluggishly as he watches Buck step into the bathroom. He’s back in less than a minute, kissing Eddie slowly as he wipes them both clean with the washcloth, tossing it in the direction Eddie knows his hamper is in. “You alright, Eds?”

Eddie can’t manage to make his mouth say anything, so he just nods and snuggles against Buck once he lays down. Buck laughs quietly, wrapping an arm around Eddie and pressing a kiss to his hair. 

“Take it you liked it?”

Eddie hums against his neck, pressing a kiss to the soft skin there. “Yeah. That was incredible. Thank you.”

Buck smiles, capturing Eddie’s mouth in a gentle kiss. “Anytime. Seriously. Say the word and we’ll do it again.”

Eddie laughs. “Oh, we are definitely doing that again."

[archive-buddiedreams]

darling you're my last destination | 13.8k, completed

read here on ao3

Summary: Buck wakes up with no memory of the last three years, married to a man he barely knows, and discovers that not only is he not on speaking terms with his best friend, he's also apparently pulled away from his entire 118 family. After some sleuthing and an enlightening chat with his sister, Buck vows to make things right.

Things get a little complicated along the way.

Warnings/Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Tommy Kinard, Endgame Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Memory Loss, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley, Near Death Experiences, Arguing, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, Feelings Realization, Feelings, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Confessions, Love Confessions, Coma, Coma dream, Cheating, Buckfidelity, Getting Together

Buck startles awake to his alarm, barely having enough wherewithal to turn over and slap at his phone until the grating noise stops assaulting his ears. He huffs out a sigh and rubs his hands over his face, wincing as his ring scratches his cheek. He’s halfway through stretching the sleep from his limbs when it hits him: he doesn’t wear rings. Except, as he holds up his left hand, apparently he does. There’s a plain gold band on his ring finger, which nearly sends him into a spiral. Married? Is he married? Why doesn’t he remember anything? Who the hell is he married to?

He scrambles out of bed, tapping at his phone again to figure out the date and his brain screeches to a halt.

It’s been three years. He lost three years. Last thing he remembers was Christopher leaving for Texas with his grandparents, and now it’s three years later. What the holy fuck is going on.

“Evan? You awake?”

Buck cringes at his name, though not nearly as bad as he used to. It takes him a moment to place the voice and, when he does, he nearly swallows his tongue. He hastily throws on an old t-shirt and gym shorts and stumbles down the stairs toward where the voice came from.

“Tommy?”

Tommy smiles at him over a cup of coffee. He looks older, for sure, but totally at home leaning against the counter of a kitchen Buck doesn’t recognize. “Morning. I know you have a shift, so I figured I’d make you some coffee before I had to go.” He nods toward the steaming mug on the counter, which is much darker than Buck normally takes it. “Splash of milk, just how you like it.” 

That is not how Buck likes it.

Tommy takes a sip of his own coffee and Buck’s eyes drop to Tommy’s hand, where an identical ring is sitting on his ring finger. Well, that answers that question at least. It raises several more, but Buck’s head is spinning far too much to examine those right now.

“That’s… thank you.”

Tommy hums, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He watches Tommy leave, belatedly realizing that Tommy didn’t even say ‘I love you’ when he left. Is that… not something they do? They’re married, they must.

Buck takes a seat at the table, dropping his head into his hands. He’s so fucking confused. How did he wake up and lose three entire years of his life? He checks himself over quickly, but he doesn’t find any cuts or scrapes or anything that might give away that he’d been in an accident that could cause memory loss. No bumps on his head, no indication of any kind of incident recently. Tommy said he has a shift, though, so he fixes his coffee the way he likes it (enough milk and sugar for it not to be considered coffee anymore, thank you very much) and gets dressed in a haze. Should he tell Bobby what’s going on? He doesn’t want to get removed from active duty again.

He resolves to talk to Eddie once he gets in and go from there, so he transfers his coffee to a travel mug, makes sure he has his Jeep keys and the key that unlocks this apartment, and heads for the station.

Eddie’s already there when Buck gets in, so he drops his stuff into the locker next to Eddie’s and nudges him gently with an elbow. “Can we talk after I change?”

Eddie gives him a weird look but shrugs and nods. “Yeah, sure. I’ll be upstairs.”

Buck wants to ask about the look, but Eddie’s shutting his locker and walking away before Buck can get the words out of his mouth. There’s a frown on his face the entire time he changes and waffles about leaving his ring in his locker, ultimately deciding to leave it once he finds a silicone ring in his locker. He takes the stairs two at a time, scanning the room quickly and finding Eddie lounging on the sofa, scrolling on his phone. Buck drops onto the couch next to him with a heavy sigh.

“How’s Chris?” Buck asks, although that’s not at all what he’d intended to ask. Still, he’s always curious how Christopher is doing.

Eddie rolls his eyes. “He’s fine. What did you need?”

Buck frowns, and just as he’s opening his mouth to reply, the alarm rings. Eddie looks relieved as he pushes past Buck to head for the trucks, and Buck gives himself ten seconds to collect himself and shove away whatever feelings are threatening to spill out before following.

Something is really wrong here. They get to the scene and Bobby pairs him off with Lewis, who’s a great firefighter, but he’s not Buck’s partner. At the announcement of pairings, Buck chances a glance is Eddie’s direction, but Eddie doesn’t look surprised or even unhappy. Hell, he looks like this is just par for the course, and that makes Buck want to crawl back into the truck and hide. Are he and Eddie not friends anymore? What the hell is going on? They're supposed to have each other's backs.

Still, he's got a job to do, so he can't afford to focus on whatever the fuck is going on for very long. It's a fairly complicated house fire, but they manage to get everyone out and get the fire put out. Buck is a little more cautious than normal, since Eddie isn't at his back, but they all make it out unscathed anyway. He's covered in sweat and soot, so by the time they get back to the station, all Buck can think about is getting to the bathroom and getting cleaned up. He's always hated how dirty he gets during fires, and he knows better than to risk a shower—they've been called out one too many times when Buck was mid-shower. He grabs the package of baby wipes he keeps stashed in his locker and beelines for the bathroom. 

Eddie is already in the bathroom when he gets there, scrubbing at the soot on his face with a wet paper towel . 

"Here, man, take some of these, they're easier on your face. " He drops the package on the counter between them and grabs a wipe, slowly but efficiently wiping down his face, neck, and arms. He sees Eddie give him a weird look and stare at the wipes for a second before reluctantly grabbing one and wiping down his skin. 

"Is something… wrong?" Buck asks gently, carefully avoiding Eddie's gaze in the mirror. 

"You tell me, Buck. We haven't said more than three words to each other in, like, two years, but now you want to be all buddy-buddy?" 

Buck blinks. Two years? No, that can't be right, he'd never go that long without talking to Eddie. Honestly, he doesn't even think he's capable of going more than a day without talking to Eddie in some form, even if it's just sending him a funny Tiktok. Two entire years? There's no way. 

"I—" 

"And you know what else? You have no right to ask me how Christopher is doing. You made it abundantly clear that we weren't important to you anymore, so why don't you just leave me the hell alone?" Eddie tosses the wipe in the trash, stalking from the room. 

Buck stares at the closed door for far too long trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Chris and Eddie, not important to him? He doesn't know what he's done, but it must have been horrible if Eddie thinks he doesn't care about him and Chris. 

He doesn't even know where to go from here. Normally he'd go to Eddie, but Eddie has made it pretty damn clear that whatever Buck had done resulted in them no longer speaking. He doesn't want to admit to memory loss around Bobby, which rules out Chim and Hen because they both like to gossip way too much, and Chim can’t keep a secret to save his life or anyone else’s. He decides to piece together what he can from his phone, and then maybe go see Maddie after his shift is over. 

He starts in his camera roll, scrolling back three years, latching on to the first photo he recognizes—a picture of Chris with the lego pirate ship Buck had bought him. They'd watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean and Christopher had promptly become obsessed, begging for anything and everything pirate related in the following days. The Black Pearl sets had been far too expensive, so Buck had snagged a regular pirate ship and promised they could paint it to look like the Black Pearl . In the photo, Chris is beaming as he sits behind the finished project, the delight clear on his face. There are a few more of Eddie and Chris before everything that happened with Marisol and Kim, and then several rows of photos of Chris with various members of the Diaz family, enjoying his summer in Texas. There's twelve entire rows of photos of Chris and Eddie reuniting at the airport, and a few of what Buck assumes is Christopher's welcome home dinner . He notices that after that, the number of photos containing both Eddie and Chris drops off significantly until they stop altogether just over two years ago. Honestly, he's probably only got maybe two or three dozen photos from the last two years which is… weird. Buck's never been glued to his phone, but he loves taking pictures of his friends and family. Honestly, he'd kind of expected like a hundred pictures of his wedding. Instead, he finds exactly two, and is a little disappointed to find that he and Tommy had gotten married in a courthouse. Not that he needed a big wedding, but ever since he'd found his family at the 118, he'd always pictured a small wedding with all of them, probably in Bobby and Athena's backyard. The other handful of photos are mostly of Jee and a couple pictures of 118 parties, although Eddie and Chris are noticeably missing from them.

This whole thing is making Buck's head spin. He wants to just curl up, take a nap, and hope he wakes up three years ago, but his curiosity wins. He swaps over to his text messages and immediately notices that he has barely any. There's some unread messages in the 118 group chat, but they're mostly memes from Chim or everyone sharing pictures of their families. Buck scrolls until he finds the last message he sent, which was a wedding photo, a year and a half ago. He's got a couple of texts to Bobby asking for shift changes and some low-effort check-in texts to Hen, Chim, Maddie, and Athena. Nothing to Eddie, not even an old thread.

He clicks into his thread with Tommy and scrolls back for a while before settling in to read.

It's… boring. Their conversations mostly consist of planning who's cooking based on their shifts, a grocery list they can both update, and a few texts after what he assumes must have been rough calls, just checking in. No stupidly lovey texts, no date plans, not even a hint of sexting or even flirting. Is this who he is now? They seem more like roommates than husbands. 

Buck swallows, exiting his text threads and moving on to his calendar. There's basically nothing on it, just his shifts listed and, much to his relief, Maddie's shifts listed. She should be home by the time Buck gets off work, so he tables his research for the time being. He'll just have her fill him in. She must know what he'd done to upset Eddie. 

The rest of the shift is pretty uneventful. A car accident and a drowning, but they were able to save both of them without issue. No one even questions Buck being mostly quiet all shift, and if that doesn't just make him depressed. Eddie would have noticed, three years ago anyway, but Eddie hasn't looked at him since their argument in the bathroom.

He makes it to Maddie and Chim's in record speed. He's barely parked before he's out and heading for the door. Normally, after a 24 hour shift, he'd be exhausted, but he's wired. So wired that he bounces on his heels as he waits for Maddie to open the door. 

"Buck?" she asks as she cracks the door open, frowning. "Is everything okay? It's not Howie, is it?" 

Buck huffs. "No, Chim is fine. What, I can't come visit my sister?" 

Maddie raises an eyebrow but opens the door and waves him inside. "Sure you can, but you never do. Gosh, I think the last time you were here was for Jee's birthday almost six months ago." 

Buck stops halfway to the couch, shaking his head. "No, no, come on, there's no way." 

Maddie searches his face for a moment. She must not like what she sees, because she ushers Buck toward the couch. "Evan, what's going on?" 

Buck swallows through his suddenly too-tight throat. He hadn't abandoned Maddie too, had he? “I, uh, woke up this morning with no memory of the last three or so years. Last thing I remember was Chris leaving for Texas, and then I wake up and I'm suddenly married to Tommy and I don't even talk to Eddie or Chris anymore? Or anyone in the 118, apparently. Or you! I haven't been here in six months?" 

Maddie blinks at him. "Hang on, three years? Did you have an accident at work or something?" 

"No, and that's the weird part! No scrapes or bumps anywhere, I can't figure it out." He drops his head into his hands and breathes out a heavy sigh. "Tommy didn't even tell me he loved me this morning, and he thinks I like my coffee almost black." 

Maddie huffs a shocked laugh. "Yeah, I never got the impression that he was very… thoughtful. I always thought it was weird since you're someone who relies heavily on verbal confirmations of how much you mean to people, but you always said you were happy." 

Buck groans, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "How did I screw up my life this badly? " He doesn't expect an answer, and he doesn't get one. He just gets Maddie's hand on his back, rubbing in soothing circles like she used to when he was sick or upset as a kid. 

"Hey, do you know what happened with me and Eddie?" he finally asks, several minutes of silence later, chancing a glance at Maddie. He sees her wince and immediately feels nauseous.

"I, uh… I don't know if it's my place, Evan." 

Buck whines. "Please? Eddie won't even talk to me, and nothing I've found has given me any clue." 

Maddie sighs. "You said the last thing you remember was Chris leaving for Texas?" Buck nods, turning to face her. Maddie shoots him a wary look before continuing. "Well, um… Eddie had a hard time with it. He ended up going back to therapy and… discovering some things about himself. You spent basically the whole summer at his place because he was sort of losing it without Christopher. But, uh, eventually… well, Tommy put his foot down. Said he wanted a boyfriend, and that you could either be with him or stay friends with Eddie." 

Buck blinks, mind churning. It makes no sense, why would he just abandon Eddie and Chris like that? And why would Tommy give him an ultimatum? He thought Tommy understood his place with the Diaz boys. He feels like Maddie is keeping something from him, because the only way this makes sense is if… 

Is if…

But… no. There's no way. 

Buck's eyes snap up to Maddie's face. "Mads… what did Eddie realize about himself?" 

Maddie frowns, looking away from him as she fidgets with the necklace she's wearing. "It's really not my place to say." 

"Maddie. Please." 

She closes her eyes for a moment, seemingly trying to decide if she's going to cave or not. 

She does. 

"He figured out that he's gay." 

The room starts spinning. Buck wants to… pass out, or throw up, or something. Eddie's gay, which means the one flimsy excuse Buck gave himself for not driving to Eddie's right after Tommy kissed is entirely moot. Tommy had kissed him and after he'd realized he'd liked it, all he could think about was shoving Eddie into the nearest wall and kissing him until neither of them could breathe. The only thing that had stopped him was assuming that Eddie was straight (yeah, the irony of assuming someone's sexuality isn't lost on him). 

Suddenly everything clicks into place. Tommy must have given him an ultimatum because he knew about Buck's feelings for Eddie. Hell, everyone has teased them about their closeness for years. Tommy isn't blind. The only thing that isn't computing in his head is why the fuck he ever chose Tommy over Eddie and Christopher. Sure, based on the rough timeline he's got going in his head, he and Tommy would have been dating for about a year by the time he'd gotten the ultimatum. But what about a year with Tommy overrode nearly a decade of friendship with Eddie? 

"Ev? Are you okay?" 

He snaps out of his train of thought, turning back to Maddie. "Why did I choose Tommy? Did I ever tell you?" 

Maddie shakes her head slowly. "Not explicitly, no. You… actually, you guys sort of broke up for a couple of weeks after he told you to choose. I always assumed something had happened between you and Eddie, an argument or something." 

Buck feels like he’s going insane. He’s positive there’s nothing Eddie could have done that would have made him choose Tommy. Except… except if Eddie didn’t feel the same way.

Buck isn’t stupid. He knows he needs about ten years of solid therapy to work through how badly his parents messed him up, and he knows (whether he wants to admit it or not) that he craves love and stability. All he’s ever wanted since he settled in at the 118 was someone to settle with at home, someone who loved him for him, not for what he could give them. He’d found it with the Diaz boys, although platonically, for a while. Unless Eddie had explicitly told him that his feelings were unrequited, there’s no way in hell he would have left Eddie and Christopher for Tommy.

Which… which means that’s what happened. He must have confessed his feelings to Eddie and Eddie said no. He can almost see it happening. Facing the loss of the Diaz boys, he would’ve crawled back to Tommy and begged for forgiveness, for someone to love him.

Except he doesn’t think Tommy does. He hadn’t been very sure of their relationship, from what he remembers, mostly because Tommy didn’t really seem… interested? Buck enjoyed hanging out with him, but it seemed like he was the one to initiate dates, never Tommy. Hell, Tommy hadn’t even offered an ‘I love you’ yesterday morning before Buck had left for a 24 hour shift. Isn’t that weird? They’re married, shouldn’t they be comfortable with that kind of intimacy?

“Did you figure it out?” Maddie asks gently, still rubbing Buck’s back almost absentmindedly.

Buck huffs. “I have a pretty good guess, yeah. And I think I owe Eddie an apology.” Maddie shoots him a questioning look, so he sighs and rubs his eyes. “I, uh, may have cornered Eddie in the bathroom after a call. He was acting weird and I wanted to know why. He blew up at me, rightly so given what I assume happened. So, uh… yeah.” He scrapes a hand through his hair, shooting Maddie what he hopes is a smile. “I should go. Sorry I just dumped all this on you. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

He leans over to kiss her cheek, raising an eyebrow when she frowns at him. “Are you sure you should go see him? It didn’t sound like you guys left off on great terms. You know, before the whole…” she motions toward Buck’s head with a wince.

“It’ll be fine. I’ll, uh. I’ll probably wait until the next shift anyway. Tommy’s probably waiting for me.”

Maddie nods slowly. “You know… you don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to.”

Buck glances at her. “He’s not—Maddie, it’s not bad. He’s not bad.”

Maddie holds her hands up placatingly. “I didn’t say it was. But, you know. Sometimes apathy hurts more than other things,” she says with a shrug, but he knows what she means. Buck had spent the entire first half of his life being ignored by his own parents, and then bouncing from job to job before he found a place and a family in the 118. And now, he’s apparently being ignored in his own marriage. 

He needs to talk to Tommy. One way or another, he needs to straighten this whole thing out, especially since he’s only working with what he’s been able to piece together.

“I’ll call you, I promise.” He kisses Maddie on the cheek, heading back out to his car. He’s not even sure if Tommy will be home when he gets there, but it’s not like he has anywhere else to be. He’ll just wait it out, maybe get a nap in.

He hadn’t even thought to write down the address of his and Tommy’s place before he’d left yesterday, so thank god it’s saved as a frequent address in his maps app. It takes him a little over half an hour to get there, but it doesn’t seem like Tommy is home. The exhaustion of a 24 hour shift and everything he’s got rolling around in his brain has him stumbling toward the bed, barely getting out of his jeans before he’s out for the count.

He snaps awake to the front door slamming shut. He’s not sure how long he’s been out, but there’s only dim light in the bedroom, so Buck assumes it’s sometime in the evening. He’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes when he hears the bedroom door creak open.

“Evan? Were you sleeping?”

Buck frowns, glancing at the clock. “Uh, yeah? I just got off a 24.”

Tommy winces. “Sorry, I totally forgot. Did I wake you?”

Buck hums, yawning and shrugging. “Yeah, but it’s fine. You okay?”

“Yeah, rough day.” Tommy shakes his head, dropping onto the bed with a sigh. “Long.”

Buck smirks, resisting the obvious joke in favor of pivoting the conversation toward his lack of memories.

“So, uh. I gotta…” He pauses, clearing his throat and twisting his ring around his finger. “When I woke up yesterday, I couldn’t remember the last three years.”

Tommy blinks at him, shifting his position to face Buck. “What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why. I just… couldn’t remember anything. I remember you kissing me for the first time, and Maddie and Chim’s wedding, and then… well, that’s kind of it. I remember Chris leaving for Texas.” 

“That’s… that was… you don’t remember anything?”

Buck shakes his head. “I pieced together a good chunk of it, I think, but I sort of wanted to run it by you and see if I have everything right.”

Tommy sighs heavily. “Do we have to do this right now? I just had a really long shift and I don’t want to rehash our entire history, Evan.”

Buck scrunches his nose. “Why do you call me that?”

Tommy blinks at him. “Why do I call you… your name?”

“I mean, sure, it’s my name. But no one who knows me actually calls me that, except for Maddie. And I think that’s just because she still pictures me as the little kid she raised.”

Tommy frowns at him. “I didn’t realize it bothered you.”

Buck scoffs. “We’ve been together for three years and you didn’t think it was weird that everyone I love calls me Buck, but you call me Evan?” Buck hopes Tommy doesn’t catch how he’d accidentally separated Tommy out from the people he loves. 

“I… no, I didn’t.”

Buck shakes his head, sighing. “And I don’t like my coffee black. Coffee is a vessel for milk and sugar.”

Tommy raises his eyebrows, though there’s a hint of an exasperated smile on his face. “You never said anything. Why?”

Buck huffs. “Because I want someone to love me. I’m tired of being the only one in my entire family that’s still looking for something. Someone, I guess.”

Tommy frowns at him. “Ev-Buck, that’s a horrible reason to be with someone.”

“Well, yeah. I may be emotionally fucked up, but I’m not stupid.”

That draws a startled laugh out of Tommy, which makes Buck relax just a little bit. They both sit quietly for a moment, and Buck isn’t exactly sure where he wants the conversation to go. He wants so desperately to ask about what happened with Eddie, but he’s scared of the repercussions.

Tommy must sense it, though, cause he meets Buck’s eyes with a sigh. “Go ahead. Ask what you want to ask. I’ll tell you.”

Buck bites his lip. “I… what happened with Eddie? I tried to talk to him today and he chewed me out.”

Tommy scrapes a hand over his own face before meeting Buck’s eyes. “He came out to everyone a couple of months after Christopher came back for school. He’d figured it out in therapy, I guess, and just dropped it during one of your shifts.” Tommy rolls his eyes. “I was there bringing you lunch. I always assumed he waited until I was around to tell everyone about it, not that I ever asked.”

Buck frowns. “Why? I mean, I know you guys are friends, but he could have just told you separately.”

Tommy snorts. “Wow, I forgot how oblivious you were about this whole thing. Buck, Eddie’s in love with you. Or he was, anyway. I think you knew that, deep down. But you didn’t realize you were bisexual, and then you were with me, you never had a chance to be with Eddie.” Tommy pauses, but Buck waits him out. Tommy’s not wrong, Buck knows it. Hell, he’d figured out he was in love with Eddie almost the second after he’d realized he actually kind of liked kissing another man, but he’d never in his wildest dreams imagined that Eddie might feel the same way. If he had? He’s positive he would have broken up with Tommy in a heartbeat.

“You, uh… I didn’t want to be in the way. I’d always sort of guessed that you loved him, and I was okay playing second fiddle to him, since it wasn’t going to happen. But when he told us he was gay, I could… I could see it in your face. It was like I wasn’t even there anymore.”

Buck swallows. “I’m sorry. That must’ve sucked.”

Tommy laughs. “That’s one way to describe it, yeah.” Tommy runs a hand through his hair, clearing his throat. “I’m… I’m not proud of it, but I was sort of in love with you by then, and I-I didn’t want to get my heart broken. So I told you it was me or him. It- you chose him. Almost instantly,” he says with a wince, eyes dropping to his hands in his lap. “I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt, because it did. It fucking sucked to realize that I’d just been basically a consolation prize the entire time. We, uh… I told you as much and I think it hurt you more than I thought it would, but I was so angry that I just left. I couldn’t be there anymore.”

Jesus, Buck can’t believe he’d been that much of an asshole. But… if he’s being honest with himself, he gets it. If he found out he had a chance with Eddie? Nothing would stand in his way, except for Eddie himself. “So… what happened? How did we end up back together? And married?”

Tommy snorts. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

“Well, I mean… why would you want to get back with me after all of that, much less marry me?”

Tommy stares at him for a moment, brows furrowed. “Wow, you’re serious. Buck, you’re an incredible person. And I was already in love with you at that point, of course I took you back. I would have been certifiably insane not to.”

Buck can feel his cheeks heating. “But… even after what happened? I mean, we would have been together for, what, a little less than a year by then?”

Tommy nods. “Eight months, I think, yeah. And yeah, it hurt to see you want to be with someone else, but… Buck, you came back to me three weeks later and it was like you were a whole new person. You weren’t talking to Eddie anymore, and you were planning all these romantic dates for us, you even took me camping in Big Sur because I had mentioned a trail I wanted to hike there. It was basically everything I wanted, I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Buck winces, scratching at the back of his neck. “I, uh. I’m sorry.”

Tommy waves away the apology, taking Buck’s hand in both of his. “You don’t need to apologize, Buck. That’s all behind us. We can look into getting you to the doctor to make sure this memory thing isn’t indicative of something bigger, and we’ll just go from there, okay?”

Buck nods, staring down at their hands. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

~

It takes several doctor’s appointments, but they eventually clear him, both physically and mentally. None of the specialists he sees can figure out a cause for the memory loss, so they suggest therapy and are very careful to warn him that his memories might not come back. He’d been annoyed by that in the beginning, but three weeks out with no more recollection of the last three years, he’s starting to think they might be right. Besides, he’s had most of the gaps in his memory filled anyway, so it is what it is. If his memories come back, great, if not, it’s fine.

The first change he puts into motion is being in contact with his family more than he seems to have been over the last couple of years. He has a long talk with Maddie about how unacceptable it was that he hadn’t been talking to her and how it won’t happen again, and Maddie hugs him so tight that he actually can’t breathe for a second. He has dinner with her, Chim, and Jee at least once a week, and it always makes him feel just a little bit lighter. He goes out to lunch with Hen and Karen, catching up on all the changes in their lives and vaguely explaining the memory loss thing. Hen looks like she has dozens of questions, but he waves them away after admitting that his doctors had done all sorts of tests with no results. He even invites Bobby and Athena over to make dinner for them for once, and they can’t stop raving about the meal (he’d definitely called May to ask what their favorite meals were and had perfected one of them over the course of a week; Tommy said if he never saw beef short ribs again, it would be too soon).

His relationship with Eddie was… more of a challenge. He wasn’t really sure he could have one, if he wanted to stay with Tommy. Not that he was even sure of that, but that was a problem for another time.

He’d reached out to Dr. Copeland, only to discover that she had since retired from both the department and her own practice. She does pass him along the names of a few more psychiatrists that she feels like he might gel with, so he does some quick research and makes an appointment with one. He thinks about asking Tommy to come with him, feels like saying some of the thoughts he wants to share in the presence of a licensed medical professional might be better than just vomiting them out whenever he can’t keep them bottled up anymore, but he gets the idea that shrinks aren’t really Tommy’s thing.

He shows up to his first meeting alone, rattling off a quick overview of… well, everything he’s been through and figured out since waking up with no memory. To Dr. Becker’s credit, she seems to follow the timeline of everything and gets a general idea of who everyone is, enough that she can ask clarifying questions while he’s rattling off all the information. There’s a few moments of silence once he finishes, like Dr. Becker is digesting all of the information, and then she levels him with a look Buck isn’t sure how to interpret and crosses her legs.

“Tell me about your relationship with your husband. You didn’t mention him very much during that whole explanation.”

Buck frowns. “I don’t… there’s not really much to tell, I guess. We’d only been dating for a few weeks last I remember, and we’re mostly on opposite schedules now. I only see him a couple of times a week, really.”

Dr. Becker nods. “And does that bother you? You describe yourself as someone who craves affection, how do you balance that with a relationship where you don’t have a lot of quality time to spend with each other?”

Buck blinks at her, opening his mouth to answer, except… he doesn’t really have one. If he’s being honest with himself, he feels more like Tommy’s roommate than his husband, although not for lack of trying. He wants to spend time with him and get to know him again, but Tommy almost seems annoyed by it. Eddie’s words from years ago run through his head, that he’s exhausting, and he winces at the dig. He’s never even talked about that with Eddie since, but anger always brings out the truth, so he’s sure that’s how Eddie feels, even if he won’t voice it.

“I, uh. I don’t think I do, honestly. I’ve always been, um… self-conscious, I guess? My parents weren’t great, so I acted out a lot as a kid, and I think that made me extra… I dunno, obnoxious? I can be a lot to deal with, I know that, so I think I’m… trying to hold myself back, almost? I don’t want to annoy him, and I mean, if he wanted to spend time with me, he would, right?”

Dr. Becker frowns, eyes flicking to the clock on the wall briefly. “I don’t have as much time as I’d like to address all of that, so for the time being let’s address the obnoxious part. Has someone told you that directly?”

Buck swallows, nodding with a shrug. “Um, back… well, I guess it would be more than a couple of years, now. I sort of alienated myself from my team at the 118 and when I ran into them at the grocery store, Eddie…” Buck clears his throat, averting his gaze. He doesn’t want to see whatever Dr. Becker thinks when he tells her. “Eddie was upset because the whole thing was keeping me from seeing Christopher, and Eddie’s usually pretty stoic unless it involves Chris, so he blew up at me. Told me that I was basically shirking my responsibilities, and that I was exhausting, and everyone had their own problems to deal with.”

“Why did that bother you so much?”

Buc shrugs, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “Normally I can just shrug it off, but I dunno. I feel like when people say something out of anger, it’s usually true.”

“Because of your parents?”

Buck nods, risking a glance at Dr. Becker. He doesn’t see much on her face, just a clear understanding and a small smile.

“We’ll discuss them next session, if you’re comfortable. In the meantime, before next week, I’d like you to look up love languages and try to determine what yours is. Once you know, talk to Tommy and let him know that that’s how you like to receive affection, and ask if that’s something he’d be willing to do for you. You can even reciprocate, and figure out what his love languages are, if you feel like you need to. It may help you grow a stronger connection with him.”

Buck nods, clearing his throat and offering her a small smile. “Think I can do that. Thanks, doc.”

~

He takes a few love language quizzes as soon as he gets back to the apartment. Tommy is at work until 8 tonight, so he spends a few hours digesting all of the information about love languages, and determines his own is a pretty even split of quality time and words of affirmation, although words of affirmation is slightly ahead. He’s not sure what Tommy’s would be, but he figures some quality time can’t hurt, considering this is the first mutual night off they’ve had in a while. He makes them a nice dinner, something neutral since he’s not exactly sure what Tommy likes to eat, and even showers and puts on an outfit that makes him look good in all the right places. Not that he’s even sure he wants to have sex with Tommy, since as far as his brain is concerned, he’s still never slept with a man. But hey, can’t hurt to look good for his husband, right?

Tommy doesn’t end up making it home until nine, although Buck gets it. He knows how unpredictable shifts are, it’s not like he can be mad about it.

“Hey! I don’t know if you’re still hungry, but I made a lasagna for us. Easy to warm up.”

Tommy blinks at him, halfway through a step. “Oh. Uh. I ate at the station. Sorry, this isn’t… we don’t really do… this.” Tommy waves a hand around, shutting the door being himself. 

Buck deflates just a little, but manages to keep a smile on his face. “Right, I probably should have just texted you, it is a little late for dinner anyway.” He rubs a hand over the back of his neck, clearing his throat. “Work okay?” He heads for the kitchen, suddenly needing something to do with all of his restless energy, and he needs to clean up all the dishes he’d used to make dinner anyway. Win-win.

“Yeah, it was fine. Not too busy. How’d your therapy go?”

Buck clears his throat. “Good, actually. I like her a lot. She had me look up love languages, which are actually pretty interesting. Did you know there’s not really any scientific proof that it actually makes a difference? A bunch of studies found that even if you communicate primarily in the way your partner receives love, it doesn’t really affect their satisfaction with the relationship, or yours?” He turns to glance at Tommy, swallowing thickly when he realizes Tommy isn’t even there anymore. He blinks back the sudden sting in his eyes, finishing up the dishes and drying his hands off. He can hear Tommy moving around in their bedroom, so he settles into the couch and puts a documentary he’s been eyeing on, leaving it quiet enough that he can hear it but not so loud that it would disturb Tommy.

He doesn’t see Tommy for the rest of the night, although he isn’t exactly surprised. He hadn’t been lying to Dr. Becker when he said he and Tommy didn’t really spend any time together. He can’t help but compare it to his nights with Eddie and Chris, and how warm and comfortable he always felt with them. 

He needs to talk to Eddie.

~

He doesn’t get an opportunity to talk to him until about a week later, on a 24 hour shift. Buck is sitting at the island with a cup of warm coffee, unable to sleep. It’s not new, he hasn’t really been able to sleep well ever since he woke up with no memory of the last three years (he thinks it’s because he’s afraid to sleep and wake up with more of his part forgotten), but he’s used to running on not a lot of sleep. He hears footsteps on the stairs to the loft, and he doesn’t even have to look to know that it’s Eddie. The steps falter momentarily, presumably as Eddie realizes it’s Buck sitting there, but then they pick back up and Eddie rounds the island, grabbing a mug to make himself coffee.

“Can’t sleep?” Buck murmurs, taking a sip from his still-too-hot coffee. Eddie glances at him, and Buck half expects him to ignore the statement entirely, but then he sighs and leans on the island, directly across from Buck.

“No. I’m overtired, I think. Been a busy week. Chris is participating in a science fair, so I’ve been staying up with him to help him finish his project. Or trying to help him, anyway. I think I’m more of a hindrance.”

Buck snorts. “What’s he doing?”

“Something about how well different things can filter water? Charcoal, sand, stuff like that. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to touch the actual experiment, so I’ve mostly been helping with the poster.”

Buck smirks over the top of his mug. “You messed up the experiment, didn’t you?”

Eddie glares at him, but there’s no heat behind it, which is nice to see. “I’m not dignifying that with a response.”

Buck grins. “That’s a yes. Sounds like a cool experiment, though.”

Eddie hums, taking a long sip of the coffee. The silence between them isn’t as comfortable as it used to be, but it sure as hell isn’t as uncomfortable as it was when Eddie blew up at him weeks ago. Still, Buck can’t help how fast his brain is spinning, trying to find a way to broach the topic of whatever happened in those weeks he was broken up with Tommy. 

“You’re thinking too loud, Buck,” Eddie says gently, setting his mug down and crossing his arms over his chest. “Just ask.”

Buck catches his lower lip between his teeth, worrying it for a moment before meeting Eddie’s gaze. “What happened? With us, I mean. Tommy said we were broken up for a few weeks and then when we got back together, you and I weren’t talking anymore, so I guess I’m just…” He lets the sentence trail off, eyes dropping to stare at his own mug.

“Wondering what happened?”

Buck nods.

He can hear Eddie sigh, and hears the rustle of Eddie’s uniform as he runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, Buck. I honestly don’t. I thought—well, I hoped that we were on the same page, but then you  stopped talking to me and got back with Tommy, so I guess I just assumed we must not have been thinking the same thing.”

Buck frowns. That doesn’t sound right, because it sounds like Eddie had wanted to be with him, too. If that was the case, there’s no way in hell he would have gone back to Tommy. “What did you say? When I came to see you?”

Eddie clears his throat. “I uh. I told you that Frank had helped me realize my relationships with women weren’t working because I wasn’t actually visualizing myself with a female partner, I was just trying to fill the role of Christopher’s mom. And then that snowballed pretty quickly into realizing that if Chrisopher didn’t need a replacement for his mom, then… well, we already had you. We were already a family. Chris loved you, hell, I loved you. It all just sort of clicked, one session.” Eddie chuckles quietly. “Frank didn’t even have the decency to pretend to be surprised.”

Buck huffs a laugh at that. He can almost picture it, Eddie having a gay crisis on a generic gray therapist’s couch, and Frank already knowing exactly what’s going on. 

All of a sudden, he’s hearing his and Eddie’s conversation in his own head.

“Buck, I want this. But… I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t know how to do this.”

“I can wait. I’ve been waiting.”

“I don’t want to ask you to do that. I don’t know if I’m even capable of—” Eddie cuts himself off, eyes darting away from Buck’s gaze.

“Capable of what?”

“Loving you,” Eddie says, barely a whisper, but it feels like a gut punch and a crushing realization all at the same time. Of course Eddie wouldn’t be able to love him. Why would he, when no one else had? Buck’s only good as long as he’s helpful, but he’s not good enough for this. For Eddie, for Chris. There’s a buzzing in his ears and he’s not sure what the hell that’s about, but he knows he needs to get the fuck out of there before he starts crying.

He remembers leaving, remembers turning around without another word and letting the front door slam behind him as he all but flees from what had once been his home. He blinks, eyes flicking up to catch Eddie’s. “You said you weren’t capable of loving me,” Buck says breathlessly, overwhelmed that the first thing he actually remembers from the last three years is that heart-breaking revelation from Eddie. 

Eddie blinks at him. “Y-you remember?”

Buck nods, watching as Eddie’s face morphs from relieved to confused.

“Wait, but that’s not what I said.”

“Oh. What did you say?”

“I said I wasn’t capable of loving you, not like you deserved.”

Buck startles at that, looking up to meet Eddie’s gaze. “But that’s… I didn’t hear that. I-I thought… it sounded like you were telling me that you were attracted to me but that you’d never love me.”

Eddie scoffs. “Buck, I’ve loved you since before I even knew that’s what it was. I think—” He cuts himself off, cheeks growing red as he looks anywhere but at Buck.

“You think?” Buck prompts, curious where Eddie was going with that.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, over the last couple of years, and I think… I think it was the tsunami. I think that was the start, anyway. How hard you fought for Chris, even with everything you were going through at the time. I-I think I started falling in love with you then.”

Buck swallows, eyes flickering over Eddie’s face, searching for any hint that he’s lying. Instead, he finds a soft, fond look in Eddie’s eyes, and a small smile tipping the corners of his mouth up. Buck wants to lean in and kiss him, wants to crawl so close that he’s not sure where Eddie begins and he ends, but…

But there’s still Tommy.

“I need to talk to Tommy. Tomorrow, after shift. He should be getting home around the same time.”

Eddie’s eyebrows pinch in the beginning of a frown, but Buck waves him off.

“Don’t. I don’t know how my life ended up like this but it’s wrong, okay? Everything is wrong. Maddie said I hadn’t been to her house in six months, you and I weren’t talking and god only knows how long it’s been since I’ve seen Chris, and Karen said she hadn’t heard from me in months. I abandoned my family for him, apparently, and he doesn’t even care enough to listen to me when I’m talking.”

“Something happen?’ Eddie asks gently, raising an eyebrow. 

Buck sighs and pushes a hand through his hair, slouching down in his chair. “He had a shift last night, so I thought it would be nice to make him dinner and then maybe hang out, watch a movie together or something. My therapist told me to figure out my love languages and then communicate them with Tommy to strengthen our relationship, but he walked in, passed on the dinner I spent two hours putting together, and then went into our room for the rest of the night. Walked away while I was in the middle of a sentence and I didn’t even realize until I turned around and he wasn’t there. It was so frustrating, I just want someone to care about me, why can’t he see that?” Buck drops his head into his hands, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I slept on the couch cause I was so annoyed, I couldn’t stomach sleeping in the same bed.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then he hears the quiet clink of Eddie’s mug being set down and then Eddie’s warm hand is on one of his, gently prying it from his face and holding it between both of his hands. “I’m sorry, Buck. That’s awful. You deserve someone who’ll listen to all your fun facts.”

Buck snorts, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “You’re an asshole.”

Eddie just grins at him, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. “Yeah, but I’m your asshole.” Eddie kisses his hand again, looking suddenly shy. “Are you sure this is what you want, Buck? I meant what I said, I don’t know if I can love you like you deserve. I-I want to, but… I mean, my only reference is Shannon, and you know how well that went.”

Buck hums, turning his hand over to slide his fingers between Eddie’s. “Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, everyone I love has left me, you sure you wanna find out the reason?” he says, mostly joking, but a little bit not. Eddie’s eyes turn soft, and he gives Buck’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“No one who matters left you, Buck. Doug kept Maddie from you, but she fought to get back to you. Everyone else? Bobby, Athena, Chim, Hen, me? Christopher? We’re all still here. We never left you.”

Buck swallows despite his suddenly too-tight throat, blinking against the stinging in his eyes. “Yeah?”

Eddie smiles, pressing his lips to Buck’s knuckles. “Yeah.”

They stay like that for a while, just holding hands and sipping their coffee until they’re both finished. They quietly agree to try to get some sleep, so Buck washes their mugs and Eddie dries, and then they head back to the bunk room.

Buck is asleep within seconds, hand still warm from where Eddie’s was slotted for so long.

~

Buck, I don’t know if you can hear me, but please. I need you. You can’t go.

Buck startles awake to the sound of the bell, whatever dream he’d been in the middle of quickly fading. He rolls out of his bunk and stumbles out to get into his turnouts, hopping on the truck behind Eddie. Eddie shoots him a smile, pressing their legs together as they sit.

Hen gives them a weird look, but doesn’t say anything. Not that there’s anything to explain, at least not until he talks to Tommy. He remembers how he felt when he’d kissed Lucy and does not want a replay of that. Besides, even if they’re not a good match, Tommy still deserves an honest conversation and a real breakup. He’s not Abby.

Oh, fuck. He has to get divorced.

Their call is an uncontained fire in an apartment building. Of course it happened in the middle of the night, so nearly everyone was in their apartments at the time. Buck’s eyes flicker to Bobby, who he can tell is coiled more tightly than normal, and aches for him. It has to be too familiar, he can’t even imagine.

The incident commander sends him and Lewis to search the fifth floor, explaining that the seventh is engulfed and the sixth was cleared out prior to their arrival. Buck’s a well-oiled machine with Lewis at this point, so it takes them less than 10 minutes to clear the fifth floor. Buck radios to let them know Lewis is leaving with an injured toddler and that he’ll continue down to the fourth floor to keep evacuating. He sends Lewis a nod and then heads down, ignoring the sweat dripping down his back. They’ll hopefully be out of here soon, and from the various radio calls he’s absently hearing, they’re getting the blaze under control. 

It’s slow going, making his way through a smoky building with basically zero visibility, and he feels the missing piece of Eddie at his back so heavily. He’s so used to not having to second-guess himself because Eddie would be right there with him, but now he’s taking longer to think and make decisions. 

It’s what gets him in trouble, funny enough. He passes a young woman off to another firefighter and continues down the hallway, banging on doors, when he hears an ominous cracking under his right foot. It takes him three seconds to decide that he should probably get the fuck out of here before the floor or ceiling collapse onto him, but that three seconds is all it takes. The ground crumbles beneath him and he feels the distinct weightlessness of falling in the next breath, before he’s shouting and scrambling to grab onto something. There’s nothing nearby, so he tries to inhale and brace himself for the fall somehow. 

God, of course this would be his end. He’s gonna fall four fucking stories when everything he’s ever wanted is so close to being in his grasp. He should’ve just kissed Eddie earlier, should have just dealt with the fallout later. Or, better yet, called Tommy as soon as he and Eddie had straightened out their mess and asked for a divorce then and there. It’s gotta be some kind of cosmic joke, that every time he gets close to having something he wants, something to keep and call his, the universe does something to rip it from his grasp. Eddie’s voice in the back of his mind reminds him that the universe doesn’t send signs, but this feels like a pretty big fucking neon sign that getting what he wants just isn’t in the cards.

Instead of an aching as he hits the floor four stories below him, there’s just a sharp pain in his left shoulder as his fall is abruptly halted. He sucks in a breath through the searing pain, his brain absently realizing that there’s a hand grabbing his wrist, that there’s someone holding him. He blinks, lifting his gaze to find a firefighter above him, hand wrapped tightly around Buck’s wrist. He can’t see clearly through the smoke and the stupid fucking mask he has on, but he’d know who it was anywhere. He’d know Eddie in his sleep.

“Eddie?” he asks, dazed. 

“Told you, Buck. I’ve got your back.” Eddie throws his other hand over the edge, making a grabbing motion. “Come on, can’t pull you up by your wrist like this. Give me your other hand.” 

Buck swallows, managing a nod and swinging his other arm up, relief flooding his body as Eddie grasps his forearm. “On three?”

Eddie nods, so Buck counts them off and Eddie pulls, enough that Buck can grab onto the edge of what’s left of the floor and scramble over it, collapsing heavily on top of Eddie. He only manages three deep breaths before Eddie is shoving at him, pointing down the hallway.

“Come on, we need to get out of here. Building is unstable and we’re being pulled back until the fire is under control.” 

Buck nods, pushing himself to his feet and holding out a hand to drag Eddie to his, falling into step behind him back down the hallway. 

They make it out without any other incidents, much to Buck’s relief. He’s not sure he could’ve dealt with anything else going wrong. Eddie knocks his own helmet and mask off, taking deep, gasping breaths of the clean air outside, and Buck is so overwhelmed with the urge to kiss him that he’s halfway toward Eddie before he even consciously realizes it. And then he does realize it, and for a moment, he falters. Except, then Eddie’s looking over at him and Buck can’t help it, can’t think about anything except what Eddie tastes like. He’s not even sure when he removed his own helmet and mask, but he’s grabbing Eddie’s turnout coat and dragging him close, and then his lips are on Eddie’s and it just feels so fucking right, like nothing in his life ever has. Eddie grabs at his waist, fingers tight against Buck’s skin as he melts into the kiss. Buck just takes and takes, fingers sliding through Eddie’s sweat-soaked hair as his tongue slips into Eddie’s mouth with no resistance, and he tastes like smoke and sweat and that stupid fucking mint toothpaste he uses that Buck hates, and it’s perfect. Kissing Eddie is as simple as breathing, as simple as blinking. Buck never wants to let go.

Except, as he thinks that, he realizes where they are and tries to push himself away from Eddie, but Eddie just tightens his grip on Buck's sides and shakes his head.

“Don’t, Buck, don’t. It’s okay. No one’s here, we were the last out of the building. It’s okay.”

Buck whines, dragging Eddie back in for one more kiss. “Just wanna keep kissing you forever,” he murmurs against Eddie’s lips, swallowing the breathy laughs he gets in response.

“Well as soon as you break up with your husband, I’m all yours.” Buck flinches, feeling guilty that he’s forgotten about Tommy entirely. Eddie shakes his head, hands coming up to cup Buck’s face. “No, don’t do that. If we’d sorted this out two years ago, we could have avoided this whole mess. But we’re figuring it out now, okay? Together.”

Buck nods, ignoring the stinging in his eyes as he puts his hands over Eddie’s. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here.”

~

It’s three hours after the end of their shift by the time they get back to the firehouse. Buck takes a quick shower, rinsing away the smoke and soot from the fire. He gets dressed in his civilian clothes and grabs the rest of his things from his locker, smiling when he feels a hand on his back. 

“Hey,” Eddie says gently, thumb rubbing along Buck’s spine. “Come to mine tonight, after?”

Buck nods, closing his locker and turning, taking Eddie’s hand. “Yeah. Can’t imagine he’ll want me to stay. Are you sure? I-is Chris… does he hate me?”

Eddie frowns. “No, amor, Chris doesn’t hate you. He was angry for a while but I explained it to him and he… well, I won’t say he’s not still angry. But it’s not something that will be impossible to overcome.”

Buck nods again. “I’ll call you when I’m on my way, if you’re sure.”

“I’m positive. Be safe, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

Buck makes it back to his and Tommy’s place faster than he’d like. He’s dreading this conversation, but he knows it needs to happen, so he locks his Jeep behind him and heads inside.

Tommy’s sitting at the breakfast bar with a glass of whiskey in front of him, watching the door. Buck swallows, feeling a bit like he’s part of an ambush. He drops his duffel unceremoniously next to the door, which he kicks closed behind him. “Hey.”

“Anything you want to tell me, Evan?”

Buck can’t help the flinch at his name, at the tone with which it’s said. It makes him think of his dad, of all the times he’s heard his name in that exact same tone after doing something dangerous. “I kissed Eddie. And I want a divorce.”

Tommy stares at him, shaking his head and downing the rest of his glass. “Well, I didn’t think you’d actually admit to it, so kudos for that I guess. Kissing your ex best friend on a scene where other fire stations are probably isn’t a great idea.”

Buck sighs. “Look, Eddie is it for me. He always has been. And I’m sorry that it makes you feel like you’re a consolation prize. I am sorry I make you feel that way. I should have been honest with you up front, but I don’t think I was ready to face the fact that I was in love with him.” He sighs again, tucking his hands into his pockets. “I was always trying to get Eddie’s attention. I was mad because all of a sudden he was friends with you and I was losing time with him. And yes, that’s really fucking awful of me. I’m sorry I let it get this far.”

Tommy blinks, setting his glass down. “I… that’s… wow. Okay. Well, apology not accepted. You should have just talked to me.”

Buck snorts. “Why, so you could ignore me again?”

“What?”

He crosses his arms over his chest, partly self-conscious, but mostly just annoyed. “You ignore me. Basically all the time. We never spend any time together, you ask me how my day is and then you leave in the middle of the answer without even saying anything. I’ve tried! I tried to spend time with you, I tried to make you interested in me, but I feel like I’m suffocating. All I have ever wanted is someone to love me for who I am, to see me, and all you do is ignore me or act like I’m a burden.” He runs a hand through his hair, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “You have to see that this isn’t working, Tommy. You act like you don’t even want to be here half the time. I want a partner, not a roommate. I want someone who’s going to listen to all the dumb rants I go on, and all the fun facts I have about the most useless things. I want someone who actually cares about me.”

Tommy scoffs. “I do care about you, Evan.”

Buck rolls his eyes. “No, you don’t. You’ve made that pretty fucking clear. And I’m sorry that I let it go on this long, but there’s no fixing this. I’m gonna go grab some of my stuff and then I’m leaving. We’ll figure out everything else later.”

Tommy clenches his jaw, and Buck can tell he wants to fight, but after the shift he’s had and everything that’s happened, Buck just doesn’t have the energy. He grabs two of his spare duffel bags, packing clothes, toiletries, and anything else he can think of. He can feel Tommy’s eyes on him the entire time, and it makes his skin crawl. He doesn’t even bother to look back as he grabs all three of his bags and leaves not even ten minutes after he got back.

The drive to Eddie’s is longer than he’d like, nearly half an hour. Thankfully, there’s hardly any traffic this time of night, so he doesn’t have to compete with traffic at least. It’s nearly midnight when he gets to the Diaz house, and he wants so desperately to go inside and just be home again, but… it’s not his home anymore.

The thought aches, a tight pain behind his ribs. He thinks about starting his Jeep and heading for a hotel, but before he can make a decision either way, the door to the Diaz house opens and Eddie steps onto the porch.

He looks like a renaissance painting. Buck’s not even sure where that thought comes from, but it’s true. He’s soft and comfy with his sweats and his ruffled hair, and the dim yellow glow from the porch light makes it look like he has a halo. Buck is hit with such an overwhelming sense of want that he’s stepping out of the Jeep and taking a few short steps to the porch to wrap Eddie in his arms before he even makes the conscious decision to do so. Eddie sags into him, arms tight around Buck’s torso, face pressed into Buck’s neck.

“Hi,” Eddie whispers, fingers digging into the back of Buck’s shirt. Buck tucks his face into Eddie’s hair, inhaling slowly.

“Hi,” he murmurs back eventually, smiling as Eddie leans back to kiss him. “You’re sure about this?”

Eddie hums, pressing another quick kiss to Buck’s lips. “How much stuff do you have? Should have enough space in my room for it. Chris is at a sleepover, so we can get some sleep before we decide how to handle it with him.”

Buck smiles. God, he’s so fucking lucky. He and Eddie wordlessly grab his bags from the Jeep, knocking shoulders as they get his things inside and get ready for bed. They brush their teeth side by side, smiling stupidly at each other and sharing minty kisses on their way back to Eddie’s room.

It’s the first time he’s felt at home since he woke up with no memory of the last three years.

~

Buck, please. I need you to wake up. Dad needs you to wake up. I’m sorry I left, but you can’t leave us.

Buck snaps awake, blurrily staring at stark whiteness. It takes his eyes a moment to adjust, and then the radiating fucking pain from the back of his head hits him. He tries to whimper, but something stops the sound. A… a tube. There’s a tube in his throat. Fuck, that’s… that can’t be good. He blinks a few times, trying to turn his head to figure out what the fuck is going on. There’s a few coloring books and a book he knows Eddie was reading on a folding table nearby, and when he drags his gaze further to his left, he finds Eddie, sound asleep in an uncomfortable hospital chair, tucked as physically close to the bed as it can be. Buck gives himself a few moments to just look, taking in the dark bags underneath Eddie’s eyes, the wrinkle between his brows even when he’s asleep, the way he’s curled up tight in the chair like he’s trying to curl into himself. Buck wants so desperately to reach out and touch him, to take his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, to kiss him until they both can’t breathe. 

He doesn’t hear the clacking of Christopher’s crutches until he’s looking up and meeting Chris’s shocked face. 

“Buck! You’re awake!”

Eddie startles beside him, turning to look at Christopher before looking back at Buck. He blinks, rubbing his eyes and looking at Buck again.

“Dios, Buck, you’re… you’re really awake?”

Buck attempts a half-hearted shrug, wincing as the movement sends a sharp pain through his chest. Eddie puts a hand on his shoulder, leaning over him to press the call button on the wall. 

“Don’t move, okay? You’ve got stitches, don’t rip them. Hey, Chris and I will be right outside, okay? We’ll come back in as soon as they extubate you. I’ll let everyone know you’re awake.” He gives Buck’s hand a squeeze before ushering Christopher back into the hallway.

There’s a swarm of nurses in his room, checking his vitals and responses, removing the tube from his throat and checking the stitches on his chest and right arm. He barely manages three words before they let him know that he seems to be in okay health and that a doctor will be in to talk to him shortly. It’s barely fifteen seconds after the nurses leave that Eddie and Christopher come back into the room. Christopher gives him a careful but tight hug, and Buck blinks back tears and cards a hand through his hair. 

“Missed you, Chris,” he manages, though his voice is incredibly raspy. A tube in your throat for however long will do that, he assumes.

“Missed you too, Buck. I’m glad you came back.”

Buck smiles softly. “I’ll always come back for you, kid.”

Christopher steps away and then Eddie’s in his space again, helping him sit up and offering him a cup of water. Buck suddenly realizes how thirsty he is, grabbing for it and taking a few small sips.

“How are you feeling?” Eddie asks softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Buck clears his throat, wincing slightly. “Like someone hit me on the head with a cast iron pan.”

Eddie snorts. “Well, you’re not far off I guess. You fell four stories onto a pile of rubble. Got a chunk of metal through your torso for the trouble, and a nasty head wound.”

Four stories. Apparently his brain had been trying to get him to remember.

Chris drops into the chair Eddie had been in previously. “You scared us, Buck.”

“Sorry, kiddo,” he murmurs, reaching out to give Chris’s hand a squeeze. “But I’m okay. Promise.”

“Chris, mijo, why don’t you go find Maddie and show her to the room, hm?”

Chris rolls his eyes, though he does stand. “I’m not a baby, you can just say you want to talk to Buck alone. Maddie already knows where his room is.”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Can I speak to Buck alone, please?”

Chris lets out a disgruntled huff, but gives Buck another gentle hug and leaves the room. Eddie watches after him for a moment before turning back to Buck and crossing his arms over his chest. “You made me your power of attorney?”

Buck winces. “Ah, I was going to talk to you about that and… forgot. It was Maddie, but then everything with her postpartum, I didn’t want it to have to be her if something happened.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with that explanation. “Buck, that was over three years ago.”

“Yeah, well. I forgot. I did mean to tell you. I’m sorry.” He winces again, wishing he had a better excuse.

Eddie huffs a laugh. “I guess it's no different than springing potential custody of my kid on you without telling you. And hey, they put the chunk of your skull they took out back in, so.” He shrugs. Buck just stares at him, mouth gaping.

“They took out a chunk of my skull?!”

~

He’s stuck in the hospital for at least three more days. After visiting with Maddie, Eddie, and Chris, he’d taken his phone from Eddie for a quick Facetime with Bobby, Hen, and Chim, who were on shift. They got interrupted by the bell, of course, but they spoke for long enough that all three seemed satisfied that Buck was feeling okay and would keep in contact.

Eddie’s packing up their things when Buck finally recognizes the tension in his shoulders. He’s been tense since Maddie left a couple of hours ago, but Buck doesn’t exactly want to bring it up in front of Christopher. 

“Eddie,” he says, quietly enough that it doesn’t startle the man. “What’s wrong?”

Eddie clears his throat. “Tommy texted me. I let him know you were awake, he asked if you felt like seeing him in the morning.”

Buck barely keeps himself from wrinkling his nose. He knows the Tommy in his coma dream hadn’t been the real Tommy, of course, but it had put the deficits of their relationship in a damn spotlight. “Sure. I need to talk to him anyway. I’ll send him a text.”

Eddie nods, reaching over to give Buck’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I gotta get Chris set up with Carla, but then I’ll be back, okay? I checked with your doctor, I’ll bring you some non-hospital food for lunch.”

Buck grins, snuggling back into the bed. “Keep that up and I might just have to marry you, Diaz.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, a fond smile at the corners of his lips. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll bring you soup from that cafe you like, alright?”

“Sounds like a dream,” Buck manages, already fighting to keep his eyes open. He distantly registers Eddie’s fingers brushing through his hair, and a blanket being tugged over him. 

“Night, Buck. See you tomorrow.”

Buck barely manages a goodnight back before he’s sound asleep.

~

Buck wakes to a knock on his door. He manages a hoarse, “come in,” as he attempts to sit up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Tommy steps in, a small smile on his face. “Evan. You’re awake.”

Buck clears his throat. “Yeah. Hi.”

Tommy crosses the room and leans down to kiss him and Buck can’t help but panic and turn his face away. It’s stupid, but it feels like cheating. 

“S-sorry, I, uh. We should talk.”

Tommy blinks, settling into the seat Eddie had vacated last night. “Sure, right. Are you… okay? How are you feeling?”

Buck laughs humorlessly. “Like I fell four stories and cracked my head open. And my stitches fucking burn, which is great. I’m stuck in here for at least three more days, and then god only knows how long in recovery and physical therapy. So. I’m alive, I guess.”

“Well, you’re welcome to stay with me while you do your PT. I can’t imagine your loft is going to be great while you’re recovering.” 

“Oh.” Buck blinks. “I, uh—Eddie actually offered, we sort of… well, he already knows my physical therapist and Bobby usually lets him adjust his schedule so he can take me to appointments, and I can help out, y’know, if Chris is staying. I can’t believe he’s back.”

Tommy huffs a laugh, leaning back in his chair. “Right. Should have guessed. Just, y’know, I thought you’d maybe want to stay with your boyfriend while you recovered.” 

Buck raises an arm to rub at the back of his neck, hissing when it pulls at the stitches in his chest. “Look, it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just… we’re not a good fit. I mean, you must see that too. We never go on dates, not since the one Eddie and Marisol saw us on, and whenever I try to tell you about whatever Wikipedia rabbit hole I’ve gone down, you just tune me out. Not to mention how you brushed off everything I told you about Gerrard. I just wanted my boyfriend to let me bitch about my shitty boss and you just kept making excuses for him. And, look, I-I get it. I can be a lot to handle. I know that. But I’ve spent so long looking for someone to build a life with, and… and this whole thing has made me re-evaluate a lot. I don’t want someone who’s just going to tolerate me. I want someone who’s going to love every single part of me, including the overly talkative parts and the hard to love parts. I-I just… I don’t think—no, I know this isn’t what I’m looking for. We should break up.”

Tommy scrubs a hand over his face, slouching in his chair. “This is about Eddie, isn’t it?”

Buck sighs, shifting a bit to try to get into a somewhat comfortable position. “Not entirely, but yeah, some of it is about Eddie.”

Tommy sighs. “It was Eddie’s attention you were trying to get, not mine. You were mad because I was taking him away from you.”

Buck winces, nodding. “Yeah. I-I don’t think I realized, at least not consciously. For what it’s worth, I really did think it was you that I was interested in. And I mean, Eddie doesn’t even swing that way anyway, so it’s not like it matters. But I don’t want to lead you on. This… this isn’t ever going to go anywhere. Eddie’s… I think he’s it for me, as pathetic as that sounds. He and Chris, they’re… all I’ve wanted since I left Pennsylvania was a family, somewhere to call home, and they’re it for me. So. I-I can’t… I can’t be a partner, not the way you deserve.”

“I get it, Evan. It’s fine.” Tommy scoffs as he stands, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, it’s not like you were my first choice either. I thought we were just having some fun, that you were exploring your sexuality.” Tommy snorts. “I mean, I wanted to date Eddie too, I get it.”

Buck blinks. “Y-you… what?”

Tommy turns to look at him. “I flew him to Vegas for a fight, of course I was trying to date him. You think I just fly my friends places for fun?” Tommy scoffs again, shoving his hands in his pockets. “But sure, we can break up. This was only supposed to be fun anyway. Good luck being in love with your straight best friend, Evan.”

Tommy turns, and it’s only then that Buck realizes the door to his room is still open and Eddie is standing there with a shocked look on his face, eyes darting between Buck and Tommy. Buck wants to curl into himself and just die, because there’s no way in hell Eddie didn’t hear that last barb from Tommy, if not the entire conversation. He can’t seem to tear his eyes away from Eddie’s face, though, and he doesn’t know what to make of the emotions running across it. 

“His name is Buck,” Eddie says eventually, both Tommy and Buck just staring at him dumbly. “He hates being called Evan,” he adds, softer, taking a few steps into the room. “You should leave, Kinard.”

Tommy must want to argue, because the look Eddie shoots him is absolutely lethal, and Tommy doesn’t argue. He doesn’t even look back at Buck as he leaves, he just shoulders past Eddie and shuts the door behind himself.

“E-Eddie, I don’t know how much you heard—”

Eddie shakes his head, clearing his throat and setting takeout bags on the table near Buck’s bed. “I love you too, Buck. And I guess I should tell you I’m gay.” Eddie grins. “Thanks, Frank.”

Buck blinks. And then blinks again, because there’s no fucking way. “Y-you… you love me?” It’s all he can get out, and it’s so dazed and quiet that he’s not even sure Eddie can hear it.

“Yeah, Buck,” Eddie says softly, taking Buck’s hand in his own and squeezing gently. “I didn’t even realize why all my relationships were such disasters until Frank pointed out that I wasn’t trying to fill the role of a partner, because I already have you. I was just trying to fill the role of Christopher’s mother, which doesn’t need to be filled. He’s already got two parents.”

Buck swallows past the sudden lump in his throat, eyes glued to where Eddie’s holding his hand. “Eddie, I… are you sure? I mean, you’ve seen how all my other relationships have gone.”

Eddie smirks. “Think I’ve got you beat in that department, Buck. Besides, we’ve known each other for, what, seven years at this point? Our relationship has been rock solid, adding a new layer to it isn’t going to suddenly ruin it.”

“What about Chris? What’s he doing home, anyway? Thought he was still mad at you.”

Eddie hums, shuffling the tray table out of the way so he can sit on the edge of the bed. “He is. Was? I don’t know, I think he still is. He wasn’t going to come back until school started, but then you fell and…” Eddie swallows, looking away and blinking a few times. “We thought we were gonna lose you, Buck,” he says softly, like if he says it too loud it’ll make it real. “You were out for nine days. Swelling in your brain was going down by day four but you just weren’t waking up. They, uh… they told me I might need to start thinking about long-term options, and if I wanted to keep you on a ventilator or not.”

Buck winces. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I…” Buck clears his throat, giving Eddie’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I didn’t think you’d mind. Who better to have my back, right?”

Eddie chuckles, though his eyes look a little watery. “I get it, you don’t need to keep apologizing. It’s okay, really. Honestly, I’m kind of honored you chose me. Anyway, Chris came home just in case things went south. I-I didn’t want him to not have a chance to, you know… say goodbye, if it came to that. He’s staying with Pepa right now.”

Buck squeezes his hand. “I’m sorry I scared you guys.”

Eddie laughs, though this one is quieter as he wipes tears away. “Please stop apologizing for almost dying, Buck. It’s not your fault. The floor collapsed, you didn’t know it was going to happen. There’s nothing anyone could have done. Besides, it got you to break up with Tommy, so.”

Buck laughs. “I thought you and Tommy were friends!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but the playful smile Buck loves is back on his face. “Apparently he was just trying to get in my pants.”

“Can’t blame him,” he says softly, swallowing back the sudden nervousness. Eddie snorts.

“Yeah, well, at least you actually have a chance.”

Buck hums thoughtfully. “Only a chance? Maybe I should demonstrate some of my skills, make sure I get the opportunity.”

“Buck, you’re in the hospital.”

“I meant kissing, Eds.”

There’s a pause, and Buck chances a look over at Eddie, who looks like he simultaneously wants to argue and wants to just agree, so Buck shifts a bit to sit up more.

“I’m fine, okay? I am. But I’ve been wondering what it would be like to kiss you since I woke up yesterday and I think I might die if I don’t find out.”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “That’s not funny. You almost just died, you can’t joke about dying yet.”

“Yeah, almost being the key word there. I’m fine. I’d be better if you’d just—”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish the thought, because Eddie’s hands are cupping his cheeks, and then Eddie’s lips are on his and Buck’s sort of wondering if he actually has died and this is heaven. Or maybe he’s still in his coma dream and this is just another fucked up layer of it. But then Eddie’s smiling against his lips and pulling away to press a kiss to his forehead, and Buck breathes out a sigh. 

“That was way better than the one in my coma dream.”

Eddie blinks. “You dreamed about me?”

Buck laughs. “I always dream about you, Eds. Well, except for last time. You and Chris weren’t in it, that’s how I knew something was up. Actually, this one wasn’t too far off…”

Eddie lets him explain the entire dream while they have lunch—Buck’s favorite soup that Eddie always gets him when he’s sick, and a grilled cheese that they split—and it’s the best day Buck can remember having in a long time. Except hopefully after this, he’ll get to keep having better days, with Eddie by his side in all the ways that matter.

[archive-buddiedreams]

strange look on his face | a buddie fic

read here on ao3

Summary: Eddie deals with the aftermath of Christopher's departure and a realization he wasn't expecting.

Warnings/Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Feelings Realization, Pining Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan "Buck" Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley is Christopher Diaz's Parent, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz First Kiss, First Kiss, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Gay Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Christopher Diaz is a Sweetheart, Evan "Buck" Buckley Acting as Christopher Diaz's Parental Figure

Christopher has been gone for three and a half weeks when Eddie finally realizes. He’s been through six sessions of therapy with Frank, but it’s not Frank that makes it finally click in his head. It’s the most insanely mundane thing Eddie’s ever seen Buck do, and it hits him like a fucking freight train.

Buck is just sitting on the end of the couch, folding a load of his and Eddie’s laundry, grinning down at his phone. He’s texting Chris, Eddie knows—he’d asked with a strange pit in his stomach when he first noticed, thinking he was talking to Tommy and dreading the answer. Until Buck had looked at him, fondness so clear in his eyes that if Eddie wasn’t already sitting down, his knees would have buckled, and admits that he’s talking to Christopher. Eddie doesn’t even have to ask for Buck to explain that Chris was talking about going horse riding with his cousins, and how he was complaining that his grandparents didn’t want him to go. Buck gently admits that he’d told Christopher to be nice but to explain to them that he knows his own limitations and he needs them to trust that he’s being honest with them, and Chris had texted back to thank Buck for the advice and send a picture of the horse he was going to be riding.

It’s so stupid. Buck has been basically co-parenting Chrisopher with him for years, and this is what does it? Sure, Buck generally defers to Eddie’s judgment regarding Christopher, and Eddie’s always the one to dole out punishments in the rare circumstance that Chris needs one, but for all intents and purposes, Buck is Christopher’s other dad. Maybe it’s the combination of things he’s been talking with Frank about, or maybe it’s just watching Buck help to shape the confidence of his son, but it finally clicks into place in his brain and he draws in a sharp breath. It feels like a monumental shift and no shift at all, how much he loves Buck. How much he’s in love with Buck. Eddie’s sure Buck could see his frantic heartbeat in his neck if he looked over, but he’s focused on his conversation with their son, and all Eddie wants to do is cry. He’s not even sure why. He’s just so fucking overwhelmed that he rattles off a quiet explanation of going to the bathroom and all but flees from the room.

They have a shift in two hours, so he gives himself five minutes to freak the hell out before splashing some cold water on his face and taking a few deep breaths to collect himself. He can keep it together. He can. He’s apparently been in love with his best friend this entire time, just because he realizes it now doesn’t mean anything has to change. He’ll just… unpack this with Frank in therapy and then push it back into the box before he has to hang out with Buck again. Easy.

He lasts about ten minutes, which he thinks is actually fairly good. Buck has his head thrown back, laughing at something in the show he’s watching, and Eddie can’t help but stare. He’s seen Buck before, but it’s like he’s suddenly seeing him in a new light. Like he’s finally giving himself permission to look, which he absolutely should not be doing, but he can’t tear his eyes away. He’d always known objectively that Buck was beautiful, hell, he got hit on all the time on calls and when they went out, it’s not exactly a surprise to Eddie, but the sudden tightness in his jeans is a much bigger surprise than he’s ready for. He can’t pull his eyes away from Buck’s lips, the lines of his throat, and can’t help but wonder what that would feel like around his cock.

Holy shit, he needs the coldest shower on the planet right now. Instead, he shuffles just a little to relieve some of the pressure on his aching dick and focuses his attention on whatever show Buck is currently invested in, letting himself get distracted enough that he’s mostly okay once they head out for work.

He makes it through a couple hours of their shift without incident, until Tommy shows up to have dinner with them. Buck looks surprised and a little annoyed—what the fuck is that about—so Eddie assumes he hadn’t been invited, but it still makes him nauseous. He takes his normal seat on Buck’s left and sees Tommy giving him a weird look before taking the seat on Buck’s right.

Much to Eddie’s delight, Buck spends most of dinner chatting with the table at large, or tilting his phone so Eddie can see the pictures Chris is sending of himself and his cousins around a backyard campfire, sticky with marshmallow and grinning at the camera. It makes Eddie’s chest ache, in a good and bad way. He’s happy that Chris is having fun—he’d been able to admit that much to Frank too, which Frank had seemed impressed by—but Eddie can’t help but feel like he’s back in the army, missing his kid growing up. He knows it’s only for the summer, and that Christopher rightfully needed some space, but it doesn’t make it sting any less. Honestly, he thinks it stings more because he’d assumed that if Chris ran to anyone, it would be Buck. That Buck would have been the one looking after Christopher for the summer, that Eddie would still at least be in the same city as his kid. Not that it would have worked out anyway, since Buck offered the loft to Bobby and Athena after the fire, but it doesn’t make Eddie any less annoyed by the situation. His relationship with his parents has been getting better, marginally, but it’s like all of his worst fears coming true. They have Christopher now, and Eddie just has to trust that he’s going to come home at the end of the summer. It’s nerve wracking.

Buck walks Tommy out after dinner, and Eddie catches Tommy leaning in to kiss Buck, and in the back of his brain, he just wants. He wants Buck’s lips on his, wants to grab every part of skin he can reach, wants to lose himself in his best friend. And then his brain—his raised very Catholic brain—screeches to a halt as he realizes the implications.

He’s never been particularly religious, but he was raised in a Catholic household, so he’s still got some of the lingering ideas fighting for space in his brain, clearly. The particular one that’s bugging him right now is the one that reminds him that it’s a sin to be gay, to lust after another man. And while Eddie’s mostly able to reject it, since he sort of thinks it’s all bullshit anyway, there’s a piece of him that closes in on itself, and it makes his skin crawl. Normally, he’d talk to Buck about it, but that’s out of the question since he’d have to admit to the revelation he’s recently had, so Eddie turns to where Bobby is washing the dishes from dinner. It takes him all of three seconds to decide, and then he’s crossing the length of the loft to grab a towel and start drying.

Bobby glances at him but doesn’t say anything, which Eddie is incredibly grateful for. It takes him a couple of minutes of drying and putting the dishes away to collect himself and figure out exactly what the fuck he wants to ask, and how to ask it.

“Hey, Cap, you’re Catholic, right?”

Bobby turns to raise an eyebrow at him. “Yes. Is that what you came over to ask me?”

Eddie snorts. “Uh, not exactly. I—well, it’s sort of… complicated? I think I realized something about myself and, you know, I don’t know if I believe in that or not, but I grew up Catholic, so it’s still kind of, uh, infecting me I guess?” Eddie pauses, eyes widening in panic as he realizes what he’s just said. “Not that being Catholic is a bad thing! I just meant, you know, I don’t know if I agree with everything they teach, not that they’re bad people or something—” He stops when Bobby, chuckling to himself, puts a wet hand on his forearm and squeezes gently.

“Eddie, you don’t need to apologize to me. Faith isn’t for everyone, I know that. It’s helped me through some tough times, and it’s something that I think I’ll always hold space for because of that, but I don’t care what other people think of it. Besides, I don’t agree with everything the church teaches, either.” Bobby meets his eyes meaningfully, raising an eyebrow. “Particularly that they’re so unwelcoming to the queer community.”

Eddie swallows. “Right. So, um, I guess I was just sort of wondering about… confession? I haven’t been since I was a teenager, but I thought that it might… I don’t know, make me feel better about everything, I guess? But I don’t have a church I go to, so I figured maybe I should ask you. ”

Bobby raises an eyebrow at him. “Confession? Do you think you’ve done something that requires confession?”

Eddie bites his lip, resisting the sudden and overwhelming urge to look around and find Buck’s gaze. “I… I don’t know. Maybe? I just—I didn’t think it would matter to me but it sort of just hit me? My parents are God-fearing Texans, y’know, so…I guess it became part of my foundation when I was growing up?”

Bobby nods his understanding, taking the towel from Eddie to dry his own hands. “Sure, I can send you the address. But just so we’re on the same page? Not everything the Catholic church teaches is right, and you shouldn’t believe a lot of it. Especially when it makes you feel bad about parts of who you are. Okay?”

Eddie wants to throw up and also hug Bobby, and he isn’t quite sure which is going to win out, so he dries his own hands off and nods, shooting Bobby a small smile before whispering his thanks and heading off to finish up his chores.

They have almost nonstop calls until the end of their shift, so Eddie doesn’t even really get enough time to decide if he wants to try going to Bobby’s church or not. By the time he finally walks out of the station, a full two hours after his shift was supposed to end, he’s still not sure it’ll help, but it can’t hurt, surely, so he plugs the address into his GPS and heads directly there. He’s far too pent up from… well, everything, he wouldn’t be able to sleep even if he wanted to. Besides, there might not be anyone there to begin with. It’s after 10pm when he gets there, so he’s not expecting a whole hell of a lot when he steps through the surprisingly still unlocked front doors.

The church beyond the doors is silent and empty, at least from what Eddie can see. It’s just like the church he remembers at home—huge and overwhelming and uninviting—and it makes his chest go tight. He thinks about just turning around and going home, but he knows he’s going to lay in bed for hours trying to sleep, thinking about how he should have just checked to see if anyone was here. He sucks in a breath, sending a quick text to Buck to let him know he’ll be home late, and wanders inside.

It’s bigger than he was expecting, although that’s how almost everything in LA is, so he shouldn’t be surprised at this point. He still doesn’t see anyone, not that he’d really know where to look, but he’s already come this far. He settles into one of the pews near the altar, hands clasping together between his knees automatically. He thinks about praying, but he’s really not sure what that would even do for him, or what he would say, and the thought of doing it makes his skin crawl just a little bit. He ends up just sitting quietly, trying to sort through the thoughts whizzing through his head and organize them into some semblance of a plan, some direction to go from here.

“Can I help you?”

Eddie startles at the voice, turning to find a priest watching him. “Oh, uh. Maybe. I don’t—this isn’t really my thing.”

The priest smiles gently, nodding to the spot next to Eddie. Eddie nods back, scooting over just a bit to make more room for him to sit. “So what brings you here so late, if it’s not really your thing?”

Eddie clears this throat, squeezing his hands tightly. “I, um. I think I might be in love with my best friend.” He doesn’t want to look, but the priest doesn’t say anything after a while, so Eddie glances over at him. He’s just waiting with an eyebrow raised. “He, uh… he’s a man,” Eddie adds, preparing for the worst.

Except, it doesn’t come. The expression on the priest’s face doesn’t change, which is… confusing. Although, Bobby had sent him here after his rather pointed comment about the queer community, so maybe…

“I know most churches within Catholicism will tell you that’s a problem, but we don’t believe that here. For what it’s worth, as someone who has studied the Bible, I think they��re wrong anyway. The most common quote people use is wildly misused.”

Eddie blinks. “The don’t lay with another man one?”

The priest nods. “It comes from Leviticus, which explains the rules God laid down for Moses’ people. It’s been passed down for centuries, like a game of telephone, and most people disregard a lot of the things in that book anyway. It instructs us to kill adulterers, tell us where to buy slaves from, not to eat anything from the water if it doesn’t have fins and scales. A lot of it is commonly disregarded, and yet it’s used to isolate a community that just wants to practice their faith like the rest of us.”

Eddie swallows, his throat suddenly too tight. “So… it’s not… I’m not… I don’t even think I believe in Hell, actually. I don’t even really know what I’m doing here.”

The priest smiles. “Did you grow up Catholic?”

Eddie nods. “Sunday school and everything, yeah. Stopped going once I got my girlfriend pregnant, mostly because my parents were embarrassed and didn’t want me around for people to gossip about, but I honestly didn’t really care that we stopped going. I used to just zone out for mass anyway, I just never really cared about it. Never… connected with it, or whatever.” He feels like an idiot saying all of that to a priest, but he’s already here. Might as well do something to try to sort through his feelings, and there’s no way Frank was going to take his call at ten at night.

“That’s understandable. A lot of people who grow up in a faith-based family struggle, especially in their adult life. Faith is an intensely personal thing, and no two people worship the same. Some people don’t even worship at all, and that’s okay too. Not everyone needs to. Your faith is between you and whatever higher power you believe in, if any.”

“But that’s… is that how it works? I remember learning all the rules when I was younger, about how to act and what was… you know, okay?”

The priest hums. “Sure. Different churches have different beliefs. Honestly, beliefs even differ between priests. But I’m not going to tell you that being attracted to your male best friend is wrong, or that it’s going to damn you. Jesus taught that the most important thing was to love thy neighbor no matter what, that’s what I try to live by.”

Eddie sits back in the pew, taking a deep breath. This… isn’t what he expected. Honestly, he’d sort of expected to be told that he was an abomination and that he should leave before he burst into flames. This is the exact opposite of what he was expecting, and it’s kind of freeing. He’s not even really sure if he believes in a god, and even if he did, he doesn’t think a god would care who he decides to sleep with, but to have that reinforced by someone from the religion he was raised in? That taught him that being gay was a sin, and that there was nothing worse than being a sinner? It’s a relief.

“Tell me about him, if you think it will help.”

Eddie smiles. “He’s… he’s the best person I know. He’s been through so much and he’s still unflinchingly kind, I don’t know how he does it. He’s incredible with my son. Honestly, I think my son might like him more than he likes me. And he just fits, you know? I didn’t even realize I was in love with him until yesterday, but he’s basically been my partner for years. He helps me with my son, we spend basically all of our time together, and the house always feels so empty when he leaves. God, I just want him to stay,” Eddie finishes in a whisper, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I want him to be where he belongs, with us.”

“Have you told him that?”

Eddie shakes his head. “He’s dating someone else. I don’t… I can’t get in the way of that. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I ruined a relationship he was happy in.”

The priest chuckles. “If he’s happy, you telling him won’t make any difference. Either he’ll realize that he’d rather be with you, or he’ll stay in a relationship he’s happy in.” He leans toward Eddie, a conspiratorial smile on his lips. “But just between you and me, platonic best friends don’t typically co-parent children together.”

Eddie blinks. “I… hadn’t thought about that. I just assumed he was doing it to be a nice guy, but… I don’t know, I think I might be biased? I mean, I want him there when I get home, I want him to do school pickup with me and go to parent-teacher conferences. I want to take us on family vacations and have Chris wake us up way too early on Christmas. I don’t think I can see past it now that I know, you know?”

“You might be biased, but maybe he is too. It takes two, and from what it sounds like, he’s spending just as much time with you and voluntarily helping you with your son.”

Eddie nods, running a hand through his hair. “And God’s not gonna, I don’t know, strike me down with lightning if I kiss him?”

The priest snorts. “No. I imagine God has better things to be doing.”

They sit in silence for another few minutes, until Eddie feels like he’s calmed down enough to face Buck. He murmurs a thank you toward the priest, who nods and tells him to get home safe, disappearing through a door behind the altar. Eddie clears his throat, fishing his keys out of his pocket and heading back to his truck.

Buck’s Jeep isn’t in the driveway when he gets home, which is… weird. Buck’s become much more of a homebody while Chris has been gone, although Eddie suspects that’s because he’s mostly been moping around the house and Buck has been looking after him. Still, he had expected Buck to be here when he got home, and the lack of a message or call letting Eddie know he was going elsewhere is worrisome. He opens their message thread, debating whether he should send a message, before deciding against it and switching to Find My Friends.

Eddie swallows, biting his bottom lip. He knows exactly where Buck is, because he’s been there too—Tommy’s apartment. The sight makes Eddie physically ill, so he closes out of the app and takes a deep breath that does nothing to stop the roiling in his gut. Alright, so maybe not confessing his feelings, then. He still feels like he’s bursting to talk about them, though, so he does the only logical thing he can think of—logs into the account he uses to schedule his therapy appointments and takes an open spot for tomorrow morning. They're off anyway, and he needs to get this off his chest sooner rather than later, before he does something stupid like word vomiting his feelings all over Buck.

He must’ve fallen asleep on the couch at some point after checking on Christopher through his mother, because the next thing he knows, he’s hearing keys in the front door over the sound of whatever is playing quietly on the TV. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, shutting the TV off and trying to decide if he should scurry off to his bedroom before he has to face Buck, but he doesn’t get a chance to make a decision either way before Buck’s walking inside. He’s struggling, and Eddie’s off the couch before he can even consciously think about it, taking a cardboard box from Buck’s hands with a confused look.

“My stuff from Tommy’s,” Buck says, like that explains literally anything.

“Why are you bringing your stuff back from Tommy’s?”

Buck raises an eyebrow at him. “Uh, I broke up with him? Kind of thought that would’ve been obvious since I’m lugging all my shit home. Honestly, I don’t even know how this much of my stuff ended up at Tommy’s place to begin with. I don’t think I’ve been there more than a handful of times.”

Eddie’s sure the rest of whatever Buck’s saying is important, but the only thing his brain can process at the moment is that Buck broke up with Tommy.

“You okay, Eds?”

Eddie blinks at him, plastering on a smile he hopes doesn’t look as fake as it feels, and nods. “Yeah, yeah, all good. I’m sorry about you and Tommy.”

Buck waves a hand toward the corner of the living room, so Eddie drops the box there. “It’s fine. It wasn’t gonna last anyway. He was really fucking annoying with the whole Gerard thing, and I think he mostly just tunes me out all the time anyway. I hadn’t even talked to him in, like, a week. I don’t know why he just showed up for dinner.”

Eddie blinks. “What do you mean ‘the whole Gerard thing’?”

Buck frowns at him, sitting heavily on the couch. “What do you mean, what do I mean? You were there. He was being really homophobic toward Hen, and snidely racist toward her and Chim.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “No, yeah, I know that. I meant what do you mean Tommy was annoying about it?”

“Oh. He basically told me that he dealt with Gerard for years and that I should just keep my mouth shut and do my job. I tried to get him to understand that it’s my family he’s attacking, but… I dunno. He didn’t seem to get it, and whenever I’d try to vent about it to him, he’d just pull the whole ‘should’ve just kept your mouth shut’ thing.”

Eddie frowns. “That’s… why did you let him treat you like that?”

Buck snorts. “Did you miss the part where I said I broke up with him?”

“No, I heard it, but Gerard’s been gone for two weeks. Why didn’t you break up with him before?”

“Oh, uh…” Buck rubs a hand over the back of his neck, and Eddie can see his cheeks reddening. “I actually, uh, hadn’t really seen him before now?”

Eddie blinks. Blinks again. Licks over his bottom lip and crosses his arms over his chest as he thinks back. Because he knows Buck is right. Hell, they’ve been living together for the better part of a month now, and Eddie knows that Buck has been here basically the whole time, blowing off his boyfriend to comfort Eddie. He feels less bad about it knowing that Buck was kind of avoiding Tommy anyway, but he still feels bad. He hadn’t intended to monopolize so much of Buck’s time. “Shit, because you were here. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Eddie, you didn’t do anything, okay? I was kind of done with Tommy by that point anyway, and I’d rather be with—” Buck cuts himself off, sending a panicked glance in Eddie’s direction. “Be here. Cause I know you’re having a tough time with Chris gone and honestly I miss him too, so it’s kinda nice being here. We can mope together.”

Eddie snorts. “God, aren’t we a pair of sorry bastards.”

Buck hums. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Eddie’s pretty sure his heart has beat its way out of his body entirely. This is far too intimate for how raw he’s feeling right now, so he gives himself a minute of buffer so Buck doesn’t think he’s fleeing, and then flees to his bedroom with a mumbled goodnight. He changes into his pajamas and slips out to the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed, praying silently that Buck stays on the couch and Eddie doesn’t have another reason to swallow down his suddenly so clear feelings.

He’s exhausted when he finally gets into bed, but then his brain decides to be a traitorous asshole and give him the idea that his bed would be far more comfortable with Buck next to him in it. Eddie has the overwhelming urge to punch something, so he aggressively fluffs his own pillow, rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head.

He needs to talk to Frank, he knows that much. And Buck, probably. Although, strangely enough, Eddie doesn’t really doubt that his feelings will be returned. He has a sneaking suspicion that Buck might have just been waiting for him to catch up, which just makes him sad. What if he hadn’t ever caught up? What if he’d just married some nice girl and struggled through it, instead of the clusterfuck that led him to where he is now? He thinks he knows the answer (that Buck would have resigned himself to just being Eddie’s best friend and taken whatever scraps he could get) but it honestly just makes him feel worse about everything.

He needs to talk to Christopher.

The thought hits him like a brick to the face, because of course he needs to talk to Christopher. He hasn’t even spoken to his son since he left, only getting updates on his time in El Paso from his own mother and Buck, since Chris and Buck are still texting almost constantly. Still, if he’s… depending on what happens with Frank tomorrow, he’s going to have to suck it up and call Chris and hope to a god he probably doesn’t believe in that his son answers.

X

“I’m in love with Buck,” Eddie blurts out, less than thirty seconds into his therapy appointment. Frank has the audacity to not even look surprised, which makes Eddie scowl. He really had been the last one to catch up.

“What made you realize?”

Eddie scrubs a hand over his face, sighing. “It’s stupid.”

He hears Frank sigh and winces, already knowing the therapy speech that’s about to be leveled at him. “Eddie, there’s nothing stupid about your feelings. Where they come from may not always be logical, but the feelings themselves are worthy and you’re allowed to have them.”

He takes a sip of water, mostly for something to do, and nods. “Yeah, I know. It’s just, of all the things that could’ve clued me in, it was… basically nothing. He was just folding laundry on the couch and talking to Chris. And, yeah, he was giving Chris advice on how to handle my parents doubting his abilities, but that’s—he does that all the time, you know? Gives Chris advice, helps him work through problems. I honestly don’t know what made it click.” He lets out a long breath, clearing his throat. “I think it was just the domesticity of it all. Like we were just spending a day hanging out before work and our son was out with friends. And I just… I wanted that, you know? I want him there all the time. I want to make dinner with him and Chris and spend our days off taking him to the zoo and the science center, waking up to Buck in my arms every morning. I want to be able to not second-guess myself every time I go to touch him.”

Eddie’s breathing hard when he stops his rant, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. He doesn’t usually talk that much in therapy, and Frank seems a little surprised by his sudden outburst.

“So what’s stopping you from discussing your feelings with him?”

Eddie blows out a breath. “I… I think it’s Chris. I mean, not that I think he would be upset if I dated Buck, but I think… I think that after what happened, with Marisol a-and Kim, I don’t want to just jump into another relationship. I know I really hurt him and I want to get better for him, you know? I don’t want him to come home and I’m already dating someone else, I just… I want him to see that I’m trying to get better, and I don’t think he’ll see that if he comes back and I’m already dating someone else.”

Frank closes his notebook. “I’m impressed with your progress, Eddie. You’ve been doing well.”

Eddie blinks at him. “I… have? I don’t feel like much has changed.”

Frank smiles. “It may not feel like it, but I don’t think you registered what you just said to me.”

“What did I say?” Eddie asks, frowning as he spins his last admission around in his head.

“You told me what you want. You want Christopher to see that you’re working through your issues and improving, and that you want Buck. A month ago, you wouldn’t have said those outright. You would have danced around the admission until I pulled it out of you. I barely said anything before you were admitting your wants. That's an improvement, Eddie. It may not seem like it, but admitting that you want things is a step closer to letting yourself have the things you want.”

Eddie squirms in his seat, clearing his throat. He wants to refute it, but he knows Frank is right. He’s always struggled with wanting things for himself, especially after Christopher was born. His parents had always instilled selflessness in him, and made sure he understood that as a parent, Christopher was his priority, nothing else, even if they often disagreed about what that meant.

“I want to take Buck on dates,” Eddie whispers, eyes pointedly fixed on his hands. “I want to be able to take Buck to dinner and leave Chris with Abuela, or with his friends, and just… be with Buck. Is that awful?”

Frank sets his notebook aside, sitting forward. “No, Eddie. That’s not awful. You’re a parent, so of course Christopher is a priority, but he shouldn’t be your only priority. It’s important that you’re happy, too. We’ve discussed your affair at length, but it boils down to this: your unhappiness directly hurt your son. You were unhappy in a relationship because of your trauma regarding Shannon, which led you to make decisions that ultimately hurt Christopher. You simply returning to your sessions with me was an incredible step toward progress, and you’ve made great progress working with me. Chris will be impressed, even if it takes him some time to sort through his feelings. And, more importantly, you’ll be showing him that it’s important to make sure you are content with your life while taking care of others, that sometimes it’s okay to put yourself first. You’re a first responder, you know better than anyone. Your oxygen mask needs to be on before you help anyone else.”

Eddie nods, picking at a loose thread in his jeans.

“I do think you should call and talk to him. From what you’ve said, his anger stems from being lied to by you. I think, if you want to pursue things with Buck, you need to be upfront with Christopher about it.”

Eddie blinks, looking up at Frank. “You think he’s angry because I lied to him?”

Frank raises an eyebrow. “You think differently?”

Eddie shrugs. “I think I just assumed it was because she looked like his mom. That it brought up, y’know, unpleasant… feelings. For him.”

They talk about Eddie’s feelings with the whole thing—his unresolved feelings regarding Shannon and their relationship, and why he thought something with Kim would help fix that—and by the time he leaves, he’s absolutely drained. He’d like nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed for a nap, but… Buck’s at home. He really needs to have a conversation with Christopher, preferably without Buck in earshot, so he grabs a coffee and muffin from a nearby coffee shop and heads for the park the three of them frequent. He could probably use the fresh air anyway.

His mom picks up on the first ring, which Eddie still finds hard to believe. They’ve never talked as much as they have in the past month and Eddie appreciates it beyond belief. Chris still won’t talk to him, so he gets all his updates through Buck or his mom. He thinks he’d be going a little crazy if he wasn’t getting any at all, so as angry as he is at his parents, he’s grateful too.

He asks if Chris is around and if he’d be willing to Facetime, and much to his surprise, Chris agrees. His mom passes the phone to him and then Eddie’s laying eyes on his son for the first time in almost a month and he’s so fucking happy he could cry.

“Dad? Is everything okay?” Chris asks quietly, frowning.

Eddie chuckles wetly. “Everything’s great, mijo. I promise. I, uh, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if you don’t mind sharing some of your time with your old man.”

Chris wrinkles his nose. “You’re not that old. What do you want to talk about?”

Eddie clears his throat, taking a sip of his coffee and setting the cup on the bench beside him. “So, we’ve talked about sexual orientation before. How Denny’s moms love each other and that’s wonderful, and how Buck might end up loving another man, or maybe a woman. You remember?”

Chris nods, pushing his glasses up as he settles onto a bed. Eddie recognizes it as his childhood bed, which brings up all sorts of feelings that he really does not want to deal with at the moment. “Yeah, Denny’s moms are lesbian and Buck said he was beesexual?”

Eddie chokes back a snort. “Bisexual, yes. So I’ve been working with Frank, do you remember him? He’s my therapist, I go to him and he helps me… sort through all the stuff in my head?”

Chris nods again. “Like when I went to see the doctor after the tsunami and they helped me talk about Mom?”

“Yeah, exactly. So Frank and I talked about it and I wanted to tell you. I’m gay.”

Chris frowns. “But you loved Mom, didn’t you?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, buddy. Your mom was my best friend. But I didn’t love her like Denny’s moms love each other. Does that make sense?”

Christopher’s face screws up as he thinks, then nods. “Like Harry’s dad, right? They were together but then his dad told them he was gay?”

“Exactly. I loved your mom, but more like a best friend than a partner.”

Chris nods. “So if you’re gay and Buck is bisexual, does that mean you love each other now?”

Eddie chokes back a laugh. Leave it to Chris to get straight to the point, especially when Buck is involved. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, mijo. I know you’re getting older and that we can have more open discussions about these things, and I wanted to include you. I know what happened with Marisol and Kim upset you, and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

Chris looks away. “You lied to me, Dad.”

Eddie’s heart aches. All he wants to do is wrap Christopher in his arms and squeeze, but he can’t. So he settles for Frank’s suggestion and is as honest as possible instead. “You’re right, and that was wrong of me. I shouldn't have treated you like that, I’m sorry.” He lets the apology linger as he eats some of his muffin. “I wanted to know what you thought about me possibly dating Buck. I know after everything that it might bring up some complicated feelings, so if you want me to hold off on dating anyone, I absolutely will.”

Chris chews his lip. “But you’d be dating Buck? Right? Not anyone else?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No one else. I want to date Buck. I haven’t talked to him about it yet, I wanted to talk to you first.”

Chris looks away again, and Eddie hates how worried he looks. “Would he leave?” Chris whispers, glancing back at Eddie.

“Why would he leave?” Chris sniffles. Eddie wants to hug him so desperately that his hand twitches. “Chris, why do you think Buck would leave?”

“Everyone you date leaves,” Chris says quietly, averting his gaze again. Eddie’s pretty sure his heart has snapped in two.

“No, Chris. I don’t think he would leave,” Eddie says gently. “I think Buck really likes being with us, and I think he’d like to be with us even more. If we did date, I mean.”

Chris bites his lip. “Can I talk to Buck about it? After you talk to him? I want him to promise.”

Eddie blinks against the tears stinging his eyes. “Of course, mijo. I’m going to talk to him when I get home, and then we’ll both call you, okay?”

Chris nods. “Dad, do you love him?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, Chris. I love him a lot. Almost as much as I love you.”

Chris nods again, seemingly satisfied with that answer. “I just want you to be happy, Dad. Buck makes you happy.”

Eddie feels like his entire chest has been cracked open. “Yeah, Chris, he really does. He makes us both happy, right?”

Chris sits up quickly, eyes widening. “Wait, does this mean Buck is gonna live with us?”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Yeah, maybe in the future. I think he’ll go back to his loft when Bobby and Athena find a place to live, but we can talk about that. Do you want him to live with us?”

“Well yes, obviously! Then we could hang out all the time! It’d be like movie night every night.” He’s grinning now, which makes Eddie feel infinitely better than before. Plus, he’d like Buck there forever too, so he can’t exactly blame the kid.

“Alright. I’m gonna go home and talk to Buck. We’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay Dad. Love you.”

Eddie smiles, taking one more look at his kid, just to reassure himself. “Love you, Chris.”

X

It’s quiet when he gets home, which is still jarring. He and Buck don’t make as much noise as a nearly-teenage boy, so the silence makes his chest ache. Still, he’s buoyed after his conversation with Chris, and he’s even whistling to himself quietly as he kicks his shoes off and sets them on the rack near the door, hanging his keys on the key rack.

“Eds? That you?”

Eddie smiles, running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He’s felt off-balance since Christopher left but, even with… this whole thing looming right now, he feels more in control than he has in a while. It’s nice. “Yeah, back from therapy. Beer?”

Buck hums in the affirmative, so Eddie heads for the kitchen and grabs two out of the fridge, popping the caps off and grabbing a bag of chips. He can hear some shuffling noises in his bedroom, so he drops the beers and chips on the coffee table and heads for his bedroom. He knocks on the frame, smiling softly when he finds Buck putting laundry away.

“You don’t want to nap?” Buck asks, not even bothering to turn to look at Eddie. He looks so at home here, putting Eddie’s laundry away, and he suddenly has the overwhelming urge to take the four steps into his bedroom and kiss him.

“No,” he says finally, clearing his throat. “Session was actually… really helpful. I Facetimed with Christopher after, that’s why I’m so late getting back. I feel good. Is that silly?”

Buck turns to look at him over his shoulder, a small smile on his face. “No, it’s not silly. Took about a dozen sessions with Dr. Copeland for me, and a screaming match on the phone with my parents, but after that it really started to help, and I stopped dreading going.” He bumps the drawer closed with his hip, turning to face Eddie fully. “You Facetimed with Chris? That’s big. How did it go?”

Eddie lets out a breath, sitting heavily on the bed. “Actually pretty well, I think? He’s scared and upset but I think he’s coming around. That, uh… that actually wasn’t what I talked to him about.”

Buck sits down next to him, leaning back and raising an eyebrow. “What did you talk to him about?”

He suddenly feels like he could throw up, which is annoying. Buck’s bisexual, he’s not going to give a shit that Eddie is gay. Still, it feels like admitting it will open a door toward a relationship for them, and as much as he wants it (because he does want it, almost as much as he wants Chris back home) he’s fucking terrified. He’s pretty sure Buck feels the same way he does, and obviously he needs to confess to find out for sure, but there’s a part of his brain that’s insisting that Buck doesn’t feel that way and that his admission will ruin everything.

Buck wraps a hand around Eddie’s wrist, squeezing gently. “You okay?”

Eddie clears his throat, staring at their hands with a little bit of wonder as he finally chokes out, “I’m gay. I told him I’m gay.”

Buck’s hand tightens around his wrist, and Eddie has the desperate thought that he’d like to know how Buck’s fingers feel between his own. He hears a soft exhale beside him, but he can’t bring himself to look at Buck. He can’t see whatever’s playing out across his best friend’s face right now, or he’ll never get the rest of his confession out.

“I also asked if he would be okay if I were to… date someone. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be uncomfortable with it.”

He can hear Buck swallow beside him, and he wants. He wants to just turn and kiss him until neither of them can breathe.

“O-oh. Eddie, I’m so honored that you told me,” Buck says quietly, but Eddie can tell he’s holding back. Waiting for the rest of whatever Eddie has to tell him. “Who, uh. Who did you ask him about dating?”

Eddie swallows past the knot in his throat, sucking in a sharp breath as he forces himself to turn his head and look at Buck. He’s fucking terrified, but he needs to see Buck’s reaction, good or bad. Buck’s already looking at him, a mixture of fear and hope swirling in his eyes. It’s enough to push the words out of Eddie’s mouth. “You. I asked him about dating you,” he manages, eyes locked on Buck’s face for any sort of reaction.sa

He feels like he waits for hours, but then Buck’s mouth is tipping up into a sunny grin and Eddie feels like he could float.

“God, you have no idea how badly I was hoping you’d say that,” Buck murmurs, slipping his hand down to intertwine their fingers. “Before I—what did Chris say?”

Eddie laughs. “He asked if you were gonna live with us forever, cause that meant basically every night was movie night. And that he was okay with it, but only if it was you. And he wanted to talk to you about it, so we’ll have to call him later.”

Buck grins. “God, I love that kid.” He squeezes Eddie’s hand as Eddie laughs in disbelief.

“Have we really been this stupid? We could’ve just… been together this whole time?”

Buck hums, thumb swiping over the back of Eddie’s hand. He doesn’t even think Buck realizes he’s doing it. “You know, when I broke up with Tommy, he asked if it was because of you.”

Eddie blinks, meeting Buck’s gaze. “Me? Why?”

Buck snorts. ���Eddie… it wasn’t Tommy’s attention I was trying to get.”

“Oh,” he mumbles, looking down at their joined hands. “You wanted my attention?”

“I always want your attention,” Buck confirms, giving Eddie’s hand another squeeze. “And I want to date you. If that wasn’t clear. I mean, fuck, Eddie, I’d marry you tomorrow if you asked me to.”

Eddie’s head snaps up, meeting Buck’s gaze. There’s a fondness in his eyes that Eddie has seen directed at him before, but it’s… has he really missed it this whole time? God, if he’d just realized what he had in front of him, maybe he could have avoided this whole mess. He wants to dissuade Buck, explain that he’s a walking nightmare right now and that no one in their right mind should date him, but he doesn’t. He can’t. Instead, he bites his lip and whispers, “can I kiss you?”

Buck doesn’t even bother verbally answering. His free hand cups Eddie’s cheek and then he’s leaning in slowly, clearly giving Eddie enough time to back off if he wants to. He doesn’t. Buck’s lips are on his in half a breath, and he feels like his heart might beat straight out of his chest. He’s always been sort of indifferent to kissing, but this… Buck’s mouth on his is really something else. He needs more of it. He drops Buck’s hand, reaching out to grab his waist and pull him closer. Buck huffs a laugh against his lips, but seems to get the memo, shuffling closer until their legs are pressed together. Buck’s hands are so gentle on his face, and Eddie’s not exaggerating when he says it’s the best kiss he’s ever had.

He’s not sure how long they sit there, just reveling in the fact that they get to kiss now, but at some point they’d shuffled so that Buck was comfortably straddling Eddie’s lap. Eddie’s hands are under Buck’s shirt, tracing the miles of warm skin beneath. They’re mostly just stupidly grinning at each other now, but it’s fucking incredible. They’ll have to move at some point, Eddie is sure, but that’s for later Eddie to deal with. There’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be right now.

X

They Facetime Chris a couple of hours later, and Chris is beyond ecstatic. He wastes no time asking Buck to move in permanently, and Eddie even manages to agree, saying that maybe he should just stay. Buck stares at him, and Eddie gives him a soft smile and a shrug.

“You basically live here anyway, Buck,” he murmurs, brushing a hand through his curls. They’re soft, free of product since they’re off today, and Buck leans into the touch. “Besides, with the housing market like it is? Who knows how long Bobby and Athena will need your loft?”

Buck bites his lip. “A-are you sure? I mean, it’s a big step, isn’t it? Moving in?”

Eddie snorts, and he can see Chris roll his eyes on Buck’s phone screen. “Buck, I don’t really think anything would be a big step for us at this point. Like I said, you basically live here anyway. Even before you gave Bobby and Athena your loft, you had two drawers in my dresser and a chunk of clothes in my closet. We keep all of your favorite foods in stock, and you cook dinner here most nights. You even brought your own pillow over because you stayed here enough to complain about the shi—bad couch pillows.”

Chris laughs. “Heard that! Swear jar, Dad!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but smiles and drops a dollar into the jar on the coffee table. “Honestly, it would probably make more sense anyway,” he continues, hand absently carding through Buck’s hair. “We’d be able to see you all the time, we can just carpool to work. I know Chris would love to have you here.” He drops his voice lower, murmuring, “I’d get to wake up with you in the mornings.”

Buck blinks quickly, eyes watery. “I-I would love that. I just don’t want to mess this—us—up.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Buck, you could never mess us up. Okay? After everything we’ve been through together? An earthquake, a tsunami, me being buried underground, you being struck by lightning? God couldn’t tear us apart even if He wanted to,” Eddie says with a grin, pulling Buck into a kiss.

“Ewww! Oh no, wait, you’re going to do this all the time now, aren’t you? What have I done?”

Buck huffs a laugh, settling against Eddie’s side as they both turn back to Christopher. “Sure are, bud. You wanted this!”

Christopher pouts, but Eddie can see right through it. He knows his son well enough to know how excited he is. “I know, but I didn’t think about you guys kissing all the time! You’re gonna be so gross!”

Eddie grins. “Well, as your parents, I’m pretty sure it’s our job to be gross.” He can feel Buck stiffen against him and drops a gentle kiss to his forehead, whispering, “you are his parent, Buck. Have been for a while.”

Chris clears his throat, so Eddie turns his attention back to Buck’s phone. “I want to stay for two more weeks. My cousins are going to a summer camp then, so if that’s okay, I’ll come back then?”

Eddie sags with relief, draping his arm around Buck’s shoulders. “Of course, bud. You know you don’t have to come back then if you don’t want to, right?”

Christopher nods. “I know. But I know you only lied to me because you were hurting. I’m still mad about it.”

“You’re allowed to be mad about it, mijo, okay? I know I really hurt you, and I’m sorry. I never should have let things get so… twisted up. I should have gone back to Frank as soon as I realized just how deeply everything was affecting me. I can’t go back and fix it, but I can promise you that I’ll do my best to be honest with you from now on, and I’ll keep working through things with Frank.”

Chris nods again, hugging a pillow to his chest. “Thank you.”

Buck smiles and presses a kiss to his temple. “I’m proud of you, Eds.”

They chat quietly for a little while longer, Eddie tucked into Buck’s side as they listen to Chris fill them in on all the fun things he’s been doing over the summer. Eddie’s warm and comfortable and his son will be back home in two weeks, and Buck will move in, and everything will be as it should. He smiles to himself, sitting up to press a kiss to Buck’s cheek and wrap an arm around his middle.

It was a pain in the ass getting here, but here is pretty damn good.

[archive-buddiedreams]

strange look on his face | a buddie fic

read here on ao3

Summary: Eddie deals with the aftermath of Christopher's departure and a realization he wasn't expecting.

Warnings/Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Feelings Realization, Pining Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan "Buck" Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley is Christopher Diaz's Parent, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz First Kiss, First Kiss, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Gay Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Christopher Diaz is a Sweetheart, Evan "Buck" Buckley Acting as Christopher Diaz's Parental Figure

Christopher has been gone for three and a half weeks when Eddie finally realizes. He’s been through six sessions of therapy with Frank, but it’s not Frank that makes it finally click in his head. It’s the most insanely mundane thing Eddie’s ever seen Buck do, and it hits him like a fucking freight train.

Buck is just sitting on the end of the couch, folding a load of his and Eddie’s laundry, grinning down at his phone. He’s texting Chris, Eddie knows—he’d asked with a strange pit in his stomach when he first noticed, thinking he was talking to Tommy and dreading the answer. Until Buck had looked at him, fondness so clear in his eyes that if Eddie wasn’t already sitting down, his knees would have buckled, and admits that he’s talking to Christopher. Eddie doesn’t even have to ask for Buck to explain that Chris was talking about going horse riding with his cousins, and how he was complaining that his grandparents didn’t want him to go. Buck gently admits that he’d told Christopher to be nice but to explain to them that he knows his own limitations and he needs them to trust that he’s being honest with them, and Chris had texted back to thank Buck for the advice and send a picture of the horse he was going to be riding.

It’s so stupid. Buck has been basically co-parenting Chrisopher with him for years, and this is what does it? Sure, Buck generally defers to Eddie’s judgment regarding Christopher, and Eddie’s always the one to dole out punishments in the rare circumstance that Chris needs one, but for all intents and purposes, Buck is Christopher’s other dad. Maybe it’s the combination of things he’s been talking with Frank about, or maybe it’s just watching Buck help to shape the confidence of his son, but it finally clicks into place in his brain and he draws in a sharp breath. It feels like a monumental shift and no shift at all, how much he loves Buck. How much he’s in love with Buck. Eddie’s sure Buck could see his frantic heartbeat in his neck if he looked over, but he’s focused on his conversation with their son, and all Eddie wants to do is cry. He’s not even sure why. He’s just so fucking overwhelmed that he rattles off a quiet explanation of going to the bathroom and all but flees from the room.

They have a shift in two hours, so he gives himself five minutes to freak the hell out before splashing some cold water on his face and taking a few deep breaths to collect himself. He can keep it together. He can. He’s apparently been in love with his best friend this entire time, just because he realizes it now doesn’t mean anything has to change. He’ll just… unpack this with Frank in therapy and then push it back into the box before he has to hang out with Buck again. Easy.

He lasts about ten minutes, which he thinks is actually fairly good. Buck has his head thrown back, laughing at something in the show he’s watching, and Eddie can’t help but stare. He’s seen Buck before, but it’s like he’s suddenly seeing him in a new light. Like he’s finally giving himself permission to look, which he absolutely should not be doing, but he can’t tear his eyes away. He’d always known objectively that Buck was beautiful, hell, he got hit on all the time on calls and when they went out, it’s not exactly a surprise to Eddie, but the sudden tightness in his jeans is a much bigger surprise than he’s ready for. He can’t pull his eyes away from Buck’s lips, the lines of his throat, and can’t help but wonder what that would feel like around his cock.

Holy shit, he needs the coldest shower on the planet right now. Instead, he shuffles just a little to relieve some of the pressure on his aching dick and focuses his attention on whatever show Buck is currently invested in, letting himself get distracted enough that he’s mostly okay once they head out for work.

He makes it through a couple hours of their shift without incident, until Tommy shows up to have dinner with them. Buck looks surprised and a little annoyed—what the fuck is that about—so Eddie assumes he hadn’t been invited, but it still makes him nauseous. He takes his normal seat on Buck’s left and sees Tommy giving him a weird look before taking the seat on Buck’s right.

Much to Eddie’s delight, Buck spends most of dinner chatting with the table at large, or tilting his phone so Eddie can see the pictures Chris is sending of himself and his cousins around a backyard campfire, sticky with marshmallow and grinning at the camera. It makes Eddie’s chest ache, in a good and bad way. He’s happy that Chris is having fun—he’d been able to admit that much to Frank too, which Frank had seemed impressed by—but Eddie can’t help but feel like he’s back in the army, missing his kid growing up. He knows it’s only for the summer, and that Christopher rightfully needed some space, but it doesn’t make it sting any less. Honestly, he thinks it stings more because he’d assumed that if Chris ran to anyone, it would be Buck. That Buck would have been the one looking after Christopher for the summer, that Eddie would still at least be in the same city as his kid. Not that it would have worked out anyway, since Buck offered the loft to Bobby and Athena after the fire, but it doesn’t make Eddie any less annoyed by the situation. His relationship with his parents has been getting better, marginally, but it’s like all of his worst fears coming true. They have Christopher now, and Eddie just has to trust that he’s going to come home at the end of the summer. It’s nerve wracking.

Buck walks Tommy out after dinner, and Eddie catches Tommy leaning in to kiss Buck, and in the back of his brain, he just wants. He wants Buck’s lips on his, wants to grab every part of skin he can reach, wants to lose himself in his best friend. And then his brain—his raised very Catholic brain—screeches to a halt as he realizes the implications.

He’s never been particularly religious, but he was raised in a Catholic household, so he’s still got some of the lingering ideas fighting for space in his brain, clearly. The particular one that’s bugging him right now is the one that reminds him that it’s a sin to be gay, to lust after another man. And while Eddie’s mostly able to reject it, since he sort of thinks it’s all bullshit anyway, there’s a piece of him that closes in on itself, and it makes his skin crawl. Normally, he’d talk to Buck about it, but that’s out of the question since he’d have to admit to the revelation he’s recently had, so Eddie turns to where Bobby is washing the dishes from dinner. It takes him all of three seconds to decide, and then he’s crossing the length of the loft to grab a towel and start drying.

Bobby glances at him but doesn’t say anything, which Eddie is incredibly grateful for. It takes him a couple of minutes of drying and putting the dishes away to collect himself and figure out exactly what the fuck he wants to ask, and how to ask it.

“Hey, Cap, you’re Catholic, right?”

Bobby turns to raise an eyebrow at him. “Yes. Is that what you came over to ask me?”

Eddie snorts. “Uh, not exactly. I—well, it’s sort of… complicated? I think I realized something about myself and, you know, I don’t know if I believe in that or not, but I grew up Catholic, so it’s still kind of, uh, infecting me I guess?” Eddie pauses, eyes widening in panic as he realizes what he’s just said. “Not that being Catholic is a bad thing! I just meant, you know, I don’t know if I agree with everything they teach, not that they’re bad people or something—” He stops when Bobby, chuckling to himself, puts a wet hand on his forearm and squeezes gently.

“Eddie, you don’t need to apologize to me. Faith isn’t for everyone, I know that. It’s helped me through some tough times, and it’s something that I think I’ll always hold space for because of that, but I don’t care what other people think of it. Besides, I don’t agree with everything the church teaches, either.” Bobby meets his eyes meaningfully, raising an eyebrow. “Particularly that they’re so unwelcoming to the queer community.”

Eddie swallows. “Right. So, um, I guess I was just sort of wondering about… confession? I haven’t been since I was a teenager, but I thought that it might… I don’t know, make me feel better about everything, I guess? But I don’t have a church I go to, so I figured maybe I should ask you. ”

Bobby raises an eyebrow at him. “Confession? Do you think you’ve done something that requires confession?”

Eddie bites his lip, resisting the sudden and overwhelming urge to look around and find Buck’s gaze. “I… I don’t know. Maybe? I just—I didn’t think it would matter to me but it sort of just hit me? My parents are God-fearing Texans, y’know, so…I guess it became part of my foundation when I was growing up?”

Bobby nods his understanding, taking the towel from Eddie to dry his own hands. “Sure, I can send you the address. But just so we’re on the same page? Not everything the Catholic church teaches is right, and you shouldn’t believe a lot of it. Especially when it makes you feel bad about parts of who you are. Okay?”

Eddie wants to throw up and also hug Bobby, and he isn’t quite sure which is going to win out, so he dries his own hands off and nods, shooting Bobby a small smile before whispering his thanks and heading off to finish up his chores.

They have almost nonstop calls until the end of their shift, so Eddie doesn’t even really get enough time to decide if he wants to try going to Bobby’s church or not. By the time he finally walks out of the station, a full two hours after his shift was supposed to end, he’s still not sure it’ll help, but it can’t hurt, surely, so he plugs the address into his GPS and heads directly there. He’s far too pent up from… well, everything, he wouldn’t be able to sleep even if he wanted to. Besides, there might not be anyone there to begin with. It’s after 10pm when he gets there, so he’s not expecting a whole hell of a lot when he steps through the surprisingly still unlocked front doors.

The church beyond the doors is silent and empty, at least from what Eddie can see. It’s just like the church he remembers at home—huge and overwhelming and uninviting—and it makes his chest go tight. He thinks about just turning around and going home, but he knows he’s going to lay in bed for hours trying to sleep, thinking about how he should have just checked to see if anyone was here. He sucks in a breath, sending a quick text to Buck to let him know he’ll be home late, and wanders inside.

It’s bigger than he was expecting, although that’s how almost everything in LA is, so he shouldn’t be surprised at this point. He still doesn’t see anyone, not that he’d really know where to look, but he’s already come this far. He settles into one of the pews near the altar, hands clasping together between his knees automatically. He thinks about praying, but he’s really not sure what that would even do for him, or what he would say, and the thought of doing it makes his skin crawl just a little bit. He ends up just sitting quietly, trying to sort through the thoughts whizzing through his head and organize them into some semblance of a plan, some direction to go from here.

“Can I help you?”

Eddie startles at the voice, turning to find a priest watching him. “Oh, uh. Maybe. I don’t—this isn’t really my thing.”

The priest smiles gently, nodding to the spot next to Eddie. Eddie nods back, scooting over just a bit to make more room for him to sit. “So what brings you here so late, if it’s not really your thing?”

Eddie clears this throat, squeezing his hands tightly. “I, um. I think I might be in love with my best friend.” He doesn’t want to look, but the priest doesn’t say anything after a while, so Eddie glances over at him. He’s just waiting with an eyebrow raised. “He, uh… he’s a man,” Eddie adds, preparing for the worst.

Except, it doesn’t come. The expression on the priest’s face doesn’t change, which is… confusing. Although, Bobby had sent him here after his rather pointed comment about the queer community, so maybe…

“I know most churches within Catholicism will tell you that’s a problem, but we don’t believe that here. For what it’s worth, as someone who has studied the Bible, I think they’re wrong anyway. The most common quote people use is wildly misused.”

Eddie blinks. “The don’t lay with another man one?”

The priest nods. “It comes from Leviticus, which explains the rules God laid down for Moses’ people. It’s been passed down for centuries, like a game of telephone, and most people disregard a lot of the things in that book anyway. It instructs us to kill adulterers, tell us where to buy slaves from, not to eat anything from the water if it doesn’t have fins and scales. A lot of it is commonly disregarded, and yet it’s used to isolate a community that just wants to practice their faith like the rest of us.”

Eddie swallows, his throat suddenly too tight. “So… it’s not… I’m not… I don’t even think I believe in Hell, actually. I don’t even really know what I’m doing here.”

The priest smiles. “Did you grow up Catholic?”

Eddie nods. “Sunday school and everything, yeah. Stopped going once I got my girlfriend pregnant, mostly because my parents were embarrassed and didn’t want me around for people to gossip about, but I honestly didn’t really care that we stopped going. I used to just zone out for mass anyway, I just never really cared about it. Never… connected with it, or whatever.” He feels like an idiot saying all of that to a priest, but he’s already here. Might as well do something to try to sort through his feelings, and there’s no way Frank was going to take his call at ten at night.

“That’s understandable. A lot of people who grow up in a faith-based family struggle, especially in their adult life. Faith is an intensely personal thing, and no two people worship the same. Some people don’t even worship at all, and that’s okay too. Not everyone needs to. Your faith is between you and whatever higher power you believe in, if any.”

“But that’s… is that how it works? I remember learning all the rules when I was younger, about how to act and what was… you know, okay?”

The priest hums. “Sure. Different churches have different beliefs. Honestly, beliefs even differ between priests. But I’m not going to tell you that being attracted to your male best friend is wrong, or that it’s going to damn you. Jesus taught that the most important thing was to love thy neighbor no matter what, that’s what I try to live by.”

Eddie sits back in the pew, taking a deep breath. This… isn’t what he expected. Honestly, he’d sort of expected to be told that he was an abomination and that he should leave before he burst into flames. This is the exact opposite of what he was expecting, and it’s kind of freeing. He’s not even really sure if he believes in a god, and even if he did, he doesn’t think a god would care who he decides to sleep with, but to have that reinforced by someone from the religion he was raised in? That taught him that being gay was a sin, and that there was nothing worse than being a sinner? It’s a relief.

“Tell me about him, if you think it will help.”

Eddie smiles. “He’s… he’s the best person I know. He’s been through so much and he’s still unflinchingly kind, I don’t know how he does it. He’s incredible with my son. Honestly, I think my son might like him more than he likes me. And he just fits, you know? I didn’t even realize I was in love with him until yesterday, but he’s basically been my partner for years. He helps me with my son, we spend basically all of our time together, and the house always feels so empty when he leaves. God, I just want him to stay,” Eddie finishes in a whisper, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I want him to be where he belongs, with us.”

“Have you told him that?”

Eddie shakes his head. “He’s dating someone else. I don’t… I can’t get in the way of that. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I ruined a relationship he was happy in.”

The priest chuckles. “If he’s happy, you telling him won’t make any difference. Either he’ll realize that he’d rather be with you, or he’ll stay in a relationship he’s happy in.” He leans toward Eddie, a conspiratorial smile on his lips. “But just between you and me, platonic best friends don’t typically co-parent children together.”

Eddie blinks. “I… hadn’t thought about that. I just assumed he was doing it to be a nice guy, but… I don’t know, I think I might be biased? I mean, I want him there when I get home, I want him to do school pickup with me and go to parent-teacher conferences. I want to take us on family vacations and have Chris wake us up way too early on Christmas. I don’t think I can see past it now that I know, you know?”

“You might be biased, but maybe he is too. It takes two, and from what it sounds like, he’s spending just as much time with you and voluntarily helping you with your son.”

Eddie nods, running a hand through his hair. “And God’s not gonna, I don’t know, strike me down with lightning if I kiss him?”

The priest snorts. “No. I imagine God has better things to be doing.”

They sit in silence for another few minutes, until Eddie feels like he’s calmed down enough to face Buck. He murmurs a thank you toward the priest, who nods and tells him to get home safe, disappearing through a door behind the altar. Eddie clears his throat, fishing his keys out of his pocket and heading back to his truck.

Buck’s Jeep isn’t in the driveway when he gets home, which is… weird. Buck’s become much more of a homebody while Chris has been gone, although Eddie suspects that’s because he’s mostly been moping around the house and Buck has been looking after him. Still, he had expected Buck to be here when he got home, and the lack of a message or call letting Eddie know he was going elsewhere is worrisome. He opens their message thread, debating whether he should send a message, before deciding against it and switching to Find My Friends.

Eddie swallows, biting his bottom lip. He knows exactly where Buck is, because he’s been there too—Tommy’s apartment. The sight makes Eddie physically ill, so he closes out of the app and takes a deep breath that does nothing to stop the roiling in his gut. Alright, so maybe not confessing his feelings, then. He still feels like he’s bursting to talk about them, though, so he does the only logical thing he can think of—logs into the account he uses to schedule his therapy appointments and takes an open spot for tomorrow morning. They're off anyway, and he needs to get this off his chest sooner rather than later, before he does something stupid like word vomiting his feelings all over Buck.

He must’ve fallen asleep on the couch at some point after checking on Christopher through his mother, because the next thing he knows, he’s hearing keys in the front door over the sound of whatever is playing quietly on the TV. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, shutting the TV off and trying to decide if he should scurry off to his bedroom before he has to face Buck, but he doesn’t get a chance to make a decision either way before Buck’s walking inside. He’s struggling, and Eddie’s off the couch before he can even consciously think about it, taking a cardboard box from Buck’s hands with a confused look.

“My stuff from Tommy’s,” Buck says, like that explains literally anything.

“Why are you bringing your stuff back from Tommy’s?”

Buck raises an eyebrow at him. “Uh, I broke up with him? Kind of thought that would’ve been obvious since I’m lugging all my shit home. Honestly, I don’t even know how this much of my stuff ended up at Tommy’s place to begin with. I don’t think I’ve been there more than a handful of times.”

Eddie’s sure the rest of whatever Buck’s saying is important, but the only thing his brain can process at the moment is that Buck broke up with Tommy.

“You okay, Eds?”

Eddie blinks at him, plastering on a smile he hopes doesn’t look as fake as it feels, and nods. “Yeah, yeah, all good. I’m sorry about you and Tommy.”

Buck waves a hand toward the corner of the living room, so Eddie drops the box there. “It’s fine. It wasn’t gonna last anyway. He was really fucking annoying with the whole Gerard thing, and I think he mostly just tunes me out all the time anyway. I hadn’t even talked to him in, like, a week. I don’t know why he just showed up for dinner.”

Eddie blinks. “What do you mean ‘the whole Gerard thing’?”

Buck frowns at him, sitting heavily on the couch. “What do you mean, what do I mean? You were there. He was being really homophobic toward Hen, and snidely racist toward her and Chim.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “No, yeah, I know that. I meant what do you mean Tommy was annoying about it?”

“Oh. He basically told me that he dealt with Gerard for years and that I should just keep my mouth shut and do my job. I tried to get him to understand that it’s my family he’s attacking, but… I dunno. He didn’t seem to get it, and whenever I’d try to vent about it to him, he’d just pull the whole ‘should’ve just kept your mouth shut’ thing.”

Eddie frowns. “That’s… why did you let him treat you like that?”

Buck snorts. “Did you miss the part where I said I broke up with him?”

“No, I heard it, but Gerard’s been gone for two weeks. Why didn’t you break up with him before?”

“Oh, uh…” Buck rubs a hand over the back of his neck, and Eddie can see his cheeks reddening. “I actually, uh, hadn’t really seen him before now?”

Eddie blinks. Blinks again. Licks over his bottom lip and crosses his arms over his chest as he thinks back. Because he knows Buck is right. Hell, they’ve been living together for the better part of a month now, and Eddie knows that Buck has been here basically the whole time, blowing off his boyfriend to comfort Eddie. He feels less bad about it knowing that Buck was kind of avoiding Tommy anyway, but he still feels bad. He hadn’t intended to monopolize so much of Buck’s time. “Shit, because you were here. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Eddie, you didn’t do anything, okay? I was kind of done with Tommy by that point anyway, and I’d rather be with—” Buck cuts himself off, sending a panicked glance in Eddie’s direction. “Be here. Cause I know you’re having a tough time with Chris gone and honestly I miss him too, so it’s kinda nice being here. We can mope together.”

Eddie snorts. “God, aren’t we a pair of sorry bastards.”

Buck hums. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Eddie’s pretty sure his heart has beat its way out of his body entirely. This is far too intimate for how raw he’s feeling right now, so he gives himself a minute of buffer so Buck doesn’t think he’s fleeing, and then flees to his bedroom with a mumbled goodnight. He changes into his pajamas and slips out to the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed, praying silently that Buck stays on the couch and Eddie doesn’t have another reason to swallow down his suddenly so clear feelings.

He’s exhausted when he finally gets into bed, but then his brain decides to be a traitorous asshole and give him the idea that his bed would be far more comfortable with Buck next to him in it. Eddie has the overwhelming urge to punch something, so he aggressively fluffs his own pillow, rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head.

He needs to talk to Frank, he knows that much. And Buck, probably. Although, strangely enough, Eddie doesn’t really doubt that his feelings will be returned. He has a sneaking suspicion that Buck might have just been waiting for him to catch up, which just makes him sad. What if he hadn’t ever caught up? What if he’d just married some nice girl and struggled through it, instead of the clusterfuck that led him to where he is now? He thinks he knows the answer (that Buck would have resigned himself to just being Eddie’s best friend and taken whatever scraps he could get) but it honestly just makes him feel worse about everything.

He needs to talk to Christopher.

The thought hits him like a brick to the face, because of course he needs to talk to Christopher. He hasn’t even spoken to his son since he left, only getting updates on his time in El Paso from his own mother and Buck, since Chris and Buck are still texting almost constantly. Still, if he’s… depending on what happens with Frank tomorrow, he’s going to have to suck it up and call Chris and hope to a god he probably doesn’t believe in that his son answers.

X

“I’m in love with Buck,” Eddie blurts out, less than thirty seconds into his therapy appointment. Frank has the audacity to not even look surprised, which makes Eddie scowl. He really had been the last one to catch up.

“What made you realize?”

Eddie scrubs a hand over his face, sighing. “It’s stupid.”

He hears Frank sigh and winces, already knowing the therapy speech that’s about to be leveled at him. “Eddie, there’s nothing stupid about your feelings. Where they come from may not always be logical, but the feelings themselves are worthy and you’re allowed to have them.”

He takes a sip of water, mostly for something to do, and nods. “Yeah, I know. It’s just, of all the things that could’ve clued me in, it was… basically nothing. He was just folding laundry on the couch and talking to Chris. And, yeah, he was giving Chris advice on how to handle my parents doubting his abilities, but that’s—he does that all the time, you know? Gives Chris advice, helps him work through problems. I honestly don’t know what made it click.” He lets out a long breath, clearing his throat. “I think it was just the domesticity of it all. Like we were just spending a day hanging out before work and our son was out with friends. And I just… I wanted that, you know? I want him there all the time. I want to make dinner with him and Chris and spend our days off taking him to the zoo and the science center, waking up to Buck in my arms every morning. I want to be able to not second-guess myself every time I go to touch him.”

Eddie’s breathing hard when he stops his rant, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. He doesn’t usually talk that much in therapy, and Frank seems a little surprised by his sudden outburst.

“So what’s stopping you from discussing your feelings with him?”

Eddie blows out a breath. “I… I think it’s Chris. I mean, not that I think he would be upset if I dated Buck, but I think… I think that after what happened, with Marisol a-and Kim, I don’t want to just jump into another relationship. I know I really hurt him and I want to get better for him, you know? I don’t want him to come home and I’m already dating someone else, I just… I want him to see that I’m trying to get better, and I don’t think he’ll see that if he comes back and I’m already dating someone else.”

Frank closes his notebook. “I’m impressed with your progress, Eddie. You’ve been doing well.”

Eddie blinks at him. “I… have? I don’t feel like much has changed.”

Frank smiles. “It may not feel like it, but I don’t think you registered what you just said to me.”

“What did I say?” Eddie asks, frowning as he spins his last admission around in his head.

“You told me what you want. You want Christopher to see that you’re working through your issues and improving, and that you want Buck. A month ago, you wouldn’t have said those outright. You would have danced around the admission until I pulled it out of you. I barely said anything before you were admitting your wants. That's an improvement, Eddie. It may not seem like it, but admitting that you want things is a step closer to letting yourself have the things you want.”

Eddie squirms in his seat, clearing his throat. He wants to refute it, but he knows Frank is right. He’s always struggled with wanting things for himself, especially after Christopher was born. His parents had always instilled selflessness in him, and made sure he understood that as a parent, Christopher was his priority, nothing else, even if they often disagreed about what that meant.

“I want to take Buck on dates,” Eddie whispers, eyes pointedly fixed on his hands. “I want to be able to take Buck to dinner and leave Chris with Abuela, or with his friends, and just… be with Buck. Is that awful?”

Frank sets his notebook aside, sitting forward. “No, Eddie. That’s not awful. You’re a parent, so of course Christopher is a priority, but he shouldn’t be your only priority. It’s important that you’re happy, too. We’ve discussed your affair at length, but it boils down to this: your unhappiness directly hurt your son. You were unhappy in a relationship because of your trauma regarding Shannon, which led you to make decisions that ultimately hurt Christopher. You simply returning to your sessions with me was an incredible step toward progress, and you’ve made great progress working with me. Chris will be impressed, even if it takes him some time to sort through his feelings. And, more importantly, you’ll be showing him that it’s important to make sure you are content with your life while taking care of others, that sometimes it’s okay to put yourself first. You’re a first responder, you know better than anyone. Your oxygen mask needs to be on before you help anyone else.”

Eddie nods, picking at a loose thread in his jeans.

“I do think you should call and talk to him. From what you’ve said, his anger stems from being lied to by you. I think, if you want to pursue things with Buck, you need to be upfront with Christopher about it.”

Eddie blinks, looking up at Frank. “You think he’s angry because I lied to him?”

Frank raises an eyebrow. “You think differently?”

Eddie shrugs. “I think I just assumed it was because she looked like his mom. That it brought up, y’know, unpleasant… feelings. For him.”

They talk about Eddie’s feelings with the whole thing—his unresolved feelings regarding Shannon and their relationship, and why he thought something with Kim would help fix that—and by the time he leaves, he’s absolutely drained. He’d like nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed for a nap, but… Buck’s at home. He really needs to have a conversation with Christopher, preferably without Buck in earshot, so he grabs a coffee and muffin from a nearby coffee shop and heads for the park the three of them frequent. He could probably use the fresh air anyway.

His mom picks up on the first ring, which Eddie still finds hard to believe. They’ve never talked as much as they have in the past month and Eddie appreciates it beyond belief. Chris still won’t talk to him, so he gets all his updates through Buck or his mom. He thinks he’d be going a little crazy if he wasn’t getting any at all, so as angry as he is at his parents, he’s grateful too.

He asks if Chris is around and if he’d be willing to Facetime, and much to his surprise, Chris agrees. His mom passes the phone to him and then Eddie’s laying eyes on his son for the first time in almost a month and he’s so fucking happy he could cry.

“Dad? Is everything okay?” Chris asks quietly, frowning.

Eddie chuckles wetly. “Everything’s great, mijo. I promise. I, uh, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if you don’t mind sharing some of your time with your old man.”

Chris wrinkles his nose. “You’re not that old. What do you want to talk about?”

Eddie clears his throat, taking a sip of his coffee and setting the cup on the bench beside him. “So, we’ve talked about sexual orientation before. How Denny’s moms love each other and that’s wonderful, and how Buck might end up loving another man, or maybe a woman. You remember?”

Chris nods, pushing his glasses up as he settles onto a bed. Eddie recognizes it as his childhood bed, which brings up all sorts of feelings that he really does not want to deal with at the moment. “Yeah, Denny’s moms are lesbian and Buck said he was beesexual?”

Eddie chokes back a snort. “Bisexual, yes. So I’ve been working with Frank, do you remember him? He’s my therapist, I go to him and he helps me… sort through all the stuff in my head?”

Chris nods again. “Like when I went to see the doctor after the tsunami and they helped me talk about Mom?”

“Yeah, exactly. So Frank and I talked about it and I wanted to tell you. I’m gay.”

Chris frowns. “But you loved Mom, didn’t you?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, buddy. Your mom was my best friend. But I didn’t love her like Denny’s moms love each other. Does that make sense?”

Christopher’s face screws up as he thinks, then nods. “Like Harry’s dad, right? They were together but then his dad told them he was gay?”

“Exactly. I loved your mom, but more like a best friend than a partner.”

Chris nods. “So if you’re gay and Buck is bisexual, does that mean you love each other now?”

Eddie chokes back a laugh. Leave it to Chris to get straight to the point, especially when Buck is involved. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, mijo. I know you’re getting older and that we can have more open discussions about these things, and I wanted to include you. I know what happened with Marisol and Kim upset you, and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

Chris looks away. “You lied to me, Dad.”

Eddie’s heart aches. All he wants to do is wrap Christopher in his arms and squeeze, but he can’t. So he settles for Frank’s suggestion and is as honest as possible instead. “You’re right, and that was wrong of me. I shouldn't have treated you like that, I’m sorry.” He lets the apology linger as he eats some of his muffin. “I wanted to know what you thought about me possibly dating Buck. I know after everything that it might bring up some complicated feelings, so if you want me to hold off on dating anyone, I absolutely will.”

Chris chews his lip. “But you’d be dating Buck? Right? Not anyone else?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No one else. I want to date Buck. I haven’t talked to him about it yet, I wanted to talk to you first.”

Chris looks away again, and Eddie hates how worried he looks. “Would he leave?” Chris whispers, glancing back at Eddie.

“Why would he leave?” Chris sniffles. Eddie wants to hug him so desperately that his hand twitches. “Chris, why do you think Buck would leave?”

“Everyone you date leaves,” Chris says quietly, averting his gaze again. Eddie’s pretty sure his heart has snapped in two.

“No, Chris. I don’t think he would leave,” Eddie says gently. “I think Buck really likes being with us, and I think he’d like to be with us even more. If we did date, I mean.”

Chris bites his lip. “Can I talk to Buck about it? After you talk to him? I want him to promise.”

Eddie blinks against the tears stinging his eyes. “Of course, mijo. I’m going to talk to him when I get home, and then we’ll both call you, okay?”

Chris nods. “Dad, do you love him?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, Chris. I love him a lot. Almost as much as I love you.”

Chris nods again, seemingly satisfied with that answer. “I just want you to be happy, Dad. Buck makes you happy.”

Eddie feels like his entire chest has been cracked open. “Yeah, Chris, he really does. He makes us both happy, right?”

Chris sits up quickly, eyes widening. “Wait, does this mean Buck is gonna live with us?”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Yeah, maybe in the future. I think he’ll go back to his loft when Bobby and Athena find a place to live, but we can talk about that. Do you want him to live with us?”

“Well yes, obviously! Then we could hang out all the time! It’d be like movie night every night.” He’s grinning now, which makes Eddie feel infinitely better than before. Plus, he’d like Buck there forever too, so he can’t exactly blame the kid.

“Alright. I’m gonna go home and talk to Buck. We’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay Dad. Love you.”

Eddie smiles, taking one more look at his kid, just to reassure himself. “Love you, Chris.”

X

It’s quiet when he gets home, which is still jarring. He and Buck don’t make as much noise as a nearly-teenage boy, so the silence makes his chest ache. Still, he’s buoyed after his conversation with Chris, and he’s even whistling to himself quietly as he kicks his shoes off and sets them on the rack near the door, hanging his keys on the key rack.

“Eds? That you?”

Eddie smiles, running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He’s felt off-balance since Christopher left but, even with… this whole thing looming right now, he feels more in control than he has in a while. It’s nice. “Yeah, back from therapy. Beer?”

Buck hums in the affirmative, so Eddie heads for the kitchen and grabs two out of the fridge, popping the caps off and grabbing a bag of chips. He can hear some shuffling noises in his bedroom, so he drops the beers and chips on the coffee table and heads for his bedroom. He knocks on the frame, smiling softly when he finds Buck putting laundry away.

“You don’t want to nap?” Buck asks, not even bothering to turn to look at Eddie. He looks so at home here, putting Eddie’s laundry away, and he suddenly has the overwhelming urge to take the four steps into his bedroom and kiss him.

“No,” he says finally, clearing his throat. “Session was actually… really helpful. I Facetimed with Christopher after, that’s why I’m so late getting back. I feel good. Is that silly?”

Buck turns to look at him over his shoulder, a small smile on his face. “No, it’s not silly. Took about a dozen sessions with Dr. Copeland for me, and a screaming match on the phone with my parents, but after that it really started to help, and I stopped dreading going.” He bumps the drawer closed with his hip, turning to face Eddie fully. “You Facetimed with Chris? That’s big. How did it go?”

Eddie lets out a breath, sitting heavily on the bed. “Actually pretty well, I think? He’s scared and upset but I think he’s coming around. That, uh… that actually wasn’t what I talked to him about.”

Buck sits down next to him, leaning back and raising an eyebrow. “What did you talk to him about?”

He suddenly feels like he could throw up, which is annoying. Buck’s bisexual, he’s not going to give a shit that Eddie is gay. Still, it feels like admitting it will open a door toward a relationship for them, and as much as he wants it (because he does want it, almost as much as he wants Chris back home) he’s fucking terrified. He’s pretty sure Buck feels the same way he does, and obviously he needs to confess to find out for sure, but there’s a part of his brain that’s insisting that Buck doesn’t feel that way and that his admission will ruin everything.

Buck wraps a hand around Eddie’s wrist, squeezing gently. “You okay?”

Eddie clears his throat, staring at their hands with a little bit of wonder as he finally chokes out, “I’m gay. I told him I’m gay.”

Buck’s hand tightens around his wrist, and Eddie has the desperate thought that he’d like to know how Buck’s fingers feel between his own. He hears a soft exhale beside him, but he can’t bring himself to look at Buck. He can’t see whatever’s playing out across his best friend’s face right now, or he’ll never get the rest of his confession out.

“I also asked if he would be okay if I were to… date someone. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be uncomfortable with it.”

He can hear Buck swallow beside him, and he wants. He wants to just turn and kiss him until neither of them can breathe.

“O-oh. Eddie, I’m so honored that you told me,” Buck says quietly, but Eddie can tell he’s holding back. Waiting for the rest of whatever Eddie has to tell him. “Who, uh. Who did you ask him about dating?”

Eddie swallows past the knot in his throat, sucking in a sharp breath as he forces himself to turn his head and look at Buck. He’s fucking terrified, but he needs to see Buck’s reaction, good or bad. Buck’s already looking at him, a mixture of fear and hope swirling in his eyes. It’s enough to push the words out of Eddie’s mouth. “You. I asked him about dating you,” he manages, eyes locked on Buck’s face for any sort of reaction.sa

He feels like he waits for hours, but then Buck’s mouth is tipping up into a sunny grin and Eddie feels like he could float.

“God, you have no idea how badly I was hoping you’d say that,” Buck murmurs, slipping his hand down to intertwine their fingers. “Before I—what did Chris say?”

Eddie laughs. “He asked if you were gonna live with us forever, cause that meant basically every night was movie night. And that he was okay with it, but only if it was you. And he wanted to talk to you about it, so we’ll have to call him later.”

Buck grins. “God, I love that kid.” He squeezes Eddie’s hand as Eddie laughs in disbelief.

“Have we really been this stupid? We could’ve just… been together this whole time?”

Buck hums, thumb swiping over the back of Eddie’s hand. He doesn’t even think Buck realizes he’s doing it. “You know, when I broke up with Tommy, he asked if it was because of you.”

Eddie blinks, meeting Buck’s gaze. “Me? Why?”

Buck snorts. “Eddie… it wasn’t Tommy’s attention I was trying to get.”

“Oh,” he mumbles, looking down at their joined hands. “You wanted my attention?”

“I always want your attention,” Buck confirms, giving Eddie’s hand another squeeze. “And I want to date you. If that wasn’t clear. I mean, fuck, Eddie, I’d marry you tomorrow if you asked me to.”

Eddie’s head snaps up, meeting Buck’s gaze. There’s a fondness in his eyes that Eddie has seen directed at him before, but it’s… has he really missed it this whole time? God, if he’d just realized what he had in front of him, maybe he could have avoided this whole mess. He wants to dissuade Buck, explain that he’s a walking nightmare right now and that no one in their right mind should date him, but he doesn’t. He can’t. Instead, he bites his lip and whispers, “can I kiss you?”

Buck doesn’t even bother verbally answering. His free hand cups Eddie’s cheek and then he’s leaning in slowly, clearly giving Eddie enough time to back off if he wants to. He doesn’t. Buck’s lips are on his in half a breath, and he feels like his heart might beat straight out of his chest. He’s always been sort of indifferent to kissing, but this… Buck’s mouth on his is really something else. He needs more of it. He drops Buck’s hand, reaching out to grab his waist and pull him closer. Buck huffs a laugh against his lips, but seems to get the memo, shuffling closer until their legs are pressed together. Buck’s hands are so gentle on his face, and Eddie’s not exaggerating when he says it’s the best kiss he’s ever had.

He’s not sure how long they sit there, just reveling in the fact that they get to kiss now, but at some point they’d shuffled so that Buck was comfortably straddling Eddie’s lap. Eddie’s hands are under Buck’s shirt, tracing the miles of warm skin beneath. They’re mostly just stupidly grinning at each other now, but it’s fucking incredible. They’ll have to move at some point, Eddie is sure, but that’s for later Eddie to deal with. There’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be right now.

X

They Facetime Chris a couple of hours later, and Chris is beyond ecstatic. He wastes no time asking Buck to move in permanently, and Eddie even manages to agree, saying that maybe he should just stay. Buck stares at him, and Eddie gives him a soft smile and a shrug.

“You basically live here anyway, Buck,” he murmurs, brushing a hand through his curls. They’re soft, free of product since they’re off today, and Buck leans into the touch. “Besides, with the housing market like it is? Who knows how long Bobby and Athena will need your loft?”

Buck bites his lip. “A-are you sure? I mean, it’s a big step, isn’t it? Moving in?”

Eddie snorts, and he can see Chris roll his eyes on Buck’s phone screen. “Buck, I don’t really think anything would be a big step for us at this point. Like I said, you basically live here anyway. Even before you gave Bobby and Athena your loft, you had two drawers in my dresser and a chunk of clothes in my closet. We keep all of your favorite foods in stock, and you cook dinner here most nights. You even brought your own pillow over because you stayed here enough to complain about the shi—bad couch pillows.”

Chris laughs. “Heard that! Swear jar, Dad!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but smiles and drops a dollar into the jar on the coffee table. “Honestly, it would probably make more sense anyway,” he continues, hand absently carding through Buck’s hair. “We’d be able to see you all the time, we can just carpool to work. I know Chris would love to have you here.” He drops his voice lower, murmuring, “I’d get to wake up with you in the mornings.”

Buck blinks quickly, eyes watery. “I-I would love that. I just don’t want to mess this—us—up.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Buck, you could never mess us up. Okay? After everything we’ve been through together? An earthquake, a tsunami, me being buried underground, you being struck by lightning? God couldn’t tear us apart even if He wanted to,” Eddie says with a grin, pulling Buck into a kiss.

“Ewww! Oh no, wait, you’re going to do this all the time now, aren’t you? What have I done?”

Buck huffs a laugh, settling against Eddie’s side as they both turn back to Christopher. “Sure are, bud. You wanted this!”

Christopher pouts, but Eddie can see right through it. He knows his son well enough to know how excited he is. “I know, but I didn’t think about you guys kissing all the time! You’re gonna be so gross!”

Eddie grins. “Well, as your parents, I’m pretty sure it’s our job to be gross.” He can feel Buck stiffen against him and drops a gentle kiss to his forehead, whispering, “you are his parent, Buck. Have been for a while.”

Chris clears his throat, so Eddie turns his attention back to Buck’s phone. “I want to stay for two more weeks. My cousins are going to a summer camp then, so if that’s okay, I’ll come back then?”

Eddie sags with relief, draping his arm around Buck’s shoulders. “Of course, bud. You know you don’t have to come back then if you don’t want to, right?”

Christopher nods. “I know. But I know you only lied to me because you were hurting. I’m still mad about it.”

“You’re allowed to be mad about it, mijo, okay? I know I really hurt you, and I’m sorry. I never should have let things get so… twisted up. I should have gone back to Frank as soon as I realized just how deeply everything was affecting me. I can’t go back and fix it, but I can promise you that I’ll do my best to be honest with you from now on, and I’ll keep working through things with Frank.”

Chris nods again, hugging a pillow to his chest. “Thank you.”

Buck smiles and presses a kiss to his temple. “I’m proud of you, Eds.”

They chat quietly for a little while longer, Eddie tucked into Buck’s side as they listen to Chris fill them in on all the fun things he’s been doing over the summer. Eddie’s warm and comfortable and his son will be back home in two weeks, and Buck will move in, and everything will be as it should. He smiles to himself, sitting up to press a kiss to Buck’s cheek and wrap an arm around his middle.

It was a pain in the ass getting here, but here is pretty damn good.

[archive-buddiedreams]

it's fucking insane that maddie had everyone visit buck to check in on him and eddie just. waited. waited for buck to come to him. because he knew he'd get overwhelmed and knew he'd find his way to him. he knew not to push or pressure or insist. he just waited and the second buck knocked on his door he didn't question him, just instantly accepted that he didn't want to talk. then proceeded to provide him a safe space by letting him fall asleep on his couch and by softly asking if he was ready to talk about it after he woke up. and this fits right in with what eddie told buck about how chim knew maddie in a different way than buck did. maddie knows buck, of course she does. but it's different than the way eddie knows him. and dear god, does eddie know him. he only opened up about dying to eddie. it's always eddie. and this isn't normal and I'm tired of them being so blind and not realizing it. eddie waited. for buck. and I'm gonna vomit. they need to be together, this is just insanity.

[archive-buddiedreams]

Everyone else in that supermarket definitely thought Buck was a deadbeat dad who had left his very heartbroken husband

[archive-buddiedreams]

yes your son is asking to cut in. no neither of you can leave. this is a three person waltz now, keep up!

buck and eddie dancing with chris at their wedding, for my darlingest dearest @eddiesgaymustache 😚💕

this is a prompt fill with the @911actions gotcha for gaza—the submission period has come to an end, but you can still donate to a good cause!

[archive-buddiedreams]

eddie rolling out of bed and walking into the kitchen to wrap his arms around buck’s waist while he makes coffee reblog if you agree

[archive-buddiedreams]

buck and eddie first kiss in the hallway of the diaz house, the night that chris finally comes home—for @jackwhiteprophetic !

this is a prompt fill with the @911actions gotcha for gaza—the submission period has come to an end, but you can still donate to a good cause!

[archive-buddiedreams]