askjesse

[askjesse]

Don't take this as a compliment, but I think you're about fifty years too young to be a convincing Mrs. Claus.

Christmas is right around the corner. I've been working the last five weeks as Mrs. Clause at Lima Mall...so tired of having my ass pinched and fighting with screaming children. Ready for a selfish Lopez get-away somewhere tropical, with booze, hotties...and endless gifts from the rents. Like run me my yearly stipend. 

[askjesse]

I'm gonna go ahead and speak for the entire queer male population of Lima that none of us want to touch any part of you even a little bit. Your 5 foot nothing eye roll of a girlfriend can have that all to herself. Honestly, I don't envy you for that either.

I'm not one to beg for people to come along and watch but my coach insists on trying to draw a crowd. So if anyone wants to come and watch my wrestling match next week, please do. 5:30pm Friday, Dalton Gym. It's fun for everyone. Guys can watch some good wrestling fun, and ladies can ogle the incredible physique. I will ensure I clarify that looking is allowed but most certainly no touching. I'm spoken for.

[askjesse]

Tickets to a Broadway show. Wicked or & Juliet. Maybe Six depending on her ability to tolerate God-awful vinyl costumes.

The Christmas count down is officially ON! Which means I gotta find my family the PERFECT gifts! I know that it's not like.. the most important thing for the x-mas season but I def pride myself on making sure the younger siblings are super happy with their gifts. Any suggestions for something for a pre-teen girl?? All I know is she likes pink, Disney princesses and being cute.

[askjesse]

At least four, but if you want to bring extra for other members, I wouldn't be opposed. Okay, you and I are going to have a Fonda movie marathon because that is absolutely shocking.

It's not that exciting, I've spoken to him on at least two occasions, so it's pretty run-of-the-mill at this point. That doesn't get tiring? I'm as close as I can be, though our relationship did take a hit when I beat him out as Link Larkin in my hometown's production of Hairspray.

How many you thinking? Oh, oh yeah I know who she is. I haven't really seen her in anything but I know who she is.

Oh, cool? Sorry you seem excited, I should be more excited. That's awesome! I think he likes the company. He's probably forget to eat if I didn't remind him. Are you not close with your dad?

[askjesse]

Sure it is.

Even if I believed that they were all excellent, it would be a coincidence, not a rule.

Of course, all great performers prioritise philanthropy. If nothing else, it's excellent PR. That's great that you do that, but I can't imagine that people can pay the bills with earrings and keychains.

Ah, yes, your cheerleaders. The ditzy one, the dark haired one who looks perpetually angry, the blonde one who constantly looks like she smells something bad, and Madison. Short-sighted of you to think that excellence in cheerleading equals excellence onstage.

[askjesse]

I love it when I get to you with my mindgames. I hope your eye is twitching, it’s so fun when it does that. Honestly, you should work on your reactions, you’re a little too easy to take down. Cool as a cucumber gets the part.

Oh? Well, I actually think it would be the perfect role in the show for me and very much within my abilities. Her highest note is an F5, which we both know I am more than able to hit. Besides, you may play a little young for Franklin, no? You might work better as a member of the male ensemble.

[askjesse]

What were you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Vaseline chapstick, Jonathan Groff's Tony, and the knowledge that we're going to take Nationals this year. And, I'm shocked to say, Rachel. Who saw that one coming?

@askingrachelberry

[askjesse]

Thanks, but I'll leave the cheesy choreography for you and your band of double left-footed goons. And I wouldn't knock the jazzercise so fast, those ladies in the 80s had absolutely rock-hard abs. Whatever works.

You're doing 80s jazzercise to get into shape for Nationals? You should incorporate those moves into your performances as well. I'm sure the judges would love it.

[askjesse]

Of course, all great performers prioritise philanthropy. If nothing else, it's excellent PR. That's great that you do that, but I can't imagine that people can pay the bills with earrings and keychains.

Ah, yes, your cheerleaders. The ditzy one, the dark haired one who looks perpetually angry, the blonde one who constantly looks like she smells something bad, and Madison. Short-sighted of you to think that excellence in cheerleading equals excellence onstage.

No, no, not underestimating at all! Was just hoping that you also dabbled in, like, actual philanthropy as well. I'm so down with using the arts as a way to boost people's spirits. I have a business where I make jewellery and sometimes I give out earrings and keychains to people who seem sad!

It's okay, Jesse, I will not be stealing your Zumba routines. Or your not-Zumba routines. The TT's have our fair share of cheerleaders on the team so I now that it's important to keep moving!

[askjesse]

I expect nothing less. Oh, I know, I didn't play Mr. Hyde 2 years in a row for nothing. Wow, an ambitious role for you, well done. I love to see my teammates stretching themselves beyond their limits.

Really? I would be honored! I'll make sure to work everybody out. A role you'd crush. Don't take it the wrong way, but you're great as a villain. I'll be auditioning for Judy, of course. I mean, are you really a young female MT student if you haven't sung Get Out and Stay Out before?

[askjesse]

Of course not, they're ten-a-penny in Hollywood. And honestly I'm only counting the Emmys as major, the Globes have had a fall from grace in recent years.

I see. The minor television awards don't make the cut then?

[askjesse]

Maybe bring a couple extra just in case. Don't tell me you don't know who Jane Fonda is. If so, we need to go through some culture anthology and see what other blind spots you have.

We did. Ben Platt made eye contact with me during the parade, it was a stellar day. Doesn't sound bad at all, though the fact that you still live with your dad still baffles me. I don't think I could stomach it.

Don't worry about me. I bring two gatorades to each practice. Uh... don't yell at me, but was that supposed to be a hint?

Wow, really? That's super impressive. Did you get a prime seat? Mine was good, my brothers came home for the holiday's and we all just spent it with my dad. I think he was happy to have the boys home.

[askjesse]

Of course we donated food as well, but don't underestimate the power of artistic philanthropy.

I would never disclose an exercise regimen to the captain of a rival show choir, but rest assured that it's much more strenuous than aqua aerobics or Zumba.

Do you also donate...ya'know, soup? Or did you just...sing to them?

My nana loves aerobics too! The aqua kind! Are you guys doing the aqua aerobics? Or are you doing more Zumba type stuff? Maybe I should try and get the Troubletones on that Zumba grind...

[askjesse]

Glad to hear it, because I have you pegged for dance captain for Sectionals, so I need you in fighting shape. Oh, I'm aware, I'm already making a beeline for the role of Franklin Hart. You?

And I am more than excited to begin! I am very fonda a cardio workout myself. And also this reminds me that I need to put something from the musical adaptation of 9 to 5 in my book! Rumor has it that Akron Community Theatre is doing it for its next summer season.

[askjesse]

Good, make sure you have electrolytes too, I'm trying to mitigate the number of people who pass out this year. Frankie-ly, I'm surprised you can't figure it out, but I guess I'll give you some grace.

It was excellent. My cousins were backup dancers in the Macy's parade, so we flew out to the City to watch them. Yours?

Thank's for the heads up. I'll make sure I have a protein bar on hand, am hydrated and stretched out. Can you tell me who the surprise guest is?

How was your Thanksgiving, Jesse?

[askjesse]

You joke, but I have looked into copyrighting the name for use after I win my first major television award. It has some ring to it.

I see the work of the Jesse St James Foundation continues. Singing to the hungry is a new one on me, I have to say.

[askjesse]

Don't worry, my father has an at-home gym, so my routine's been as rigorous as it is in Ohio. And Thanksgiving was as it always is, you can't really complain when you get to watch Broadway performers lipsync on giant floats through Manhattan. I don't know who D is, but I'm happy for you. Honestly, good, I need my team to think about their asses to make sure we look hot to go at competition.

I had been missing my gym buddy! I hope you weren't totally slacking while away cause I def wasn't. I would hate to out bench-press ya and embarrass you in front of all the ladies and gents! But did you have a good time away?? I had a real cool time with the fam bam and D. Whenever I think 80's aerobics I kinda just think about butts, and headbands.