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tumblr still exists huh, guess i’m relapsn and i’ll use here to vent. a lot has changed and yet i still resort to this for comfort n control

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8/8

bad day today. gained maybe 10lbs

losing weight the right way. flipping the switch to restriction. going to make a grocery list for when we do groceries again, probably within 3 days.

my biggest motivation is

1) shame

2) i love my mom and want her to be happy

3) want to regain control

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Things I’ve picked up along the way

Here’s some tips & calculations I’ve acquired over the past few months!

Tips

• stay hydrated!! 💦 Drinking more water actually makes your metabolism faster. Your metabolism is all the chemical reactions taking place in your body keeping you alive - specifically, catabolism (catabolic reactions) is responsible for converting food into energy. Proper hydration improves the transport of glucose to your cells and also improves sensitivity to insulin, which speeds up weight loss. I normally drink 2L of plain water per day, then a few cups of tea on top of that.

Drinking 0.5 litres of water is shown to increase resting metabolism by 10-30% for up to an hour. Bonus - cold water will burn even more calories as your body uses energy to warm it up.

• caffeine ☕️  will boost your metabolic rate and increase fat burning, BUT don’t drink too much. 500mg or more caffeine in one day (around 5 cups of coffee) is enough to have a significant diuretic effect. This means that it increases urine production in your kidneys to the extent where it may dehydrate you. For every cup of coffee or green tea you have, pair it with a glass of water. Drinking too much coffee can also cause your body to become tolerant to caffeine intake, meaning the positive effects on your metabolism will be lost.

• spicy food 🌶 hot foods containing peppers provide capsaicin, which boosts your metabolism! Plus, if it’s really spicy, you’re more likely to finish eating sooner and eat less overall.

• probiotics 💊 by taking probiotics, you increase the number of and diversity of ‘friendly’ bacteria 🦠 in your gut. These bacteria help you to digest food properly, and low diversity of these bacteria in your gut can contribute to weight gain. Probiotics containing strains of Lactobacillus can also help with reduction of body fat, as studies have found individuals to lose an average of 3-4% body fat over 6 weeks, and in another case 8.2-8.5% of belly fat over 12 weeks.

• take your vitamins & meds 🍊 to help make sure your body gets the nutrients it needs (minus the excess calories) take multivitamins. Specifically, vitamins B12 & Iron help to maintain a healthy metabolism and will stop you getting so dizzy. Vitamin C is also good for keeping up your immune system, which would otherwise be difficult if you’re malnourished.

If you’ve been prescribed antidepressants, take them. It’s easier to overeat when you’re down. Plus some antidepressants (e.g. citalopram) reduce your appetite significantly.

• HIIT training 🏃🏻‍♀️ intervals of walking / jogging followed by 30 second sprints are better for fat burning than low intensity, long jogs.

Your body’s aim is to maintain its energy stores, so it wants you to perform in the most efficient way. Like driving a car, repeated sudden & rapid acceleration uses more fuel. Your body will also continue to burn calories at a higher rate for hours after a HIIT workout, due to the replacement of your depleted oxygen levels after sprints. This wouldn’t be the case if your workout only included steady state cardio.

• sleep 💤 not getting enough sleep can slow down your metabolism by reducing your cell’s sensitivity to insulin. It also increases the hormone that causes hunger (ghrelin) and decreases the hormone that makes you feel full (leptin).

• try to eat fewer than 100g of carbs per day, regardless of your calorie goal 🍞

• reduce sodium intake🧂 and increase potassium intake 🍌 to decrease water retention!

• vitamin B6, dandelion extract and magnesium 🌼 also decrease water retention.

•  jelly 🍓 - Hartley’s have a ‘10 cal’ range of jellies in loads of different flavours, each pot being a maximum of 10 calories! Most flavours are less than that though, my favourite being the raspberry at 3cals per pot 

•  miso soup!! 🥣 Miso is super good for you, it has loads of different vitamins and probiotics which aid digestion (as mentioned above!) Its also only 21 calories per bowl. It tastes pretty good, but it smells disgusting, which is great for curbing your appetite afterwards. 

You can mix miso paste with hot water, or brands like itsu sell individual soup sachets. I prefer the sachets as I feel more sure of the calorie content.

•  Shirataki noodles ����- these are white, almost translucent noodles which are made from glucomannan (a fibre which causes weight loss!) and contain no digestible carbs. The brand I buy is called Barebaked Noodles - there is 2 servings in one bag at 15 cals each. I normally mix up some chicken or beef stock and mix the noodles in after cooking them.

•  Rice crackers with Dairylea spread 🧀 are amazing. There are 26 calories in each lightly salted rice cracker, and only 50 cals in a serving of the cheese spread (which normally covers two crackers for me)

• protein �� I know we’re all terrified of protein for fear we might get bulky or even just maintain muscle that we don’t want - but by eating a small amount of protein per day, that won’t happen. By not consuming enough protein as well as being malnourished, you risk your hair falling out. Your hair is made up of a protein called keratin, and it’s also not necessary for survival. As I mentioned above, your body’s aim is to function as efficiently as possible for survival - so when nutrients are scarce, it will only do what’s necessary - which doesn’t include hair growth.

In one egg white, there’s 17 calories and 4g of protein. Even just a small amount will help maintain your metabolism somewhat, and could prevent hair loss.

• keep a rubber band around your wrist. If you feel the urge to binge, gently pull it back and snap it against the back of your forearm. Don’t do this too hard or you might break your skin and I’m not encouraging self harm here! If you do this each time you feel the impulsive urges to eat everything in sight, you’ll slowly start to condition yourself out of overeating.

• keep a food diary, and record your feelings before & after each meal, especially binges. You’ll start to see a trend and identify your fear / trigger foods. Knowing that you will need to write down your feelings after eating will also discourage you from a binge before it happens, as you already know how it ends. 📔

Calculations

• 1lb of fat is equal to 3500 calories - this is the amount you need to be in deficit by to lose 1lb of fat.

• your BMR (basal metabolic rate) is the amount of calories you will naturally burn each day without exercising. You can calculate it using these formulae:

Men: 88.362 + (13.397 x weight in kg) + (4.799 x height in cm) - (5.677 x age)

Women: 447.593 + (9.247 x weight in kg) + (3.908 x height in cm) - (4.330 x age)

• to convert lbs to kg, divide by 2.2 :)

• METs (metabolic equivalent of task) are like a measure of the intensity of a workout, or energy expenditure compared with when just sitting doing nothing.

You can google the MET of a particular workout (e.g jumping jacks) and use this to calculate how many calories you’ll burn per minute. Here’s the formula for that:

( MET x 3.5 x your weight in kg ) / 200 = cals burned per minute

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Hope these are useful! Stay safe everyone 💛🌸

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2/22

did well today. showed restraint by leaving some binge food for later. not much else to say. worked my ass off today.

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2/20

morning. need to lose weight. and i can. and i will. and i am.

goals:

lose 5 lbs

smaller and less frequent binges (1/day)

(clean) sleep in my room.

< 500 calories when restricting

why am i so motivated in the mornings and then practically the moment i get out of work, i act like i never had any plans or goals for myself?

9 am and i’m already on frickin break. damn yo. my mom isn’t answering my texts and it’s making me anxious. the last thing i need is for her to see the state of my room.

today was great and then started to suck after i decided to go out and buy food. it sucked after that.

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2/16

well i’m thinking about quitting today. Today was really difficul. So it’s about 4 PM now almost 4 PM I just got out of work well just got home after mommy pick me up and currently I’m heading to Umai dollar general so that I can pick up on a lot of food so I can been but I’m going to see if after I get the food I can go to the park for a little bit so that my fast is longer basically just delayed eating for as long as possible also because mommy is going to pick what we’re having for dinner and then we have to go out and get that and I don’t want to have to eat food and then mommy says we’re going out and then worry about purging before that you know rather just start off on a clean slate6:13 pm eating, breaking the fast, with panera chips.

fell asleep after binging, gained weight again today HAJAHSH

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2/11

weighed in at 104.8 today, which is .4 gain in one day.

WHY? i feel like i LOOK as thin or thinner than yesterday. then again. i did not exactly purge quickly yesterday. from start to finish it was 4:20 hours.

3:30 pm. ive been working non stop since 10 am. finally sitting down and having a break now. i’m gettting anxious, possibly from the amount of soda i’ve been drinking. no idea whats for dinner tonight.

here’s a cool thing: i’m probably going to have to start wearing a belt because my pants keep sliding down to my hips and won’t stay up. there’s such a big space in the waistband compared to when i got this uniform a month ago. crazy. crazy awesome.

6:30 just got off work. long and crazy fuckin day. glad i’m off. we’re getting chinese food now.

9:30 finished purging. i look really bloated after having purged. ( i flushed and i think i was very thorough) what the fuuuuck. i’m hoping i haven’t gained. going to weigh myself tomorrow

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1/10

bped at 3 am last night. weighed in; 104.1 again. it’s 8:40, i smell bad because i haven’t showered in like 3 days. i’m going to perfume myself and hope no one smells me.

my other hope is that my mom doesn’t go in to my room yet.

12 pm, i’m on break. i don’t like the manager today. thank fuck for my short shift today.

just got off work at 5 pm. today was craaaaaazy! fuck man. i ran front counter on my own with 1 other person. not good times. at least it’s over now.

10 pm, bped, going to sleep.

my mom: *lifts me up so i can reach a light switch*

afterwards: “by the way, you’re too skinny, i can feel your pelvis. it’s horrifying. you need to start eating and stop throwing up because you’re going to pass out at that job”.

sigh. time to start wearing baggy clothes and layers when i’m with my mom.

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1/9

whoa. this morning i weighed in at 104.1. YAAAAAAAAAAAY. that’s my new lw, since like last year.

5:15, i got off work at 3 and i have a bunch of food YEEE. also at work, this guy said i was really skinny. (“as skinny as you are-“ and he himself has always been very thin. so it felt fucking amazing.

i’m about to eat now.

9 pm, officially purged now. going to bed. have a 10 am- 5 pm shift tomorrow. i’m going to clean my room in the morning because it’s messy and has visible binge residue. i body checked after purging and i like how my body is starting to look. i get paid tomorrow and i’m supremely nervous to see my paycheck, but also excited because any money is still more than no money.

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1/8

very very weird dreams/ nightmares. i woke up at 3 am but luckily i managed to fall back asleep.

9:20, i’m on break now. going well at work, being assigned more tasks/ duties. and i saw my new schedule- it looks good.

oh also have to mention— i didn’t weigh myself today, but my uniform fits me significantly looser than when i started working here. i’m guessing i weigh 107-108, and my current goal is 103.

8:30 pm just finished bping and my tummy is fucking roiling and full and i have post purge syndrome. i have another 7-3pm tomorrow.

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1/7

i’m actually looking forward to work today, after two days off.

9:20 i’m on break. had my 2 cups of coffee so far, 1 at home and 1 at work. i’m having a decaf now and am slowly drinking my lemon water.

not thinking about my thoughts and feelings too much, just want to focus on doing my job.

4:50. off work. worked hard. feels good.

8 pm. binged and purged. it was a lot of food. doesn’t feel good. feels really bad.

mom and i won 78.50 in a raffle. cooool!

i get my schedule for next week tomorrow. 😬

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2/1

108.8

happy february! my dreams were kind of enjoyable even if i don’t remember them much. my weight is lower today but i think it’s just dehydration and the fact that i went #2, because i look and feel fatter.

shorter shift today, woo. probably going to get food when i get home after work. haha. kill me.

8:30 they sent me on break already. and i saw my schedule , i have wednesday and thursday off again.

i’ve got 6 hours left on the clock. i want to switch to part time honestly, that’s how i feel right now. idk

9:30 was so exhausted after work today. beyond exhausted. i kept nearly falling asleep. i just crawled into bed when i got home.

i went out to bp and the first few bites of sausage i took were like heaven, so satisfying. but after i was no longer hungry, eating wasn’t satisfying at all. if i were simply eating under my tdee i could eat satisfyingly. stupid.

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1/31

109.5

got lots of sleep but had a terrible terrible nightmare. cathartic in a way, in retrospect. i feel anxious and distracted: i’m not sure whether i want to bp or restrict today. ugh. why is it so hard the next day to stick to my ideal? just restrict! i’d lose more than i would bping!

9:40 am i’m on break now. too soon.

i have like 8 hours left...shit. imma probably dumpster dive today.

not dumpster diving but i did buy a bunch of snack foods in addition to one of my fav dinners, yay.

9:30, binged purged did not shower. had diarrhea. ugh. have a FEELING i will have gained tomorrow.

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1/30

i don’t wanna go to work today. but my days off have consisted of eating ridiculously. i mean i got 16000 steps yesterday but that doesn’t really cancel it out at all. i also spent a lot of money...

11:30. on break. the day is going very well so far imo. won’t let anything get me down.

omg i only have less than 5 hours left!! no way.

4 pm, just got off. there was an accident so my mom is going to be late. i’m waiting by the roadside.

just went to aldi’s , bought dinner. as usual after work, not hungry but i’m going to binge and purge anyways.

9 pm i’ve purged showered and washed my hair. i don’t feel good. i haven’t been losing weight since i started working. i haven’t been losing weight since i’ve returned from ny for christmas (i’ve in fact gained 5 lbs). the common denominator is i haven’t stopped bping. am i ready to stop? not completely no. am i ready to restrict 80% of the time? yes.

here are the goals i’m setting for myself. the good thing about them is they will coincide with my work schedule, so they will be easy to follow.

1. 2 cups of coffee upon waking, followed by a multi. up to three cups of coffee at work. 5-6 cups total.

2. never eat at work.

3. drink water, if you can.

4. move around a lot, sweep, lift heavy things. never be idle at work.

5. one meal at home- log calories and log fast before eating.

6. aim for 1000 calories a day at the high end, 600 at the low end.

7. no restrictions on type of food- carbs, meat, veggies, soy, dairy- all is allowed as long as it fits the calorie goal.

8. weigh yourself 2x week.

9. believe and be nice with yourself and others.

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To wear clothes that just fall and not cling on to your skin or get stuck in your rolls of fat.

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1/27

i can’t fucking sleep. my jaw feels tense and hurts.

okay so i don’t want to make any decisions before 5 am, but today might be the worst day ever.

i got like an hour of sleep total, and i weighed myself, and i weigh 110.5. possibly food weight because i’ve been bloated for a long time, but still shitty. my bank account was just loaded and i have 228.70, which is honestly a lot less than i expected to get?

okay.

there will be days like this. days where i don’t sleep and feel like shit. i can still handle it.

the money, even if it’s not as much as i expected, is 228 more dollars than i had before this week, and it’s all my own.

and my weight, i guess 110.5 is better than 115 or something. i’m going to do my best today to not binge and purge. my goals today are:

go to work

finish work

get a salad at work

get home

nap

if i wake up/ am hungry, eat a salad

do not buy food and decline any binging temptations from your brain.

i can do it. i can. i will feel better if i eat healthy food i enjoy.

8:30, i’m on break now. feeling way way way less tired than i was earlier. back cash is stressful on my own but it’s alright overall, i still prefer it to front register.

3 pm, just got off work. worst day ever!!! legit!!! want to die!!!

i’m going to fucking buy food and binge and purge within 40ish minutes. that’s the only requirement bitch just don’t wait to purge.

6 pm. didn’t buy food. purged. going to try and sleep now . i guess.