atinygoblin

[atinygoblin]

what if

[atinygoblin]

Feeling nostalgic, miss tumblr

[atinygoblin]

I’m back in me lil depression hole. I know, exciting, but it’s been different from a lot of the other times. I don’t want to unalive myself. I just want to stop. If you get what I mean. Just stop. I want to lay down and just stay down. I obviously can’t, I have responsibilities but it would just be so nice to stop.

Everything at the moment is hard to do. Something that usually would take like 5% energy, is now taking 50% energy to do. I hate my room being a mess, but I let it get a mess. When I actually got to cleaning it, it took me about 30 mins which I would just get up and do, but It took me a week to do so. Just cleaning it was horrible, I left it that long that I didn’t realise that my cat had peed on my clean clothes that I didn’t put away so it meant that I had to re wash them as well.

I’ve been bad with keeping in touch with friends too, I feel like I’ve just given up somewhere and I can’t pinpoint when. They haven’t even done anything bad, I just don’t think I can talk to them when I am feeling like this. The only person I can actively talk to about it is my boyfriend but I feel bad to put it all on him. I’ve been really mean to him as well, I feel so guilty. I’ve been snappy and moody with him. It’s not his fault, I really don’t know how to make up up with him.

I moaned at him today. Like every other couple, we have a playlist together and put playlist was like 66 hours long, but the majority of the songs are his songs so like none of the songs I’ve put in the playlist rarely come on so we’re always listening to his songs. I don’t even hate his songs, i just feel really washed out. One of my commitment fears is loosing myself to the person I love (forgetting what I like and who I am) so I push what I like really strongly and I don’t know I just felt so over powered in the playlist. Plus whenever a song I like does come on, I jest never feel like it’s appreciated or properly listened to. I don’t expect him to like everything I like, but idk just actively listen to it and ask me why I like it would be nice. I do it for him, even with artist I don’t really care about, I just like to know what his interested in. At this point of me moaning about it, he removed songs from the playlist. Idk what I’m wanted him to do about it but that was his reposes. I made him feel uncomfortable with sharing his music with me. I never intended that, I just want him to reassure me that I could do the same, in retaliation, I removed like a majority of my songs out the playlist.

It’s just made me feel horrible and evil. Typing it pout has made me understand myself some more so I think I’lol just write it out to him to explain myself. Its just really hard for me to do right there and then. I do take my bad feelings out on him though.

[atinygoblin]

Sorry ive not updated in a while, everything has been crazy.

Caught my dad cheating loooool not even the first time, it’s the THIRD time. Nothings been done from it though, my mum is terrified to be alone I guess but she’s over it. I don’t know it’s a bit complicated ( but confession time - he doesn’t know that I can get into his instagram account so I have been stalking. ) I know I shouldn’t and it’s probably more upsetting for me than it is for him but I feel like a hacker. It’s just a little funny. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

Feeling more organised now which is nice because I never have been that type of person but it feels like I’m practicing self discipline. My room is a mess but I will clean it when I get ready tomorrow. See, already planning! Physically writing a schedule helps me keep on track, with everything. What would’ve though that writing things on a calendar would work and allow me to plan ahead.

It was my birthday on October and I had fun on it too. I’ve started my own tradition of buying a small film pack for my instamini camera. (Very tumblr 2014) but it’s not cringe when you don’t have a man tell you so. Just also had a birthday meal at a Japanese restaurant for my friend which was delicious. I had spicy udon noodles with battered prawns which was the same thing I ordered the first time I ate there but it wasn’t this amazing. They only just opened back then but it was nice enough to go back and I think the chef is settling in now because the food was better this time. It’s been so cold lately so to have a big bowl of spicy udon noodles was the perfect remedy to warm you up.

I’m cold right now though, I miss my man so much right now. In a double bed by myself is the worse when it comes to this season, it’s got me praying for the weekend so I can get warm in bed with him after spending the whole weekend without him.

Remember when we had that argument about the film, Old boy? Well I watched The Handmaiden which is directed by the same guy?! (Park chan Wook.) And it’s completely changed my perspective. This film was amazing, I recommend it. If you uncomfortable with sex scenes, maybe don’t watch it but it was truly beautiful. It just solidified my point of the deep perversion then men obsess over. The uncle to me seems like the character which would reflect the directory the most because the uncle’s ‘art’ is just perverted which is the same as the director because plays with that perversion for the shock value to create that burning suspension door the audience. It’s for that sickening thrill you seek from slasher films but it takes it to a personal level because everyone had there kinks and fetishes and he 100% makes sure you’re uncomfortable with watching but if you’re not uncomfortable, it’s then reflects on your own perversions. It just like clicked. In old boy I was just disgusted because it was incest and that’s a fetish I can’t justify but lesbians? Allowed. Me being bi, it feels more seen, feel more heard which allows me to connect with the characters and there’s nothing wrong with lesbians, what is wrong is that men sexualise it for themselves because they have to have EVERYTHING. It’s was good to see a man get nothing at the end of film, it really makes a change.

I’m surreal that I’lol have some more things to talk about soon, I’ve just not prosessed it all yet.

[atinygoblin]

This week has been rough.

It’s just been filled with sleepless nights and petty little arguments. Sleep ping has been rough because of my dogs and love them all so bloody much, but working nights means I have to sleep in the day and they are such little shits. They will bark at a fly farting, like there is nothing we can do to stop them. It just means that I’ve had really broken sleep. It’s exhausting not going to lie.

Having to go to work, only having broken sleep is the worse because then I’m breaking my back with no energy. Work is just stressful and gross anyways. I really hate it when I’m tired. If I’ve had a good sleep, then it’s a good shift but if not, it just sucks. Just to really top it off, whilst at work, running on no sleep, I had a massive argument with my sister.

It’s was about her being homophobic. She had this vulgar conversation with some guy and she said that the worse thing about the whole argument was the fact that she was ‘humiliated’ that he assumed that she was bisexual….what!? Not the fact that he sexually harassed her but the fact that he assumed that she was bisexual?? How does that even add up to even be an insult. So when I questioned her on that, she got super defensive about it but didn’t even want to correct herself in it. Like it’s not an insult to be assumed to be bisexual at all because there’s nothing wrong with actually being bisexual, I don’t understand why it upset her so much the the point that she felt humiliated by it????

I asked her about it but then she got rude, and since she got rude, I had to get rude back. Bare in mind, I was tired and busy at work while she was arguing with me because she felt humiliated by it. My other sisters got involved being the same as me but they have more patience then me so they were able to break it down for her, even though she stuck to her previous statement that she was humiliated with being assumed that she was bi. It’s just homophobic really isn’t it.

The day after, I had to stay awake ( an all nighter) because I had plans and had too catch the train, and even the the argument had cooled down, me and Kay still weren’t having it. She explicitly said that she apologised to my two other sisters but not me because ‘ I was rude’ brooooo she was homophobic so I agreed that neither of us were going to apologised to each other because if I did, it would be a lie. I’m not sorry in the slightest. I said what I said and I stand by that.

My weekend was good none the less, I was with my stinky and his so sweet I literally love him so much his made me feel so much better with everything going around me. I was snappy and mardy for most of the weekend but his just that perfect that he understands why and was just calm and patient with me. It’s all I really needed to be honest.

[atinygoblin]

Uhhh ohhh is that pms timeeee

I know I’m about to come on, I’ve got pains and I’ve just been in a miserable mood all day but now, I’ve developed a quick temper.

Everyone has been getting on my nerves all day, I want to rage. I’m literally just being mad at people being themselves and I have no idea why it’s triggering me so much. I’m just so irritated I want to pull my hair out. Just everything is rubbing me up the wrong way. It’s 3am I can hear my mum going on and on and on and on about the same thing and it’s just so respective and I seriously cannot be arsed to here it. She’s only talking about work but at 3am?!? Maybe you should go to bed if you have work and then I haven’t got to hear your 3 hour long trial of how you do your job. Just a suggestion but I know that’s rude but ahhhihishhbuhw shut uuuuupp u, you’re literally giving me headache.

My sister is annoying me as well, I takes her literally forever to do something, she asked my other sister to dye her hair and of course where she goes, I go, so we go round and we chill and chat for a little bit expecting to dye her hair in a bit. She doesn’t do it till z2am!?!?!? 2AM, idk if she was aware or not, but GIRL get a grip and then I gotta hear my mum gibe me a tutorial ?!?! I just feel like people are taking the piss a little bit and up just not getting IT. She promise to give number 4 a ps4 with tv and she’s going it even sorted it out and then when I brought it up she says we haven’t texted her telling her we’re coming to get it. We literally pop round all the time why can’t she just actually get everything together and organised so when we do pop round , we can just grab it and go? Quick and easy but no.

Why does everyone live in hard mode on purpose. If there was an ounce of common sense, life wouldn’t be so difficult I swear to God. I feel like I’m on survival mode with these people.

My dads been mardy and his been throwing his shit around too. Can’t clean up after himself, the other day he made him and mum dinner and left sauce packets literally everywhere, like it’s not hard to put it in the bin so then I had to clean it up, and then the sides cus he left that in a mess. Took my 3 minutes. My noodles were done at that point like please get a grip.

When I move our, I hope stinky knows how annoying I am when it comes to functioning because I take it seriously because there’s no reason why capable adults should be leaving such a mess. It’s a reasonable responsibility we have to take and I’m I won’t be shy telling him that he needs to pick up his shit. I refuse to live in a shit hole. Lived in one my whole life, and I’m sure as hell not living in a shit hole in my own home.

I’m just pissy, I had to rant or else I’ll just cry

[atinygoblin]

Little life update;

Not much has happened the past couple of weeks, the sun must’ve given everyone a bit of vitamin D so everyone is less depressed. It has started raining again which is a slay but I am going to miss the sun. I’m dreading the autumn/winter seasons coming up. It’s just dark all the time and if you’re into that, good for you but I work nights and it’s all I see for 4 months straight. It just gets draining after a bit that’s all. I also hate Christmas, starting to realise that I’m a miserable bastard but I hate Christmas. I don’t even like roast dinners so there not much to look forward too.

My pets have fleas which is annoying too. We’ve tried everything to get rid of them, I think it’s probably time to get them to the vets and do it hat way because it is just exhausting.

[atinygoblin]

Little life update, I’m not going college anymore but I am starting to save up to move out with stinky. It’s scary and exciting. It’s something that going to take a bit of time to work towards. I need to pass my driving test first but I’m saving money as I go along. We told my mum last night that we’ll be moving out in the next 2 years. Surprisingly, she took it well.

Whenever I mention moving out in the past she’s always puts me down and convinces me that I’m not going to be able to commit to leaving. I think she’s realised now that it’s not her choice anymore and that I will figure it out. I will alway figure it out, it’s who I am. Even if it takes time, I will always find a way around it. I’m a lucid and flexible person and being broke doesn’t scare me. I’ve been broke the entirety of my life and quite frankly, I’ll prefer to be broke with stinky than be broke with my mum.

[atinygoblin]

I wish the porn bots that follow me actually cared about my posts :(

[atinygoblin]

It’s been a few weeks, but hello.

This week has been filled with uninterrupted breakdowns. Mainly existential dread. Feeling very trapped in my living situation and with work. Everything has been leading to a dead end. To break out of this feeling, I decided to apply to college again to do an access course in social science because I think that counselling could be a passion of mine. I’ve been counselling myself my entire life so why not pass on ,y skills for people in need for that support.

However, the college still hasn’t got back in touch with me so I don’t think I’m gonna go to college. This means I got to go back to plan a again of getting out of my current house and move out with stinky. Which could take up to 2 years to save up so we can afford a decent place at least.

Everything is so expensive at the moment, I’m just lucky that stinky is on a decent wage. I’m not but I can afford to save up. Got to stop spending it on stupid things. I’ve made an investment this week on an iPad from CEX and I’m already in love with it. I don’t have a t.v in my room so a tablet is just the right for me right now.

Feeling pretty guilty about leaving my sister behind though. I would move out with her in a heart beat, we just don’t earn enough between us to figure it out. Besides I’m not looking to live in Lichfield for the rest of my life. I hate that tiny city, it’s so hard to live there. Everyone knows everyone so everyone is just in your business all the time. You’re not allowed to have secrets in Lichfield. Not that I have secrets, but if I did it wouldn’t be a secret anymore because everyone will eventually know about it. I swear it’s the only city in England which is stuck in the 1950’s.

I don’t really know what to do in the meantime other than to just get on with in.

[atinygoblin]

My annual leave ends this Saturday. I’ve had a good 17 days off. I managed to scam a couple of extra days, with simply how my shifts fell. I booked annual leave for my boyfriends birthday, to make sure I was there for it.

Basically, I gave him his first ever experience of a birth-week, just wanted to make sure it was all about him for a week. On his actual birthday, we spent it with his parents and brother just having a few drinks.

2nd day, Me, him and his brother went to see barbie. I’ve already watched it (ofc) and they loved it (ofc!)

I cried again. Barbie is going to become a comfort movie for me. Feeling really grown lately. Just really telling my age. I’m 22 but I feel like I’m not as young as I was when I was 19. Like I feel fully formed but now I have no idea what I’m meant to do with the rest of my life.

I did cry in the car. Started to have an existential crisis on the way home. I feel so far behind everyone, but like I feel like I’ve only just grew up. How do people even know how they like something? Everything changes. Nothing stays the same? Why plan your whole life out, when things will change?? You will change? Everything you’ve prepared for will inevitably change at some point and you start off at square 1. Do you do it all over again?

Sorry barbie makes me think.

Thinking that has completely overwhelmed me.

Saturday, he went to work and a had a day too myself. Thank god, because that Saturday was a trauma anniversary, so I was miserable. I did take a walk to the shops which helped me clear my head, did also cry on the walk to the shops too.

Sunday, he played at a punk festival with the band that his in ( they all slayyed ) but the headliners were buzzcocks. They were amazing, even if it is a glorified tribute band, I really enjoyed seeing them.

Monday, we took a walk round Bradgate park, which lady Jane grey lived. I really enjoyed the fact that it was me and stinky, just chatting shit and enjoying the sun. I love him so much. I did have to go home though on Monday.

I hate going home. Ofc because of my mum and dad. But it’s so boring here, the only good thing is that I get to see my sisters and pets.

I feel like I’ve just developed over a few months and I’ve just became super independent. When I’m home, that gets stripped away from be, but somehow expected not need anything.

One thing I’ve always struggled with, is restlessness. I’m a restless person, if I’m stuck in the same place for a little too long, I go feral. For example, on a bad day and hit myself and others around me. (I think this is me needing physical stimulation) I’m not always violent when restless, but I get agitated. You know that feeling when you’re that angry, and you get the urge to bite. Like that ache in your jaw that you get when you’re angry. I feel that when I’m restless. It’s just best for me to take a walk instead of biting everyone.

Being at home makes me constantly want to bite, hit and scream all the time. But I can’t, that’s what mentally unstable people do. Me, I’m a good girl, I go on a walk. It comes to my first day back at home and I’m restless. It’s time for a walk.

I go on my walk, and just burning that energy is making me feel so much more better. BUT NO. IM NEVER ALLOWED ANY PEACE EVER.

My mum calls me…moaning

Because I left the house for a few minutes. I was so angry. I literally can’t do anything. Whatever I do is wrong. Always the wrong choice.

Exhausted of trying to better myself when I’m at home. I’m starting to believe that my mum wants me struggle. She’s just coming in between me and myself. Only solution is to live a 2nd life

It’s been like that all week so far, anything I do is some how an inconvenience to my mum and dad. I would say it’s starting to annoy me but it started as soon as a came home. It’s been jarring since I came home.

[atinygoblin]

Not written in a while but it’s probably because I’m not miserable for once.

Things at home are always difficult, but I’ve just came to the fact that I’m just going to do everything myself.

Work is work, I’m not that bothered by it at the moment. Just glad that I’m on annual leave.

I miss my friends, but I really enjoy my own company. I’m just relaxing and I will see them soon.

Gone a bit obsessed with spiders so enjoy a tiny spider that was sat next to me on the train and me and stinky’s replica of a jumping spider in spoons :)

[atinygoblin]

Adult website and period tracker

[atinygoblin]

Hi barbie!

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Not sure if it’s been a week or two but I’m here now.

I watched barbie. I love barbie! I love the film, Greta Gerwig is a genius and now I would love to watch her other films too.

Barbie has given a lot more confidence, to know that I’m not alone in femininity. Pink is my favourite colour too, but I’ve not worn pink in ages. In my teens I wore so much pink so I just assumed that I grew out of it? Wearing pink to watch barbie was so liberating and it really hugged my inner child.

It’s re-inspired my femininity. I never lost it but it’s something I’ve had to ignore it to survive. Living right now is tough and some people that I work with reject femininity so I’ve just had to adapt so I can do my job and then come home.

Don’t like shoving my femininity aside, but it makes people uncomfortable.

I’m used to it.

I wasn’t allowed to like pink as a child. My dad said it was too girly and as a kid, you do what you’re told.it was the same as playing with barbie’s and dolls and literally anything that was deemed as girly. Then growing up, my rebellion was pink. It was such a statement again my dad but I got tired of fighting him.

Attending to the cinema, wearing pink was just perfect!

It felt a bit cosplayer, but I wasn’t really me watching it. It was the girl that was told that she wasn’t allowed to wear pink. Annnnd she loved it!

I know a lot of people really connected with the mother/daughter relationship that was presented through out the film, however it just highlighted the internalised misogyny that I was forced to grow up with. Although the film never had an explicit father/daughter message, I interpreted it that way because of the divide between the barbies and the Ken’s.

Since it was always an internal battle between whether I want to be me (barbie) or him (Ken). In reality, it was always a battle between him and himself. (Ken vs Ken)

Fathers.

Maybe I felt represented by the daughter in the film because she was rejecting femininity at first but in a way where she’s still being a feminist.

That was me in high school, all I learnt that being feminine was just for men because everything is made for them.

I was very brutal and very hostile toward femininity, when all I actually wanted to do was embrace it.

Barbie was meant to make you feel represented.

[atinygoblin]

Hiyaa!

Weekly summery; I’m off my period now so I no longer want to hurt myself and others which is a win. Finally back in neutral mode. It’s an exhausting cycle that happens every month. Sometime I wish I wasn’t regular so I could have a break for a month but I know it’s actually worse so I just got to make the best of what Mother Nature gives me.

I spent the weekend at my significant others again, his parents was on holiday this weekend. Now you might think we would have the house to ourselves but nope - his younger brother was with us. Never normally a problem because I get along with him but like we just had to do everything TOGETHER and it was just exhausting. I like my own time as it is, but at least I can be myself around stinky but it’s just difficult when you have his brother there.

We watch a k-film together. We’re all into cinema, and want to watch more foreign films. I’m into a lot of k-pop culture so I was more than excited to watch this film with them. I’ve not watched many films, but it’s really good to get involved in the subject. Having transferable skills from English literature/language, and applying that to films and art is really fun for me.

We watched Old boy.

I had no idea what to expect, I like going into things completely unknowing what’s going to happen. I take my judgement from the film title and film poster and I made the judgement of a mobster gangster film. And although that’s what the film was like, I was disgusted at the use of (trigger warning) incest in the film. Like any normal person. Incest is disgusting and gross and makes me uncomfortable. I understand why the film used that but it was just sickening to watch. I didn’t like it. Gross. Ew. No.

This opinion was apparently controversial, because it started an argument with his younger brother. What? I’m not the type of person to have my opinion silenced, especially by a man. The debated started and I was ready. I had points, evidence, explanations for my points. Then followed up with terminology and context. He didn’t. He didn’t like the fact I had a different take on the film, because ‘he knows films’ therefore ‘he is right’ but in reality he was just trying to belittle me. TRIED.

I was never mad at him for having a different opinion than me. I thought the acting was amazing, the sets were amazing, makeup, and outfits were all stunning. It wasn’t a bad film, it was just a gross film. The whole reason of the film was as to disgust you and it won. I was just not having it off him, it was embarrassing because stinkys friend came over and she had to stick up for me because she couldn’t understand why he was taking it so personally too.

At the end, we became friends again so no harm done. It was like arguing with a younger sibling and they stepped out of line a little bit.

I just hate when people think I’m stupid, especially with the way I react to things. But everything I do has reason and I’m not shy of explaining why. Justifying myself all the time is exhausting though.

[atinygoblin]

To sum up my week. It’s been a decent week. Not the best but it’s been a good 6.5/10 week.

Works been irritating, but the staff I’ve been on with have been amazing and they really keep the world turning. They’re really good at grounding me. We have a new woman working with us and I absolutely love her. I look up to her so much, she’s literally amazing. She cured my hiccups with a tea spoon of vinegar!? It was gross but I eat gherkins all the time so it was alright. It did get rid of my hiccups though! She’s a practicing Wiccan aswell, so I feel really comfortable in the fact that I’m pagan around her. I don’t actually sound crazy!

I got drunk Tuesday with my sister and my friend, F. It was just meant to be a few in the pub but we bumped into some of their mates and they were so funny! I actually had a good time. I did come home and cry to my mum about my dad but that’s minor.

I’m now at my boyfriends and one of his friends have left edibles sooooo I’ll talk soon.

[atinygoblin]