areuhappynow

[areuhappynow]

Just a year ago things were so different So does the year and year long before There's so much I wanna say, but, nah It's fine, is it tho? This can wait, right?

Same shit, different days I'm so tired of waking up to the same nightmares again U did what u did and I'm allowed to felt what I felt It is what it is So this is the story of how I died

I begged God to carry me up there What is it that keeps eating me alive I cannot recognize it anymore I can't force anyone or anything But you gonna feel it when I'm gone Who checked on you? Right. Nobody did, nobody does So just keep focusing on yourself People say "don't drink poison just because you're thirsty" It's too late I know who I am and I think I'm good I came a long way but nobody understands And I lost again

I want to go back, before it's all too late I used to say that I won't ended up this way I mean, I was just a kid And now the flashbacks hurts So much pain for someone too young

[areuhappynow]

아버지

The sky looks different that day I hope that the sun will follow me home I hope that the stars will guide me home The moment where I wrapped you around my arms A moment I will always remember

I was always scared of the sea, but I- Hope the sea welcomes you Hope them gives you comfort Hope that you're not alone Hope the breeze of the wind will always find its way to you Deliver words that is unsaid All the prayers stays in the heart

To let the wave let go all the pain The rain washes all regrets

I was prepared, maybe Wishing it was just a bad dream The deepest pain I have ever felt Even as a shadow Even as a dream I hope that we'll see each other again I'll come to you first, next time

[areuhappynow]

Waking up is such a hell Nightmare is the time when I'm not sleeping The time when I'm living my daily life trying so hard to to keep it up My body ached so does my brain Gosh I hate seeing them laughing are they mocking me? I wish I could ripped their mouth off I hate it when I found myself so fake I don't know since when I acted like this Shit I lost it way long before uh

I found my self staring What's wrong with the mirror why it's not my reflection that I'm seeing Am I eating some drugs? What is it that I'm feeling

Seeing them boils all my blood inside I need to cool down They are so annoying I've been killing them in my mind multiple times Will time make them stop? Will it ever stop Gosh they are so noisy I want them dead I want them to be gone Or do I want me to be dead? Do I want me to be gone?

Fuck it I don't know

[areuhappynow]

My clock has stop ticking since I don't know when I'm trying to reach you out But why you keep getting further away I reach out my hand to you But the wind is the only one who’s welcoming me

I keep walking and walking I don't know how long and how far I've come I see no ending Stuck

What is happening I scream all of my lungs out but there is no voice coming I'm running, walking But why do I keep ended up on the same place Left and right I'm surrounded by nothing My time I've lost it

I have no time to rest But why do I keep staying on the same place?

[areuhappynow]

I hate myself I hate the self I’m becoming I hate the things that I’m doing I hate the way I keep feeling small in front of others I hate that I can’t have a voice of my own I hate that I keep comparing myself to others I hate the fact that I keep lingering onto the feelings I want to let go I hate the fact that I hate myself

[areuhappynow]

It’s been a long way walk Been wandering and wandering Just like those types of bridge you found when watching wizard of oz But it seems not ending My feet hurts Till when should I keep walking, why can’t I find my way out yet

[areuhappynow]

그만하고싶다.

[areuhappynow]

The bell is ringing As I get up I can hear someone’s crying This girl, she keeps following me everywhere She is now sitting with her head on her knees sobbing and shaking I sighed this is from the weight of the world

I slowly walk to her as she held her head up Hair is covering all of her face along with tears, she is a mess

I hold her hand, trying to comfort her I can see she is hurting The world is cruel, and the people who lives on it is even more cruel It’s okay, I keep telling her it is gonna be okay Even when the world turns into black and white It is not impossible for rainbow to show up in the end I embrace her as she standing Giving her a soft pat in the back She is doing well, she worked hard

[areuhappynow]

I want to know How it feels To love and to be loved I want to know How it feels To be at home

[areuhappynow]

[areuhappynow]

.....

It was all blurry as ever

The shaking on the shoulder it keeps coming back It was raining hard like always The tree was all shaking, bending Left and right even ups and downs

Since when this is all went wrong Was it when I was left alone in the playground? I was sitting still Looking down upon my feet Looking straight towards the gate Wind slowly touching my face the hair gets tangled I keep waiting for someone to come Was it real or was it just in my head?

I just wanna find a way out The door keeps closing right on my face The life keeps getting messier,  heavier I'm sitting by myself The lights around are turning themselves down I need to find my way

Looking at my reflection in the mirror I'm not okay, I'm not okay Don't tell me that I look okay Don't tell me I'm fine Nothing's like what it seems,  I'm hurting

I don't wanna be me The me right now, the me that they showing off to the world I'm not fond of her I struggle, to find what I really am, what I really want The road is longer than it seems I may already lost in it

Pretending to be okay is exhausting Let's be happier

[areuhappynow]

It’s been a rough, tiring and boring week Feels like I’m going around around in this carousel Nowhere to stop, keep going in the same direction, no changing I’m getting dizzy, it is suffocating I hate the fact I keep ended on the same place, running so hard but stuck

[areuhappynow]

It is 3 months to go until the end of the year. Does anything change? The dark still wrapped me around their arms, not letting me to go out yet, the spook of october they said. Halloween is around the corner, does the costume hide away the dark? does the costume will hide away the fear? Will the party sway away the pain? Will they?

[areuhappynow]

Here again, the storm haven't calm a tiny bit yet. There's a day when it becoming more stronger and stronger that I can't even stand still. The sky is bright but the storm continues, what's the meaning behind this. What is actually happening..

[areuhappynow]

They said suicide is the not the worst. They said living without any soul is the worst. I can agree.  Living your everyday life without any soul, I’ve been there. When your body is trying so hard  to live but your mind is already dead.  That is the worst.

[areuhappynow]

This is the moment where I can’t even recognize my reflection . How I keep seeing different faces, there’s even a time where I can’t even see a thing. Nothing. Looking up to my reflection in the mirror, in the window, they seems blurry, doesn’t resembles me at all. Night is at its darkest, stars can’t light the way, moonlight seems to running away. I’m trapped in this situation. Trying to keep moving forward but i feel like something is grabbing my feet, I feel like something is wrapped around my neck. Trying to runaway just like how the source of the light doing to me. Nothing. I changed nothing.

[areuhappynow]

Here comes the unknown feeling that I’ve felt for almost a year now. This is where everything seems so tiring, that even breathing is suffocating me. I haven’t fix my insomnia yet, been couple of months already. I’ve been unknowingly lying to everyone that I’m doing good, I’m doing fine. Denial. One thing that I have no doubt doing. There is this feeling when I feel like sighing so much but it doesn’t let the burden away, everyday is getting heavier and heavier. I’m not really sure what I’m suffering with, but one thing I’m really sure is I’m not okay, I’m not doing fine. Everything seems so wrong, nothing is making me going forward I’m just going crazy down here. What should I do? Who should I seek help to?