avengrsoneshots

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“I don’t need anyone to protect me. Nor you nor anyone else.”

“Thanks for your concern but to be honest, I’m the most dangerous thing here. In any case, you should be worried about yourselves.”

“If you ever underestimate me again you’ll get a bullet in the chest even before you see me pull the trigger.”

“You say you don’t need me, but I disappear for less than an hour and you’re already messy and bleeding.”

“I’m not going to fight you, okay? Just go home already, it’s probably past your bedtime.”

“Stop bleeding, will you? You’re ruining my carpet.”

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some of you have never flown a bomb through a wormhole to save new york and it it shows

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ADHD peter doodles cus why not I love this headcannon

1) Peter experiencing that relatable adderall mood

2) adhd rants WEAPONIZED

3) HYPERFOCUS PARTY!!! (tony also has adhd) (they’ve been in the lab for 8 hours)

4) overstimulation SUCKS!!!! esp when you have superpowers that make it worse!!

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tumblr i am literally begging you to let me reblog your shitpost ads

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I’m speechless lol

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Peter: Fill your body with cranberries so the horse that kills you gets a sensual surprise when he begins to feed.

Tony: I will give the horse that kills me no such luxury.

Stephen:

Stephen: what the fuck

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Tony: and how do you handle pressure?

Peter: when a car is on top of me, I make sure I lift with my knees.

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oh god what did i do

IT SUMMONS MAIL EVERYONE TRY IT

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Peter Parker and Gen Z Humor

Ned: do you put the milk first or the cereal first?

MJ: Cereal obviously.

Peter: I put bleach first

Tony: Kid, do we need to talk?

~~

Tony: I wanted to be a millionaire when I grew up

Ned: I wanted to be able to afford a house

Peter: I hope I die before I graduate high school

Tony: You alright, bud?

~~

Article online: These best friends haven’t seen each other in 3 months and made each other PowerPoints in how their lives had changed! Tag a friend you’d make a Power Point for!

Peter: @ ned, mine would just be 10 slides saying how I haven’t killed myself yet lmao <3

Tony: *commenting on Peter’s comment* hey kid, come down stairs, we need to chat

~~

Peter: *to Tony* I don’t the the relationship between gen z and millennials is comparable to the relationship between baby boomers and millennials

Tony: what do you mean?

Peter: you’re older sibling telling you you’re an idiot for eating laundry detergent just isn’t the same as your parents betraying you for not having a job in a shirt economy

Tony: Pete-

~~

Steve: things should stay just as they were

Tony: nah, it kinda sucked. We should make a change

Peter: safety is an illusion, freedom is a mirage. Control over your own destiny? That’s something your parents teach you to make you feel better about your future.

Tony: who hurt you

~~

Tony: lol I wish I was dead

Peter: you think shocked jokes are your ally? You merely adopted the dark sense of humor. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn’t see happiness until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me.

Tony: kid you’ve gotta stop

~~

Some random ass Gen X: depression isn’t really sweetly :) just go on a diet and grow up.

Tony: I mean mental health is very important and we should all be educate-

Peter: *rolling in on a skateboard* what’s up fuckers? I’m here and queer and ready to Fucking die lmao

Tony: Peter is this a cry for help?

~~

Peter: hi do you take walk ins?

The morgue: what.

~~

Killer on the phone with Peter: I’m in ur house and I will kill you

Peter: alright hurry up then

Killer: wait-

~~

Peter: can’t wait to put my fork in these <333

Peter: *points to pancakes*

Peter: *points to pie*

Peter: *points to electrical outlet*

Peter: *points to spaghetti*

Tony: that’s concerning.

~~

Bucky: millennials are what’s ruining America

Tony: that’s where you’re wrong, it’s the Gen Z kids.

Peter: oof shots fired, that’s some hot tea *yeets away*

~~

Tony: Pete, making jokes about suicide won’t cure your depression. I can help you, pay for counselin-

Peter: MAkiNg jOkEs aBOuT sUiciDE WoN’T cUrE yOuR dEPreSsiOn

~~

Peter: In case you wanted to know what modern high school dances are like, at mine despacito came on everyone and t-posed around this one kid while he fortnite danced like his life depended on it.

Peter:

Peter: war has changed.

~~

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Avengers as Vines (Pt.3) *Rare Edition*

Natasha: look it

Natasha: It’s fricken bats

Natasha: I love Halloween

~~

MJ: What did you do.

Ned: I shaved my eyebrows

MJ: Why did you do that?!

Ned: I don’t know!

~~

Truck:

Steve: *jumps on top of truck*

Steve: Nah hold it! You messin with my truck?

Steve: *swinging nunchucks* YOU MESSIN WITH MY TRUCK?

~~

Tony: *runs up to peter*

Peter: Daddy?

Tony: DO I LOOK-

~~

911: 911, is it an emergency?

Peter: no

911: Ok... what is it?

Peter: it’S DIGORNO

~~

Steve: Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and-

Sam: Wait. Why does Bucky have so many titles of soap?

Bucky: MIND YO BUSINESS SAMUEL.

~~

Pepper: *runs inside* WHY ARENT THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?

Tony: wtf does that even mean?

~~

Teacher: What’d y’all get for number 5?

MJ: I got 18

Ned: I got 945

Peter: I got Abraham Lincoln...

~~

Clint: have you ever had a dream that you um you have you would... uh you could. you do... you want you. You could you you want him to do you so much you could do anything?

~~

Shuri: I am confusion.

Shuri: why is this this one pronounced Kansas but this one is not pronounced Are-Kansas?

Shuri: EXPLAIN AMERICA. EXPLAIN.

~~

Bucky: I think I... I think I know more about American girl dolls than you do, genius.

Tony: Oh yeah?-

~~

Peter: ooh I like ur accent, where u from?

Guy: I’m Liberian

Peter: oh my bad

Peter: *whispering* i like ur accent, where u from?

~~

Natasha: *driving*

Clint: *eating a McFlurry*

Natasha: *hits brakes quickly*

Clint: *accidentally D E E P T H O A T S his spoon*

Clint: TASHA!

~~

Tony: *trying to related to Gen Z culture*

Tony: we up in this crunk fuqin to get fixed. Eyebrows on bitch, da flick.

~~

Enjoy heathens <3

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I fucking love tumblr, because you log on and the first post you see is all serious and people protesting against social injustices and getting mad at discrimination and then you scroll down and the next post is something like ‘im going to eat your fucking house uwu’ and its like okay then cool

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H OW WOULD TONY REACT TO A CRYING KID???

omg dad mode activATED *BOOP*

Tony would be at a university science exhibit, looking for some innovative science projects to fund 

jk he funds all of them but he still likes to see all the great stuff the youth is up to

this is how Tony liked to spend some of his weekends, browsing university science fairs with rhodey

having a good time. doing TonyRhodey things

playing around with science projects

then he spots a child in the midst of the crowds, by themselves just crying

not like ugly yelling crying

no

more like silent tears and quiet whimpering, scanning the crowd of strange faces with anxiety in their eyes

Tony’s father instincts kick in and he rushes over to the weeping child

leaving Rhodey all by himself

Rhodey doesn’t even notice that Tony is gone. That’s how quick Tony slipped through the crowd to get to them

he gets to the child and crouches down so that he’s eye level with them

“What’s up little guy? What’s your name?”, he asks them

Keep reading

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Peter: WELCOME TO FUCKING APPLEBEE’S, DO YOU WANT APPLES OR BEES

Tony: …bees?

Peter: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES

Tony: wait-

Ned: [approaches shaking a jar of bees]

Tony: WAIT-

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Peter: I like to keep my metabolism on its toes. Like, whats it gonna be today… complete starvation or 8,000 calories

Tony: …

Peter: …

Tony: …kid wtf

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Tom Holland does Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lip Sync Battle