beachtoosandytranscripts

[beachtoosandytranscripts]

3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN

“Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.”

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

Yeah, welcome, this is episode three.

Already, wow.

Already, yeah. I came up with the theme for this week, and it was car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and you gave me a very mean challenge.

And I have no idea what I said, because I don't remember.

And that makes it so much worse.

What was it?

You gave me the challenge of finding a review written by a vegan of a barbecue place. That was awful.

That's very, very funny. Good job, me.

Yeah, good job. Well, but first we're going to go into our car wash reviews.

Right. And so exciting.

I'm going to go first.

Okay.

This is a review of Soapy Joe's Car Wash.

Oh, I looked at that place.

It was written by RS.

Okay.

And it was a one-star review, of course.

Sure.

And this is what RS has to say. Minnesota winters destroy the outsides of cars. Four-year-old kids with a $2-a-day Cheez-It habit destroy the insides of cars. Soapy Joe's is not the place though, to help with either. If your business is, you know, washing cars, then for God's sake have the ability to wash a car.

Makes sense.

If I go there, wait in line 15 minutes, only to find out that it will be another hour to have them clean my car, then maybe they shouldn't be in the car wash business. By the time you find out that it'll be forever for a full-service wash, you're at the front of the line and you can't escape.

Oh my God.

There's no turning back. So I get the cheapest wash, the one I don't need, and get the crap-tastic, fuck you, $6.99 version. The one where you drive it through and they pretend to dry your car.

I can do better at my neighborhood BP.

Oh, she's having a bad day. The lady or guy, do we know?

No, just RS. Yeah, this was rough.

Sounds like a bad time.

But like when you pay $6.99, then you're like, I could do better at my BP. Aren't the BP ones more than $6.99 anyway? But that's not all.

Oh, God, of course it's not.

You vacuum yourself. That's like going to a Starbucks and brewing your own coffee.

No, it's not, but OK.

It's disdainful of the customer.

I don't think that's how that word works.

I don't think so either, RS. But yeah, I don't think that's what happens. That's Starbucks.

$6.99. You pay $6.99 and then you have to vacuum your car.

It's pretty disdainful.

I'm no free market expert.

Oh, no way, RS.

But if you want to wash cars, wash cars. I mean...

That's basically what the free market boils down to.

I don't know what they're...

They hit it right on the head.

I say this every time, but I don't know what their logic is. I'm never going to understand.

There's no plot.

I mean, I'm just spitballing here. But here are some options. One, hire more people.

Two, do things better. Three, sell and get out of the business all together.

Why didn't they think of that?

End of review.

Do things better.

Do things better.

That's just rude.

RS needs to write a business management, like, Bible for everyone.

It's like the Michael Scott, like, manager book that he's writing.

Oh my gosh. What was the title? Who's managing who?

Somehow I manage and he's shrugging on the cover.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Of course somebody made an actual, like, replica of it on the Internet. Somehow I manage.

RS needs to get into that game.

And then he says over one billion sold. Okay. Anyway, RS needs to hopefully take a nap.

Or open up their own car wash.

Nobody needs that.

Well, maybe they can do things better and then sell and get out of the business. Before or after they hire more people. Three steps to business.

The free market indeed. All right. So I'm going to give you a review written—I keep doing this and I'm sorry, but it's a five star review.

Is that allowed on these?

They're just so he didn't have. Just let me do it.

And then if it's not, if it doesn't work, we'll let the fans decide.

We got the fans.

We'll let the free market decide.

We'll let the free market dictate what we do next. So Will G had this to say of the downtowner car wash in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

I went here with my mud covered jeep to give the piggy a bath. Inside and out. I have had this jeep five years and decided it was time to clean the inside, especially considering I sprayed mud all over the inside off-roading the other day. Fun, but messy.

Wait, this is the first time in five years they wash the inside of their car. That's disgusting.

Only because they sprayed the inside with mud off-roading. You know how it is, fun but messy. They went through this thing in detail inside and got it clean like the day I bought it clean.

Oh, man.

Five years go by, nothing needs cleaning in there and then all of a sudden just everything happens. Mud, energy drink.

This is actually uh Will's cry for help I think. Never in the five years that I've had this Jeep has that ever happened? Heck, in the 30 some years that I've owned cars, I've never had a can of soda explode in one.

I mean, really?

Wait, this was heat?

Yeah.

Like in Minnesota?

Maybe that's why.

The heat, but shouldn't the cold?

That happened to me one time.

I feel like that happens when it's really cold.

That happened to me with the diet coke that was in the car exploded.

Oh.

Because it was too hot.

It was hot?

Renee was in the car. We almost crashed into a pole.

I think that happens no matter what's going on.

It didn't have anything to do with the can of soda. Okay. I mean, really?

The day after paying $50 to have the inside detailed? Who hates me?

Anyways, the downtown people are awesome. They did a great job. End of review.

Wait, he didn't go back? Okay, but you know what I have to say? Good on him for getting a great clean and then writing that five star review despite the fact that it was ruined the next day.

Yeah, I think he just wanted to talk about that soda. I don't think there was any other reason. It was a good excuse.

Anyway, so that's Will's review.

Oh my gosh, Will.

I'm ready for it.

I wonder who hates him.

I mean, I kind of do. Just kidding.

Oh no. Well, I followed your lead on this one.

Oh, what does that mean?

I also found a five star review for my challenge.

Oh, oh God. So we are really...

Yeah, but that was fine for the challenge ones.

Oh, okay. So I'm just cheating. Got it.

That's what we're used to. It's okay. It's okay.

So this one, and I guess, you know, this balances things out because you'll just listen to the first sentence here. Oh, and I was inspired by last week's Monty review.

What's Monty again?

Oh my gosh.

What did he do?

Monty. He gave us the full Monty.

Wait, what was he? Was he reviewing? Oh, he's reviewing the stadium.

Yeah. What was it? Onion?

I don't even remember.

Uh, hashbr- no. Potatoes?

I don't remember.

Garlic fries. Garlic fries. Garlic fries!

I was close with the potatoes, just saying.

Okay, tell me. Oh, God, you're like really getting set up here.

I'm ready. This is this is Marlowe's review.

Marlowe.

This is not Marlowe's review. No, this is Jason's review of Marlowe's ribs. I can read my own notes.

Wow, you must—this is, I'm so excited to hear what you came up with.

From Memphis, Tennessee, by the way, when I was looking at barbecue places, I went I went to Nashville, Atlanta, and finally found the best one in Memphis.

Okay, I'm ready.

I used to be vegan until I came to Marlowe's.

What?

True story.

Are you serious?

I see that's where I was kind of like this might be cheating because technically now he's not a vegan.

Well, he was.

But he was when he went there.

Time is a construct.

Oh, yeah. In the free market, it doesn't matter what kind of food you eat.

Everyone's learning a lot about business today and philosophy.

Yeah. This is a podcast. That's what it's all about.

All right. True story. I was traveling through to check out Graceland.

I had been vegan for four years.

My God.

We got picked up in the pink Cadillac and taken to the restaurant. I asked the driver how the black bean burger was. He laughed.

When I walked in, something changed.

Oh my God.

I ordered pretty much one of everything. My girlfriend thought I was kidding. After I ordered, she said she couldn't eat all that.

And I quickly informed her that I was eating it.

It's not for you.

As I was eating, the server came over. My girlfriend told the server that I was vegan until just now, after four years. And the server didn't believe her.

No, because why on earth would that make any sense?

Exactly.

That's not a thing.

He was vegan until just now, for four years.

Until he ordered literally one of every item on this menu.

Literally the server was carrying plates and plates and plates over. It's like so annoyed.

And also, wouldn't you get so sick if you haven't eaten meat in four years?

Oh, it seems like a bad idea. But let's have a quick rundown from Jason about what he ate.

Oh, are you kidding?

OK, all caps, all of these food items and all of these reviews of food items are all caps. Brisket to die for, pulled pork to die for, pulled chicken to die for. This isn't all caps.

Well, the last word is cornbread, non-Yankee cornbread and amazing Mac and cheese. The bomb barbecue ribs, the best I've ever had.

Oh, the best he's ever, the most, the one that he's ever had because he's fucking vegan.

Fried pickles, amazing. Marlowe's doesn't play around. Their meat is cooked perfectly.

How would you know?

That's what I was thinking this whole time. I'm like, this guy hasn't eaten meat in four years. And then all of a sudden he's a meat expert.

Well, not because he spelled meat M-E-E-T.

No, are you serious?

I'm not kidding. It's got a fantastic flavor and smoke ring. It doesn't need the crutch of barbecue sauce.

It's not dry. I mean, Marlowe's is what I have compared every barbecue to since. It has turned me from vegan to carnivore and literally ruined barbecue for me because I compare everything I eat to Marlowe's, which is what he had just said.

But okay. Last year, I rode my motorcycle from Los Angeles to Memphis specifically to eat at Marlowe's.

I'm kidding. So wait, this vegan suddenly decided to eat barbecue and buy a motorcycle and...

Christina! He walked in and everything changed.

I— it must have.

Literally everything. I'm not retired by the way. It was just that important to me.

What?

I checked into my hotel, walked over to the store to pick up a beer and some guy tried to mug me at knife point.

Wait, hold on. Where did this come from?

Oh yeah, this is where it gets even juicier. He literally rode his motorcycle to Memphis to get this barbecue.

From Los Angeles.

From Los Angeles. Was there.

I'll just let that one slide, okay.

Went to go get a beer and was mugged at knife point.

Oh, my God.

I decided not to dine in after that. So I just ordered the food delivered to my room and barricaded myself inside. I couldn't make up my mind, so I ordered the above mentioned, brisket, pulled pork, chicken, pickles, mac and cheese and ribs.

Yeah, thanks.

I was in heaven. The mood of this has shifted very suddenly, like very back and forth.

I am having a hard time following this.

I couldn't finish about 85% of it. So I hope the cleaning crew at the hotel ate the rest.

No, they did not. They didn't eat the food you left behind. That's disgusting.

Marlowe's literally changed my life. I now own a smoker and barbecue ribs, pork and chicken a lot.

I'm not, was not even gonna say it, but I just the whole time was like, this is that guy who buys a smoker and then tells everyone he knows about his smoker. And clearly I was right. Okay.

Yeah, no, that's what Jason's become. I will ride back one day to eat it again. Consider opening up a restaurant in LA?

End of review.

I don't want to ever run into this guy, so.

Could you imagine?

No. And I just feel like I'd know instantly when I saw him, who he was. Also definitely the owner of this place wrote that.

Yeah, right? Although I did look at his history and he does review other things, like most of them are vegan restaurants, even still.

Wait, are you being serious?

Yeah, like he's— vegan restaurants in LA.

Wow, this guy is crazy town.

He's changed.

I've changed.

Yeah.

After that.

Yeah, there's just...

That was really-

I'm ready for some barbecue.

That was a lot. I know I am actually a little hungry right now.

I know. Thanks, Jason.

Thanks, Jason or Marty's or whatever.

Marlowe's.

Marlowe's. I guess in LA is the only place you would see a vegan riding a motorcycle. So maybe that makes some sense.

No, I don't know. I still don't think it does.

I'm grasping at straws. Anyway, well, that was a very successful... That was like extremely successful.

What, his trip to Memphis?

Yes. No, the restaurant's attempt at converting vegans. No, you're stepping up to the plate of my challenge.

Yeah. I did find some other ones, but they were like, oh, this place actually has vegan options. I had the black bean burger and it was great.

Did you know fried pickles are vegan?

Oh, I was actually wondering that while you read that.

And that's what people wrote reviews about fried pickles and stuff, but they were very boring and it's kind of like, okay, I know where to go if I want a vegan barbecue place.

That's gold. Okay. So we're going to announce our challenge in next week's theme after this little spiel we do to tell you where to find us on the Internet.

You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach Too Sandy, on Facebook at Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Our website is beachtoosandy.com.

You can find us, I guess, wherever you're listening now or on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play, anywhere you listen to any podcatcher, anywhere you listen to podcasts. And please leave us a review if you can. That would be super great and helpful and would help us kind of kickstart this thing.

All right. So now it's time for you to give us our theme for next week and I'll reveal your challenge.

Oh, God. Okay. So the theme for next week is tech stores in Jacksonville, Florida.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it definitely does. Have you been watching? What have you been watching?

The Good Place?

Like that's exactly what I thought of.

He doesn't need to steal. Doesn't Jason's? And Jason.

Oh, maybe it's all in my head. Yeah. I think Jason robs a radio shack or something.

No, he robs a bar. But Atypical. What's his name?

Sam works at a. Oh, that's probably just mixing shows together and getting something good. That's a good one, though.

I like that one.

So what is my challenge? Because I'm nervous about that.

Well, because of Jason's wonderful food related review, I was very hungry when I thought of this. You are going to find a review of a candy store that mentions broccoli.

Oh, my God. OK, that's fun.

Yeah, I think so.

I like it.

I'm expecting someone who really hates broccoli and just needs to tell the world.

I'm going to eat that broccoli candy. All right. I will work on that.

Sounds good. Until next week.

See you then.

[beachtoosandytranscripts]

2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.

Hello everybody, welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine.

And I'm Alex.

And this week's theme is hotels in Kansas City, Missouri, or Missouri as the locals say.

And us. We're not locals.

And me after a gin and tonic. So we're gonna read our reviews, and then afterward, we're gonna see if I was able to step up to Alexander's Challenge from last week. So stay tuned.

All right. So I'm excited to see what you came up with.

We'll see. We'll see if it's any good. I had a tough time with this one.

But I did find a doozy. This is a review of the Elms Hotel and Spa in Kansas City, Missouri.

Was it like a nice place, or is this like a rundown?

I believe it's quite a nice location. And we do wanna stress again that this is not, we have no feelings for or against any of these locations. This is just some fun stuff we find on the internet and we're just rebroadcasting it.

Let's put it that way. This is a one-star review from Annette.

Went there for our 25th anniversary. As we were heading to the front desk, I noticed a plate of uncovered strawberries sitting on the floor.

By the way, really quick...

Wait, on the floor?

Really quick interjection. Every time I say strawberries, take a drink, because you're going to have a really riot of an evening if you do so. Uh-oh.

Ask about the room. They're at capacity, but gave us a breakfast coupon. He also explained that someone was on their way up to our room with our anniversary package.

OK, head to the room. Strawberries are still on the floor. Pout in my room for about 45 minutes.

Oh, OK, I need to figure this out.

So it took me a while to figure out.

So they walk into the lobby and there are strawberries on the floor. They walk into their room.

So they're walking toward their room and they find strawberries, a plate of strawberries outside of someone else's room.

Oh, and then they go inside their room and find no strawberries in their room. Am I mishearing?

OK, I'm we're heading to the front desk, I assume, from their hotel room. They notice a plate of uncovered strawberries on the floor in the hallway. So then the person and they're there for their anniversary, you know.

So then the person at the front desk says, oh, someone's going to come up with your like anniversary special surprise soon. Right. So she's like, oh, they got strawberries.

So she's like, I better get strawberries. It's the 25th. That's a strawberry anniversary.

Yes. Famously so. Um, so she pouts.

Pout in my room for about 45 minutes and decide to hit the pool. Head down to the pool. Strawberries haven't moved.

My nose starts bleeding and I have my husband grab a pool towel as I didn't want to drip in the pool. So so kind. Go to the front desk, give them my towel, letting them know I'd used it on my bloody nose.

They gave it to the clerk at the front. What are they supposed to do?

That didn't even turn into an issue. I thought that was going to be that. Yeah, that just was part of the routine.

Does it carry through the lobby? Here's my bloody towel. Yep.

My nose was bleeding. While there, I asked if we were supposed to get strawberries with our package, as they hadn't brought any up with them. He said he thought there was a mix up, but he talked to the manager.

On the way back to the room, strawberries were still there. This time, there was a piece of paper with them. So I decided to see what the paper said.

So she reads this note. It was a note thanking them for booking the anniversary package. Sit in the room a while.

Pretty disappointed. Finally, I decided to rinse the chlorine off.

And get dressed up for dinner. As we pass, the strawberries are still sitting there. I stopped by the desk to see what he found out.

He apologized and said he would personally take them to our room. At the time, I let him know about the strawberries. He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us.

Okay, this is going very differently than what I expected. I thought it was going to be some sort of allergy thing, where she's like, oh, no, there's open strawberries. Bloody Nose made me like, oh, maybe she's like realizing she's allergic.

The Bloody Nose has nothing to do with anything. That never comes back.

I'm going to learn. But right now I'm going into these thinking that they're sensical.

And I don't know why. You're going to understand the plot.

Yeah.

No, there's no plot.

Oh, good.

He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us. I said, no, I'm telling you, because that's disgusting.

What?

And if they were mine, I'd be pissed because they were uncovered on the floor. Which, I mean, to be fair, yeah.

I mean, I don't know the timeline, but this seems like a long time that they've been sitting there.

She's pouted for 45 minutes in the room alone.

That's right. She gave us a timeline.

He said, maybe the people didn't want them. I told him about the note I read.

Oh, no.

And he said they were training a new person, and he must have not understood where their strawberries were supposed to go. I told him that we were going out, and to put our strawberries on our desk, we came back later to find them covered on the desk. The strawberries were very good.

That's the end of the review.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that a one-star review? Are you kidding me?

I mean, they dealt with her bloody towel. They put covered strawberries on the desk. I don't know what the complaint is, but apparently Annette did not have a great time.

Like literally everything she wanted happened.

I mean, I think she was jealous of the neighbors.

My goodness. That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, I know. Wow, that was a long one.

Sorry, but that was a good one. You killed so many people saying strawberries so many times.

I did. Alcohol poisoning runs rampant.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, what do you have for me here?

All right. Well, I kind of went similar route, not with the strawberries, but with a place that was kind of nice because I read some reviews of not so nice places that had mostly one star reviews. And I was like, yeah, I would give them one star too.

Yeah, it's not pretty. Hotel reviews on Yelp are not pretty, guys.

Well, that was, that was, I know many, many hotels in Kansas City to avoid. Well, I found a review of the Embassy Suites in Kansas City. From Sammy.

All right, Sammy.

Who was very disappointed.

Oh, no, Sammy.

Was very disappointed in the staff at the J Bar restaurant. We thought we would be going to an upscale restaurant slash bar, especially since the location is in an upscale area. And it is an Embassy Suite.

It is.

However, the staff all have tattoos. All over their arms. And one of the waitresses had nose, eyes and facial piercings.

She has eye piercing? All over her. She had eye piercings.

Those nose, eyes and facial piercings were all over her body. Yeah, she just put them willy nilly.

She was a Van Gogh painting.

Oh, yeah. Was very disappointed. Was hoping for the class of an embassy.

But got the staff of a low class bar.

What is wrong with people?

They just opened and we were so excited to frequent the J-Bar as we live close by. But we'll rethink. I hope they really think hard about who they hire.

Probably won't be back anytime soon.

Sammy.

End of review.

You will be missed.

Yeah, I know, right? Those staff, they're like.

Seems like he was a great customer to have.

That woman was like, he just kept staring at me and wouldn't say anything.

He was on Yelp on his phone, just like writing and counting my piercings.

This is the kind of guy that writes a review as he's sitting there being uncomfortable because somebody happens to have piercings.

And then tip zero dollars.

Well, I actually have a little bonus to that.

Thank God.

It was a response from the general manager.

Yes, what?

So they did a few paragraphs.

It's going to be a response from the woman with eye tattoos, eye piercings all over her body. But this is second best.

Yes, so they respond with a few paragraphs, but I'm just going to read the middle one. We encourage our servers to express themselves in the way they dress and their interactions with our guests.

Hell yeah.

We focus intently on a high level of service and allow our wait staff to impress our guests more with their service level and food quality. While the staff dress and appearance was an adjustment for me, I am old school. I have found that the energy level and enthusiasm that our staff has brought to the concept is exhilarating.

Oh, I know I like that.

I thought he was going to say exemplary and then he said exhilarating.

No, he's exhilarated. He's like, whoa, I've never seen that many piercings. I mean, I've only been to Kansas City once, but you know, hey, maybe he hasn't seen that many piercings in his life.

And we're a little spoiled. We get to see him all the time here in LA.

That's right. Eye piercings all over the place, truly.

Oh, yeah. Every part of the body. And we embrace it.

Eye piercings in the belly button, eye piercings on the arms, all over. Well, that was beautiful. And also, I feel vindicated on behalf of that weight staff, you know?

Yeah, no, I thought that was nice. And then they did give a little bit of an apology that they were uncomfortable. But at the end, I think the general manager said something like, we hope that you change your views.

Yeah, we hope you don't come back, but change your views.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, my God. Should we tell them about the time we went to that steak house in Kansas? Was it in Kansas City or where was it?

It might have been either Kansas City or like Omaha.

Or somewhere in Kansas. I don't think it was in Missouri. I think it was in Kansas.

We went to a steakhouse on a road trip and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change out. We're going to this nice steakhouse that was on TV food maps, which is a cool website if you haven't checked it out.

Yeah, because it was on. What show was it on?

Diner's? No, that's wrong. Guy Fieri.

And Fieri had nothing to do with it.

I love me some good guy.

I'm not doing that. I don't think he does that either, does he?

No, I think that's just become a weird meme, a vocal meme. You know those. So we went to a steakhouse.

I don't remember what show had been on, but we went to the steakhouse and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change. So I put on like some nice clothes and we walk in.

The first thing I see is a family wearing Mickey Mouse pajama bottoms.

No, Minnie Mouse.

Sorry, you're right. Flannel Minnie Mouse pajamas. And then our server, I mean, they were perfectly nice, but the server says, oh, I'll go get your bread basket.

And she sets down a basket full of saltine crackers on the table. And we thought, did we misunderstand? And boy, was that a culture shock.

Yeah, we were from Ohio, and even we were shocked.

Yeah, that's right.

But the food was pretty delicious.

It was good. But the bread bowl is made of crackers. So if you go there, be warned.

Yeah, Sammy, please avoid that place.

You will not feel right at home in his pajama bottoms.

I guess so.

Very wholesome, you know?

Yeah, I got a piercing is too much. But yeah, he's probably a yeah, a Disney fan.

All right, so let's move on to my challenge.

Yes, I gave you a challenge, and that was to find a review of a baseball stadium that mentioned a football team. When I thought when I was thinking about this, I was like, this seems like something that she wouldn't care about at all and wouldn't really know. It felt like a challenge.

I love sports.

I know you know, I know you're we're big Bengals.

It was a challenge. I will tell you that.

I feel like that would be a challenge.

I was kind of actually really pissed at you when I was researching this.

Oh, I figured.

Yeah, it was really fucking hard. And I was on Wikipedia looking up like cities that have MLB and NFL teams. So I could like Google the stadium and then like search the Yelp reviews for the team.

It was very complicated.

I was hoping you wouldn't take the easy way out and find a stadium that where the team is playing both. Because I think that's a thing.

Yeah, it is. And I did stumble upon that. That's not what I did, though.

And also those weren't great anyway.

So you did try to take the easy way out. I see.

Oh, I mean, I don't know why that's a shock to you, to be honest. But yes, I always try to take the easy way out. Unfortunately, I could not.

So this week, I discovered my new friend, Monty. Yeah, Monty.

This guy's something about that name. I like it. But at the same time, it sounds like the kind of guy that you don't want to read his reviews of baseball stadiums.

Oh, boy, do you. This is Monty's review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Now, this is a little twist.

It is a five star review.

Oh, I did not expect which is acceptable. We allow that in the challenges.

I'm really glad we didn't like limit ourselves to only one service because I feel like some of the five stars are even fucking fantastic. Oh, no, I was going to say batshit crazy.

Oh, OK.

I guess we can go. Yeah.

I mean, for what we do, it's fantastic.

Fantastic indeed. So this is a five star review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Disclaimer.

Oh, this is already Monty's.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I was going to say, is he really putting a disclaimer on my disclaimer?

The Giants are my family.

I love them. First of all, duh, garlic fries. Oh, by the way, you should imagine that every other word is all capital letters.

First of all, duh, garlic fries. For the love of God. Secondly, it's not as cold as frickin candlestick.

The location is fantastic. The upper levels have beautiful views of the bay. There's not a bad seat in the house.

Splash hits bury frickin bonds. The freak can hit shaboigans. Oh, did I say garlic fries?

What year was this from?

He needs to see a doctor.

It's like so many like things in there that that just make me think that it's like at least 20 years old as a review.

I have a headache just reading this. Wi-Fi throughout the park. The fans are not Raider loving lookers.

No, no siree.

Ding ding ding Raiders. The Coke bottle slide. It's an SF for Pete's sake.

Garlic fries.

It's a what? An FS?

It's in, it's in SF.

I thought it was FS like freaking slide like.

It's a FS, you know, a freaking slide. It's in SF for Pete's sake. Garlic fries, garlic fries, garlic fries.

Why am I even explaining this to you? Just go! Monty.

How do you, oh my gosh. Did you have any like idea of how old this man is?

Yeah, I clicked on his profile, obviously.

Of course.

He's probably in his 30s. I'm not kidding.

Okay, I expected at least 60.

Guess what? Every single one of his reviews, he reviewed a taco place, some restaurants, a bank. They're all five star reviews with a lot of, like I've never seen someone use so many exclamation points.

And then there was one, one star review.

Oh my gosh. What was it?

Home Depot.

Of all places.

And it said, if you enjoy having to look for something and having no one help you, this is the place for you.

That's it?

There was like one other line.

I mean, that seems so not Monty.

I feel like he might have been having a bad day, but if you know Monty as well as I do, you know that he's a good guy. He's a he has ups and downs, but like mostly he's up, up, up, up, way higher than everyone else.

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's good. It makes up for those lows when he says that the home deep, local Home Depot wasn't great, wasn't up to his par, you know.

I have a feeling you bookmark this like his profile for future episodes because you're ready to use Monty again.

I can tell. 100 percent. He had a lot to say and a lot of it was was fucking fantastic, bad shit, crazy.

And you got to remember the Giants Air's family. So that's obviously part of it, too.

It shouldn't be. I mean, well, OK, it should be.

But it's a disclaimer. Just take it or leave it.

That was such a what I think. I don't understand that. Is that him saying he's biased because he likes the Giants?

So therefore he's automatically giving a five star reviews review like them.

He's related to them.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He loves them.

So he's biased unconditionally. But I feel like the review was about the garlic fries, not about the team at all.

I mean, I think that was his attempt at subliminal messaging. Oh, even though I, you know, it's weird.

He works for like Big Garlic or something.

You know, it's weird. I must have been hungry doing this because I just realized that strawberries and garlic fries were repeated at least 15 times each.

That's a good point.

And none of what we've talked about has had anything to do with food. We picked hotels, not even restaurants. We picked baseball and football.

Yeah, I clearly have. Oh, wait, I just realized what my next challenge is.

Oh, my goodness. You know what? I don't even know if I want to know.

Oh, my God. This is so messed up. I was clearly not in the right headspace or the best headspace.

Who knows? You want to hear your challenge?

I think first we should do a little spiel.

Do the spiel.

You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach Too Sandy, on Facebook at Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Our website is beachtoosandy.com.

You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play, wherever you listen to podcasts. And please rate, review and subscribe if you have not yet. That really helps us.

And we're looking for Monty reviews here, like five star.

Full Monty.

Go full Monty.

If you will.

Oh, man, that was good.

Thank you. I'm really funny. You know, send us your thoughts, your desires.

If you have a request for a certain topic or theme or challenge, let us know.

Yeah, let us know where you live and what kind of businesses are in the area that you have opinions about.

Your social security number, your address, all the good stuff.

Everything, everything that we deserve.

Thank you.

All right. Let's how about we announce what the theme for next week is and the challenge?

Oh, OK, sure. Do you have the OK. So who goes first?

I'll give you the theme.

Sure. What's the theme?

So the theme for next week is car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

All right. I'm pumped for that.

I think that's I don't know car washes.

I feel like that's a good one because I feel like hotels, you get a lot of bedbugs. And so it's hard to sift through that car washes. You can go all sorts of directions.

Oh, yeah.

OK, you ready for your challenge?

I mean, after I gave you that one, probably not. I don't I don't deserve anything fun and good.

Probably good because this is what I have for you. This is your challenge. Please find a review of a barbecue joint written by a vegan.

Oh, my gosh.

Or how about we narrow it to the barbecue and vegans? And then if it's just so much like if you just can't find anything, then you can expand it a little bit if you want.

No.

OK. Oh, you're going to take the full challenge.

Yeah. I'm taking the full Monte.

OK, great.

All right.

All right. Thanks, guys, for listening. Episode three is out, so go check that out.

And then we're going to be releasing weekly.

Yeah, thanks, everyone.

[beachtoosandytranscripts]

1: Grocery Stores in Cincinnati, OH

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am Christine Schiefer.

And I'm Alex Schiefer, and we're siblings, and we're on a mission to address pressing societal issues. Like, why did Kevin in Fort Worth want to give his local taco stand a one-star review? And did they deserve it? Each week, we'll have a theme like taco stands in Fort Worth, and we'll both find our favorite reviews, normally one-star reviews, that fit the theme, and then we'll read them with a dramatization element added. And there'll also be a weekly challenge element. One person will give the other a challenge, like finding a review that mentions six cats, and they'll hopefully step up to the challenge and find a good one to read in the next episode.

Be sure to listen all the way to the end because that's when we'll first tell each other the theme and the challenge for next week's episode. And since this is our first episode, we told each other ahead of time. So I chose a challenge and you chose the theme, which is?

This week's theme is grocery stores in Cincinnati, Ohio. And what was the challenge?

The challenge is an Amazon review that mentions a big toe.

Let’s get started.

I went with the Cincinnati classic. Cincinnati is where we're both from. Where we grew up, we've been to many a Cincinnati grocery store.

So my pick this week is Kroger.

Of course.

And this is specifically the Kroger in Coryville. And Rose had something to say.

Upon purchasing my cream-filled Long John donut for 69..

What type of donut was that? A Long John donut?

Isn't that underwear?

Yeah, or Long John silvers. Well, we'll find out.

That's a good start.

Oh, you know when you want one of those Long John donuts? It only has 1 eighth of cream into it. Into it.

Specifically. Not only that, but for some God-forsaken reason, started that I thought.

I'm sorry.

…Not only that, but for some God-forsaken reason, the cream was inserted through the side of the donut, so every other bite was dry and barren of cream.

But the best part about that is, they spelled barren of cream like B-A-R-O-N, like the royal title. So it's the barren of cream.

We know what's on her mind.

This donut.

…This donut did not meet any of my expectations whatsoever. What so ever. End of review.

Oh my gosh.

One star. And that is a review of Kroger and Coryville.

So she is reviewing the entire Coryville Kroger based on a single Long John donut.

I mean, to be honest, it was really hard to find a review because I was reading it and everybody was complaining about parking or, you know, like racist staff. And I was like, this isn't funny. None of this is funny and probably it's true.

But this just really lightened my day.

Good. No, I'm glad you found that one. That was good.

And I just looked up what a Long John donut is.

Oh, really? Please enlighten me.

It's just a long donut.

Well that's obviously why they insert the cream on the side, right?

I don't know. Look at it. You can put it cream in the...

Oh, that looks disgusting. Looks like someone puked gravy on it.

The Wikipedia images always happen to have the worst one.

Well...

Oh, also known as a maple bar. I've heard of that.

Rose, I'm sorry that you had an incredibly disappointing experience, and I wish you and the Baron of Cream all the best in your future endeavors. Are you up next?

Yes, I am next. I don't have the person's name that wrote this review.

Let's call them the Baron of Cream.

Let's do that. I don't have one for the other one either.

That's all right.

I didn't write all this down. But I did mine. I decided to look at my favorite grocery store in the world, Jungle Gyms International Market.

I mean, if you guys have not been there, where is that again?

Technically not in Cincinnati. I don't know, well, close enough. But Fairfield, Ohio.

Fairfield. I went to the mini golf place near there.

Oh gosh, yeah. Is that the one with the mountain and you can walk inside of it like a Rugrats episode?

Sure.

Yeah.

We should do reviews on that.

Rugrats episodes or mini golf?

No, mini golf.

Okay, I think both would work for us. Can I give a couple of fun facts of Trader Joe's?

Please, for those of you...

Because it is amazing. It is special.

Not Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's is pretty amazing.

I mean, it is, but it's really not that special.

It's not the same. Jungle Gyms.

Right.

So, it has 180,000 items, and 60,000 of those are international items.

Yeah, you guys, it's really cool.

And then it's over six and a half acres of floor space.

What? What? No wonder I get all my steps in.

It's massive.

No, it's crazy. And the largest Walmart in the country, in Albany, New York, is only six acres.

So it's bigger than the largest Walmart.

The largest Walmart Supercenter.

Walmart.

They probably have the biggest Walmart at Jungle Gyms.

Right, in their international section.

Yeah.

I'm really struggling.

Where are Walnuts from?

Brazil. Just kidding. Those are Brazil Nuts.

I'm sorry. It's not funny. Delete that.

Time for a review.

Okay.

The Baron of Cream has this to say about Jungle Gyms, awful management, deceptive price. It's not even. Just started.

I'm sorry. It's not even funny.

Oh, it gets good. It's awful management, deceptive pricing. My wife fell on water, and because of that, I have been barred and threatened if I return to the store.

Liars and thieves, in my opinion.

Oh, no.

Wife cannot walk right ever again.

Oh, no.

And I cannot even buy cat clitter without being threatened. What?

What is cat clitter?

I think he just added a K to litter.

Did he add a K to cat?

No. It's just a regular cat. But then it says clitter and I looked it up.

It's not a thing.

It is on Urban Dictionary. Don't look it up.

Oh, oh my God.

And that's the only reason I read it the way he wrote it because it was, I Googled it so other people have to too.

And when she fell, all they wanted to know is, would this hinder from shopping there? Really? End of review.

So, I chose this review, not because a poor woman fell, like, I don't know what happened there.

They use her name, Baroness of Cream.

Baroness of Cream fell. But it was the way he kind of threw this stuff in there.

Do they? They don't sell cat litter or clitter. That's their...

They might. Jungle Gym sells everything.

Yeah, but they sell, like, those Pocky sticks and like beer.

You don't go there for cat litter. That's a good point. Like German beers and like a thousand different types of soda with gross, like, flavors.

Yeah, they don't. I mean, you don't know. There's Walmart for that.

Or Walnut.

Yeah. And he said he can't buy it without being threatened. As if he's just kind of sneaking around.

He's like, Oh, I hope they don't see me. And he grabs a cat litter and they'll be like, it's you.

There you go.

Baron.

Baron. Hiding behind all that.

Well, here's the thing. I do find something about that place threatening and it is those large animatronics. I remember going right after 9-11. I'm sorry, I knew you were drinking wine and I should have waited a minute, but why would you say that?

Listen, because it was important to the story. I went to jungle gyms right after 9-11 with mom. And I remember that all the animatronic dolls were very quiet and there were all these half mass flags around the stage and then all of a sudden they started moving and singing.

I'm not kidding, you guys they’re like six feet tall, gigantic animatronic creatures, like some stupid tune about-

Like Chicken Fried, Isaac Brown Band, about saluting the ones we love and everything.

Maybe it was something patriotic.

I hope so. Well, I don't know.

I don't think it was. I think it was an automatic timer and it was like really solemn and all the flags were at half mass and then they all kind of like woke up and started jamming out.

Like Andy Doodle, Dandy or something.

Yeah, started jamming and it was extremely disturbing to my 12 year old self's brain. That's my memory of 9-11.

I'm not going to go into mine.

Let's not go into any of that.

Okay, well, a little late now.

This is a comedy podcast.

That's hilarious.

Anyway.

The Baron.

Right.

That happened to him.

So we should never go again is what you're saying.

Jungle gyms. Just don't fall in one because you will be threatened.

I mean, it's hard not to fall in one because they are very large and they're very full of mysterious objects in moving animal robots. But I will say we're reading out one sort of use these places. I do want to add that we have no negative feelings toward anything.

This is mostly us reading reviews to joke about the reviews. This is not about the establishments themselves. In fact, we encourage you to check out these establishments and give them five star reviews to negate the one star reviews.

Especially the ones that are all because of one single long-john donut.

Yeah, right.

That wasn't up to snuff.

I mean, I personally don't mind the Kroger in Quarryville at all.

So yeah, it's a well, they just it's brand new. Did you go there recently? No, they tore the whole thing down and rebuilt it.

Wait, Quarryville.

Yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. So I just came up with a challenge, gave it to Alexander in advance, and then he hopefully—we'll see—lived up to the challenge.

And we're going to hear the challenge this week was an Amazon review that mentions a big toe. And it was very specific. So I'm very curious to see what happens here.

Yeah, it was a journey for me on Amazon. My first thought was stubbed toes. So I went in the furniture section.

Wow, this is quite a roundabout.

Yeah, it was. It didn't work. I went through a lot of reviews of various items of furniture.

And at first I went through pictures and I was like, oh, I'm going to pick the ones that have like are low to the ground, glass tables, really good for stubbing. Yeah, stuff like that. And then I realized I should just go by the ones that have thousands of reviews.

Oh, I just hope someone mentioned search for it. Yeah, no, it didn't work.

Oh, no.

No furniture mentioned big toe. So what else do you think of when you think of big toes?

Those shoes with the feet, the toe.

Oh, that's a good one, actually. Toe socks. Shoes was what I'm going for.

And I went to the shoe department. And of course, one of the best sellers popped right up. And I said, I knew this was going to be it.

Skechers.

Crocs Unisex Classic Clog.

It's better than what I thought.

Yes. And we.

Oh, oh, my God.

We have a review from another man who I forgot his name.

Carl.

Carl. This is what Carl has to say about his Crocs Unisex Classic Clog.

Does it say what color he got him?

It didn't say. There are so many, though. So what he said, great shoes, but man, they are really ugly.

Carl.

Yeah.

And how dare you?

Here we go. I have never liked the looks of these butt ugly things. But my podiatrist told me to get a pair because of a foot problem.

That podiatrist has a stake in Crocs. There is no way a podiatrist tells you to buy Crocs.

I hear they're comfy. I don't know. They had a lot of good.

So are sweatpants, but my doctor's not going to. OK.

They do offer great support and curiousness for my poor broken foot.

Curiousness?

I know. I didn't know what that meant.

It's not even a word.

I don't. Exactly. I don't know what he's going with that.

I find that when I walk, my heel tends to extend over the inner sides and wants to roll in. This is because I have such a high instep that my foot does not go all the way in. I have about an inch of room in front of my big toe.

There it is.

And my heel actually sticks out the back a little. Perhaps I should have gone with the larger size. The construction of these shoes is great and they are comfortable.

I expect that I will continue to wear these around the house once my foot has healed because of the support they offer.

Can you imagine this is someone's stepfather and they're just sitting in the den, like typing and typing and typing and the teenager just wants to use a computer. But Carl really has to write out this review.

Poor Carl. I like them as slippers, but not for walking any distance. End of review.

It wasn't that thrilling, but I just love how he opened it up.

I give you a challenge and you bring me Crocs. It is the best possible way that you could have gone with it.

Most of what excited me was just picturing Carl and his Crocs. And I thought that would be great for the listeners to be able to imagine.

Are you guys imagining? We're pausing for that moment of silence.

He's OK. He's OK. No.

OK, so we're going to tell you where to find us. But after stay tuned, because afterwards we're going to reveal our next week's challenge and next week's theme, which we have not told each other yet. So very excited and scared.

Tell the people what's going on.

You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach Too Sandy, on Facebook at Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Our website is beachtoosandy.com.

And for now, you can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, anywhere you listen to podcasts. And if you like what you hear, you can do your part. And much like the Baron of Cream, you can leave a survey.

But unlike the Baron of Cream, you can hopefully give us five stars, not one. The best way to do that is to leave a survey on Apple Podcasts on iTunes. That really, really helps us.

And if you have negative things to say, just send it to our email.

No, just be quiet.

Hey, no, no, no.

Yes.

Send them to our email, BeachTooSandy at gmail.com, and I will read them.

Okay, but also if you have nice things to say, you can send them there too.

Yeah, I will need those. I really can't handle just the negativity.

So feel free to email us, tweet at us, Instagram, find us on the gram.

Oh yeah, send a slide into our DMs.

Do it, do it. And thank you so much for listening.

And this is just episode one and special surprise episodes two and three are out now.

It's magic.

Oh my god, how did we do three at once? I don't think that's normally possible in the podcasting world.

But that's what we deliver on this show.

Yeah, we do. Except this is the only time we'll have three in one week.

Well, shh.

So don't.

Don't get used to it. And as always, as we say on this show, be a star. Or, we're trying to play these out, be a star.

Five star or bust? That's what I always say.

We need an outro. This isn't working.

I think we'll find one naturally.

Let's hope.

Alright, bye guys.