basicthoughts

[basicthoughts]

I wanted to try and get in contact with her to get closure and to apologize but do I really need her to tell me she left because I didn’t do anything nice for her? Do I need her to tell me that I didn’t take her on any dates? Do I need her to tell me I didn’t spend my moments with her being sweet? Do I need her to tell me I didn’t plan any trips to take with her? Do I need her to tell me I didn’t make time for her when she would facetime me? Do I need her to tell me that I didn’t out of the blue give her flowers? Do I need her to tell me that I didn’t ask what she needed out of a relationship? That I didn’t help nurture her growth as a person? That I didn’t really dig into her love language? What did I bring to the table in a the relationship? What did I do but simply exist near her and not get anywhere or do anything in my own life.

What I was I to her except an emotional black hole? Taking all the love and kindness and silly little moments and give her nothing in return but callous indifference.

This isn’t me lamenting that I’ll never be with her again(yes it is). I truly think that she’ll be better off without me. Someone will be with her and GIVE love and kindness and all the things she needs. Someone who she will be obsessed with and will obsess over her in turn. What I’m lamenting is that I didn’t even try. I never try. I always pull out right at the most difficult urgent moment.

[basicthoughts]

I keep thinking that if only I get this next thing I’ll be able to relax. Once I get straight A’s I’ll be able to relax. Once I get accepted into a college I’ll be able to relax. Once I get a degree, a job, a girlfriend then I’ll be content. I just have to push through this hard part I’ll be happy. Then I shift the goalposts again

[basicthoughts]

poorly written stream of thought:

I need to acknowledge that I’m still hung up on my former relationship. I ask over and over again to myself; what could I have done differently? What was the straw that broke the camels back? How did I fail so hard that she felt like she needed to break up with me rather than try to talk it through?

I know I must have been doing something fundamentally wrong if she chose that. The part that annoys me about myself is that I felt it coming and didn’t do anything to try to stop it. At various points in the months leading up to it I thought in my head, “we should consider getting couples therapy because I don’t know what to do.” But I was too scared to bring it up.

I let overwhelming emotions get in the way of making sound decisions after we broke up. I know that all the decisions we make as people are in part influenced by our emotional state. I said to her that I wished she had talked to me about the problems in our relationship before she broke up with me. But in doing that I didn’t acknowledge that I knew our relationship was in trouble and didn’t ask to talk.

[basicthoughts]

Mornings have been nicer since I started doing the friendly good morning thing to my parents.

[basicthoughts]

Gotta remind myself so I don't get mad or sad that... Shit talked on me is well deserved tbh.

[basicthoughts]

Having a job where I have to communicate ideas and concepts clearly and concisely has really opened my eyes to what a poor communicator I actually am.

[basicthoughts]

75% sure I farted really loud in zoom unmuted and no one said a word

[basicthoughts]

If your ex is named after a continent you end up being reminded of her a lot more than your average ex.

[basicthoughts]

Trying to make saying “good morning” and smiling every morning a habit. It honestly feels kind of pathetic that this is my starting point but I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

[basicthoughts]

Things I notice I don’t do:

use peoples names when I talk to them

when I was at work there were days I didn’t say hi to people

say good morning to people I live with

put effort into conversation

try to understand the people I talk to

remember anyone's names

make people in my life feel important and loved

I was already like this but being inside for covid and avoiding people definitely made it worse. It’s no wonder I can’t keep friends and my ex left me. I have a lot of work to do to fix this. I do want to someday apologize to her. No one should be made to feel so alone and unwanted. Especially in a relationship.

[basicthoughts]

It's a bit confusing but if those tests are accurate then a LOT of things in my life will make a little bit more sense. Or I could actually just be an asshole who's looking for something to blame his assholery on.

[basicthoughts]

So I took some online autism self tests on a whim and got scores similar to people with autism. That doesn't mean I'm actually on the spectrum but I definitely should get a real life evaluation.

Autism spectrum quotient – 27

Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised – 132

[basicthoughts]

I really am just some guy tho

[basicthoughts]

Took an Enneagram personality test. I basically tied in type 9w1 and 5w6. The test said it's too close to call and to pick the one I feel I most identify with but I think I identify stronly with both...

[basicthoughts]

Aw fuck, bell hooks died

[basicthoughts]

Uh, maybe I don't have a good personality and I'm just quiet with a pleasant demeanor.

[basicthoughts]

Tales of Being a Shitty Partner: part 1

That time she was showing me things she learned on piano and asking me for help in figuring out how to play something else. I hurried her along and got annoyed we weren’t watching some TV show.

She was showing me something she was proud of and asking me for help in learning music, something we were both interested in. I didn’t even care that much about the show we were watching together.

When your partner is showing you something that they worked on and are proud of don’t ignore it and try to move on to doing something else.