bdelightedbyeverything-blog

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

Why did I have to desire the most difficult path in life? I have been avoiding it as much as possible for the past 24 years and my regular coping mechanisms based on dissociation no longer work. I cannot hide or avoid the realities of my desires, and the very real possibility of attaining them with today’s technologies and services available to transgendered persons.

Don’t you dare suggest that I am merely following a trend. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Seeing and knowing as many transpeople as I do is what has encouraged me to start actually taking steps to deal with and cure my disphoria.

I struggle with my reasons for taking this step. I always have. I grew up with the idea that we are so much more than our bodies, and we needn’t identify with them. This, I still largely believe. But, when we live in a world of worldly pleasures, I find it hard to consider them “temptations” and I feel they are more of a tittilating experience just waiting to be had. I am here on this earth to gather information and learn through experiences. One of those experiences is sex. Sure, I can have sex in the body I have, but when it comes to my sexual impulses, my body does not match my brain. Why? I haven’t the foggiest, but it’s always been that way. It was years of being told “you are a girl” and knowing I had to accept it even if I didn’t feel that way on the inside.

Over the years I have come to love and respect what it means to be a woman. I value the biological and spiritual power and responsibility I have as a person with female reproductive organs (I assume, since I definitely see Aunt Flow regularly, but I haven’t had a proper exam to tell me if I am intersex or not). Even though I respect the role that society has decided my genitalia is meant to play, I feel a spiritual calling to align my body with my brain.

I live in agony with my naked body. I bind every single day. I have so many sports bras that I used to wear all the time and I can no longer do it without feeling incredibly naked and uncomfortable. These breasts are not a part of me. I haven’t ever really properly enjoyed them, and when I have, it’s short lived and I feel they are not mine. The binding every day is taking it’s toll on my body. I have a bruised chest, and pain while breathing. My back is in near constant pain. I have to take breaks from binding, which I do while I sleep. But every night I take that binder off is a reminder of who I wish I was and how my body simply doesn’t reflect my soul.

So silly, that I should feel my body should reflect such an esoteric part of existence- a part we never really see but only feel. Well, I think our bodies are mirrors of our souls, down to the very strenghts and weaknesses, and illnesses and healings. This is all happening to our souls, reflected in our bodies.

I know the nature of my soul is genderless. I know that I am so much more than my sex. However, our lives are so physical, and our pleasures tend to be physical.

Mentally I feel masculine. I feel like I come off wrong because i am perceived as a woman. it is frustraing because it shouldn’t be this way, but it is

I’ve lost my train of thought.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

For my 24th birthday, my wife threw me a surprise birthday party. I walked into a perfectly clean apartment and like 15 people. All these people showed up to celebrate me!? Maybe they feel that me being in their lives somehow enriches theirs, and honestly, I reciprocate that feeling 100%. That party was beautiful and unreal. My friends brought a Karaoke machine and there was singing and laughing and flirting and talking and it was wonderful to feel true connection with these people. I won't ever forget how that made me feel. For most people 25 is the big one, but for me, it's 24. This number has followed me around my whole life, along with a few others, and it meant a lot to celebrate it in a big way this year.

I looked back at a post about how I was struggling with the idea of non-monogamy. Wow. Things are so different now. I feel like all the work and communication we have learned and executed is finally paying off for both of us in the best way. I am in love with love and this community we are building and the trust that we share with each other and our friends.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

Word Vomits. ..

It's been slowly clicking with me over time that while there are some really really really amazing and good people in the world, there are also some very ambitious and dirty crooks out there who will stop at nothing to satisfy their greed. They even feel justified in doing so because "survival of the fittest".

This is a scary thought as we shift into a global community with government taking a large role in our daily lives. I would like to think we can trust those who run our lives. To some extent, we can and, largely, we do so without another thought because it's easier than seeing a world of problems.

But at what point do we start to see that the way our lives are going are not just a result of our own decisions, but that the choices we make are limited to the options we have within parameters that someone else - who leads a very different life, who may have very different morals, goals, and ideals - has provided for us.

Do you know this person/these people? What is at the heart of the choices they make on our behalf? What is being allowed to continue to happen because someone's pockets are getting bigger and no one is able to help them see a much wider picture? Or what if the wider picture is known, and any negative, detrimental consequences - fully understood to the decision makers - are ignored - because those decision makers simply do not have the moral stance that those negative consequences are of any import, or outweigh the benefit that they personally receive? What if decisions like that are made for hundreds of years, time and time again, by the same type of ambitious folks who believe they can make a the world a better place, and maybe believe they already have, simply because *their* world is better and benefiting?

I start to wonder about the career path of a politician. What is their drive? I don't feel that a career in politics is about service anymore. Maybe at one point it was... certainly it is SUPPOSED to be. Is that even brought up anymore? "I want to be a politician to *serve* the greater good." It seems more that one must be involved in politics to take from the greater good- to see how the greater good can serve the politician.

Owning and using power and influence within a government entity is an incredible opportunity for anyone and everyone with ambition. Intent with roots in a good morals is not a requirement and is easy to disguise.

When an entity such as a corporation or a government becomes so big, and has so much power over so many people, it makes every decision ripple exponentially. It's like using a power tool to get a job done. You can get it done fast, and if you know what you're doing, the results can be fantastic. But, if you make a mistake, that mistake is made far worse by the power of the tool than were you to do the job carefully by hand.

The reality is, none of us know what we are doing, and all of us want something for ourselves. Right. NOW.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

i remember this episode and i related to D.W. so hard

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

you go girl

Watch: Meghan Tonjes just gave body shamers the biggest middle finger.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

same

Easily distracted. #catanacomics

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

it me

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

"Cozy In My Arms". By June.

bundled up in a ball

I had you so cozy small

but your thoughts were wandering

to why my songs kept pondering

about the world and what I have

when all I’ve got and ever had

was lovely lovely love

lovely lovely love

she told me “write about me too,

why can’t you sing it through,

all the thoughts that you have thought,

sing about me too.”

I told her

Baby girl, you’re my whole world

and I don’t have to words to say it.

Baby girl, don’t fret at all

I’m singing the moon

singing the moon until she’s written out

so perfectly

and all the feelings that I see

is everything that I have found in me.

She asked me how I feel.

To sing about it real.

and I told her the whole truth

nothing left unsaid.

Cozy in her arms, looking in her eyes,

glazed over with the depth of the ocean

only the universe could survive.

I fall i love. I fall in deep. Deep above. I’m falling up.

Up to the sky, that starry night

when this dimension

forgot to mention

that she was everything to me.

That week the moon grew strong

waxing it’s way to my new song

beaming and shining,

heaving and sighing,

as if cozy in my arms.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

http://tumblrfollowers.com/index.php?r=joonssound

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

That’s Felicia, and me with the short hair. On May 8th, 2012, I saw her blog for the first time. I sent her a message letting her know I liked her blog and thought she was cute. Soon after, I had a dream about her, without having even met her. She was spooning me as the big spoon, when I’m usually the big spoon. A few days later, after receiving a message from her on Tumblr, I let her know that I had a dream about her and didn’t know why! She told me she had one about me too… Then we started to skype. Later we found out that the dream she had was exactly my dream from her perspective: She was the big spoon, spooning me in my room. She was able to describe my room in her dream exactly the way is it in real life, without ever having seen it before. She lived in Oregon, and I lived in Massachusetts. For the last almost 10 months we have been in a long distance relationship, communicating, joking, loving, learning. And now we will finally get to be together. 10 months, sure that’s not too long for a couple to be moving in together, but in Lesbian Years, that’s what, 4 years??? It’s hard to be without someone you’ve got such a deep connection too, who you work so well with. We have been with each other 3 times before she’s moved. Each for 3 week intervals 2 months apart. We have a good idea of what life will be like together and we are pretty ready. We can’t wait to make the adjustments and such. It won’t be easy for either of us, or for her to be so far from home. But she’s doing something amazing. I’m so proud of her, and  I love her so. Our story is a great example of “nothing that was easy was every worth the wait”. Because, hell, this wasn’t easy to get here. She is on a plane over here as we speak! And I can’t believe this wish has come true.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

It’s a little fire in my hands. I don’t know quite what it is but it burns so good. I can sense this flame will grow to an uncontrollable height if I can never put into words what I have in my heart. This pounding desire to be exactly what I am. Isn’t that funny now? A want implies something out of reach. But I want exactly what I am. This only makes sense because I don’t feel I am always what I truly am. I was certainly myself today, and I know what I must do and that I will do it. I am so impatient with my procrastination, and my naïveté. I am impatient with my young heart and young mind. I am not accepting of my overwhelming desire to always be near her, but fearing that the desire is unacceptable. My life is a tree. I know it will grow, and I nurture it so. But where the branches lean, where the roots take place, well, that is the mystery of nature. It is my nature to love what I do, think and feel what I do… DO what I do. Sometimes, we must write. Have you ever been so truly quiet throughout the day? What I mean by that is, you may have been talking all day, but your thoughts were so loud you did not hear them or voice them. Your thoughts were too honest for you to feel it appropriate to show yourself. Marriage is on my bucket list. I’m waiting for the day when there is no other option because I want thy bond to feel like he absolute right thug to do on all levels of this condition we call life. How come I don’t write like I use to? Not songs I mean, but just… Thoughts. I would often write about some sort of spiritual awakening. Or come up with a problem and write it out until I came to some convincing conclusion. Like… Life is love and love is all. That’s my motto I suppose. I certainly believe that with all my heart. And around certain people I am overwhelmed with that emotion. But there are times I feel out of place. Why do we so often feel we have to be more like our peers? I am different from my peers in exactly the right way. And I should be content with that. And I will.

Time to get back to moving on. Taking a moment for oneself, one’s own thoughts I think is the best exercise of living.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

they say i come off as one with confidence and high self esteem. that i am a good person or lover. maybe i do good things because the reality is that I am not actually confident. I am making up for any hate i feel towards myself, my goals, my life, emotions. what have you. I love my girlfriend to pieces, and I often feel i want to do good things for her to compensate for my lack in other areas, such as my lack of confidence in my intelligence, etc.

I hate how I get like this. a lack of confidence is the most unattractive thing in a person. I hope i don’t go overboard to the point where she can’t handle it. But i know she loves me too. This morning I awoke to her stroking my face, just appreciating and admiring me. I could feel her love while I was half awake and my body was sleepy. It was beautiful, and I felt bad I didn’t return the gesture in a more enthusiastic way. hey,, i was tired. But you know, i’m most self conscious about my job- i am not paid very much, and I don’t have a lot to show for in my life as of yet. That’s the other thing! i’m self conscious about my lack of patience for my career! i’m still only 18 and there is no rush, I need to calm the fuck down.

I need to get back to myself. I’ve got a comfy situation now, I can focus on what is important- not abandoning myself. Because though we may have everything we want, it won’t feel or mean the same if we do not value or recognize or KNOW the one thing we are always guaranteed  One’s own company. And that is why we are all here. I cannot let go of that Love inside of myself because that is what is in us all, what connects us all to the world and our inner Truth. Whatever it may be,.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

Words Streaming From This Ink, by Yours Truly

I’m holding you so close As you slip into repose Eyes searching for your dreams Those beautiful young scenes

I’m thinking of a life If maybe you’re my wife All snuggled up like this In a constant bliss

I’ll write you songs and such I know it won’t be much But with you lying here I’ve never felt so dear

I’ll read to you my words And hope that it does serve How I feel complete With you wrapped around so sweet

You’re humming in your sleep Your feet around my feet Caressing me so warmly This kissing me won’t bore me

You ask if you’re my muse My answer won’t confuse You’re everything I think Words streaming from this ink

I realize so soon I can’t write without my moon So close in me, my love You’re my something from above

Soft kisses need soft kisses They’re all for you, my misses Your breath upon my mouth I think I’ve figured it out That you were every song I’ve been writing all along You were every single word Worth any of my concern.

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

[bdelightedbyeverything-blog]

She is my entire world. I never thought it could be like this. And I suppose anyone reason this is just light “ugh. More word vomit”. But I absolutely adore her. I don’t think I can sleep easy without her. Waking up in the middle of the night to feel her next to me is he most comforting hung I have ever experienced… That we are in this struggle that is life TOGETHER. I am not alone. We are a team of super human professional butt whopping awesomeness thy can overcome any obstacle. I love you Felicia, darling.