armagideontheninth

[armagideontheninth]

Vi #1 – Love’s Perfect Martyr

PRISONER 516

A girl who always believed she was lesser, who was forced to carry burdens no one of that age ought to. Beaten, abused and condemned to rot in the dark. To begin to understand her life is to ask yourself, just how much are you prepared to weep?

Hers is a true tragedy, a childhood stolen, her spirit tortured repeatedly by others yet forever seeking to punish herself for their sins. That she is at all able to keep going when others have threatened to cast the ultimate sanction upon themselves is as extraordinary as the cruelty she suffers.

What sort of sick joke of a world does this to a child? It is hard to understand why Marcus, someone who has a daughter himself, would subject anyone, let alone another child, to be institutionally abused without any prospect of release. But then, we know better, don’t we? We’ve seen, are seeing, in the world around us, just how easily cruelty is inflicted, and just how easily it is excused and dismissed by those who inflict it.

7 years. No records. No consequences. The ideal target for every sadist in Stillwater. An ocean of trauma so deep that when finally set free her shoulders cannot help but twitch at the opening of her cell, such is the ingrained anticipation of yet more pain.

A DAUGHTER UNDONE

Like Cassandra, like Silco, Vander tried to do what he thought was best for his daughter. He tried to protect her, sacrificed much to do so, he tried to imbue her with all the qualities he believed would allow her to survive and succeed. Yet, much like every parent in Arcane, for all the good intentions and hopes, all they do is lay the groundwork for that which will perpetually torment their offspring.

Responsibility, selflessness, protecting the family. Noble sentiments that create a pathology so potent and hardwired it will all but ruin her. ‘You don’t get to be selfish’, ‘it’s on you’, Vi might have been the oldest, but she was too young, much too young for what was being asked of her. Perhaps Vander saw no other choice, perhaps he saw in her his own spirit and sought to nuture it. Nevertheless, it all but condemns Vi to a life always in service to others, where all their mistakes are to be claimed as hers, all tragedies to be of her own making. That any punishments for such disasters are hers to endure and that she deserves to endure them.

All this might have eventually faded if not for how beautiful and steadfast her heart is, how it is the largest, purest, the most incorruptible. From this her mindset is calcified, made so stubborn that it takes great pain and tragedy to try and break her free of it, wherein a sister’s final act of love will release her heart, to let it finally find balance between the infinite love it wants to give, and the infinite love it always, always deserved.

MORAL MASOCHISM

Yet during her incarceration, did she rationalise the abuse she received as just punishment for what happened to her sister? Is that how her mind tried to find a way to comprehend the violence done to her, to make sense of it, to help her survive it?

I cannot help coming back to the idea that over the years she ultimately developed a number of masochistic tendencies, a sense of suffering as a good so long as it is her who is suffering. Seeing others in pain, specifically those she cares for, is seen as a failure on her part, but so long as it is her who suffers rather than them, then that’s something she can live with, whatever the cost.

The guilt she feels is so obvious, the embrace of violence, be it as perpetrator or victim, the alcohol, are all signs of a soul trying to alleviate those feelings and find some temporary peace in the twisted oblivion they offer.

Then there is the negative self-talk, the lack of self-care and the willingness to throw herself into harm for others, to sacrifice herself and put other’s needs above her own. Self-destruction, almost desired self-destruction, where death is only allowed in service to a loved one, to keep them from harm.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT

Caitlyn was correct, what happened to Powder wasn’t her fault, what happened with Jinx wasn’t her fault, and what happened to Caitlyn wasn’t her fault either. She always did everything she could, pushed as hard as she could, loved as hard as she could, to be the sister, the friend, the lover, and despite paying the price every single time, never let it corrupt her heart.

She was just a child, lashing out when pushed to breaking point. She was a child who had risked everything, given everything, and lost everything. To discover in that moment that Powder had disobeyed her and followed along, that she had set off the explosion… Vi told her she wasn’t ready, and she was right. She then immediately regrets hitting her, stares at her bloodied hand in horror and walks away to breathe, to try and pull herself together, to process what has happened and find some scrap of control. But it’s too late, by the time she realizes what is happening she’s taken, lost to her sister and condemned to years of darkness, abuse and cold stone floors.

At the Season one finale she understood the false dichotomy presented to her, Caitlyn or Powder. The answer was always both, but in the moment, she made the only choice she could which was to try and save both. What took place that night with the strike against the council, the ramifications for both Piltover and Zaun were never hers to bear nor was she responsible for what was to come.

Yet she follows her heart and is forced to choose once more, and once more she makes the best choice she can; to protect those she cares for. I wonder if Caitlyn ever realised that when Vi stood between her and Jinx, it wasn’t a betrayal. It wasn’t a choice to side with her mother’s killer at her expense, but rather that it was for her sake, to keep her from potentially getting an innocent child’s blood on her hands. As is always the case with Vi, it is an act of love, and as ever she is punished for it, left in tears, alone once more.

At which point we see the masochism again, the self-annihilation through violence and drink. And yet, still, she finds space in her heart to try and trust once more, to try and forgive, to share her heart. In the end, both Jinx and Caitlyn offer themselves up to her in their own way, and at last set her free to finally live a life she can choose for herself, unburdened by the responsibilities that had shackled her to the past.

ARE YOU STILL IN THIS FIGHT, VIOLET?

For as much as Caitlyn is the character I connect with and relate to the most, it is Vi who I admire above all, and to my mind is the true hero of Arcane. Heroism is rarely the gallant final stand, or the one in a million save, most often it is something that passes unnoticed, feats of inner courage and resilience that may only ever be known to the person who finds it within themselves. Silent wars played out over years, perhaps decades, and for her it is one she has been fighting all her life.

Vi had every opportunity to turn bad, every reason and motivation to collapse into malevolent cruelty, but she never does. The world really did try to break her, where even those closest to her heart played a role in doing so. Yet for all that impossible grief and trauma she always retained her endless capacity for affection and forgiveness. Hers is a heart I long to emulate but will never come close to. Nevertheless it can be a guide, a shining comfort during the harder days, the brightest of stars in an unfeeling world that seems to grow ever darker.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #7 – A father’s grief, a daughter’s justice and the struggle to move on.

LOSING A FATHER

In the wake of Cassandra’s death, I cannot help but feel Caitlyn really wasn’t supported by her father Tobias, or at least we don't see her get much, if any during that time. He hands her the Kiramman key, probably not the best idea at that moment, then snaps at Vi before leaving Cait to just take on all that responsibility alone. He is of course grieving, mourning a loss all his own, yet it’s painful to see how very little he’s able to do for her, to be that parental stability in a time of crisis.

Tobias wasn’t at the memorial either, presumably unable to due to his grief, so it looks for all the world that Caitlyn must now also look after her grieving father. Heaven knows how he would have reacted to news of the memorial massacre, that his daughter was almost murdered a matter of days after his partner of so many years.

There is therefore something to be said about how Cassandra’s absence hits the family extremely hard, especially due to its matriarchal structure and how much influence she wielded. I get the impression she held the family together in a way that isn’t at all appreciated until she’s gone, with neither Caitlyn nor Tobias able to really get to grips with this new reality.

The stark contrast of loving hugs one minute to her own father being greyed out at the funeral is also very severe. It displays a jarring emotional estrangement that leaves Caitlyn effectively orphaned with no familial support, just more responsibility and burden, more unwanted expectations to manage on top of her own grief, her own guilt, and a city baying for blood.

Little wonder that she inevitably succumbs to being a Kiramman, or rather what she believes one to be. I swear her family name is a curse, robbing her of a sense of self, consuming any identity of her own. Instead it becomes a role she feels she must play, for her mother, for the guilt she feels. Everyone looks to her, but Salo was correct, it isn’t the woman they’re looking at, only one person ever truly cared to ‘see’ her, and for that she would become the very colour of Caitlyn’s world.

JUSTICE SEES ANOTHER DAWN

Lingering doubts over why Caitlyn betrays Ambessa are easy to answer once you look at how Caitlyn’s sense of justice permeates so much of what she does. Much like how responsibility drives Vi, ideas of justice are very much at the heart of her actions.

When Caitlyn is chosen, when she steps forward and takes Ambessa’s hand, it is precisely that sense of justice that plays such a part. Justice for her mother, for her grieving father, for herself, for all those who have died at Jinx’s hands and all the widows and orphans left in the wake of the escalating violence.

Yet this isn’t a fundamental change in who she is, it is very much a part of her, what is being revealed in that moment is in fact the fatal flaw, her weakness, what happens when a sense of justice is twisted by a consuming hatred and anger, when the voices of empathy and compassion fall silent and vengeance is born. This isn’t a change in her as such, it is the reality of how her mind has always worked, but where her fundamental motivation has been informed by all the wrong emotions, all pooling in her heart at exactly the wrong moment.

And it is the better part of Caitlyn’s sense of justice that ultimately prevails at the commune. It never went away (see her reactions to Ambessa and Singed) but rather had been held hostage by her need to catch Jinx, by her struggle to let go, as to do so would feel like a betrayal of her mother and those she believes she’s fighting for. The expectations of her, as Piltover’s leader, as a Kiramman, these all play their role in shackling her to this path.

Yet she is forced to weigh up that pursuit against a fresh appeal to her morality. A final test almost, as choosing one side rejects the other with no middle ground as events come to a head. Enough of being conflicted, now she must decide. Much like Viktor’s cog, she will need to land on one side or the other. That it is Vi at the heart of this makes all the difference.

At first sight of her we see the emotions flare in Caitlyn’s face; softer eyes, her jaw unclenched. Whatever remorse she has, whatever affection remains, whatever shame she bears for what she did to Vi would almost certainly have started creeping into her mind.

Being called cupcake again, almost certainly helped her to recall all the love they shared. What she would have given for a gentle hand on her cheek to nuzzle into, but more importantly, to be treated as a person, rather than as a role, or a title.  

In knowledge of all that, how could she ever let someone like Singed do this to Vi’s father? How could she allow Ambessa to exploit it, and ultimately, how can she allow herself to be complicit in such an evil act, one that would devastate Vi in the process, the one she hurt, the only one who genuinely understood her, and loved her, who was there for her in her darkest moments.

And so, her sense of justice is ignited in a way she likely hasn’t felt since her mother was killed. She can’t let it happen, she won’t, her stepping in sets her free, where her compassion finds purchase once more, where her heart compels her to act.

It is through Vi and Vander’s plight that Caitlyn is reminded of what justice ought to mean, and which emotions are best suited to guide it. If Caitlyn had truly changed, had her fundamental beliefs shifted, then Vi might never have gotten through to her.

The tragic comedy of all this, is that after all the chaos, of potentially losing that chance at vengeance she’s been seeking, she has what she always wanted. Jinx is in custody, and with Vi unconscious she could end her if inclined to, but with what she’s seen, with what she now knows of her nemesis and her family, her heart isn’t so sure.

CAITLYN’S ARC AND VIKTOR’S SPEECH

One detail I love is how her arc ties so directly into Viktor’s speech at the end of S2E6, about humanity, the sides of the coin and what drives us to act as we do. For Caitlyn, the coin in question is that justice of hers, and her actions in the episode all revolve around which side she will fall.

On one side her greatest good; her justice driven by empathy and love, and on the other her greatest evil; her cold blooded vengeance, the oppression and the hate. She is capable of all these things, the struggle for her will always be to ensure it stays on the better side of her nature.

RECONCILIATION WITH HERSELF

What I also like is how she seems to ultimately accept this as a part of who she is. She never attempts to make an excuse for what she’s done, or to argue that it somehow wasn’t ‘her’. Instead, she simply accepts that she failed, that she was responsible for so much harm and that there is nothing she can ever do to erase that. We get demonstrative proof that she has a conscience, and with it the guilt and shame she needs to process.

Yet how she moves on from it is one of the most admirable things about her. When she talks about not having the energy for hatred any longer, the clear implication is also about her own self-hatred, for it too serves little purpose at that point, other than consuming effort that could be going towards something better.

At some point you have to acknowledge what you’ve done and look to the future. There isn’t a way for her to undo the past so better to just do what you can in the here and now, try to be better, try to be there for those you love and care for. Having a dark aspect to your soul doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t fight for a brighter future. You can’t control what is to come, or predict the consequences, but you can choose as to what you’ll do now, where you stand and who you stand with.

Caitlyn's understanding as to her mistakes is also nicely personified in giving up the Kiramman seat, especially to Sevika. Few people in power ever choose to give it up in such a manner, but it works most effectively as a nod to her ultimate distrust of her family legacy. In so doing she not only works to ensure it cannot wield such power again, but that it cannot control her any longer. In embracing her name, she lost herself, in rejecting it she takes back who she is.

POETRY CORNER: “This Be the Verse” – Philip Larkin (1971)

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.  

    They may not mean to, but they do.  

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,  

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #6 – The Queen is Dead, Long Live the Queen.

A DOOMED ROLE

Of course, it is all so obvious when looking back at how it was all put together, that they’d have Caitlyn’s first scene as an adult be that of guarding her mother’s tent, and by extension, her mother. That they would then have her being mocked for it, albeit jokingly, for the lack of any perceived threat, and then, to plunge and twist the knife, have that season end with her silent screams as her mother is killed. And in that suspended moment of agony, she can do absolutely nothing to stop it.   

There is a tragedy here in how both Cassandra and Caitlyn are ultimately unable to protect the other. Cassandra’s string pulling and interfering, her attempts to keep her child safe from harm, inadvertently drives her own misfit daughter into a world that twists, corrupts and scars her forever. All the while Caitlyn fails to prevent her mother’s death when the opportunity to do so was perhaps a mere trigger pull away.

Yet it cuts all the deeper in how it was her duty as an enforcer to protect her, the very same duty she chose against her mother’s own wishes, the role she took on in defiance of her mother’s expectations for her. Imagine the pain of knowing that you were unable to fulfil that chosen duty, imagine the guilt and the shame in failing to prevent her death, her murder, at the same time knowing that she did not want this purpose for you.

No chance to apologise, to talk, to reconcile over choices made. Just those dark waters of sorrow beginning to pool around her feet, slowly rising up to drown her.

A TORTURED HEART

Then imagine believing that it was you that let it happen, that all the grief and all the anger that the city now feels is your fault. What must those months have felt like, having to look in her father’s hollow, grief-stricken eyes each day convinced that it was her doing, her failure to act that brought all this down upon them.

I can only guess at the poisonous whispers that might have crawled into her mind. Perhaps trusting Vi was a mistake, that her empathy, her mercy, was an error, that her affection for Vi was a weakness that helped get her mother killed. It is perhaps why she needs reassurance that she is on her side, that her feelings are neither a mistake nor a weakness, that in this time of crisis she is not alone.

Caitlyn appears desperate for something to hold on to, desperate to believe precisely because she is beginning to doubt, to lose faith in her beliefs, convictions that had always seemed so certain. So as those hopes begin to fade, space is left inside her for something else, for anger and spite, their howls echoing out from the cracks in her heart.

Alas, everything seems to invite more tragedy, because as she pushes ever more desperately to end her nightmare, the more she pitches herself further into the dark.

A DEAD HOPE

When she heads underground the change in her is becoming clear. No smile, no softness, so little sign of that kind, empathetic soul that Vi had fallen for. Vi, now the last pillar holding up Caitlyn’s crumbling ideals. The kiss, the only thing left she has to offer.

Where Caitlyn before might have been able to reassure through words and provide a positive outlook, here she simply has nothing left, so she does the only thing she can to try and comfort her. A promise she needs to believe in, a promise they both need to believe in, for both are grieving in their own way, and without the other, doomed to collapse.

So when Vi steps in to prevent her from shooting Jinx, it is at this point when Caitlyn’s last hope truly dies. The last thread cut. “It’s all coming apart” she says to Vi, as yet another wave of grief washes through her, yet I don’t think it’s just the situation she speaks of, but rather her own beliefs, which are so essential to who she is.

The optimism for peace, at finding a better solution, all her talk in season one about plans, about being able to fix this, to end the cycle of violence. That is Caitlyn, but in that dark pit it’s all gone, she has been finally hollowed out and all that’s left is bitter sorrow and rage, nothing to believe in anymore, no one to believe in, not Vi, not even herself.

The dark waters have risen, and she is now fully submerged. The world feels dark, and so she feels no choice but to match that darkness with her own. Left to struggle in the depths until she can slowly swim back up, where a forgiving hand waits near the surface to guide her back, to help her breathe and be herself once again.

THE GRIEF AND THE GUILT

What saddens me most in how people view her grief, is in how reductive it can be, how it’s always placed in this highly relativistic framing rather than by its own merits as a human reaction to tragic events.

Some only appear to acknowledge her mother’s death and often do so in isolation, so I’ve decided to try and expand on why it’s so much more than that, and for someone like Caitlyn especially, the manner of the loss and its consequences do so much more to make sense of her reactions.

This is not 6 or 7 years into the future for her, it is in the immediate aftermath, it’s still raw, chaotic and unprocessed, with no time to grapple with it as events are moving fast, plans are being made by others and there is so little time to get ahead of things, to avert a greater disaster.

I feel that perhaps what’s missed is the sheer scale and scope of Caitlyn’s guilt in those moments.

The impact of her choices not only affect her family, but the entirety of the city. For Vi and Jinx it is an intimate, extremely intense familial grief and trauma that they go through, but for Cait there is this wider implication that while not as obvious, is just as potent in forever scarring a soul.

The attack on the council would have been one the most shocking event in the city’s entire history. Its leaders being assassinated, the survivors only alive because of Mel’s emerging powers, something even she isn’t truly aware of yet. Otherwise, they’d all be dead, Mel, Viktor, Jayce, everyone in that room.

There is no precedent for this, never has the city being stunned so violently, and Caitlyn, who’s only a few years into adulthood, feels the weight of all of this upon her, has the belief that it was she who could have prevented all this, history is now forever made darker by her perceived failures.  

It’s also very significant that the error she identifies is in her inaction. It is her failure to act which eats away at her, so it makes sense that she would try to be much more proactive in response. No more letting things go, now she must take control, force the issue and, in someone else’s words, bend her environment to her will.

She gets exploded, knocked out, exploded again, gunned down, kidnapped, emotionally abused and tortured, knocked out again, then has her mother killed. Aside from stopping Sevika, Cait is always the victim of another’s actions, lacking the strength to set the terms herself. This is something we see her try to correct in season two to very mixed results.

When it comes to this type of loss in real life, for those who have lost a loved one through homicide or manslaughter, the UK charities Mind and Cruse Bereavement Support have resources on this where similar themes emerge.

You get the questioning as to what could have been done to prevent it, the fear at the perpetrator still being out there and the risk they pose. Then there is the anger, the need for revenge and to lash out at those responsible.

What’s also mentioned, and what is very much the case with Cassandra, is the public nature of the event, the loss of privacy for Caitlyn in how it almost becomes public property, then the idea that grief must be put on hold while procedures and investigations take place, made so much worse by the fact that it is Caitlyn herself who is at the heart of this, feeding into her feelings of anger and vengeance as she becomes the agent for the city’s retribution.

As such it pains me when such grief is dismissed out of hand. It feels a very natural response to tragedy, one that is made so much more complicated by the circumstances of Cassandra’s death, their relationship, and Caitlyn’s own place within the society that has become part of the same tragedy.

It all brings me back to one of the saddest parts of Caitlyn’s story, for how desperately she tries to seek her mother’s approval after her death. She takes on a role she did not wish for, destroys the best parts of herself to be someone different, someone she imagines is more akin to what her mother had expected of her. As if to apologise, as if it could somehow bring her back.

Yet the very last thing Cassandra ever approved of, her final blessing, was for her to go after Vi. Nothing about ‘being a Kiramman’ and no lessons about being a councillor’s daughter, instead she saw what was in her daughter’s heart, and simply bade her to follow it.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #5: Jinx - Obsession, Fixation & Escalation

Newton’s Third Law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That forces come in pairs, and without their coupling birds would not fly, fish would not swim, and guns would not fire.

Blue hair, keen eyes, sharp minds, and, by the end, Piltover and Zaun’s foremost instruments of war. Unwitting symbols of a protracted conflict long before their time, yet a conflict determined to bury them both, where tragedy becomes the catalyst for mutation into something – someone – altogether darker.

From the very start they are fated to clash, Jinx’s undercity chaos the perfect lure for Topside’s greatest detective. The great conspiracy, Jayce almost mocks it when he says it, but Caitlyn has already established the groundwork of something all too real, already has started piecing together the puzzle of Silco’s great criminial enterprise. One has to wonder just how long she had been working on it up to that point, and at what age she began the project.

Yet it isn’t quite Silco who lies at the heart of her tapestry of notes and maps. One explosive night and the first true thread comes loose, where Caitlyn can't help but pull on it, unravelling it all until she finds her, the true subject of her investigation, the source of her anguish and ruin, and the one to help the young enforcer discover her own touch of violent madness.

ATTRACTION / REPULSION:

They are, I would agree, quite similar in a lot of ways. I would not go so far to say they are effectively the same person, as this does a disservice to their uniqueness as individuals, yet I can also imagine them being very close friends had they grown up together, sharing and supporting each other in their own nerdy hobbies and interests. Alas, speculative optimism is an Arcane fan’s stock-in-trade.

It can be hard to see the similarities on first viewing, easy to dismiss when you see how differently they present. Jinx has always benefited from having a larger-than-life persona, full of wit and chaotic charm to rally fans to her side. Conversely Caitlyn has a much more reserved personality by comparison, and tends to be much more selective as to where and when to expose her feelings, especially in the second season.

So, what do Arcane’s most prodigious gunslingers actually have in common? Well, by my reckoning we have the following if not more:

A longing to prove themselves, Powder with her inventions, Caitlyn with her investigations.

A desire to be of use to others through their pursuits.

Both clearly value their freedom and independence, yet both are routinely reminded of their roles in something larger, something that will inevitably overtake and trap them.

Leashed by familial expectations and a desire to break free of them.

Met with tragedy and yet both are moulded into something stronger and more dangerous as a result.

Both are drawn into the hands of powerful parental figures determined to use them for their own ends.

Equally wilful and impulsive, both susceptible to fits of rage and anger, capable of unflinching brutality when their ire is raised.

Fear of looking/being weak, of feeling powerless, both pursue dangerous avenues to try and shed this notion of weakness.

Both are misfits and troublemakers, balls of chaos thrown into the world from the opposite ends, casting great tides in fate’s capricious waters. Breaking the rules is in their DNA and even the champion of the law often flouts in when expedient or simply desirable.

They both, for most of the show, are unable to see the humanity in their opposite, blinded by a distorted view of the other, and fear of what the other will do to Vi, the one person they both share affection for.

Both ultimately have a deep need to feel loved, or rather, to be understood. They both lapse into self-hatred for large parts of the story when by themselves, both becoming aware of the wrongness they perpetrate and struggle to reconcile a way out.

Yet both are brave, neither back down nor stint when faced with conflict. Both are smart tacticians, utilising whatever tools are at their disposal to gain the upper hand.

Both are obsessives, when either latches onto something, they do not let go and heaven help anyone, family, friend or foe, who tries to stand in their way.

NEMESIS:

And there is the point, as Vi observes of Caitlyn in S1E8, this idea of obsession.

Following the Progress Day attack in S1E4, Jayce’s first question to Caitlyn is to ask how she’s feeling, understandable given she did almost die. The fact that she doesn’t answer, but instead goes straight to talking about the case, is the first clear sign of this central pillar to her personality. All Jinx’s attack did was light a fire that will propel Caitlyn into action in direct response. Action, reaction.

So we then see Caitlyn’s fixation come to life in earnest. Within the first episode of her as an adult, to go off on her own, forge release papers, break someone out of prison and travel into the undercity with a potentially dangerous stranger to pursue her mission.

Is it any surprise, is it at all hard to believe that after all she suffers at her hands, that someone this single minded and driven and willing to break the rules would become so unhinged in pursuing Jinx?

With her own mother murdered at Jinx’s hands, how could her obsession not devolve into an all-consuming hatred? Over the course of the first season Caitlyn is fed every motivation possible to go after her, from all the murders to the loss of the gem, topped off with kidnap, torture and a despairing cry that only Vi’s ears ever hear.

Such a mind can only take so much, and as such in S2E1 she’s already daydreaming a murder of her own in reply, in a cold scene of darkness where nothing lives, where her favourite violet petals all lie dead at her feet.

Cait is even misremembering Jinx’s laugh into something more sinister, fantasizing her destruction in such a way that Jayce is clearly caught off guard by it. She was already obsessed before, but what was a slightly more abstract quest for justice is now so deeply personal that all other considerations begin fall by the wayside. Her suffering amplifying the emotional investment to breaking point, where malignant emotions start to pour in through the cracks.

The thing is Caitlyn isn’t naturally vengeful or cruel. Her instinct isn’t to hate, her natural state is, more than anything, empathetic and kind. What brings her low is the lethal combination of her grief and her guilt coupled to her more obsessive traits, resulting in an escalating, single minded drive to end the nightmare at any cost. That’s not even mentioning Ambessa’s influence, manipulating events to devastate an already fragile psyche post rocket attack.

Then there other elements to factor in. Her desire to prove herself, her sense of responsibility to others growing exponentially as the death toll rises. The burden of leadership, the duty to protect, the eyes of an entire city resting upon her, crying for blood, and into her hand is offered the knife.

The problem with her hatred, however, is that it is based around a very unique set of circumstances, relates to a single individual and largely runs counter to who she is at heart, where her conscience and better nature will inevitably reassert itself. As such it requires consistent fueling to keep it alive, and as events drag out, the harder it becomes, to Ambessa's detriment, to find the necessary material for Caitlyn’s vengeful combustion.

The absence of Jinx from public life is key here to helping Caitlyn recover herself. Without anything to act upon she’s left to stew and introspect. Without any real leads her mind has more room for thoughts of herself, of Vi, of how far she’s fallen. There’s absolutely no pleasure or joy in her at this point, and instead she comes across as utterly miserable and lonely. So bereft is she that any scent of Jinx is seized upon ravenously, exactly like a blood starved vampire.

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Caitlyn’s whole vampire look is actually both aesthetically and narratively perfect. It beautifully ties together her obsessive traits with the classic tropes of endless longing you get with the aristocratic vampire archetype.

With both her obsessions missing she comes over all brooding and dark, full of dour yearning and hunger. That and it's my favourite look of hers in the series (S2 Act3 just a tiny smidge behind).

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So as time goes on her hatred starts to stutter, and her own moral injuries plague the mind more until the opportunity arises to finally remember what matters, who she is and why she does what she does.

In so doing she discovers that the bloodthirsty beast is just a dad who loves his kids, the monster of Jinx in her mind, just a daughter like her. Seeing them together with Vi and Isha, having spent so much time feeling alone would have an effect I think. Jinx saving her life, Jinx seeing Caitlyn come through for Vi, and by extension Vander and herself. While not an end to her antipathy, nor a sign of forgiveness, it is nonetheless the final bit of perspective Caitlyn needs to take the final steps towards letting her hate die out.

Then we have the one time (the one time!) that they truly talk to one another, that singular moment of calm in which to speak, we get an all too brief yet vital sharing of humanity and vulnerability, of regret and remorse. A quiet, exhausted end to a lot of sound and fury.

By this point I believe they understand each other far pretty well for two who have barely said a word to the other. “She can’t accept what you and I know, there are no happy endings” “no amount of good deeds can undo our crimes” it may be grasping on my part, but they do give the impression that they both share similar feelings of guilt and shame for their actions, in which Vi’s forgiveness and Ekko’s lifesaving support are ultimately what help them to reconcile those feelings and a way to forgive themselves.

And so the obsession dies, or rather, it doesn’t quite, does it?

Jinx’s arrival at the final battle is shot in such a way as to acknowledge that something certainly remains between the two. First full-face reveal has Jinx looking down, cut straight to Caitlyn looking up. That was a choice and, assuming they were looking at each other, the final glimpse they have before the end. A delicious moment with any number of potential interpretations.

Then finally post-battle, sometime after where the scars are just about starting to heal and Caitlyn is pouring over the hex gate maps for escape routes, jinx bomb fragment in hand. She and Vi share a few things in common, but here they share this particular problem with us also, with those of us for who blue next to red will forever have one true meaning.

The problem in letting go. Our girl just can’t stop, just can’t help herself. Forever Jinx’s number one fan.

In her rush to play chess with everyone, Ambessa made the critical error of making Catilyn one of her pawns, because after pushing her to the edge of the board, she became a queen.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #4 - Death, Class & Protecting those soft scarred lips.

CAIT’S HELLFIRE PURGE:

For all the apparent controversy, Caitlyn’s escapades in the undercity seem pretty essential to giving Zaun a chance at something better.

By taking out the remaining Chem-Barons and ending shimmer production, Caitlyn’s strike team effectively clears the board in terms of Zaun’s power structure, allowing Sevika to take the lead role from that point on. Without that, I’m not sure Zaun would have been able to unite as it did and ultimately it would have struggled to establish a fresh start and actually be led by someone with a genuine care for its people.

DEATH’S WITNESS:

Putting what Jinx does to Caitlyn to one side, the general amount of death Caitlyn witnesses ought not to be dismissed in terms of its effect on her. Prior to breaking Vi out of prison she likely hadn’t seen much in the way of bloodshed, yet she had to witness multiple scenes of mass slaughter. Getting blown up by Jinx’s bomb at the progress day break-in, some of the enforcers she was just talking with suddenly dead. Likewise on the bridge, getting blown up again and wounded so badly that she developed a limp even after it healed, having to wake to more dead bodies, seeing Marcus breathe his last, terrified, thinking of his daughter. Witnessing her mother’s murder, watching on helplessly as the event unfolds before her eyes in what must have been agonising slow motion. The memorial attack, the aftermath of yet more corpses, grieving children and families torn apart. Then again at the prison in the aftermath of Warwick’s attack, this time with blood smears everywhere where even the unflappable Ambessa looking at her with rare concern. She also witnessed the death of the commune, of Vander, Isha, Vi getting gravely wounded whilst she again lives on. Then at the final battle, losing so many under her command, witnessing the aftermath of it all.

When taken together, having witnessed and been involved in such events, with Cait’s own ability to recreate and relive scenes in her mind so vividly, I can’t see any way that it doesn't affect her deeply or not change her forever. How can you not be irrevocably altered from so much death, especially when you are the one tasked with putting a stop to it? I haven't the psychological expertise to try and attempt to fully articulate such trauma (and certainly not for poor Vi), but I’d like to think we're not so blind as to the potential cost of enduring such horrors.

SCAPEGOAT STATUS:

Caitlyn’s status has always felt like a slghtly odd criticism. Having been brought up in such a gated society it is highly likely for her to develop a great deal of ignorance as to the reality beyond, yet people seem to hold her to a higher moral standard at the same time. It’s an accident of birth, and whatever her ignorance, it is to a significant degree, a systematic issue, one of many years internalising, it’s not something you just shed overnight, especially given the wider societal issues. It strikes me as a lazy shorthand for creating a scapegoat when she does more than anyone to recognise the issues that have plagued the undercity and attempt to address them.

Dismantling shimmer production, taking out the Chem-Barons, trying keep the gemstone out of destructive hands, her attitude towards the men who led Zaun into the state it’s in, such as Silco and Singed. The fact that she uncovered both of their involvement in the problems with the undercity, something which the council was completely ignorant of with regards to Silco and largely dismissive of.

Sometimes people’s own prejudice or need for someone to blame blinds them to the reality of events. Caitlyn is far more merciful and restrained than given credit for, and without her influence upon Piltover post-attack, Zaun would likely be a bloodsoaked ruin, and its streets choked with the very thing Cait has seen far too many of, more dead bodies and traumatised families.

HOW DO I LOVE VI, LET ME COUNT (SOME) OF THE WAYS AS APPARENTLY THIS IS SOMEHOW STILL A QUESTION:

Forges documents to get a wrongly imprisoned Vi out of Jail. Without her Vi may never had been released.

Saves Vi’s life by taking out Sevika’s shimmer arm but doesn’t shoot to kill because mercy.

Gets Vi to safety and gives up her gun to get medicine to heal her.

Gives Huck a hug by way of compassion for what he’s suffered and helping her find a solution to Vi being hurt.

Offers herself up instead of Vi when captured by the Firelights.

Is open and honest about the gem stone, begs Ekko to help her get it back to Jayce so it can’t be weaponized by Silco/Jinx.

Tries to get between Vi and Jinx when the latter is trying to gun them down.

Withholds Jinx’s name from the council for Vi’s sake.

Tells Vi what happened to Jinx wasn’t her fault.

Gives no judgement for Vi’s guilt, simply offers her kindness and love.

Spares Jinx at Vi’s request during the tea party finale despite having been blown up, kidnapped and tortured.

Saves Vi life during the memorial attack by shooting a chem-tank blade to the side, avoiding Vi’s head.

Manages to get the invasion of Zaun called off at Vi’s asking.

Shoots Jinx’s finger off to help save Vi win the fight.

Shoots the gun from Isha to not only save Vi but spare Isha from getting blood on her hands.

As soon as they are reunited she checks for guards to make sure Vi isn’t spotted and taken captive. Protects her from getting seen.

Tells Vi why she’s here and what’s happening without prompting.

Goes against Ambessa, risks a great deal to try and help Vi save Vander.

Gets Vi to safety following the explosion, uses her resources to help save her life and uses her own bed as the place for Vi to recover.

Waits for Vi to recover before deciding on Jinx’s fate, values her voice and thoughts.

Admits her moral failures openly to Vi when confronted with it, doesn’t try to say anything to defend herself regarding her actions.

Pulls all the guards out to let Vi release Jinx and choose her own path, including leaving forever.

Offers her complete support to a distraught Vi about her choices regarding Jinx, tries to be funny, boombayah, etc. etc.

Comforts her before the final battle, checking on her wellbeing.

Checks in on Vi’s wellbeing again in the final scene, mutual head resting cute af. #softcaitvifuturepleaseimfuckingbeggingyou

A WORD ABOUT FANDOM:

For a show with so many flawed individuals, with so much struggle and pain, it does bother me a little to see people ignore Arcane’s allusions to forgiveness and acceptance and instead persist in the tiring exercise of trying to aggressively demonise, and all too often with a supercilious attitude that is at odds with wanting to have an open, healthy discussion. Perhaps it's just to get clicks, perhaps they genuinely want to be that sort of person, but in any case,  I wish more people were able to reconcile like they do in the show, honouring the better aspects of the characters they discuss.

Too often it feels like a competition to be “right”, to have the correct opinion, as if there is a one true interpretation to claim dominion over. It’s one thing to argue the facts, of what happened and what didn’t but quite another when discussing motivations, emotions and how events are valued and judged. Value judgements are, by their very nature, subjective and at the mercy of the individual and their specific personality. Yet too many people persist with the notion that there is only their view, and that their view is somehow immune from the subjectivity that is at the heart of how we respond to any form of art.

The fandom, if anything, has shown just how much the old adage is true, that the show tells us so much more about ourselves than they do about the show itself. When we talk about how amazing or terrible something was, we are ultimately talking about ourselves. But that is a good thing, and should be a conduit for learning from one another, listening to each other and finding common humanity in those moments where we were all affected so deeply.

One of the best things about Arcane is that you can come from so many different perspectives and have not only different views, but the same view despite this coming from lots of very different people, be it in terms of age, background, gender, sexuality etc. To have a unifying aspect that pulls in so many is, I think, an example of how effective it is in its storytelling and in how it portrays its characters. That shared humanity which ought to help us find more empathy and understanding for each other.

TL;DR: MY ARCANE EXPERIENCE:

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn x Violet

There are many things that can act as a gateway to memory. A sight, a smell, a sound, and while these can trigger painful emotions and recollections, they can also act as a path back to those thoughts and memories we hold most dear. And it takes something truly special to grab you from whatever state you’re currently in and drag you away to whole other time, another moment entirely, and drown you in it.

So when the first gentle plaintive keys of the ‘The Kiss’ reach my ears, something unbidden rises to seize my heart, causing it to drop and lurch as if the ground beneath it had just fallen away. Suddenly I’m back in that tunnel, watching two wounded souls try so hard to hold on to themselves and each other. Watching a simple hand rise to the cheek and feeling unable to breathe lest the spell be broken, watching Vi’s eyes dart every which way before settling on Caitlyn’s. Watching her, like a deer caught in the headlights as an avalanche of emotions wash across her face.

And in those precious seconds, not a word is spoken. And that is all it was, seconds in a love story that spanned two seasons of some of the most beautiful and impactful storytelling I’ve ever witnessed. It may seem silly, to obsess in this way, but stories are, if anything, the one thing our species ought to be proud of in a history of bloodshed and horror. They can teach us so much about each other and ourselves, they can teach us empathy, open us up to new perspectives and remind ourselves of the myriad forms of love that tether us to one another. Nearly every story we have is a love story in some form, and for all the crass and ham-fisted ways in which we celebrate it, it’s the one thing whose beauty is eternal and indestructible. As one such love story once told me, you can’t take ‘loved’ away.

Caitlyn and Vi then, another love story in a long tradition stretching as far back as our species can remember and long into the future's horizon. But why this one, why not any of the countless tales of souls becoming inextricably bound?

THE LOVERS

Firstly, it starts with the souls involved. Preaching to the choir here most likely, anyone who even vaguely understands the ‘why them’ needs to no explanation. Just looking at either is enough to create paroxysms of various emotions, so I’ll let your own degenerate imagination cover THAT aspect.

But one place to start is with what connects them, what is it that pulls each into the other’s orbit.

We can see that both fundamentally share a profound sense of responsibility to others; Vi to her family and friends, Caitlyn to the people and the city at large. They are both warriors (a fact Caitlyn discovers with time), natural fighters at their core and both think nothing of throwing themselves into danger.

But More than that they have shared values, a shared sense of right and wrong despite their relative backgrounds, shared aspirations for what the future ought to look like. Their personalities are so rare in their respective contexts that both view each other’s very existence as precious and beautiful in a world where such things ought not to exist. They find sanctuary in each other, for Vi a softness and tenderness in a world that is cruel and unfeeling, for Cait, a safe space to actually be herself, to let her heart out, and her own escape from the cage she is trapped within, from the role her name demands, from the role that society demands.

They discover a trust that endures, where even in the hardest of circumstances they are willing to believe in the other, and without each other’s help both would have died many times over. When vulnerable and unguarded, it is tenderness and understanding that is offered, rather than judgement. Theirs is a shared humanity that bridges the gap between two very different worlds.

They recognise much of these traits within each other, both wish to see the goodness of the other preserved and cared for, yet the world around them tests this to breaking point, exposing Cait’s flaws especially, forcing her to face her own capacity for cruelty and evil, and find a way to not let her sense of justice be forever corrupted into something vicious and inhumane. While for Vi life seems a tragic joke, one that seems hell bent on discovering how much suffering one good heart can take, how much despair can a soul withstand before it collapses from the agony.

Another aspect is in watching that bond develop, watching love grow, watching how events slowly shift their hearts closer. The way Vi’s early teasing of this apparently soft-touch enforcer gives way to genuine concern, the way their open-hearted personalities just click as they instinctively support one another, both guileless and straightforward, realising that the other is not too different from themselves. They’re cute and caring, duplicity and deception just aren’t really things they do.

It's also in watching that love struggle to survive, watching with agony and heartbreak as events shatter them apart. The way Cait’s mind hasn’t ever left the tea party, how she is irrevocably changed by the mounting pain of loss and violence she has been forced to confront, slowly being hollowed out by rage and anger. Vi’s turmoil in being unable to help her, having to watch it all, caught between those she loves but feeling helpless to avoid inevitable tragedy. Watching on with horror as Cait hits Vi, her precious sanctuary from life’s cruelty now the very instrument of it and then seeing a broken Vi punish herself yet again for events she isn’t responsible for.

THE WAGES OF SIN

I can’t help but recoil every time I see it, Caitlyn is my favourite character, and her flaws are a big part of why, but it is a moment that I feel I must address at this point.

Cait hitting Vi was far and away her lowest point, and act of evil in a life that had always been so full of empathy and generosity. Of all the mistakes made, it is one that hurts the most.

As an act I understand it, I can understand the why and the extraordinary context that made it possible, but it is one I don’t seek to defend as it is an act that Cait needs to remember, to accept and own up to as a cruelty Vi did not ever deserve, an act that should shame her. That Vi chooses to ultimately forgive, is a choice for Vi alone to make. Vi gives her a second chance in the end, still wants her in her life, believes in her still, and Cait to her credit does everything from the moment they meet at the commune to be there for her, regardless of whether Vi chooses to stay or leave forever.

Cait was willing to let her go, to give everything to allow her beloved to have the chance at escaping to a new life, believing, I think, that she is unworthy of her love after all she’d done. I got the impression that she had given up on the idea, that she had accepted her role in ruining that chance with her mistakes, and it’s only when Vi shows her exactly how predictable she’s become does Cait actually start to believe in them being together, hence the panicked need to confess about Maddie before being able to let herself get lost in the moment.

The fact is Vi understands Cait better than anyone, she sees her for who she truly is and clearly knew what it would mean for Cait to betray Ambessa and to support her in letting Jinx go. To risk everything for someone she has never met, to all but forgive her mother’s killer, to be there for her without question, the instinct to step in and the trust needed between them to make it work.

I think that perhaps that’s what made the difference for Vi. After everything that had happened, she may well have thought that the Cait she fell in love with had truly died, that she had become lost to her hate and irredeemably poisoned by Ambessa’s influence. To let Cait take her in but also entrust Jinx with ensuring Cait didn’t betray her tells us enough about Vi’s trust. She wants to believe, but quite rightly can’t be sure. So, to have her follow through and be there for her at that point, to protect her during the battle, save her life following it, all these events must have brought a sense of relief to Vi, knowing that the most precious part of her cupcake hasn’t changed at all, that her continued affection and belief was ultimately vindicated (Hehe, Vindi-Cait-ed).

So then there is thankfully the joy of watching their love survive to the end. Seeing Cait shed her hatred and become the best version of herself, letting her love for Vi lead the way wherever it may lead. Having Vi finally choose for herself, to begin the process of letting go, to no longer having to feel guilty for putting her own desires first. For the two of them to have each other in a world that is all too ready to take.

“Are you still in this fight, Violet?” Of course, Caitlyn would phrase it like that. For Vi, life has always been one, one that has all but taken everything from her. To still be there, to still live open hearted after a lifetime of suffering, is one of Arcane’s true miracles. Who better than another scarred warrior, one who has had to learn fast of the cost of violence and the price loss can exact upon the soul, to understand her, and to be there for when the desire to keep going might falter. For both there is finally a chance to rest, to heal and grow happy together. Caitlyn, now more than ever, needing to be the rock upon which Vi can rest and rely.

LOVE'S TRUE LANGUAGE

Lastly we come to what is for me the true highlight and genius of their relationship. I have never encountered such a brilliant use non-verbal communication in a relationship like this before, one that conveys so much from apparently so little. At times it is almost animalistic in how they interact with one another, as if words are a distant second language to that of simply existing within the other’s presence.

The contact, all the little touches and gestures that speak of such affection and care towards the other. The hand holding, the touches to the cheek and neck, the nuzzling, it’s an underrated art in most shows, but Arcane is, as we know, very much a champion of visual storytelling, so it’s entirely appropriate that such a significant relationship would be so heavily based around how the characters look and move, rather than simply by the words they say. Plus, after having been betrayed by words before, maybe it’s all the more perfect that they don’t rely on them to say what they feel.

But then there are the eyes, oh sweetest earth mother, the eyes. Cait’s ocular ocean of sad cerulean and Vi’s sweet, puppy-like pearls of powder blue. The way they move, the way they shine and soften in each other’s sight. Words, they have such primacy as our language and yet they often they feel unworthy for the feelings we try to give voice to, fit only for making bears dance when they ought to bring the stars to tears.

What need is there to tell another that you love them when you can express it all with just a look, a touch. Theirs is a love that is profound in how often it strips away all the noise we as a species have made of the idea of romance and affection and instead reminds us of its purest magic. Two hearts drawing ever closer together in silence, as if by some unseen force, maybe this is what we call fate.

Take your pick as to the moment; Stillwater, the brothel, Vi’s old home, amongst the Firelights, the bridge, the bed, the finale, Cait’s grief, the memorial attack, the tunnel, the fight with Jinx, the breakup, the reunion, the jail cell, the final battle plan, in all of these the body speaks so much more than any number of words ever could. In their faces we see their hearts, and the soul feels forever marked by the pain and the beauty of each moment shared.

*Some interesting framing with the ancestral painting behind them.

-A note on Cait's in S2 Act1: After the memorial massacre, we see Caitlyn looking over at a weeping child being carried away by an enforcer. Earlier in the episode we see that child with her mother. Given the time after the attack, one can only assume her mother is most likely dead. In that moment Caitlyn has to see a little girl orphaned in front of her eyes. Another child losing a parent, another daughter without her mother, murdered at a memorial to her own... and people wonder why she gets so enraged.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn & Ambessa - Warriors of the mind

Given how much progress Caitlyn makes from her Noxian training under Ambessa, the idea of a fully indoctrinated Caitlyn with many years of experience would have been a terrifying prospect for her enemies. If she and a handful of enforcers can turn the undercity upside down before coming under Ambessa’s influence, then one wonders as to her potential power if truly unleashed as part of a Noxian army. A part of me wishes to have seen that, pretty sure Ambessa did, having spent enough time with her. And the idea of a tragic, final Agni-Kai style showdown between Vi and a turned Caitlyn would have been quite the scene.

But we know enough at this point to say that Ambessa’s hopes were something of a doomed experiment to start with, having, not unlike quite a few people, misunderstood who exactly Caitlyn is. Not a hard thing to do at the time with someone so full of hatred and venom, who’s heart appears to have all but been closed off. But Cait’s nature is pretty clear once you start to see how the two compare and contrast.

Not that there wasn’t an appeal to embracing Ambessa’s teachings and long term hopes for her. Caitlyn’s rejection of her family legacy suggests someone that wants to forge a path wholly her own, not simply given one ready made by an accident of her birth. The idea that Ambessa Medarda, someone who had to fight and bleed for everything she’s ever had, would find potential in you, would make most people want to listen to what she has to say.

But of course she did listen, we know this from S2E4 when Cait is explaining what she’s learnt to Maddie and when she allows for the captured Jinxer to be tortured for information. We also know this from her actual physical training in S2E6 and her learning of the Noxian principles and in the absence of any real idea as to her feelings on Vi during this period, we are left with questions as to whether the best of Cait has been forever lost to us.

A MATTER OF MORALS:

Thankfully there are three key points that clearly show the vast distance between them in terms of values; The checkpoint violence, Singed, and Warwick/Vander. In each of these 3 cases, the two of them have wildly different reactions that speak to their respective values and point to exactly why Caitlyn cannot be turned.

The Checkpoint: The difference is obvious, Ambessa views it as an opportunity, a chance to get after Jinx but Caitlyn views in the first instance as a transgression and we get an insight into her sense of justice. Caitlyn clearly still wants Jinx but is reluctant to start using violence on random people to make progress.

Singed: Ambessa wants the beast for herself, wants Singed’s expertise for herself, doesn’t really care about his daughter issue beyond the potential of a death cure. Caitlyn straight up wants to ice him for creating shimmer, for everything her and its creation had done, which incidentially was mostly done to Zaun and it's citizens.

Warwick/Vander: Ambessa wants his power, doesn’t care about who he was. Caitlyn wants to stop him from causing further harm, and when she learns who he was/is, swings into action to help without question.

A MATTER OF TIME:

Time was another of Ambessa’s greatest challenges here. The Caitlyn she picked, the Caitlyn consumed by anger and hate, ultimately cannot last, and as things drift on without resolution the harder it’s going to get as Commander Mongoose slowly rediscovers her better nature. The personal maniplations and stoking of the fire to get her to agree to the torture is the obvious sign of her needing to intervene directly to keep Cait on the path.

The other issue with time is that she continues to be without Mel. Family is everything and yet she must spend many fruitless months chasing ghosts and trying to keep her puppet nice and angry. Only, this puppet happens to be young woman still dealing with loss of her mother. Not only that but one that is highly intelligent, fearless and made of the kind of iron resolve she values.

Whilst it likely was never a thought at the beginning of their time together, the longer they spend working and training alongside each other, it’s hard to imagine that Ambessa never considered that Caitlyn might be more than just a simple puppet. True ally/convert? It seems likely, adoptive daughter? Harder to argue but there are a few moments in S2E6 that show clearly the connection she makes with Caitlyn.

The first is obvious, ‘we are kin’, understanding sacrifice as others cannot. It could be countered that this is another attempt at manipulation; present yourself as mother, mentor, the guidance needed in times of uncertainty. But at the end of the same episode, when Ambessa sees the extent of Caitlyn’s ‘betrayal’. The face she produces in that moment is one we almost never see, one of genuine shock and disappointment before slipping into rage and fury. It is the face of someone who didn't believe that they would be betrayed.

It's not clear who Caitlyn ultimately was to Ambessa, who she imagined she could be, but it is more than a simple puppet or ally of convenience. Her little chat with Vi suggests integration into her army at some point. Adoptive daughter is much more of a reach, but there are enough hints that her familial affections had begun to bleed out towards her.

As such there is an argument that perhaps she begins to lose focus in terms of her manipulations the more time passes, beginning to actually believe in Cait and to trust her in a way Caitlyn clear doesn’t trust her, making the ruse and any other plans of betrayal more likely to succeed.

A MATTER OF THE HEART:

Then of course, there’s Vi and what the idea of love means to both of them.

Ambessa’s love is that of family, and family alone. She makes the mistake in assuming that it's the same for Cait, so when Vi turns up ‘captured’, she is unlikely to believe it to be a ruse given what she knows of her. The reason being that if Maddie had indeed been a spy from the beginning, informing Ambessa of Caitlyn’s thoughts and feelings then it would stand to reason that she would have reported Cait’s emotional distance, her lack of warmth and affection. We see in season one that Ambessa has quite a casual affair with idea of love and doesn’t really seem to value it beyond the physical pleasures. As such, given the emotional distance being reported on by Maddie, Ambessa may well have assumed that Caitlyn is like her, not interested in intimate, romantic love, but rather just views it as a disposable pleasure, and that family is what truly matters to her.

But of course, despite the truth of Cait's familial love that set her on this dark path, Caitlyn most assuredly does believe in romantic love and values it a great deal. With Vi, her love for her, her desire to protect her, is deeply personal and so rooted in her mind so as to be a pathology worthy of independent study. Whether she ever believed they could still be together again or not, Cait comes out swinging for the fences in S2E6 onwards, choosing to do what she always should have done, and put Vi's needs first. In doing so, she drives the final wedge between herself and Ambessa.

---

As such it was never likely to be anything other than a temporary arrangement between the Sheriff of Piltover and the Noxian Warlord, one that was destined for conflict as soon as they took each other's hand. In the end Caitlyn simply wasn't who Ambessa wanted or needed in her search for weapons and monsters.

She had perhaps sought to take her grief and her hatred and make her own monster out of it, but as the young Kiramman understands, being possessed of a monstrous nature does not itself make you a monster, and that forgiving and trusting in tomorrow includes not only others, but yourself.

I really hope we see Cait again, and as someone with monocular vision, I want to see her knock her drink all over her paperwork, that way I'll feel truly seen. Depth perception yay! \o/

I'm always slightly worried whenever Vi drops her gauntlets because I swear one day they're going to drop on her feet and she's going to hurt herself.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #3 - Failure

Following on directly from the idea of resolve and determination is the sense of profound failure that Cait must have felt, watching helplessly as Jinx's rocket destroys her family. Mother, dead. Father, lost to sorrow, in no position to offer the support his daughter desperately needs, instead she is left to bear the burden of a legacy she never wanted or felt she deserved. 

She understood better than anyone what could happen should the hex gem be weaponised, and having to watch as Jinx uses it to kill her own mother would just have been the most awful confirmation of her fears. Not only the death, the loss of Zaun's potential independence as a result of the vote, but the inevitable retribution that would keep the cycle of violence ongoing, possibly forever had events not turned out as they did.

She knew it, she states as such to Ekko, she always knew of what could happen, and her failure to stop it would have cut deep into her mind. All that effort to uncover what was going on, all that she went through with Vi, and she ultimately accomplished nothing other than to get her mother killed and doom a people to further violence and pain.

It would then make sense as to why she'd be so driven, so utterly desperate to find and kill Jinx; she is symbolic of her failures and her pain, and so long as she is out there, Caitlyn Kiramman is a failure. Unable to save her mother, her city, her people, her only redemption to put an end to what she let happen. But as her options for doing so diminish with each failure, such as a strike team mission, she has to further debase herself to try and reach that goal. 

When Vi stops her from taking that all important shot, I begin to understand the sense of wounded betrayal and anger. In that moment, in Caitlyn's mind at least, all the chaos could have been ended there and then, she could have avenged her mother and gone back to keep Piltover from further aggression, but instead it's another wretched failure, another option lost to her. Now there is little of hope of stopping events from escalating further.

Of course, then Ambessa has her in her sights, quite literally. An incredible scene, the capstone in Caitlyn's fall, watching Ambessa stare directly at her, holding her gaze without blinking, watching the city turn to her as one, to answer the call, she is helpless to resist it.

At first you can see the panic, the possible sense of unworthiness at how they could possibly look to her, the failure, for leadership. But then, the realisation that here is another oppertunity to set things right, the great Ambessa Medarda is calling you out, all the houses are there, all in assent, even young Maddie looks to you with doe-eyed admiration.

Another chance, one that will forever taint you, forever stain your soul perhaps, but another chance all the same. All you need do, child, is step forward and grasp it.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #2 - Determination/Death Wish

So I wanted to take a look at Cait's mentality, specifically her natural resolve as it's something that is serverly tested throughout both seasons and yet survives pretty much whole.

Despite a sheltered upbringing, one that would seem likely to make a person emotionally naïve or brittle, our girl finds the strength to keep going in every circumstance. But after looking though several instances across the show, I’m left with the overwhelming impression that not unlike Jinx, some part of Caitlyn Kiramman wants to die.

At first, I had considered it simply a lack of survival instinct owing to her upbringing perhaps, a naivety born of nothing to really challenge her worldview or impression of how things work in the world. But as the show moves on it starts to worryingly look like an unconscious desire to end herself.

Jayce’s line in S1E4 about the value of a little risk might have left more of an impression on the young Cait than initially thought. She clearly understands the notion of risk, of danger (hell, she cautions Ambessa about it) but it never seems to be much of a consideration when she herself acts.

After the initial near-death experience in S1E4 Jayce asks the obvious question “shouldn’t you be resting?” and of course she isn’t. Cait doesn’t rest, she’s back on the case, only this time seemingly more determined than ever. She almost died, got wounded and lost consciousness but it does absolutely nothing to dent her enthusiasm or willpower. If anything, it only enhances it by giving her a lead she can follow.

She takes off alone without telling anyone, fakes release forms to get Vi out of prison and so begins the feeling that there is an underlying pathology at work here that just isn’t typical at all. Who does this? Why take that level of risk and put yourself in such potential danger, especially as no one knows where you are?

Getting down to the undercity? No problem, can’t really navigate the way down well, probably could have died there but she does not hesitate to risk it. The brothel scene is one of the few moments she gets genuinely distracted but if there’s one thing our Cait loves most it’s women, the existential apex of all her physiological and psychological needs.

Hunted by Silco’s goons? Doesn’t panic, trades her gun to save Vi’s life. Taken by Firelights? she’s willing to trade herself for Vi. Jinx tries to gun her down on the bridge, she tries to shield Vi (an vice versa) before being pushed away. Yet more risks taken, her own mortality seemingly of little value to herself when it comes to the brutal arithmetic of life and death.

Even at the height of her grief and guilt she’s looking to move forward, to keep going and rush back into danger. When she collapses into Vi’s arms in S2E1 it doesn’t take long for her composure to return. The fact that she was willing to go with the initial invasion force herself instead of being stood down or kept away for her own sanity seems crazy in retrospect.

Then in the memorial battle, with a raging Chem-tank baring down she just stands there, no fear, just immaculate shot after immaculate shot as her demise draws inevitably closer. Vi’s line about being sure she was going to get herself killed can’t have been an idle one given what took place.

The list goes on and on in this way, the entire strike team mission has her in complete tunnel vision and Nyx some time ago actually raised the point about suicidal Cait being a thing when both her and Vi get blown back through the tunnels.

Then we have her ascent to power, the many months chasing Jinx, there’s no let up at all, she just always drives forward, all the while contending with her own mind and morals. The weight of an entire city, countless lives in her hands, at her mercy. In this she’s a picture of focus and resolve still, you see it in her eyes, in the line of her mouth, the tone of voice.

Of course, we see a lot of this in the final battle. It’s not clear whether Cait truly believes that she and Mel can win or not (could be another death wish moment, as could the execution possibly given that her face when Mel intervenes seems more of surprise than relief that she’s not dead), but in any case she gets brutalised throughout but keeps going and going where you can see the beads of sweat flying off her as the confrontation reaches its peak. Then we have the eye loss, an insane move requiring her to pull out the punch dagger that’s been twisting her insides, use it with enough accuracy and speed to cut off Ambessa’s runes, all the while having her eye ripped out. I don’t think people quite appreciate how mental that is and how much pain it must have caused her to do that. She doesn’t even scream, or wail, she just sits there slumped in apparent defeat, presumably hoping the sacrifice was worth it.

And lastly, after the final battle. Her mother gone, her father presumably lost to grief and heartbreak. Jayce, her brother and sole confidant for so many years, also lost to her now. Even Vi, despite being at a point emotionally where she feels safe enough to rest without her bandages, looks extremely fragile.

Yet Cait’s back at it again, looking over the blueprints, contemplating Jinx’s escape, remaining so resolute and composed. It’s also funny to note how she has as many, if not more, scars on her face than Vi at this point.

Simply put, this isn’t at all normal behaviour to me. There is something going on with her mind that someone far smarter than I can understand and explain. The drive and force of will she displays is extraordinary, where the same events and burdens would completely undo another mind.

But the fact is that Caitlyn is never truly undone, never breaks down, or ever truly stops. She suffers, is physically and emotionally altered by events, but she endures, comes back again and again and again, stronger and stronger as she comes into her power as both leader and warrior. She doesn’t possess any magic or other enhancements, she’s put in the work to be what she is, and what she is absolutely will. not. stop.

And to think deep down all she ever actually wanted for herself was to go home with the cute girl.

[armagideontheninth]

Caitlyn Kiramman #1 - Acceptance

One of my favourite aspects of Caitlyn’s arc, and the most relatable personally, is that of acceptance, specifically of oneself. The way she goes to war with herself, the way she loses many a battle in the struggle but finds the way to win in the end is something that I hope I’m able to manage with myself before it’s all over.

It seems to me that part of having a conscience and a good heart (something that appears to be rarer than I had imagined from the world we’re witnessing right now) is that you are much more sensitive to your own failures. Your mistakes and shame feel so much more potent in that they sit so wrong against everything you believe in. Yet what do you do when no option seems right, when anything you choose will ultimately hurt someone, when you are faced with events you can’t stop, where your only hope is to try and stand in way of it, taking the moral injury so that others can be spared the emotional cost of betraying themselves openly.

Being able to look at oneself critically is one thing, it’s another to be able to reconcile that terrible knowledge and not get trapped in a cycle of self-hatred and loathing that not just poisons you, but affects those around you. When Cait talks to Jinx in the cell, she does so with the understanding that such thinking is ultimately self-destructive and drains you of that precious life and energy that could be used on something else, or someone else, someone who paid the price for that hatred, who always deserved so much better than that.

Caitlyn often shows herself to be one of the wiser characters in this respect, as not only does she manage to wrestle with, and ultimately reconcile with the darker aspects of her nature, but she does so from within herself. There’s no one around telling her she did wrong, pointing out everything and demanding that she change her ways, she rather simply comes to understand what she’s done, what it’s doing to her, and the road it can lead down if she lets it. Like much of her story it’s a very human way to deal with it and perhaps goes under the radar in that there isn’t any bombast to it. She’s a character that doesn’t really get a big, finest hour kind of moment, yet her victories are no less important, for what they may lack in grandeur, they make up for in their quiet profundity.