august-is-not-well

[august-is-not-well]

my heart hurts, aching for a girl that never showed me the affection i needed

and i cant sleep

[august-is-not-well]

i used to write poetry

i used to write

i acted like it was a privilege to be hurt

like the art was worth it

can i create without falling apart?

or do i always need to make new things out of pieces of myself?

[august-is-not-well]

how do i love for the first time again

i hate her so much

she haunts me

she never said the words back

and it hurts to never hear them

[august-is-not-well]

i told a hostess at work thank you for cleaning my tables and she said thank you for existing

idk if she meant it

but i liked hearing it

thank you meadow

[august-is-not-well]

i feel like taking a break from these things will make me lose things, interactions, potential acquaintances, moments ill never get to see

what am i if not a video game player, a live stream viewer, an internet friend

i dont know and it makes me sad

im not much

i dont do much

and it makes me sad

im struggling

idk how to get out of this hole

im paying off my debt

slowly

working slowly

crumbling slowly

idk

one day ill do things

one day ill make my dreams come true

ill just sleep for now til life hands me things

because thats how life works

im fucking dumb

[august-is-not-well]

i dont even remember how tumblr works, it was a trial to figure out how to unfollow accounts that havent been active for 5 years

im taking a break from more popular socials. idk if i have the strength for all that though, first world addictions. its not done me well, it hurts, it makes me overthink, it makes me sick

[august-is-not-well]

i dont have anyone to talk to about my sexuality so itll have to be you anon

ive settled on gynosexual i think but im not sure if im using that word right. I like the feminine, parts dont matter. i thought i was pansexual, but if anyone asked i was straight because my interests didnt deviate from the hetro norm outside of the internet. ive only been with cis girls, and i dont think thats a problem because it didnt matter all that much to me i just loved them. idk if being attracted to others means i have to experiment. ive never been read up on pride, movements, or the community in general ive just been me, isolated because i didnt feel like i belonged in any particular group with any particular label. and like am i supposed to be up front with partners about this stuff? say i get into a relationship with another girl like how do i / should i ever tell her that hey i like twinks also nothing personal babe. ?. its just i feel i have no one i emotionally connect with that i can talk to about these things and i feel so empty and bottled up at the same time

[august-is-not-well]

this can be a journal for now, idk if anyone would actually see it

hey anon, tonight im feeling sick and paranoid. and alone. why am i no ones priority? no one messages me first, no one asks how im doing out of the blue like i do them. do people even think about me? life is busy i guess, but idk if thats a cope to justify unequal effort put into relationships. i just want to be cared about. i want to be helped to heal. if i heal alone i feel like ill never be used to healing around others, always keeping my struggles internal, removing depth from future relationships because ill be used to feeling like no one cares and i shouldnt open up because they dont want me to