bdcxxi

[bdcxxi]

ma

I know that lately there have been plenty of days where I just lock myself in my room... I go on days being in the same house as you but you still don’t manage to see me. You can’t even have a conversation with me without the attitude in my voice, the annoyed tone and such little patience. 

I still have days where if too much sadness comes over me, I still manage to think about how you would feel... or how you have felt lately. I bet you feel just as alone as I do. I bet you’re frustrated how we’re all in one house but we’re different worlds apart. I can’t imagine the loneliness you feel, ma. Because even on your days off, we’re the ones out of the house. We don’t even try with you, we don’t consider your feelings, we don’t bond with you... and every time I feel like this all I could do is cry. Cry because of the uncertainty we have with time, but we spend the majority of our days like this anyways. Cry because every time someone loses a loved one, I get shaken to my core from thinking of the day if ever... you did go. *knocks on wood every chance I get*

I remember being a kid and you were only in your 40s by then. I prayed to God every night to reverse your age so you would never reach 100; I just naturally thought that’s the only cause of death - reaching 100/old age. I never want(ed) you to reach 100 because you’re the reason I’m in this world, so how could I carry on living in it without you? 

It scares me even more when coming to terms of my age and accomplishments. By now I could’ve sworn you retired and we’d be the ones taking care of you... so that you can finally rest and enjoy your days however you want. Maybe go to every botanical garden, every flower field possible. But in reality, we’re still the ones borrowing money off you just to bounce back from the instability of our own situations. 

I have so much to make up for when it comes to you, ma. I know I do. I’m not as vocal with you as you’d like me to be, you only get the occasional ‘I love you’ when I’m about to leave the house. Truthfully, I should be telling you everyday we get. As I grow I now understand that getting to wake up to a new day is a blessing... because we just never really know. 

I’m independent and I stand for that, but the slightest thought of you tears down all my walls and I find myself crying on my knees. Your love is so strong that it fuels and breaks me.

Dito ka lang. Konti pa... 

[bdcxxi]

This is for the nights where my existence craves your being. Where my feelings are so in force that every atom absorbs it entirely. Where my cup seems to overflow and I’m just so eager to let it rush onto you. Where every part of me longs to intertwine with yours. Where I am convinced that every love song was made for us - yet so frustrated that there isn’t one so perfect made for us yet. Where every heart beat is in sync with the letters of your name. Where the quiet night lingers around every syllable of your sweetest lullabies.

This is for the nights where my whole existence knows nothing else but yours.

- making it through 3am’s

[bdcxxi]

My Once In A Lifetime.

You’re the type of person one would consider a blessing and a curse all at once. It’s a blessing to have known such a soul like yours, it’s a curse that everything beyond our control allowed me to let you slip right through my fingertips. Yet everything still gravitates towards you. I’d like to think every person was placed in my life for a reason or for a lesson. I’d like to think you’re the good karma I got in this life because I did something so right in my past one. I’d like to think that I was also damned because no matter how much we try, this world just has a way of separating us. This lifetime has its way of convincing me that you’re not the supposed to be my constant in a world full of temporaries.

So here’s to everything left unsaid. In the next lifetime, maybe it’ll be us. No hesitations or reservations. No doubts. The world will rotate around our axis, stars will align with every word and maybe, just maybe... The universe will be on our side too.

[bdcxxi]

The difference between you and me.

You relied on 11:11’s and shooting stars while I relied on prayers and faith.

I was just a star in your sky, a chance with your luck. You were the very thing I believed in, my saving grace.

Just know that my God is stronger than your genies.

Some people would go above and beyond for someone who wouldn’t even cross a line...

It just serves as a reminder that I deserve someone who prays for me too.

[bdcxxi]

But when we’re not it’s like everything is damned. It’s like the world is about to fall on me all at once... It drains all the colour and life out of everything. It’s where we find out how much we’re willing to fight for us.

[bdcxxi]

Why are you everywhere even when we didn’t get anywhere?

[bdcxxi]

Oh how I’ve missed hearing your voice and the ease it brings.

[bdcxxi]

Love is supposed to be effortless.

[bdcxxi]

I want people to know the parts of you that I fell in love with.

[bdcxxi]

Here’s to all the sunsets we didn’t chase and all the broken promises we made.

[bdcxxi]

Because home was never a place, it was never just within four walls. It was your arms.

[bdcxxi]

It was such a high, but it was even more of a downfall.

[bdcxxi]

I know you deserve an explanation. But giving an explanation is tiring too. That’s selfish on my part, I know. But trust me... I can only get more selfish from now on.

[bdcxxi]

Put me in a room; any room. Then fill up that room with people. Fill it up with so many people for the atmosphere to be filled with a little bit of everything. Let me see those who are in this lucidness of a bubble so-called ‘love’. Let me see the complexity of a broken soul and what it takes to be whole. Let me see the doubt of a lost mind and watch them question their being. Let me be surrounded in so much rarity, let me be inundated with so much depth that I wouldn’t want to recover. Let me take it all in so that whenever I am in a room filled with so much force, I’d be able to let my heart ache with the gravity each one brings.

[bdcxxi]

This marks the day where I’ll no longer have anything to remind me of you.

I cleared my whole gallery and even my back up from our very first and last memory. Every screenshot of our chat that made my heart flutter more than the usual. Every selfie we spontaneously took the whole time we were together. But this one will always be my favourite: it was 2am and we took a bus journey somewhere - anywhere. You held me and I just thought to myself ‘if I took a picture maybe this will last longer’. All of that... gone.

My heart ached having to go through our memories again. I used to complain how we didn’t take enough photos, but all I found myself saying was ‘why the hell did we take so much?’ when I had to delete them one by one. The endless could’ve beens, what ifs and supposed to be’s.

So this is for the person who will hold your hands after me. I’m sorry if I made such a scar on him every time I held him - literally and figuratively. You see, my hands aren’t exactly the softest. Everyone tells me to use hand cream but that’s not really the case, I have so many lines that dig into my hands, which is what makes them rough. My family used to joke about the fact that when I do get a boyfriend he’s not gonna want to hold my hands because they feel horrible. I remember how even after I said to him my hands were rough and not exactly ideal to hold, he still took it. My point is, I wasn’t exactly the easiest for/to him. So when you do hold him, hold him tight. Hold him gently. Hold him for the longest time. Hold him as if it’s his own beating heart in your hands.

Because at one point, that was all I wanted to do.

[bdcxxi]

I believe in the multiverse theory because I like to think there are endless alternate universes out there where you and I ended up together. I’m so sorry it wasn’t this one.

[bdcxxi]

Sunsets used to remind me of you, now all I can think of is that endings can be beautiful too.