armofrobot

[armofrobot]

ok time to lock the fuck in *opens discord* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens tumblr* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens gmail* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens youtube* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens an unstable vortex in time and space* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens ao3* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens discord* ok time to lock the fuck in *opens tumblr*

[armofrobot]

Imagine if you will a big and large dog. Your not making it big enough in your mind. Okay now it's good. Picture its favorite food is berries and salmon. You want to pet it, don't you? Well don't. What you've just invented is a bear. And you're under arrest for inventing the bear.

[armofrobot]

if i was a vampire i would hang up a bunch of pictures in my house but for some reason inexplicably one wall of pictures would have them all hung sideways and then whenever the rando i’ve lured into my Vampire House looks at them they’ll instinctively tilt their head to one side to look at the pictures thus leaving their neck wide open for Vampire Shenanigans to ensue. step one of making this plan happen is becoming a vampire. if you’re a vampire i’ll totally let you have my very good idea but in exchange you gotta make me a vampire also, no take backsies

[armofrobot]

There’s a theory that early Europeans started saying “brown one” or “honey-eater” instead of “bear” to avoid summoning them, and similarly my friend has started calling Alexa “the faceless woman” because saying her true name awakens her from her slumber

English has an avoidance register used in the presence of certain respected animals, which sounds fancy until you realize it’s spelling out w-a-l-k and t-r-e-a-t in front of the dog.

Mx. Leah Velleman on twitter

[armofrobot]

your unreliable narrator fucking bit me

[armofrobot]

Dolev Elron

[armofrobot]

this is the single worst way i've ever read to describe an erection, frank herbert

[armofrobot]

i’m sick and tired of people pretending that burger isn’t delicious just to clown on americans. america deserves the ridicule, but why’s burger catching strays? burger did nothing wrong

[armofrobot]

runs into a cave and breaks my ankle but theres already another guy with a broken ankle inthere so its really awkward

[armofrobot]

love when my internet gets bad and im just scrolling the dash looking at the diagonal gradients

[armofrobot]

why is bass so expensiveeeeee

[armofrobot]

[armofrobot]

twitter is hell but i really hope it doesn’t actually die because this is in contention for the funniest thing i’ve ever read in my life

[armofrobot]

[armofrobot]

me when I go out wearing an outfit I wouldn’t usually wear: oh my god everyone knows this is an outfit I wouldn’t usually wear I’m so embarrassed