autumn42-0

[autumn42-0]

Everything I've ever said was an attempt

to point at the thing I could not name.

Sometimes I dream of being known not as a mirror, but as the full architecture of myself: the weight, the sharpness, all the noise I've ever swallowed

To live even one hour without being mistaken for a quieter, smaller person.

Not every wound needs a name, I suppose.

Some live in the way I over explain.

In how I stand too long at doors, deciding whether to knock or disappear.

There are absences I've kept alive by feeding them attention.

I am loyal, even to pain.

Especially to pain.

Not out of romance, but because it alone never pretended to be anything else.

[autumn42-0]

A text I wanted to send to my ex, but decided not to:

"I think I'm happier now, but it's hard to tell. The silence in my chest could be peace or just the echo of everything you left behind.

There's a lightness I haven't felt in months. Not joy, exactly.

Just the absence of needing your approval to feel okay.

Now the air is still. I wake up without wondering how you feel about me today. And that stillness feels a little like freedom.

You used to set the weather inside me, one cold word and I'd crumble like glass in your hands, trying to glue myself back together before you noticed the cracks.

I try to picture you beside me again would my heart leap or sink? Would I cry or feel nothing at all?

I think I'd look at you and feel the weight of what you were never willing to carry.

You say I treated you badly, that I never listened, never cared, unheard, like your pain didn't matter, but you never even told me what I was doing wrong.

But I remember how I tried, how I stayed up listening to your worries, how I held space for your silence, even when it swallowed me whole.

I did my best to comfort you, to meet you where you were, but you keep rewriting the past like none of that ever happened.

I did everything for you. I begged to know if I was doing anything wrong so I could change, but you never told me.

I remember, the way you slipped away without saying goodbye. The days you pulled me in, only to push me harder. The softness you offered when you needed me, then took back once I asked for the same.

I was the one who stayed even when I should've left. Who loved you quietly while you blamed me loudly.

And now?

Now I don't hate you.

I don't miss you either.

I've stopped asking why.

But you,

you still call me the villain.

Because I carry the truth like a scar and you carry silence like a shield.

You paint me as the bad guy so severely that I genuinely started to believe it. My father and the friends that you left behind helped me get back up.

So tell me what's your excuse for the damage you caused and the love you threw away like it was nothing?

What's your excuse for running off with someone else not even eight days after we broke up?"

[autumn42-0]

I understand now, theres probably gonna be less posts, i need time to heal and change, but ill post progress sometimes!!

[autumn42-0]

I genuinely wonder if they miss me or our relationship.

[autumn42-0]

I start shaking at the thought of you.

Why can't I forget you?

I just wanna heal.

I've almost killed myself so many times lately, its sad.

My mother would be disappointed in me if she saw who I am now.

There is no happy ending for me.

Everyone leaves; nobody ever stays long enough to heal me. It's always me helping them, or at least trying to, then they leave me to "heal by myself," when I've never known how to do that.

That exact fucking situation has happened 3 times now.

Everything I like is slowly fleeting.

Life has forever lost its color for me.

[autumn42-0]

The best revenge is none.

I'm gonna cry my soul out.

I'm gonna heal.

I'm gonna move on.

but I'll never become like the people that hurt me. I'll never, ever do to someone else what they did to me.

[autumn42-0]

[autumn42-0]

everywhere I go I'm constantly reminded of us. everything I see, it doesn't matter what. everything always brings a memory. right person, wrong time ig.

[autumn42-0]

I don't think I'll ever be able to genuinly date again. They became such an outline of my future, I don't know why I let myself trust and get so attached to them when I KNEW this wouldn't last forever.

I've accepted that I would die by my own hands since i was like 9, I knew that I would make it through every fight and every incident, but at the end of the day, I'm probably going to be the one to take my own life.

I'm never going to have a happy ending.

And I accept that.

[autumn42-0]

I rot.

Smoking my brain away.

Nothing better to do.

No one asks to hang out.

I hate summer.

I crave touch.

Yet I'm so so lonely.

I miss my ex.

[autumn42-0]

I wish I could restart everything.

From the beginning.

Maybe then I wouldn't be such a fuckup.

Lol!

[autumn42-0]

I still think about the night I told you i liked you btw

[autumn42-0]

They'd be in my 7 minutes, no matter how much I hate them.

[autumn42-0]

I'm still alive. I just don't have the will to do anything.

I'm somewhat out of a very bad depression

Now I'm just sitting in my room, facing my window. The sun is kissing the horizon goodnight, smoke filling the room and my lungs, and the only thing on my mind is them.

I miss them, I love them, but I hate them more.

But they don't miss me; they don't want me.

I just wish I could understand.

I have to learn how to function without them again.

It's been probably longer than 54 days, and I'm still not over them.

I'm realizing just how much I don't belong anywhere.

Im never going to fit in.

But on another note

I won the "I love you more" game.

And I also watched everything crash down, just as I said it would, just because I overthink too much.

[autumn42-0]

Prob decomposing and decaying rn <33

Blood stains all over my room from a mix between anger and sadness

Im just gonna end it all someday.

[autumn42-0]

Man I rlly am in a stage in my life where j don’t even care to give out explanations anymore. I js don’t see the point. Im dead inside, my brain can’t even make form sentences, so all I do is shrug now.

[autumn42-0]

oops