autumnbreeze44-blog

[autumnbreeze44-blog]

X&O

Dear X,

Im writing this to you more for myself than anything else I guess. There is so much I just needed you to know but what's funny is you will never read or hear or even know about this letter. I don't know how to start this off so let me try start it from the beginning.

I knew about you way before you knew about me, how creepy right, but I knew you through a friend and that night I called you pretending to have the wrong number, even though it's kind of like this letter I didn't know how to start it so I just jumped in, but that night changed the way I would look at life forever. Now I know it sounds really dramatic and all but if only you knew how true it was.

You were so nice to me in the beginning and the first time we met in person, at village which turns out would be the only time you would actually come and see me, well confession time I still had a boyfriend so I kinda did lie when I said I was single, but there was something about you something there that made me pick you, a complete stranger who would later fuck over my entire world, there was something there that made me pick you over him. Now this what confuses me is knowing how much you put me through all the hurt and the tears and everything else I would still pick you again.

It's at this moment I would like officially say fuck you, because you have successfully fucked me over completely because I don't know if I am capable to love anyone else the way I loved you, I say loved knowing fully well it's anything but past tense. You have worked you way into my everything like a cancer. Now the thing about cancer is it causes pain and destruction and very often death but it is still ones self. So as much I hate how you often made me feel you are now a part of me a part I can't cut out, but you were just like morphine too because when you were out of site you were out of my mind but only for a brief moment because I knew you were still there waiting, waiting like the boogieman under a child's bed.

You were one match stick and I, I was a gasoline pipe. Something so small that burnt my everything and my fire will only ever burn for you.

I hate you so much. Lol I laugh but it's true. I hate that you never loved me. I hate how you made me cry over you. It made me feel pathetic and worthless. I hate how I still cry over you. I hated that I couldn't tell people about us about you because I cared so much about what they would say. I hate how much of my time you wasted all those pointless trips to your house to do nothing all that wasted fuel for someone who couldn't even give two shits about me. I hate how you became my world and I didn't become yours. I hate how it was always me trying and you could just brush me off like I was dirt on your hand after playing outside. I hated how we had that romantic movie vibe down but left before we could get back to the cute ending. I hate that you're gone.

I hate how much I love you. Because we all know there is a fine line between loving someone and hating them, and I was always lost between the two worlds like a broken bit of driftwood lost at sea from a shipwreck that was us and that seems oh so far away now.

I loved how just as easily as you could make me cry you could make me laugh just as hard. I loved how I could see your pain through your perfectly blue eyes like for a second I could glimpse into your soul. Now I know I might have sold myself dreams here, but I loved how there was always a shimmer of hope when you looked at me. I love that you love kids especially your nephew. I loved the way you would hold me; your arms around my body how safe I felt and how when I was in your arms all my worries and pain and hurt would go away. I loved how you told you didn't want to let me go. I loved how you made my heart beat slow and fast at the same time. I loved how your dirty blond hair so soft and free fell over your face after you took a shower and I loved how it waved so gently in the breeze when it was dry. I loved how your lips felt on mine. I loved how you smelt of cigarettes and musky cologne. I loved how I had to be on my tippy toes to kiss you when we were standing. I loved the way you made me feel so alive.

You were exciting.

I didn't care that you didn't have a 6 pack or hit the gym. I didn't care that your spelling was really shitty because mine is too. I didn't care about the scar on your hands or that you always kept me waiting because you always knew what to say. I never cared.

I didn't ever want to loose you but you were never really mine to have to begin with. And it break my heart just writing this as I know one day someday you will look at another girl the way you looked at me, you will hold her in your arms and never let her go and you will kiss her with the same passion everyday as if it's the very first kiss, now just know I am bubbling with rage and breaking down with pain all at once about this girl who may, or may not, already exist; but if she makes you happy and is like sunshine to your day then I hope she never leaves you. I hope she is what I never was for you but you were always to me, because all I ever wanted and still want is for you to be happy and successful.

There was, well there still is, something about you that makes you so special. There is something about YOU that makes me a pessimistic girl believe in you and I wish you could believe in you, I wish you could have believed in us too.

Now I know we are worlds apart, and I might actually never see you again, but always know I loved you fully and deeply and I really hope that somewhere some way somehow someday our paths do collide again and That they never split. I hope next time, if there is a next time you will feel the way I felt about you.

Love now and always, O

[autumnbreeze44-blog]

Jäger shots and elephants in pink dresses

Dear bar tender,

Tonight the plan is to get drunk and dance, like all good nights should go so hey what do you say? Your drinks, my dollar bills? Your Jäger? My dollar bills? Your vodka cran? My dollar bill? But just to make you job a little easier I have already come from having predrinks so I'm already there. So let's get this party started. Now I know we would both assume I'm drunk at this point but I have been waiting for a drink for the past 44 minutes and 23seconds (not that I'm keeping track) and as of this point any and all alcohol that was in my system before has literally left the building. Ok so to be fair I know the thumping EDM music is really super loud and stuff but I know that you can hear me. These flashing neon lights must be making it a tad hard for you to see but I know you see me here waiting for a drink I mean how couldn't you I'm the black girl standing at a white bar but if not can’t you at least see the $20 bill I'm trying to give you. Or can you only see my black hand. Now I had originally come to the conclusion that you just hadn't seen me, then I got the idea that maybe you were already busy serving someone else but now let's stop lying to each other because we both know that blond girl with the nice legs wasn't beside me 51 minutes ago but now all of a sudden she is but hey you still saw her. I know you're avoiding me because you won't look me in the eye and for some reason you have pissed off to the other end of the bar and haven't looked  this way since I got here. WHY WONT YOU FUCKING LOOK HERE? I'm trying to give you my money. Just give me my drink and I'm gone. Instead you got me out here writing poetry in this now awfully humid club. Now I feel like I'm going fucking insane because maybe you are just busy but I watched you serve my Jasmine Shimmer friend, but maybe she is also turning a blind eye to the racism like all European Africans do so well, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room which happens to be, me. Whoa don't start getting defensive I haven't actually called you a racist yet. See so I know you're aren't racist because you have that 1 black friend, who yes seems like he is having an identity crisis because he bleaches his skin and straightens his hair and wears blue contacts but still happens to be your excuse as to why you're not racist. But sometimes your actions say other whys like. 1. even though "you're just joking" your  jokes about the shade of a persons skin still hurt. A joke is meant to be funny, I find them anything but amusing. 2.  you hide your racism as just having a preference. But when you say “any white girl who hooks up with a black guy is unattractive” Spoiler alert you're probably racist. 3. Your narrow mind fails to see through to the quality of a person but stops at skin deep because whoaaa their black. 4. Because Black must stick with black and white must stick with white who needs grey or green or purple or orange right. It's only 2016. 5. You refuse to serve me because the pigment of my skin happens to be Toasted Terracotta.

6. Because you think that if you turn slander into slang it makes everything ok right? Wrong You may call me black but I am anything but the colour of the black ink of hate stained across your heart. You may think you're white but I have seen eggs paler than the thin layer of tissue you call skin. I will not let you identify me as something I'm not. I am not a baby mama or a thug  or a statistic. I am an individual. Oh you look really mad now… did I strike a nerve. I shouldn't have since quote "I'm not racist but…" why the but. You either are or you're not. All I wanted a was a fucking drink.