at-low-tide-blog

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Wednesday, July 9, 2014 – 11:15 AM

I'm not gonna feel weird/uncomfortable for sitting on the fresh grass in this shady area under the tree when there are benches right behind me.  Would, 'seating is a human/social construct,' be accurate?

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Tuesday, June 24, 2014 -- 2:36 AM

I was going to get baptized. No suit; long jeans; half sleeve shirt; nix the leather jacket, leather shoes, and electronics. A moment in time that was quickly evaluated and given an honest analysis. Was I ready? The answer is in how things played out. I refused and had good reason. I wasn't ready to let the old me die and the new me flourish wildly, without limitations. This is what baptism is. Perfection isn't needed. One will never be perfect. But a desire to be different, to let your old self die in order to home in on your best self, to be set apart from that old self, is necessary. Intertwined in this new, "of God," individual I wish to be is this crop top wearing, freak dancing, cussing (in traffic mostly), sad song indulging, vain-obsessed, untrusting control freak kind of girl. My flesh doesn't want to leave, can't leave. It's stuck on me even as my spirit wishes to go beyond what is worldly. For some, I can't wait to live without, while others have me scratching my head thinking of some type of justification for them, ways to work around what is true, pure, and right in the eyes of God while I continue to lead a double life for the time being. What if God and my church acquaintances were there as I freak-dance with a boy downtown on the weekends with my friend. What did He think when I logged onto tumblr, came across that picture, and landed on that site that I knew looked bad, yet I persisted. It was deliberate. At that point, I was just feeding the addiction. What did he think when I asked my friend if I should change my black sheer (see-through) lace flowy top with only a midriff bustier-type top underneath for the baptism I missed completely. I ended up changing just to go. But I don't want to be that person. My roomate already has her doubts about God, as if I'm not making it seem even more hypocritical or proposterous. I'm giving God a bad name when I reluctant in completely realigning my life, actions, words, and ways of being. Now that last one is huge and embodies the rest of them. I shouldn't have to change for a baptism, I should be able to go as is. Where is my mind? It's a good question to ask and something I should always consider. Why is it that we buy certain things? Should I buy clothes in consideration of how a man might take it? Is this what is expected? Is downtown clubbing unexceptable all together or just the showy dresses and freak dancing? As a God girl, I believe it is our duty to question everything using God's eyes and wisdom because we can be easily fooled at times. Especially since we've lived so willingly, sometimes unknowingly, in sin for such a long time. Old habits die hard.

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Monday, June 9, 2014 – 1:25 PM

Boy, have I come a long way.  I like to write, I've been told it's something I'm good at, but it's still crazy looking at old scribbles.  

It feels kind of like reading a book that translates exactly how you feel that it's as if you wrote it yourself.  But out of all those times feeling like someone wrote how you feel better than you ever could, this time you actually did.  Very twilight-zone.  I can't believe it sometimes.  I surely underestimate my skills.  I look back and think this writer is amazing, but it's me, and I never would have thought such a thing before writing, or during.  Only after the fact.  

I started this blog with the url: at-low-time.tumblr.com

It was supposed to be my official tumblr for dumping all my negative emotions on because I felt like I had no where else to go.  That was then, this is now.  The state of my own personal union/togetherness is that: I'm okay.  I found resources that allow me to speak my mind, say how things really are, out loud, without having to suppress it all and internalize everything.  This is great.  We are making amazing breakthroughs people!

I've found that I like to label things, to put a name on it, making compartments in my brain for them.  If it's something I'm dealing with, if I have it, I need a name on it.  Nothing can remain nameless.  But if I've learned anything it's that some things in life are truly nameless.  We go through rough patches, but calling it the saddest week of my life or the saddest year of my life isn't going to allow for a happy resolution any sooner.  

You know what I'm tired of?  Dedicating every post on my blogs or journals to be sad posts.  I've classified myself and I've classified my writing as the sad blob I've been.  I need to nix the label and progress to a place beyond where I've been or I'll never get going.

So if you wonder where I am: it's not quite there, not quite over there.  I'm just gonna be a moving force.  When I write I may be here for a second, but I'm hoping it'll be some time of progression.  

A positive blitz shooting straight for your heart.   

[at-low-tide-blog]

Float On || Modest Mouse

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Voxtrot || The Start of Something

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014 – 10:59 PM

The distance that has been forced against us all has done so in good reason.  'Tis the season to be alone, surviving by ones lonesome finds no real treason.

I think it was necessary for me to learn to be alone.  To find a way to comfort myself, but to be comforted by the Lord.  I'm slowly starting to feel like the person I always thought I was supposed to be.  I'm in my own skin when I feel confident and joyful and positive and can be supported by the ways of – not this world but – the world raised high above us all.

I'm productive, proactive, and making drastic changes to see great things come to surface.  The future glows.

[at-low-tide-blog]

Little Shadow || Yeah Yeah Yeahs

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Monday, March 3, 2014 – 1:22 A.M.

New adjustment: resisting

Feelings: uneasiness, weak, uncomfortable

Today I start my journey of resistance.  Resistance from toxic cycles and bad habits.  My weakness is stress and anxiety that pulls and pokes and makes me feel like something is off.  I just want to run to my hiding place, that place of darkness where I've grown so accustomed to.  That place has been my home for far too long.  

I know I must be on a better path by resisting, but I just don't feel right.  I'm not happy.  They were, obviously, quick fixes, things to take my mind off of my worry and stress.  I've felt abandoned by God for so long, so as if I was alone, I took to the only measures I knew.  Now I just feel even more alone and abandoned.  

I don't know what you want.  I can't hear you and I'm reluctant to listen.  So now I'm just suffering.  How does one believe after making her own heart cold?  What do you want from me?  I'm dead inside now and I'm doing what you want, what you say is right, but you know how I feel.  It's as if you want me to feel alone, you want me to suffer.  

It can't be healthy that I don't want to be here, that I don't know what lies ahead other than the uneasiness life gives and death awaits.

I can't imagine the martyrs of The Golden Legend, dying happily in your name.  I can't imagine them greeting death with open arms, having the knowledge to dive completely into the unknown.  Well, unknown for me.  

I'm scared.  I'm scared to die.  I'm scared that I question why I'm alive and suffering, why I have to live without living.  I'm scared to never amount to anything, to everyday be questioning why I'm even here.  I'm scared of life.  I've never been so afraid.  Afraid of the purposeless expanse, that goes on for miles for no reason at all.  Just to be a long, laborious task we all must attend to.  

I'm scared of being alone, of being so far apart from my mom.  She's my best friend, even though I can't tell her all that darkness my heart.  I wish I can tell her everything.  But even so, she's the only one that makes me feel like I can persist.

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Bellies Are Full || Portugal. The Man

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Whatever It Is, It Must Be Real.

Two different versions of me fight to the death I don't know which one is more me

They say that I am naturally of sinful nature But made in the image of perfection

Evils are much stronger down here Sometimes unbearable

I guess I will keep fighting, A little for one, a little for the other

Except it's really only one I must fight for, The other becomes me

I naturally succumb to thee.

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Past In Present || Feist

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Thursday, February 27, 2014 – 2:58 PM

Thought pt. 1

I am split between the flesh and the soul; between one that wishes to impress and prove this world and another that has no need to impress and has a whole other agenda on which lies the basis for proving.  

I don't know which way to go.  One gives me eternal happiness and satisfaction and requires discipline and obedience, the other is simply living in the now and (I admit) being a slave to bodily desires and curiosities.  I feel I am two beings in one body, yearning for eternal truth and happiness and, at the same time, I want satisfaction that one can only gain from going with your feeling.  There are consequences from both but which is more detrimental?  I would think your eternity is worth giving up any earthly desires but feeling one with the earth is part of who I am, doing what I feel is right and feels good.  

I am a slave to today and I am a slave to eternity.  Both ways tend to feel like confinement.  

I'm not sure which road to take...

Thought pt. 2

Our environment has its way of deceiving us.  I always thought that if you believed and if you desired to be this type of person that it provides a truer happiness inside but looking at you and understanding me I see a deceiving picture.  You are moving on.  Or so it seems.  You are done with trying to reach out to me, even though sincerity was never the root.  I am still dealing with so much.  And in the process of trying to deal, the arrival of several trivial issues have come about and grown into critical deterrents.  None of this encourages me to pursue a life of obeying any God.  I get the logic in being a slave to sin, but why so often can obeying what is right feel like being a slave to something else?  

You are everything that I shouldn't  engage in.  You are drugs and alcohol and freedom and letting go and adventure and spontaneity and carelessness and vulgarity and sex and memories created and memories forgotten.  You are life.

I don't feel like I'm living and when I look at you, you make me want to be alive.  Substituting one thing for another isn't supposed to take the pain away, but it does.  I'm saying this with experience.  I refuse to be confined to culture cues on this one.  I have done it before.  Time goes on and you are just softening the blow.  So why can't I?  Why can't I gladly drive my life into the ground, be destructive, and actually live to learn and experience.  Sometimes people that fall apart learn the lesson instead of holding back uncomfortably from that which you overly desire.  Sometimes giving in provides the lesson.  It's this uneasiness that comes with resisting which makes you feel you should attend to the need.  

Truth: not all things are well, especially in excess.  So where should one stop and go?  Tell me I can resist the things I need to resist and learn to yield.  Some things are obviously not humanly possible.  But will I ever learn to use your power again?

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"And while he was telling her something the dogs began to bark, several of them, all at once, very near, and she was so completely encircled by the barking and a very gentle, gentle terror that she was no longer afraid of her son.  The fear of an entire lifetime suddenly left her."

- The Barking by Ingeborg Bachmann

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The Wolves (Act I and II) || Bon Iver