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askrendog · 5 days ago

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Shame

Ren sighs into the night, breath gets forced from his lungs, hitching as it gets unstuck from his throat, drawn out by the siren that is Bdubs as he kisses down Ren's neck. The callouses on the tips of Bdubs' fingers, from the years of buildings, years of perfection, trace Ren's shoulders softly, ghost over the sun-damaged skin, the other squeezes Ren's own hand, thumb caressing softly over a small scar Ren earned in his childhood years.

“I was thinking, maybe you should pay Bomb a visit? Do your God Healing stuff, something shattered his legs.” Bdubs kisses Ren's pulse point softly, just once, before he settles into the crook of Ren's neck, just to breathe.

“Maybe…” Ren lets another breath out, it comes more naturally this time.

There's a moment of building pleasure, of tension, of emotions, ready to come undone. A gift given by god, wrapped up, blessed with sweet whispers, and tied closed with a golden bow.

Such a thing, soft, and delicate, and Ren suddenly realizes this is so wrong.

“Bdubs—Wait,” Ren sits up, and Bdubs stares, “I—this… We shouldn't.”

“Ren?” Bdubs sighs, opens his mouth, ready to talk about God with Ren, as they have before, they have drawn so many conclusions about faith together. Hard conversations are needed for our future. Bdubs will repeat words he's told someone else before.

Ren shakes his head, “You don't deserve this!” He gestures to himself, “Bdubs, I can't do this, I—There is so much wrong with me, and you don't deserve to pick up my broken pieces!”

“But I want to be here for you, I love you, Ren.”

“I don't love you,” Ren is horrified with himself the moment he says it, something so rude! “I didn't—”

Bdubs recoils, standing up, grabbing his shirt, “I don't understand, you got back with me to what?” He stumbles over his words, trying to rack his brain around something Ren himself doesn't understand.

“I'm sorry.” Is the only thing Ren can say.

“You should be! You strung me along!” Bdubs is already leaving, slamming, not only, Ren's bedroom door, but the front door too, as he leaves. Ren is sure that Bdubs is cursing, calling Ren names as he leaves.

Things were finally getting better! He laughs at himself, head in his hands, long, straightened hair draping over his face. He's able to hide away once again.

He was finally in a good place with Doc, able to be in proximity with his ex-husband and be at peace with himself. He's finally cleaned up his place, and whatever illness he had in his mind, God took care of! But…

Ren's ribs are like a cage around himself, but instead of protecting his heart, the bars are made of The Devil’s cruel fingers, which curl in and keep Ren prisoner.

Ren's body isn't his own, he pulls at his skin, nails rake at his arms until they turn into bumps and threaten to bleed while he staggers to the kitchen.

He tunes back into his surroundings as he spreads the mayo on the bread and puts the sandwich together.

It's gross. But Ren hadn't eaten since lunch the day before.

Something he's eaten so many times before without issue, and yet now he has a problem. The bread sticks to the roof of his mouth, the cheese is a horrible plastic texture, and the dewy meat, too, is horribly misplaced in his mouth.

After only a few bites, it ends up in his trash but… well God sent this to be put on his plate, so he fishes it from the bin and puts it back onto the ceramic plate.

It stares at him, judging him, That was disgusting. It says to Ren, for some reason it has the unmistakable voice of Doc, although it lacks the goat’s kind mannerisms, Are you really gonna eat out of the trash?

Stuffing it down is hard, he makes sure to chew it extra, and drinks enough water between swallowing to make himself sick, which poses as an equally hard challenge.

Breathing is impossible, he manually makes himself gasp for air, it's almost like he's drowning.

Miraculously, Ren finds himself hunched over his toilet, and once again:

God’s punishing fingers are thrust down the back of Ren's throat. It hurts, but Ren keeps going deeper until he can't anymore, and even then he retracts his fingers and when he shoves them back in next, he somehow makes it farther. God isn't happy, he's ruined yet another relationship, and is now laying nude in the dark. If Ren actually was sorry, he would cover up, if Ren was actually sorry, he would be better, would do better, would have the littlest bit of dignity and self-preservation.

Ren is wasteful, he sobs, coughs, gags while he vomits, bread doesn't come up easily. In his initial half-hearted recovery, Doc had Ren eat more carbs because of this. His food hurts coming back up, any progress towards getting better is undone. Unwoven like Ren's family portrait has been when Ren first disgraced them.

He backs away, his back hits the cold wall behind him, while shoving the heels of his palm into his eyes until they hurt. He still feels full, so he crawls back over and repeats the process of purging himself of sin.

Shaking hands almost burn himself as Ren lights the cigarette, huddled up in a blanket on his bathroom floor. Taking a breath of the smoke makes him feel a bit better.

When he was a teenager, first exposed to nicotine, he was enamoured by the idea of it: no calories, feels amazing, and makes him less hungry, to say Ren was adverse would be a lie—despite the knowledge of it being sinful. All sinners start somewhere.

His tears have long since ceased, leaving dry, salty lines on his cheeks, but he still lets out dry sobs every once in a while.

Moonlight streams through the window of his living area, God is the sun and the moon, a reminder of how He is always watching. The only thing Ren can think to do, is close the door and silently enjoy his sin and destructive behaviors alone. God can still see, it isn't as simple as closing a door, but, other hermits have access to his house

They all trust each other, no one typically locks front doors, just in case of any emergencies. It's just…in the low possibility anyone does come over, he has an extra shield of protection, to hide away whatever he can (Well, the smell isn't going anywhere, but he can lie and say he only smoked one, that he doesn't have anymore. Lying, too, is a sin Ren finds himself indulging in), including his peace, his enjoyment of hurting himself.

It's almost jarring to admit: these things he does as punishment, they feel nice, they feel good.

Which leads Ren down a rabbit hole. Does he enjoy the punishments and so he sins more to have an excuse to do otherwise frowned upon actions? Does he seek them out? Or does his piety ground him, in ways nothing else can? Does his enjoyment of hurting himself come from God's forgiveness?

God is a mystery, one that Ren can't solve, even when his church-going peers can. He feels so alone. No hermit understands him, really, they didn't grow up reading the sacred texts of Ren's god, didn't grow up in his community, they simply don't get why Ren does certain things in the name of God.

He can't even go home to where someone might understand him, he doesn't want to bother Mara and disrupt her family again, he's utterly alone.

Ren was a dreamer. When he was a young girl, he had so many expectations. What would his wedding be like? Turns out, it was just paperwork, there was no venue or party nor a sweet wedding night full of lovers' vows and yearnings in the dark. Ren spent the night after he was officially “Doc's husband” in his own bed. Alone.

Maybe the relationship was never really serious, maybe Ren was foolish to believe so; but can you blame him when Doc promised up and down, day and night, that he loved Ren.

And maybe Ren is selfish for keeping his affections for Doc, for a man who no longer wears the wedding band Ren had welded himself “Vir ewig en altyd” engraved on the inside. Forever and always.

When he took the golden strip to a professional, he was almost scared it wouldn't fit in the ring, but it did, and luckily the jeweler was able to help Ren make the ring look polished instead of whatever shabby DIY project Ren would've done alone.

Ren actually never got the ring back from Doc, he never questioned its whereabouts, but Doc doesn't wear it anymore.

Maybe Doc will reuse it when he and Bomb get married? Maybe he'll melt it down, make a ring from it to give to Bomb, engrave something similar to what Ren had, but maybe in Doc's own language to make it special.

Where is Ren's ring? He realizes how he also never gave his back to Doc, maybe that was a silent agreement between them. Another of which Ren was unaware happened.

He snuffs out his cigarette, dumping the ashes in the toilet with his dinner and flushing away his disgust.

Sickened by his own hunger, while he stands he can feel it: he's going to throw up again, but there's nothing left to come up, so he just feels the color drain from his face as he lays down on his couch. Still unable to sleep in his bed alone, he lets his own fingers travel up and down his biceps, his leg, squeezes his own thigh, up his neck, to his cheek.

Ren wants to go look for his missing wedding ring, wherever it ends up, but even moving around for the time being makes him sick.

So he closes his eyes and waits it out.

#Unedited but its okay #askrendog #writing #how do i do my tags.. umm #suggestive #at the beginning yk if youre picking up what im putting down #Drugs tw #ed tw #THIS PLACE IS NOT A PRO ANA/ED BLOG!!!

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askrendog · 9 days ago

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Let Light Be Light

There's a newness, an unfamiliarity, even though they have dated before, Ren still feels new.

To Bdubs, at least.

Before, Ren would shower Bdubs in thousands of whispers of praise, sweet nothings and tangled limbs in the darkness of the night. It was sort of exciting.

And this time, they're taking it slow. Before, everything was kind of quick, and it was all over before it really started.

That's the reason they're starting over; a fresh start. At least Bdubs thinks so, anyway, everything with Ren is a mystery, being able to find clues is difficult, but hey, it's the same kind of rodeo trying to work his way into Etho's brain! Bdubs is used to searching the dark room of someone's mind, trying to find a key to unlock a guarded vault of vulnerability.

“Let's do something, we always stay in, hell, I was talkin’ to Cleo and she asked if we were actually together again or if I was doing a prank.” Bdubs wraps his arms around Ren's neck, embracing the sitting hybrid from behind, kissing the base of Ren's ear, right where the nerves are.

His ears flick, then Ren laughs, probably to cover up the small whine drawn out by the kisses.

“What do you suggest we do, Bdouble?” Ren cranes his head up, face covered up by hair that Bdubs cards his fingers through until it's all pinned between the top of Ren's head and Bdubs' sternum.

“A nice walk through the forest? Not a random one, my forest.” He grins, closing his eyes and feeling the stubble growing on Ren's jawline, pressing his fingers at the bone under the skin, memorizing his face by touch.

Ren is a piece of art. A statue, sculpted by divine hands, life kissed into him, trees bend their branches down beholding Ren’s beauty.

Bdubs wishes Ren could see more than whatever repulsive monster his mind has tricked him into seeing.

The forest is incredibly nice— of course it is! It's Bdubs’ forest, after all! They're holding hands in daylight, and yeah no one is around, but when Bdubs trips, Ren catches him, twirls him around, laughs, and tells him to be careful, smiling with his dopey smile.

Pressing soft kisses in the sunlight that reaches through the leaves, Bdubs lets himself relinquish all the doubts he was unaware he had.

For a moment, it's all laughter, sun shining on Bdubs' cheeks, making his eyes turn a golden honey color.

Light from the heavens bleeding through the trees, dotting their path.

Ren doesn't feel particularly proud of himself, he's told Bdubs these words, he isn't fond of who he has grown to be, but, he said, with Bdubs, it almost feels like he's alone with the best parts of himself. And when he is walking along in the woods, well, there isn't a world outside of them, and everything in this bubble is okay. And well, with such flowery words reserved for those Ren holds dearest, Bdubs grins, kisses him again, and believes.

They've strayed from the path Bdubs set up, settled in the openness of a meadow just outside the trees, with the rest of the fields in view. Laying on the grass, knowing the back of his neck will break out in hives later, and yet not caring.

Ren had flown back to his base, and then flew back with his nice guitar. It's a little dirty, but that's okay! Bdubs wipes it down when Ren lands.

Ren is almost done tuning when the highest string snaps, snagging his arm, just enough for it to draw the littlest amount of red blood. It's okay, Ren's dealt with this before.

Bdubs himself has had a string break while he was mid-strum. Better now than in the middle of a song, he decides.

Bdubs smiles, laying his cheek on his folded arms, looking up at the dog, “You didn't make that out to be some bad omen from God,” he points out.

“God sends me different signs,” Ren hums, removing the snapped wire, luckily, Bdubs has extras stashed away in his enderchest! “He's not gonna send me small signs, he'll send me bigger stuff.”

Bdubs makes a noise, almost close to a grumble, but just polite enough to be considered his acknowledging Ren's words. “Men are great, don't you think?”

“What?”

“Oh! Not like that—You…” There's a silence, Ren stopped giggling at Bdubs' poor word choices, and is awaiting the man to know to think through what he's trying to say, “I just mean, people like us, thousand of years ago, got lonely and created gods…” he's testing the waters, here.

“God was lonely and thus created man,” Ren hums in turn, strumming the strings softly. Just playing for right now, the cogs in his mind turn loudly, “It's said, uhm, by God, that there will always be a person— a person who looks like a poem the earth wrote to keep you alive.”

“God said that?”

“Yeah, see, he isn't so bad.”

Bdubs juggles that in his own brain, then simply sits up and kisses Ren. Hand on his cheek, softly running his thumb over the course beard that is firmly planted on his boyfriend's face.

Those blue eyes are so closed off. Bdubs gazes into them when they break apart, resting their foreheads together. Aren't eyes the window to the stupid soul?

“Play me music,” he whispers, smiling, the demand has no weight, but Ren wants to play, smd Bdubs will do anything to hear the sweet music.

And, well, to be honest? Bdubs loves Ren's singing, “I was in love, I could be anything I want.” Bdubs isn't actually sure he knows this song, “It was enough. I forgot everything I was taught, I was a fool. And I was a fool, but I was in love.”

Ren sways back and forth, smiling as he focuses on his fingers, strumming the notes, moving his other hand from fret to fret. This is maybe the most at peace Bdubs has seen Ren in a long time. Just by proxy, it makes Bdubs himself smile.

“I was in love—” when they make eye contact, Ren bursts out in laughs, he still plays, struggling to keep his composure, until he just fades out, “I can't when you're lookin’ at me like that, BdoubleO!”

“Like what!”

“Like that!”

Bdubs rolls his eyes, laughing, as he sits back up “I think someone just doesn't know the words,” he shrugs, egging Ren on.

“I know them!” But Ren sets his guitar aside anyway, “I'm just rusty.”

“Rusty, that's it,”

“Yeah!”

The sun sets on the picnic, and Bdubs can't help how his hands trace up and down Ren's arm, feeling the muscles.

The hot sun has since spared them from unbearable heat, and instead a cooling breeze blows against their flushed cheeks.

Bdubs rolls over onto his stomach, propping himself up on his forearms as he looks down at Ren.

“What're you thinking?” Bdubs runs his fingers through Ren's hair, moving the layers up and away. The Dog hybrid has since cut his hair again, although this time to add volume, not because it's unbearable but because it makes him feel more like someone that never really existed. He cut it for himself, Bdubs loves it.

“Hmmm?”

“I can hear you think, what're you thinking about?”

Ren hums, low and gravely, thinking over whatever he wants to say before it leaves his mouth, something rare, for the both of them “You, I guess.”

Bdubs laughs, “You guess?”

“I'm thinking about the future! Like—Do you want kids?”

“Kids? Do I want..?” Hes dumbfounded for a moment, last time they ever spoke about having kids was last season, and Ren was firm about never having kids. “I guess I'd want to be married before I had kids, just knowing that security was there.” There's a moment of silence, a beat of nothing, “What changed? To make you want kids?”

“Doc.” Ren looks back at the sky, the first stars are making their appearances. Bdubs nods. He knows it's kind of unreasonable to ask that Ren be 100% done and over Doc, but, to be honest: hearing your boyfriend say his ex-husband made him realize how much he wants to be a father? Jeez.

“‘course…”

“No, I mean. I went to Mara’s, met my niece and nephews, the youngest, Micah, I was gold at taking care of him! And then I came back and babysat one of Doc’s kids, and I don't know, Bdouble,” he sighs, closing his eyes and taking off his sunglasses, “Made me realize that suppressing my feelings didn't make me feel good, I was so against being a dad and it kinda stressed me out.”

“But, now you want it?”

In all of Bdubs' thousands of years of living, he still fails to really understand emotions like that. How sadness isn't like an emptiness, not an empty church and its lack of worshippers nor an empty house and its tables and chairs with no one to sit in them. Sadness is in you, Bdubs didn't understand that at first, and he struggles to keep that knowledge at the forefront of his mind: it is the whole empty world, and it's on you and it should be in Bdubs—considering Bdubs needs to keep up appearances as a player, as someone normal, instead of the being he instead is.

Bdubs watched life, all of his own existence, he watched players live from afar, and he knew that he wanted to be out there in the field, and here he was.

He watched life, watched love and pain, and wanted to be a part of it. But being in Ren's life? Keeping the small sand grains from falling between his fingers? It's difficult.

“I think we should wait, for kids.”

Ren nods along, shutting his eyes again, like it's painful to hear. It might be.

“I'm not saying I don't want kids in the future, but you're going through a lot, and we haven't been together that long, let's just wait, a little bit.

“It's for the best.” Ren says, turning around.

“Yeah,” Bdubs' hand settles on his lover's back, chin hooking over his shoulder, “I'm not sayin’ no, Ren, I'm just saying we sleep on it a little more.” he places a kiss on Ren's neck, smiling into his hair.

Ren leans back into Bdubs' embrace, “I know,” he smiles, “One more song?”

“But then it's Bdubs' shreepy time,” Bdubs laughs, leaning back as they detach and Ren is grabbing his guitar again.

The song and the cooling air is nice, the golden sunlight still provides a good amount of warmth. It's a shame their night has to come to an end, but when Bdubs yawns, it seems Ren is willing to pack up and help Bdubs to his small cabin where they bid each other goodnight.

Bdubs smiles, bringing Ren down for a tender kiss, it's a sweet moment, soft movements. Not quite a makeout, but it's more than just a kiss.

Ren separates them, “Goodnight, Bdubs,” he whispers, and then disappears into the night Bdubs watches as the fireflies lit up the path he takes before fireworks sound out and he's gone, leaving Bdubs standing in the doorway.

#writing #the angels will sing #The Bdubs fic is here!!!!!#Guys!!! Im so excited!!!! This arc is like quickly wrapping up!!!#Then i get to focus on a Bdubs story!!!!

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