beardynoise

[beardynoise]

Poldark Wishes you a Happy Birthday - Dedicated to Lily, my Muse.

The air in the room is tense. You’ve opened all your gifts. Poldark is nowhere to be seen, amidst the streamers of party poppers and gaudy wrapping paper. Your cake sits on the table, untouched. One gift remains unopened, huge and inviting. It arrived that morning, shortly before Poldark had huffed shirtlessly off to the fields. He’d said there had been important scything to do. You doubted it. The time has come for your final gift. It sits there, almost seeming to tremble with needy anticipation. You fall upon it as though possessed, tearing at its bright skin with a hunger unbeknownst to man or beast. Naked and exposed, is a large box. As your grabbing hands go to open it, it bursts open. Sweating with the exertion of keeping himself quiet all day, Poldark bursts from the box, his glorious musculature unhindered by such weak concepts as “cramps”, clothed in only by a speedo so tight you know he was raised Protestant. Aunt Linda takes ones look at his galloping abs and faints dead away, hitting the floor with a thud that goes unheard. All eyes are on Poldark, and his eyes are on yours.He bites his lip and you feel yourself melt like a polar icecap. In a hoarse, husky voice he gestures at the gathered family and friends. “Get out!” he cries, but they remain there, tranfixed. He flexes a bicep muscle at them screaming this time. They get out, dragging the thirst-stricken form of the fainted Aunt Linda with them. From his tiny pants that leave nothing to the imagination, Poldark produces a wispa gold bar and his eyes meet yours. A needy cry escapes his lips as he offers you a bite, which you take, your eyes never leaving his. He takes the second bite, and then takes you up in his powerful arms. You do not leave the tousled pile of wrapping paper that day. Or that week. When Poldark wishes you a happy birthday, you get one.

[beardynoise]

The Best of Philomena Cunk

[beardynoise]

how do i politely ask him to slam me against a wall and make out with me

[beardynoise]

i just found this website that can randomly generate a continent for you!! this is great for fantasy writers

plus, you can look at it in 3d!

theres a lot of viewing options and other things! theres an option on-site to take a screenshot, so you don’t have to have a program for that!

you can view it here!

[beardynoise]

More phenomenal artwork from sceithailm (DeviantArt) English translations of Old Norse (from top to bottom): 

Witchcraft Loki spake: “They say that with spells in Samsey once, Like witches with charms didst thou work; And in witch’s guise among men didst thou go; Unmanly thy soul must seem.“ 

Heimdall Loki spake: “Be silent, Heimdall! in days long since, Was an evil fate for thee fixed; With back held stiff must thou ever stand, As warder of heaven to watch.”

Baldr’s Death

Loki spake: “Thou wilt then, Frigg, that further I tell, Of the ill that now I know; Mine is the blame that Baldr no more, Thou seest ride home to the hall.“ 

Fenriswolf “The wolf shall fell the father of men, And this shall Vithar avenge; The terrible jaws shall he tear apart, And so the wolf shall he slay.”

[beardynoise]

Why aren’t you watching DANGER 5?

[beardynoise]

It appears Poldark likes Lady Grey. He’s a ladies man, after all.

Poldark stood on the clifftop, the salty sea air whipping his raven-dark locks about. His cameraman waved his hand - a little to the left. Poldark obliged. In ten minutes, they’d be live on air.The producers had been lairy about letting Poldark do a live report from the scene, but eventually he’d…

[beardynoise]

Because what the world needs now is the mental image of Poldark boning his tax return. 

Poldark does his Tax return

Poldark sits in the dark, cursing the king, tax collectors, and this infernal personal calculator. He re-reads a paragraph on deductibles and personal expenses for the fifth time, the words quickly lost in a fog of incomprehension and frustration. He slams a manly fist into the wall, not even wincing. The sweat of fury coats his handsome brow, and he turns on his heel.

Spread out on the table, wide open, are his tax returns. His pure frustration boils over, and man’s baser nature takes him over. He gives the tax return a look so smouldering it leaves a scorch mark on the corner, the rapid rustle of air sounding like an excited grasp. He tears off his shirt, preparing to do his taxes like they’ve never been done before.

[beardynoise]

REQUESTS ARE OPEN PEOPLE

Prepare to have your weirdest and most mundane fantasies fulfilled. 

Requests are open!

Got something mundane you want eroticised, featuring Poldark or otherwise?

Just let me know, and I’ll whip it up. No matter how silly, or how mundane. 

[beardynoise]

I’ve started a sideblog, chronicling the mundane and erotic adventures of Poldark, as requested by my dear freind Lily. If you want Poldark to do something mundane, erotic, or mundane AND erotic, feel free to make a request.

Poldark grates some Cheese

Poldark examines his sandwich. Insufficient cheese. He fights down to urge to punch someone, instead heading to the fridge. The cool neon light bathes his bare torso in the pale glow of hunger, about to be sated. He reaches for the mature cheddar, prising open the seal with tough, calloused fingers. He grabs a plate, holding it above his crotch. He slowly drags the soft dairy over his rock-hard abs, shaving off thin strips with the perfection that is his body. Eventually, he has enough. He dusts it over his sandwich and returns to the bedroom.

[beardynoise]

Imagine My Immortal but written in the style of Shakespeare.

[beardynoise]

1. Keep a sketchbook. Buy the most expensive one you can, but don’t draw in it. Ideally it should mock you from the shelf for a decade or more. Moleskine make the best sketchbooks for never drawing in. They’re almost comically overpriced.

2. Everything you draw must be perfect. If it’s not...

[beardynoise]

11. Luke, Marlow, Buckinghamshire 

@Beardynoise

Photographed as part of the ongoing series, we met as strangers by photographer Michael Chapman

[beardynoise]

you can’t destroy animatronic sin

[beardynoise]

god-tier

[beardynoise]

[beardynoise]