arjex-and-stuff

[arjex-and-stuff]

Didn't kill myself. Yet.

Maybe someday I'll actually have the energy and nerve at the same time.

It's weird how excited and sick I feel at the idea.

Maybe I'll get lucky and something will kill me and then I won't have to. Well. Exist at all. You can't worry about dying if you're dead.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I don't want to die alone.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I missed the whole mcc because of work. I thought I'd still get to see part of it. That's okay. It wasn't that important.

[arjex-and-stuff]

There's some stuff I'm glad about.

A lot of lasts that have been really nice.

It's kind of hard to remember things.

Um. I got to go to a concert for my favorite band. Or my favorite right now. It was a really good time. I should make sure I listen to the CD's I got a few times.

I finally got to have a mini fridge in my room. It's been really nice. Going down the stairs hurts a lot more now than it did when I was a kid. It's nice to have drinks and some snacks in my room. And access to a working toilet. I can actually be by myself for a day when I need to.

I got to have that lobster roll I like one more time.

I decorated eggs with my neice.

I got to spend Christmas with most of my family. And I get to visit my grandparents on the 12th. That will be nice.

Some fun internet things happened. The charity stream was amazing. I'm happy I got to watch some of it.

There was an April fools life game. So I got to see one more life game.

A few fanfics I was reading wrapped up.

I beat the ender dragon with my friends again. It was a lot of fun and very silly. I hope they had fun too.

I did make 2 videos. They suck and I will never touch that channel again. But I did make them.

My friends are all still hanging out with each other. I'm glad they have each other.

The fish oil and magnesium have me functioning somewhat. I am able to do some of the things I like. I don't feel miserable all the time. Its a good bandage.

MCC is starting up again tomorrow. So I'll get to see a little bit of one last MCC before I die. My friends are going to hang out together and watch it.

I like most of my co-workers. My job isn't too hard. It hurts pretty much the entire time I'm there now with how bad my ankles are. But I can put up with that a few weeks longer. I feel kind of bad I'll just be disappearing on them without any notice. But I won't be the first and I won't be the last. With any luck they will just shrug off my disappearance and not find out what happened.

But it's nice to have a job I kind of like doing.

I did something awful. I joined a new discord server. I just kind of thought it would be. I don't know. I don't fit in well in the other servers I'm in. So I thought it would be about the same. I feel like I fit in on this server. It's really nice. They're good people. It was a really great few weeks spending time with them. I'm going to try to be a little less active. If I'm going to disappear I don't want it to be as harsh of a blow. If I can quietly fade out fewer people will notice I'm gone.

But it was really nice to feel like part of a community again. And feel like people cared. I only know the people there superficially. But I could actually vent about some of my problems a little. Nothing excessive. And could talk about adult stuff with the adults. I really hope that community stays strong. They were good for me. I hope that they don't miss me too much. Hopefully I'm just some guy who was a blip and then gone.

Stuff I want to do. Or won't get to do.

I really wanted to see the ocean again. It's not really that big of a deal. I was thinking about going out to the ocean to kill myself, but it's too long of a drive. Might change my mind before I get there.

I still want to go fishing. I don't think I'll get my shit together enough to go. I feel bad. My parents got me the stuff to go and I haven't used it. I really thought I would have the energy to go. I really want to. I just. Am useless. I'm useless at existing I'm just fucking useless.

I want to see my friends again. I won't. They don't deserve this and I am being unimaginably cruel to everyone I know and they deserve to see me one last time. But I don't deserve to see them. I don't deserve them at all.

I think I'll read one more book. I'll read one of the new ones I got for Christmas. Then the gift won't be completely wasted.

I'm not going to get my stuff paid off. That's only a problem if mom accepts the debt. I hope she doesn't. I've already been such a massive waste of time and money.

I really wanted to finish this one video. I actually wanted to make a lot more. I had planned a lot more. The plans went out the window when I decided to scrap my channel. I think instead I should just focus on spending time with my family. I'm not going to finish that video. I worked so hard on it. But it just doesn't matter. Nothing I do or want matters.

I'm just so fucking stupid. I wanted to figure things out. I'm just so fucking stupid.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

I can't help myself I don't deserve help.

I'd like to kiss someone again. I'm not delusional enough to want sex. But just being held for a little while would be nice. No one I've been with has just held me. I don't really deserve it. And it would be mean to whoever it is since I'm going to kill myself. But this is a list of things I wish I could have before I die. It doesn't have to be realistic.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

Pomegranates are out of season. They're my favorite fruit.

I can't really think of anything else I want that's within the realm of obtainable.

I could go for a hike again. It'll hurt, but I miss it. I'll try to go.

I'm sad I won't get to see the fireflies this year.

I'd like to drive out to somewhere truly dark and see the milky way again. That one won't happen either. But it was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. It'd be nice to see it again. I hope that if there's some kind of existence after death you can see the stars.

I hope there's nothing after death. I hope that every fiber of anything I once was disappates and there is no mind or energy or flicker of being left. I hope there's nothing. I just want to be nothing. I don't want to exist any more. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm only 30 and I'm just so tired.

My life isn't even that hard. I'm just pathetic.

I should play pokemon mystery dungeon again. It's my favorite game. I haven't played it in a long time.

Read a book. Go for a walk in the woods. Go fishing. Play PMD one last time.

That's a nice list. That can be accomplished. If I do 3 out of 4 of those I think I'll be happy. Not that it really matters if I'm happy.

I just have to remember that no matter how good I feel at the moment things will keep steadily getting worse and I need to end things before I set myself up to hurt even more people. I'm going to kill myself eventually regardless. I need to do it now so that I'm not even more of a financial drain on my parents. A funeral is cheaper than having to support me for the rest of their lives.

I'm useless I'm so fucking useless.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I wish someone would hold me.

I'm fat and hairy and nasty and stupid and have nothing real to offer to a relationship. No one wanting to touch me is fair. It's allowed. I did this to myself and I'm hideous. I thought I'd get to finish transitioning and actually look like a man. But I'm stuck halfway.

I just want to be held by someone who actually likes me. I don't deserve it but I want it so bad.

I just want someone to talk to. I wish I could talk to someone. I can't. Too much risk of getting locked up in a hospital. The lifetimes worth of debt would be grounds for killing myself alone. I'd just be back to the same place. I'd get locked up and they'd just hurt me more and I just can't. I can't.

I hope it hurts.

I deserve to hurt.

One last horrible painful moment.

I'm so tired of hurting all the time.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

[arjex-and-stuff]

You have to remember. You have to remember. No one here is safe to talk to. No emotions more than mild. No negativity outside of sarcasm. It's fine it's fine it's fine just remember. Hurt yourself so you remember. Burn it in. Those subjects aren't safe. Showing emotions that aren't positive isn't safe. You do not get to be part of the conversation. You are there to absorb what other people say and feed it back to them so they feel better.

It'll be over soon. So soon. Just a few weeks now. I have to. I have to remember how this feels. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I hope there's nothing. I hope souls don't exist I hope there's nothing.

Suicide is horribly selfish. I wouldn't deserve peace. I deserve to hurt.

I didn't even make anything. I didn't even make anything. All I wanted to do was tell stories so people would feel less alone.

I wish the stories I read and watched made me feel less alone. They don't anymore. Now they make me feel more alone. It hurts.

I'm so tired of hurting.

I've been hurting like this for as long as I remember.

It just keeps getting worse.

I wish I had killed myself when I was 9. There would be fewer people to hurt. They wouldn't have told my classmates it was suicide. It wouldn't have been as hard on everyone.

God I'm a horrible person. Everyone is going to be upset and I'm going to do it anyway.

I hope they hate me. I hope they don't hate each other. It's not anyone's fault but mine.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I'm just a bunch of mental illnesses pretending to be a person. Hope that's okay.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I'm going to die scared and alone and that hurts so much.

There's so many people who love me and I can't trust any of them.

Going to the hospital would put me in debt for the rest of my life and I would genuinely just rather die.

And you know I figure it would be the pneumonia or some kind of cancer or something eventually. But it's the mental health.

No one talks about mental health issues being chronic. Or terminal. But maybe we should apply that kind of language to it. I've had severe mental health issues since I was a child and now it's terminal. That sounds nice and official. Serious. If I were going to live much longer I'd make a post on my main account about it.

I have a stress rash again. I haven't showered in two weeks. It's probably not a stress rash I'm probably just filthy.

If I told my mom she would make a joke about it. Or make it all about her. And there's no way in hell I can let her know she's part of the problem. The resulting pity party would just piss me off and we'd be back to square 1. Talking to her is pointless.

I don't have a relationship with my step dad. We kind of hang out and watch TV. We don't talk about anything let alone anything important.

Siblings are out they would just completely blame my mom and gloss over everything else that is wrong.

Friends are similar. And they can't really do anything. Like. Oh yay we can play minecraft quietly and separately on the same server while not talking. Also I just genuinely don't trust one of you at all anymore because of a stupid thing you said on a video I made and I know that's irrational but that's just how fucking broken I am.

It's just better if I keep distancing myself. My older siblings it'll be easy. They don't talk to me unless I talk to them. I'm just a little blip on their radar among a forest of other blips. They'll forget I existed except around holidays. My younger sibling I'm really close to though. I think it'll hurt them really badly.

I mean it's going to hurt a lot of people when I kill myself.

But I'm not really even a person. I'm a bunch of mental health problems pretending to be a person and causing massive amounts of financial stress on the people around me.

And I'm going to die afraid and alone. Because I can't tell anyone what's going on.

I need help so bad and can't get any.

I wish I could have a hug. From someone I trust. I have so many issues trusting people.

Sleep cocktail is kicking in. 2 benedryl and 2 Melatonin and an edible. Whoo.

Guess that's enough pity party for now. I'm a fucking shitty person. Boo hoo. I'm afraid of everyone who loves me blah blah fucking blah.

I don't want to die scared and alone. I don't think there's any other way. Hopefully it only hurts for a few minutes.

Maybe it'll hurt forever. I'd deserve it.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I did make 2 videos. I did something. I can't make more. A friend accused me of lying on one of them. I didn't know I was lying. I didn't remember I'd done that thing before. I can't make more. I can't trust my friends. They accused me in public in front of everyone I know. It upset me really badly. I can't seem to get past it now. Stupid youtube channel with like 12 views. I was expecting strangers to try to hurt me. I don't know why my friend did.

I can't share anything I make with them. If I forget more things. I can't. I can't. I can't explain or justify every mistake I make.

What are they going to say if I try to act? What are they going to do if I lie intentionally for my own safety or because I don't want to share all of the details of something?

I don't know how to talk to them about this.

It's okay. The videos were bad anyway.

I was so prepared for random strangers to try to hurt me it never even crossed my mind that a close friend would.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to make videos anymore.

I don't want to do anything anymore.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I've decided to move things up a bit. I didn't want to ruin anyone's birthday or holidays but I'm going to no matter what

Is it weird that I'm excited? I didn't know you could feel dread and excitement at the same time.

I've wanted this for decades. I'm so happy it'll finally be over. I feel horrible. I feel elated.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I won't be a financial burden anymore. The emotional burden will fade eventually.

I know my family loves me. I'm completely useless. But they love me anyway. That's. Nice. It's nice.

I just. Realized that the one thing I've wanted the longest is to die. There are no careers or hobbies or places I've wanted to go that outweigh that. It never goes away.

It gets better for a little bit sometimes. But it never goes away. It never goes away. When I was 9 I decided I'd kill myself after my grandparents died. Save them from having to deal with the death of a child and grandchild.

Well I'm 31 now and they're still alive and I am a useless sack of shit who is never going to be able to function normally in society.

And I'm just so tired.

And I just don't care anymore. It's going to hurt everyone and I just. Have nothing. I'm sorry. I feel bad about it. Not bad enough to stop.

I'm just so tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being exhausted all the time. I don't have anyone I can even talk to. I will never have a job that financially outweighs the cost of existing. And I just don't know how to manage all of the paperwork. I just. I don't want to do this. It's not worth it.

I'm not worth it.

God I'm so excited to not have to do this anymore. To become nothing. If souls exist I hope mine dissipates like dandelion seeds on the wind. I hope nothing is left behind. I hope that whatever existence I have is completely gone. I don't want to watch. I don't want to be reborn. I just want to disappear. Completely.

Life just isn't worth it.

I wish I had done this sooner. I wish I had done this when I was 9. God I was so stupid. Finding reason after reason to hold on. The longer you hold on the more people you hurt when you go. I really should have killed myself before I got this far.

I thought I could be happy. You know. Or at least just not miserable. I'm so stressed out constantly. I'm so tired all the time. I can't even make myself do the things I want to do. I've had these problems my whole life but they just keep getting worse. I thought I'd get better.

Turns out you never get better.

I could have made progress. I had money. I could have gotten therapy and medical help.

I spent it on garbage instead.

And that's what I am. Anyway. Always have been.

Gotta stop talking now. Have another long day of getting nothing I want to do accomplished tomorrow.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I wish I could cry.

I wish I weren't broken and stupid.

I wish I didn't let people down.

I don't know why I do stuff like this. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm selfish and stupid and don't deserve to do things I like.

I wish I could cry.

[arjex-and-stuff]

Can't get myself to work on the project.

May. I have until may. The 28th I think.

I don't want to die but I don't want to try anymore.

The videos don't have to do well. But they have to exist. If I don't have more than one by may then there's no hope for me.

I just don't want it bad enough. To make videos. To go to school. To write. To live.

I haven't wanted to live since I was nine years old.

I guess it doesn't really matter if there's videos. I think that's more something I just want to prove to myself I'm able to do. Even if I can't make more than one. That's okay.

Most of of the stuff I wanted to do will never be possible for me anyway. I wish I had gone to Venice when I had the chance. You know.

I don't deserve the things I want.

I'm basically not even a person. Just a bunch of mental illnesses. All fucked up and constantly stressed out.

I just have to hold on until may. No one's birthday is in may..

They're all going to be upset with me. That's okay. I'm a massive fuck up. The kid who ends up living with their parents forever. If I stop talking to my friends now maybe it won't hurt them as bad. I don't want to hurt them. I just know that I'm too broken to ever be a real person.

Too tired to keep my eyes open. That's okay. These thoughts don't need to be finished.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I'm tired. I can't sleep. I spent all day working on a project that makes me happy. I spent the last hour of the evening reading about the newest horrible things Isreal is doing to the Palestinians. I can't sleep. My ankle has been locking up all day. It's the left one. It hurts to walk even once I get it moving again. My leg hurts now. Work is going to suck tomorrow. I have to make sure to wear good shoes. I have to get up in time to put on good shoes. Did you know. It takes me five minutes to put on a sock and a shoe and tie it. I am slow. I am so slow at everything. I'm disabled. I lie about it. A lot. To myself. To my family. I avoid talking about it to my friends. They know. I have to get up early enough to put on and tie shoes tomorrow because I am slow and because my legs are slowly beginning to not work and I can't tell anyone because I can't afford to go to the doctor and complaining is pointless if you aren't going to try to fix the problem. I'm so tired. My leg hurts. I have work tomorrow. I have to get up early enough. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I have work tomorrow. I deliver pizza. My leg hurts. I am so tired.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I wish I would stop finding reasons not to kill myself. I'm so tired of doing this over and over again.

[arjex-and-stuff]

Can't clean can't dye my hair can't even make myself play a fucking video game. Can barely take care of my pet. Can't talk to my friends about it. Can't talk to strangers about it. Can't afford a therapist.

I'm just so tired. I don't even do anything and I'm just so tired. I will never be able to fix the things wrong with me.

[arjex-and-stuff]

There is something absolutely devastating about realizing that not only does my mother not know me, but I don't want her to. I wish she knew less.

[arjex-and-stuff]

I'm going to ramble about a type of self loathing that is a little weird. I've convinced myself throughout my life that having crushes is weird/wrong and that I'm fucked up for crushing on actors or musicians or just some youtuber who I like watching and think has pretty eyes.

In my head that kind of thing is for teenagers.

But... I didn't let myself do it as a teenager either. I didn't let myself do anything that I believed would make me vulnerable, even if that's not the framing of it I had then. Everything I felt and cared about had to be kept very very close and hidden down deep so that it wouldn't be destroyed. Including the perfectly normal experience of having crushes.

There's a lot of things I could point to as to why I did this. Do this. There's a factor where when I did have crushes the adults in my life handled them spectacularly badly. Either being encouraging to the point of it becoming a problem or just teasing me to the point of it not being fun anymore, with little inbetween. The jokes about me only liking gay men are suddenly non-existant after coming out as trans. Go figure.

Having crushes on almost exclusively gay men before I couldn't live in denial about being trans anymore factored in. Straight girls (which I was trying my damndest to force myself to be) into gay guys were pretty readily torn apart by the internet in the early 2000's. Don't know how that is today because I heavily curate what I see online these days.

There are other factors, but it's 5am and this is already getting long, so I'll spare everyone, including myself.

So. When I have a crush I immediatly mock myself, chastise myself, get angry at myself for bothering to entertain useless fantasies.

I set the stage of my attraction by directing hate towards myself immediatly because in part I feel like having crushes is wrong to do, and in part because if I direct the attention towards how stupid I am for having a crush in the first place, I immediatly direct any mocking towards myself instead of the person I'm interested in.

...

This is a problem for a LOT of reasons. Every time I find myself enamored with someone I have to dig through six layers of self loathing to accept that this is a perfectly normal human thing and I am not a monster for thinking about kissing some guy.

I'm allowed to have crushes. I'm allowed to make up little fantasies in my head about going on dates. It's a normal human thing to do. I don't deserve to hate myself for it. I'm not doing something wrong. I'm just doing something humans do.

It's okay and healthy to like people.

[arjex-and-stuff]

Some people hoard books. Some people hoard trinkets. Some people hoard clothes. I hoard anxious people with mental problems. I see an anxious person and decide we're friends after 5 minutes of conversation.

It's not intentional but it does keep happening.