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Moms will just say the most hurtful shit off the cuff randomly like you'd need to get me to sit down for a whole day to formulate something as mean and they'll just do that shit off the dome

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I dont know how much more I can take of this, I cant fucking do this I can't I cant I'm sorry everyone I've bothered with all my bullshit but who else can I tell? who do I have? I cant take dealing with her anymore, I want out so bad. please.

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I think it's time to make a proper update. I've gotten introduced to alot of online friends recently and it's been helping with me not going insane out of loneliness over the summer. Though, I'm clinging a little too desperately to them since they're all I really have other than Em. I'm starting to give up on Vi, i don't think she loves me anymore and most the time ignores me. Trying to make plans to see Em but it's hard.

One of my online friends showed us a new media but then my mom got really bad again. It's all blurring together now but it's been weeks and she almost gets normal for a day but them it goes bad again. It's still not over and I dont know when it will be. Mom broke the car and lost her job (not in that order) and the apartment is a mess.

I've tried hurting myself and even stole that knife and hid it in my room but apparently I've lost my touch because I've barely bled.

I don't know how I feel, I'm not going to die but I want things to just be normal. Please.

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I'm stuck. My mom has been fucked up for weeks now and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being tormented.

I keep trying to hurt myself but I'm too shit to even do that right. I've been watching old youtube videos I made with friends and just generally thinking about my old self. I don't know what to think other than that I was always fucked in the head.

I feel lost.

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Im tired of this, im so tired i want it all to STOP i want it to be OVER

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I dont want to worry any of my friends, but I need to tell someone. so I'm putting this here.

it's been a long time since I cut myself, which is good. I'm glad I'm starting to get over this. but I hurt myself again tonight. it's bad, the biggest wound I've given myself. it surprised me and freaked me out. I spent like 7 minutes holding paper towel to it while struggling to get bandaids (I had more than one). I hope it doesnt bled through.

I stayed up too late, whenever I do I work myself into a werid headspace. obsessing over the awful things I think about. i think about hurting others (even if its fictional characters it's still bad and detailed). I feel crazy. usually I just tire myself out and draw werid stuff but today I grabbed the good knife.

I would tell Violet but I was just hanging out with her today and I dont want her to think its cause of her. it's not. I just worked myself back into my insanity and took it out on myself.

I'm sorry.

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school has been happeing for around 4 weeks now. things havent gotten better for me, not really. I still feel perpetually lonely. Lake is around more than Vi for me anymore it seems. guess it doesn't help we have no classes together, but she never really comes to see me in between hours or on the bus or anything. most of our communication has been messaging still. but shes barely online.

as per usual my rage is fueled even more by school. I dont think I'll end up killing anyone anymore but god do I want to. moms been okay I think.

the last few weeks I've been sick and it suddenly got worse but randomly I feel alot better as of writing this. was hoping to skip school tomorrow.

my memory is blurry so I dont really have anything to say. just thought I should check in more often, y'know?

I dont feel right in my body, nothing I do to fix it helps, in my head my voice sounds different but nobody seems to pick up on anything. I'm so, so angry but theres nothing I can do. I don't even have the motivation to hurt myself anymore. maybe that's a good thing. when I remember myself from even a few years ago it doesnt seem like me.

that's all I guess. if I think of something to say I'll update later.

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it's been awhile since a full check in I think. theres alot to update on but I dont really remember most of it. its summer now. july to be specific.

I'm lonely again. oh, so terribly lonely. but when I do talk to people it just causes me anger. isnt that ironic? my computer broke for awhile. costed like 300 dollars to get it fixed. chrome still wont work so I moved to firefox.

I made a twitter account for my fucking lps YouTube channel. but that place is like, incredibly toxic and the group of people I was mutals with turned on me for joking about bad fanfictions cause I hate them and their creators. nevermind that at least some of the people that turned on me are downright hypocrites. they're all kids. I feel bad for them. growing up like that. they might end up worse than me.

Violet isnt very active, she hasnt been talking to me much but she told me its because of summer school and driver's training. wouldnt it be fun if she hit me with her car so I could end up like simon?

speaking of which, I re-read and old fic me and her used to like. it was... bad. it was very uncomfortable looking at it now. but it made me realize how I think me n Vi just like... ended up absorbing simon and david into our personalities and relationship, specifically the ones from these fics, and that's why we fought alot. I know c/ o/f is why I started cutting I think. to some degree I was obsessed with trying to be simon. it's how I even learned to start cutting. ironically writing these journal entry things makes me ever so slightly more like simon. will I have to fight my shadow self in the future?

jonesy is getting more.. bothersome. it's like he desperately wants to be friends with me again. but I can tell hes copying me from back then. I can see it in how he dresses and in his mannerisms. I'm scared to tell him to back off, I dont know what he'll do. I don't want him to have power over me.

not sure when this happened at this point. my life is a blur, but my mom tried to kill herself awhile ago. she went into the mental wing of the hospital for a week. I was alone and scared. I'm not sure shes any better now.

I'm scared of what traumatic event awaits me next. I'll try not to die, but the lonelier I get the more I want to off myself. I'm scared of myself and I hate my own reflection and I hate my body and I hate my mind and I hate the world around me and I hate the ones I love though I feel guilty for it. I hate my friends but I love them. I cant forgive anyone for anything cause I dont know how it builds up in me until all I have left is anger and hate but no memory of why I feel that way but I cant make it go away. I love you violet but I dont know what love is and all I know is my blood pooling out of wounds and the pain and the hate and anger it's all I feel and I feel sick just thinking about anything.

I don't want to live but I don't want to die.

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I hate twitter it's the worst app

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One Fateful Night - full comic

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@plushmon - a very belated Birthday gift and something I’ve wanted to make for a while! It’s been amazing seeing your OCs and their stories evolve and you know I’m always up for another visit to those worlds!

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Sam Brooks (new and improved)

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whoopsie

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you've killed so many fucking, INNOCENT people, man.

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once a girl reported me to an administrator at school bc i was breaking dresscode and she didnt like me. so i pushed her down the stairs. i just kept walking and i dont think she saw me and i never got caught. i know she got very seriously injured and they had to call an ambulance and she transferred schools bc she knew SOMEONE pushed her and she didnt feel safe. ive never regretted it. its been years since i graduated and im on mood stabilizers now, but sometimes when someone is testing my patience i calm myself down by thinking about how good it felt to snap once and how i cant do that again bc i would go to prison probably

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god fucking help me please god let this be over with soon please I'm begging you