aroacevibes-07

[aroacevibes-07]

My mother: I’m just saying don’t close any door yet!

Me, an aegosexual/aromantic: I’m not saying the doors closed I’m saying it’s not there in the first place

[aroacevibes-07]

I feel like people struggle to understand that my life as an aorace person is not centered around an absence of relationships. There is no romance shaped void that I am trying to live with, or live around, or which my life's purpose is to fill somehow.

I go to university and I go to work and I volunteer in my community and in the in-between moments I drink tea with my friends and I plant tomatoes on my balcony and there is no need for anything else. There is no room for anything else anyway.

When I am asked how I deal with 'the hole in my life' or what I do with 'all my free time', I know these questions are not about me at all. They are a reflection of the person asking.

[aroacevibes-07]

you say lust is evil and a sin until someone is asexual and suddenly sex is natural and makes us human

[aroacevibes-07]

My good people, I give you: Amatonormativity.

[aroacevibes-07]

Every so often you see some aroallo* on here saying that the aro and ace communities should be separate and I just. Have you never actually talked to an asexual? Have you never had a single conversation with one about your aspec identities?

Like, obviously there's the fact that so many people are aroace and so the two communities would still have a lot of overlap no matter what, but even if you're talking about people who are just asexual, we both say and feel the same exact things, just about romance instead of sex. Honestly sometimes it feels like I have more in common with alloaces than aroaces because we both have the same central frustration of "why the hell has society decided that these two things have to go together? Why is only wanting one such a hard concept?" They understand the struggle of how hard it is to find people who are willing to do one thing with you but don't expect you to do the other.

Like, I have had a conversation before with someone who was like "I know this is going to sound super weird, especially from someone who is ace" and I got to say "oh my god, no, not only is that not weird, I've done the exact same thing before but with romance." That's so cool! It's great that we can do that!

Whether you're aro, ace, another aspec identity (because let's not forget about atertiaries), or some combination of those, we all share the same frustration of "why is all media so obsessed with this one thing?" We all can't easily explain our identities to other people. We literally feel the exact same ways, just about different things. The aspec experience is the same across all identities, it's just in different fonts.

Saying we should be separate is like saying that lesbians and gay people shouldn't be in the same community, because lesbians know nothing about attraction to men and gay people know nothing about attraction to women. People have said that too, and I hope you all know how ridiculous that is. It's ignoring the common ground of being attracted to the same gender instead of the one you're supposed to be attracted to, and it's also ignoring how much defining those identities as not liking men/women is going to alienate the bi/pan/etc people who also share most of the same experiences.

Anyway. Hi aces. You are very cool. If anyone doesn't want you sitting with me, I'll make them leave instead.

*(Full disclosure that I'm sure there are aces who say this too, I just don't see it because I don't follow ace tags)

[aroacevibes-07]

Honestly, I am pretty frustrated by the "haha why would anyone hate ace people" responses to Rowling's tweet.

Don't get me wrong, the support is nice. But if you want to be an ally, you have to do so on our terms, not yours. And that means actually engaging with the aspec community, not just posting positivity every now and again. And what those responses highlight to me is what I've known for a while; you guys only support aspec people when it's easy and convenient.

It's easy to support aspec people when it's J.K. Rowling being awful again. It's easy to support us when it's just reblogging an "aspec people are queer" post.

But what about when we are talking about amatonormativity and the relationship hierarchy? When we are discussing the enforcement of compulsory sexuality? When we are pushing for greater awareness and support for aspec identities that are not asexuality or aromanticism? When we are criticizing terminology that you use but harms us? Because I can tell you right now, I rarely see allo people engage with those posts.

Why do people hate asexuality (or any other aspec identity)? Because it challenges the societal norms that benefit them. And that is uncomfortable and scary. So they turn to hate and oppression in order to assure that the changes we push by just openly existing never happen.

That means that to be a good aspec ally, you can't just make a positivity post every now and again, and you can't just laugh about how stupid aphobes are. You have to openly challenge the societal norms that harm us, even if they benefit you. Including but not limited to:

The idea that romantic and sexual attraction is the default state of being (amatonormativity)

The idea that a romantic, sexual relationship completes a person

People in marriages receiving special privileges and benefits

The idea that platonic, familial, etc. attraction are default states of being

The idea that not feeling some form of attraction must be compensated for through another form of attraction

The idea that love (not just romantic) is inherently morally good, while not feeling love is inherently a moral failing

The idea that any one form of relationship is inherently more important or deeper than any other (relationship hierarchy)

The idea that any one thing makes someone human

The idea that not having sex is shameful or infantile

The idea that having sex without romantic love is callous

Gendered divides of sexual and romantic attraction

Other aspec people please feel free to add on/challenge any of this. Allo (not aspec) people please feel free to ask questions.

I've placed some resources for learning more about these topics under the cut.

Amatonormativity:

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5 - also in the Loveless section] [6 - also in the Compulsory Sexuality section]

Marriage Benefits:

[1]

Other Aspec Identities:

[Aplatonicism] [Afamilialism]

Loveless:

[1] [2 - also in the Amatonormativity section] [3] [4] [5]

Compulsory Sexuality:

[1 - also in the Amatonormativity section] [2]

Relationship Hierarchy vs Relationship Anarchy:

[1] [2] [3]

Oppression:

[1] [2] [3]

Miscellaneous:

[1] [2]

Books and Video Essays:

An Ace Discourse Retrospective by Jenny Geist

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown

[aroacevibes-07]

Probably what bothers me the most in media is how being 'just friends' is seen as something bad, something nobody wants. The classic downtrodden expression of 'we're just friends,' like it's a failure. Why is friendship seen as a step, not a final goal? Why can't we see deep friendships between people on TV and not have it portrayed as 'not enough'? There are so many types of love, man, and every single one of those is enough.

Edit: Since this is getting a lot of attention, I just want to clarify I'm annoyed at how, traditionally, romantic relationships are seen as the 'final step' and friendships/platonic relationships are seen as the lesser option. Friendship is never the lesser option.

[aroacevibes-07]

Contrary to the idea that aromantic people are broken I actually feel more whole because of my aromanticism. I mean if your significant other is supposed to be your "other half" and I'm not wired to fall in love with anyone then that basically means I'm a fully complete person on my own

[aroacevibes-07]

Having aesthetic attraction to a character without a trace of any romantic or sexual feelings attached is so strange

It's like there's a guy (gn) on my screen. I like how he looks and the way he moves. I don't want to have sex with him, I don't imagine myself dating him or something of that sort. There's no physical reaction at all.

But there's this ephemeral urge to, I don't know, simultaneously gnaw on him like a bone, study him under a microscope, encase him in chrome and put in my living room, and watch him do the same gesture that ticked me on a loop for approximately three million times?

Does that make sense??

[aroacevibes-07]

Yikes

[aroacevibes-07]

When I was younger my mom always told me to respect my boundaries and do things in my own pace regarding relationships, kissing and sex. She told me that I never had to do anything I wasn’t ready for.

What she didn’t tell me, and what I want to tell all of you, is that it is okay if you are never ready for those things. They are not milestones you have to reach in your life. Do things only if you want to. And if that’s never, it’s never.

[aroacevibes-07]

this is by far the best explanation of how asexuality and sexual attraction works

[aroacevibes-07]

People deciding that their aspec friend is THE romance guru in the friend group appears to be some sorta universal experience.

Honestly, most of the time I just wanna shake them and shout "why do you BOTHER with this?!" Their life would be so much easier without all that romance and sex crap.

Look at me. My guitar won't cheat on me. Neither will my comics.

[aroacevibes-07]

One thing that I hate about being aroace is when u tell people I'm not straight they automatically assume I'm gay

[aroacevibes-07]

Is there a gender for just feeling like... you ?

Like, everyone's unique* (as hell), and you can't tell me you can categorise and fit billions of different individuals* into little boxes labelled "male", "female", ... (*forcing uniqueness and individuality into standardised little boxes seems controversial to me?!)

I don't feel male. I don't feel female. I feel like me. And nothing like these narrow stigmatised boxes will ever be able to describe feeling like... well, "me".

I'm not a man. I'm not a woman. I'm just... me. (well, maybe "just" isn't the right word because I think your uniqueness and individuality go beyond mere gender labels and boxes)

(btw this is just me venting (don't mind me) and i'm by no means intending to offend people who identify with any of the labels explicitly and/or indirectly mentioned above <2)

[aroacevibes-07]

Can I just say that aromantic/asexual people are some of the most loving I’ve ever met? Like they’ll tell you they love you because they’re not worried about “being too obvious” because there’s nothing to be obvious about.

They spread positivity like no one else. I’ve done it too, where I’ve told everyone in the friend group that I love them, and it made them feel so happy to hear it and not have it mean something else.

I love you. As simple as that.

When I tell you I love you, I mean it, but it doesn’t mean I want romance. It means I love you.

[aroacevibes-07]

I think people who consider aromanticism as "basically straight" underestimate how noticeable absence can be to those around you.

Whether you're a kid in school with classmates who won't take "no one" as an answer to who you have a crush on or an adult whose coworkers have picked up on the fact that you've never mentioned a romantic partner; after enough time, a lack or insufficient amount of romantic interest will raise the antennae of friends, family, coworkers, etc... They will notice and they will speculate and they will ask.

It is impossible to meet the societal bar for straightness through inaction.